New Blog

I've started a new blog. Yes, I am crazy. Did you not know this? Even though I don't really have the time, I have started a new one. This is going to be a bit different and a lot more personal. It'll kind of be like my sex blog, but my version of a sex blog because I always have to be complicated like that. The new blog is over at XCritic and I've written my first post in which I describe exactly what the purpose of the blog will be. Check it out. I hope you enjoy the new read! There is a link at the bottom of the page that lets you subscribe to the feed.

Swinging

There are lots of different kinds of romantic and sexual relationships to be had. Unfortunately, the only one that our society seems to condone is heterosexual monogamy. And because our society pressures people into these types of relationships, the majority of Americans try to live by these standards even if its not what fits them. *cough* Tiger Woods *cough*

The next type of relationship that is slowly gaining ground is homosexual monogamy. Its not quite there yet, but it mimics the one type of relationship that the majority of society approves of, even if the majority of society doesn't actually participate in it. It is more comforting to the majority of Americans because it is similar to their own ideals … especially as they pin conforming gender characteristics on each of the partners. Because as we all know, someone has to be the girl and someone has to be the boy in the relationship. You can't see me, but I'm rolling my eyes here.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking either of these types of relationship. Heck, I'm in a monogamous relationship. I'm just saying that they're not for everyone. My wife and I are monogamous because we chose to be. We've also talked about the possibility that it might not be what we always want. We try to be honest about those possibilities and it would be nice if more people were honest about them as well. Because it does seem a little unlikely that everyone will be able to remain completely faithful for 50+ years of marriage.

What I always stress for everyone in any type of relationship is communication and honesty. And guess what, if you're trying to live up to an ideal of monogamy, but you don't have the ability to be monogamous, you're lying to your partner. You're putting them at risk for heartbreak and sexually transmitted infections and you're putting your relationship in jeopardy.

So what are your other options? There are a multitude of different types of open relationships. I've discussed some parts of them before. But my problem is that I almost always default to talking about or thinking about polyamorous relationships. The reason for this is because I have my own personal ideas about what makes a relationship a good one. No one is without faults here. I definitely place judgment in this area, which is no good because I try to be judgment free. But the reason I tend to prefer poly relationships is because there is often a strong emphasis on communication, honesty, and safer sex. And because its also just more queer friendly than some of the other options. Plus, while sex is awesome, I tend to prefer my sexual relationships to be with people I have genuine feelings for (whether romantic or not, I like to have a friendship) and poly folks often talk about how they just have a lot of love to share. So today I'm going to spend some time talking about a different option: swinging

I've made myself research the topic instead of just telling you what my preconceived notions of swinging are. Because, as I found while I was researching, my preconceived notions were often at least slightly false.

Okay, so what is swinging? Normally, swinging is done by white, middle or upper-middle class, middle aged professional heterosexual couples and single women, with the occasional single man sprinkled in for some variety. -I feel like I'm giving you a recipe.- The belief amongst a lot of these straight couples is that by playing together within their marriage, they are saving their marriage. This is exactly what I was talking about before about being open with each other about not wanting monogamy. These couples will often go to special swinger parties, bars, vacations, etc. in order to pick up other couples or single women. The internet is also used a lot to find others into the swinging lifestyle (more on this later). Then once the couple finds another couple or single that they both find attractive, they engage in different types of sexual play based off of what they have agreed on as a couple previously. There's that fantastic communication again! They may decide to engage in penis-in-vagina intercourse, anal sex, oral sex, handjobs, or just massages.

So far swinging sounds pretty fantastic, right? So what's my beef with it?

Well, one of the biggest reasons I didn't like swinging was because I had the preconceived notion that they weren't big on having safer sex. Well, I did a little research and actually found that most swingers clubs that allow sexual activity on the premises actually require condom use. Well that's awesome! However, I still don't think that they use as much protection as necessary if they are going to be playing around with several different partners. They should also be using gloves and dental dams as well as condoms for oral sex, not just intercourse.

Promiscuity ups your chances of contracting an STI and while condoms can protect against some stuff, they don't protect against everything. A lot of people don't seem to know this, but HPV can be spread through hands. Person A gives Person B a handjob. Person B has genital warts. Person A gets a wart on their hand. Person A gives Person C a handjob and now Person C has genital warts. Not to mention Person B spreading the warts down to their genitals from masturbation and then to their own partner. Yay we have an epidemic! So, I'd really like to see swingers, and everyone else, use more safer sex practices more often. Its just smart.

The next reason I'm not too big on the lifestyle is totally my own personal issue. As I mentioned before, I prefer to have sex with someone that I can have some sort of relationship with. Whether this is love or just a good friendship depends on the person, but in general, it feels more rewarding and safer (knowing their health status and their protection rates) than having one night stands or shallow relationships. Keeping in mind that I've had A LOT of one night stands so I'm really not one to speak on the topic. But swingers, in general, tend to keep their relationships pretty shallow in order to keep the jealousy angle out of their marriage. That way they don't have to worry about their partner leaving them for someone else they met at a swingers club. Now I want to make this very clear that there really isn't anything wrong with this. This is just my own personal belief system and you should not make any decisions based on my own hangups.

Finally, I am a bit against swinging because the lifestyle can be a tad homophobic. The swinging lifestyle mostly caters to heterosexual couples and bisexual or bi-curious women. The women are allowed , and sometimes even assumed, to have an attraction to other women while the men are supposed to be completely heterosexual. Now, this isn't always the case, but amongst most swinging circles, it is very taboo for a man to desire or touch another man. And you know, that's cool if that's not what you're interested in. But its very limiting to men who may be bisexual themselves. So what if another dude hits on you and you're not into it? You say no and he respects your answer. This is exactly what is supposed to happen in the swinging lifestyle when a man hits on a woman and she's not interested. She says no and he respects her rejection.

Along those same lines though is why I actually have to give some props to the swinging lifestyle. The women, in general, are in control. There tends to be a lot less coercion going on within the lifestyle because without the women's consent, there will be no play. This is at least what I've read over and over from people who are in the lifestyle. There are a lot of rules based around making sure the women are fully consenting and enjoying themselves.

So why am I telling you all this? Mostly in hopes that anyone who is participating in, or is interested in getting involved in the swinger lifestyle can maybe learn some things from me and take them into their meetings and clubs. Change is always possible. One can dream, right?

For those of you who are considering swinging or any type of open relationship, or for those who are more seasoned, but are interested in learning more, as always, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's book Opening Up. She goes over the ins and outs of all types of open relationships.

But once you've read up on swinging and you decide you want to participate in it, how do you go about doing that? Swingers clubs don't exactly advertise on TV or billboards along the highway. The internet is always a great resource for these kinds of things, but with anything sexual there are always risks. So many websites where people can find sex are just filled with scammers and prostitutes. And if you don't want a prostitute, that can get pretty damn frustrating.

So where does one turn? Not to Craigslist. Good luck finding anyone legit there. I was recently pointed to LifestyleLounge and I gotta say that if you're a heterosexual swinger, this site could definitely be for you. One of the key things that makes this site better than a lot of others is the “real seal”, which lets you know that these people are real, not scammers. One gets the seal by first meeting with someone else from the website. The downside to this of course is that you will have to convince someone you're real so they'll meet you and be willing to stamp you in. But once that happens, you're golden. One thing to keep in mind though is that even if someone has the real seal, it doesn't mean they are safe. Always meet in public first. This is a good tactic anyways since you don't know if you'll have chemistry in real life. Its better to meet and talk a bit in a safer space before say, going back to someone's hotel room.

Lifestyle Lounge also has news on local swingers events going on in your neighborhood, messageboards so you can learn more about the lifestyle from your fellow swingers, chatrooms, and even a travel planner so you can meet up with others while you visit other cities or while they visit your city. Its pretty in depth which is important because it is a pay-site, but there is a free 7 day trial.

There are even direct links for local sites which makes it easier to find couples in your neighborhood. So say I want to check out swingers events in my neighborhood, I would go to Chicago Swingers because I live in Chicago. If you lived in Milwaukee you'd go here to search for Milwaukee swingers. You get the idea.

In searching around the website, I did find the same kinds of issues I talked about above. For example, if you try to sign up as a queer couple you'll find you can't. Signing up as a couple automatically assumes you're in a heterosexual relationship even though the site does give you the opportunity to state being interested in gay men and women. Maybe they'll fix that? I won't hold my breath, but as I said before, if you're a hetero couple this may be the site for you.


Some things to keep in mind before getting involved in the lifestyle:

• Swingers tend to be pretty vanilla. Not much kink going on. Other scenes are better if you're kinky. BDSM sex clubs anyone? I know I'll be checking one out soon … details later … maybe ...

• Orgies tend to be pretty darn rare. In general it seems to be more “wife swapping” but often in the same room

• There are VERY few gay, lesbian, or trans folks that identify as swingers

• Swingers tend to be a pretty close knit group, which means that if you don't respect people's boundaries and follow rules you will get weeded out quickly.

• Even though most conservative groups would consider swinging to be adultery, it is rarely brought up in politics the way that other relationships are (ex: gay marriage and BDSM). And I could probably write another whole blog just on this topic.

• Swingers go on vacations together and often take over whole hotels. Which, admittedly, sounds kind of fun.

• There are a few swinger communities that support male/male attraction and host events that cater towards bisexual men and women, but they are few and far between. If you're interested in this, you'll really need to do your research.

Related Reading:
1. Wife Unsure About Sex With Others
2. STIs and Sexual Responsibility
3. The 3 C's of Sex

Disclaimer: This post has been paid for by Loud Launch which helps bloggers and advertisers connect. Loud Launch is working as an agent for Lifestyle Lounge. All opinions are my own and I never let anyone tell me what to write or how to write it.

Wife Unsure About Sex With Others

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years. We have a secure and trusting relationship. We've talked about her sleeping with another person (man or woman) off and on for a couple of years. I'm absolutely fine with it. In fact it turns me on a bit. But she is still reluctant. She wants to but she still thinks I might not be okay with it afterwords. What steps can I take to reassure her that it's fine with me? I don't see sex as cheating. Or is it me that's wrong? What are the steps we can take to go down this path?

We don't have kids – if that makes a difference.

Let me start off by saying that kids don't make a lick of difference here.

Okay now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd say that in general you guys are taking the right steps. There's obviously been a lot of communication, which is supremely important if you're thinking about opening up your relationship. And what there needs to be more of also is communication. Its not surprising that she is worried about how you will react afterwords. She obviously values your relationship a great deal and doesn't want to screw it up. Traditionally, sex outside of relationships has been known to screw things up. But it doesn't have to be that way.

So how much more communication can there be? How about instead of trying to convince her that you'll be okay after she sleeps with someone else, you move the topic to how you both plan on checking in with each other after she does. There is the possibility that you may feel ways that you don't expect to feel and if you're both prepared with how to deal with those feelings then the more likely this will all go smoothly. Talk about jealousy. Talk about what things you only want her to do with you. But make sure that before she has sex with someone else that you set up an appointment with each other for afterwords to check in on how you're both feeling.

Before you both dive into the deep end I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up, which is about all kinds of open relationships. It will help you to set ground rules between the both of you (including having her always use protection!!) and help guide you through the process. She also has a website where you can talk to other people going through the same issues you are and even find local support communities.

Whether or not sex is cheating really depends on the people in the relationship. There are a lot of people in open relationships who definitely wouldn't consider sex with others to be cheating as long as their partner was being honest about it. Some couples may be okay with vaginal sex outside of the relationship but reserve anal for each other. And then there are other couples who consider viewing pornography as cheating. So its all really up to the couple to decide and discuss. Just remember to communicate and be safe.

Web Cam Sex

I'm looking for advice on posing on a web cam for a significant other.

Just like any sexual activity that involves one or more people, communication is going to be your best bet. Ask what your significant other wants to see. You may be surprised by the answers! That gut you've always despised may be one of your sexiest features according to your partner. And while you may think they want a closeup of your genitals, it may turn out that they rather watch your face while you orgasm.

I actually used to do some work as a cam girl so I have a little bit of experience in this field. A lot is going to really depend on how fast both you and your S.O.'s internet connections are. Obviously, the faster your internet the smoother the show will go.

If your connections are slow then it is going to be more like posing for a camera rather than acting in a film. If you have a slow connection you will have more time to set up for shots and that can be a lot of fun. However, in the end it may just end up being frustrating as you'd like to get on with the action instead of just posing. In that case you may want to take turns where one poses while the other masturbates. If your connections are faster and you can see most movements without any real blur then you can have all kinds of fun.

Probably the most important guideline is to make sure you have a window up that allows you to see yourself on cam. Try to have it mirrored as well, so that you can more easily move while looking at yourself on cam. This will allow you to see what your partner sees instead of just hoping that you're showing them what you think you're showing them.

Think of it like you're going on a date, but also like you're putting on a show. Make sure you're clean and dressed nicely (or kinkily depending on what you're going for). Presentation is important. You might even want to dress up for the occasion. You can do a lot more with a dress shirt and tie than you can with just a t-shirt. Wear nice underwear. No one likes to see a strip tease that results in stained or holey underpants.

Put on some music. It will help set the mood for you and help you to move in a more relaxed manner. But make sure you put on a sexy playlist instead of having your mp3s on shuffle. Nothing can ruin a sexy moment more than a Sesame Street song playing in the middle of a masturbation session (C is for Cookie has a whole new meaning for me).

Try to romance the webcam. Don't just rip your clothes off and rub one out. Take your time. Do a striptease first. Use props. Select what your partner sees and doesn't see. Caress yourself. Make them want more. Especially if this is a long distance relationship this can be important. You don't want your sex life to be 'wam bam thank you ma'am' whether you're in person or on cam.

Remember to tell your partner when you think something they do is hot. Encouragement can make the whole thing a lot hotter. Tell them how much watching them gets you hot. Ask for the same kind of encouragement if you want more than they are giving.

But mostly, have fun with it. Don't take yourself or the show too seriously. Silly things are going to happen that you wouldn't expect and that's OK. Just laugh it off.

AWOL

I'm sorry I've been AWOL lately. I love writing this blog, but I've just been too busy. What with working 6 days a week AND planning a wedding its just been too hard. And this isn't going to change until after the wedding most likely. So don't expect to hear too much from me until after the big day (March 21st!). But if you're hard up to read up on sex let me give you some great book recommendations to keep you busy until I have a little more time.

- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.

- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn't? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms

- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don't be a cheater! If you don't dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.

- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.

- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.

- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.

- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.

- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I've ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a 'no.' And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.

Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?

Giving Thanks to the Voices

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful for sex toys, obviously. Love 'em!

I'm also always thankful for those who speak out; those who give voice to their pain and oppression. It helps others in those same positions to know that they are not alone and that they too can fight. It is never easy, but it is always important. An old friend of mine sent me a link to her blog, Never Another Woman and I found it to be very powerful. She talks about how she was abused by her husband, but not in the ways that we usually think of. When most people think of domestic violence they think of Lifetime movies where the women are physically knocked around and possibly sexually abused as well. This woman was, and many men and women are and were, in a controlling, verbally abusive relationship. She speaks out about how he made her feel worthless and crazy. He made her feel like she was a bad mother and an awful wife. He separated her from all of her support networks so that she had no one to turn to. And because this kind of abuse was psychological in nature, she felt it was all her fault; she felt she deserved it.

But now she is speaking out. She is one small voice on the internet, but she is a powerful one. In telling her story she is able to reach out to many more people who are in the same position and to others who may not know about these kinds of abuse. What she is doing is important and risky.

So pass the link on. Pass on her story. You never know who it might help. She also has links to resources for domestic abuse and even has some forums set up for people to talk about the issues she addresses.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

Polyamory

I would like to hear your point of view on 3somes ... polyamorous relationships. Having sex with a third party. Any advice on positions, how to deal with emotions and how to keep it equal?

Relationships are a lot of work, a lot of really hard work. They require constant open communication, compromise, and vulnerability. Polyamorous relationships are even more work than regular old monogamy. All parties involved need to sit down and make ground rules and figure out what to do about jealousy if it arises, and it usually does. There needs to be a lot of open, honest communication and compromise or these types of relationships will absolutely not work. Some people really like the idea of polyamory, but just can't talk openly about these things and there ends up being a big mess. It can be difficult for many since in our society we are taught to not talk about these things. Many people just expect others to read their minds and this can be frustrating enough in monogamy and really end up ruining the relationship, but forget about it when it comes to polyamory.

As far as positions go, well that's where you can be creative. There are all kinds of things to try from each giving the other one oral sex to double penetration to having one person worshiped by the other two. There are all kinds of possibilities depending on what everyone likes and is in the mood for. Just talking about it and coming up with new ideas could be a hot venture in itself.

So really everything I'm saying here is that communication is the key to great sex and relationships no matter what type you are involved in. Also, you should always practice safer sex especially with the more people you bring into your relationships.

For more information on polyamory/open relationships check out The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are really great books by women who are in open or poly relationships themselves.

The 3 C's of Sex

Curvaceous Dee wrote a great blog this week about the 3 C's of sex, "Conversation, communication, and consent." She is specifically referring to her poly relationships, but I think that everyone can really learn a lot from what she says whether you're in a monogamous long term relationship, poly, or single.

Check it out here: Co-operation makes it happen by Curvaceous Dee

Love and Friendship

A relationships question for you. One of my classmates in organic chem and I hang out quite a bit, and of course I've got a bit of an attachment for her. It came up today about dating friends and she said she didn't date friends, and I got the impression I fall into that category. Plus in a roundabout way she said she knew I felt that way. I know it's a long shot but is there anything you can suggest I do to possibly change her mind? What really sucks for me is it has been a while since I met a girl I liked for reasons other than sex, so maybe I just have bad karma.

It sounds like she was trying to hint at it nicely that she is not interested. A lot of women do that in hopes that their male friends will get the hint and lay off. Straight men will often complain that women always just want to be friends with them, but put yourself in a woman's shoes. It can be very difficult to find male friends that aren't always trying to get in your pants. It is difficult to find straight men who just want to be friends.

Can you convince her? I'm not going to say that it's impossible. I mean hell I didn't think that I wanted to date the woman who I'm now engaged to, but she worked her way into my heart and I am thankful. But really if you're going to change her mind its just going to be by acting how you always act with her. If she comes around she'll come around. There's not going to be much you can do to convince her.

In the meantime put your focus on other romantic conquests. There are lots of ways to meet people. There is internet dating, blogs, meetup.com is a great resource for meeting people with similar interests, you could join a local club, go speed dating, if you have a dog you can take it for walks in the park (I hear that is a great way to meet women), or even have a party where you ask people to invite people that you don't know. The point is that you'll be looking for love elsewhere and if this other woman grows an interest during this time then great, but if she doesn't then you haven't been wasting your time and energy to try to convince her to take an interest.


Hey everybody don't forget to vote for your favorite story for the lube contest! Go here to vote now!

The Difference Between Men and Women

Ok Garnet, so let's talk frankly about bisexuality. I want to know what the differences are between dating men and dating women. Would YOU happen to know anything about this? Are men really the pigs that everyone says they are? Tell me the advantages and disadvantages of each.

You start your inquiry about bisexuality, but you're not really asking about bisexuality. You're asking about the differences between dating men and women. While bisexuals may have first hand experience with this, the question itself is not about bisexuality.

It is difficult to talk about the differences between dating men and dating women without making broad sweeping generalizations. I don't like making generalizations about people and I really don't like implying that anyone is inherently one way or another because of some physical trait that they were born with. More often than not, if there are broad generalizations to be made they are socially constructed traits. What I mean by this is that the reason males may be more aggressive than females is because they are taught to be aggressive and females are taught to be passive. But then here I have to make all kinds of qualifying comments like how it depends on the male/female, it depends on how they were raised, it depends on their ethnicity, it depends it depends it depends ...

So there may be a lot of male pigs out there, but there are also plenty of men who are not pigs, who are in fact progressive feminist activists. And there are women out there who are pigs.

But this is not what you want to hear from me. You want me to dish out the dirt about the differences between men and women, but all I can really do is give you insight into my own dating experiences. I cannot speak for anyone else, nor would I want to. So with that said, I'm going to be really lame and not give you a real answer. You could probably get an answer from a more mainstream heterosexual sex adviser, but I try to stay away from putting people in boxes that they may or may not fit into.

However, I suggest openly talking to people and asking about their dating experiences whether they be gay, lesbian, bi, straight, or any other color in the sexual rainbow. You may or may not come to your own conclusions from these discussions about the differences between dating men and women. Just remember to not assume anything about someone just because of the gender they are presenting.

We Waited Until Marriage

My husband and I waited until we were married (this past June) to have sex (we didn't do anything more than kiss). We've had a really difficult time figuring out how to make things work, partly because we're both new to this, and partly because it still really hurts at the beginning for me. Also, we can only figure out where to put his penis to get it inside me about half the time, which can be frustrating. I've been to my doctor and she said that there weren't any physical problems, but because of the pain, I find it really hard to be interested, which my husband understands but also finds frustrating. Any suggestions?

My biggest suggestion is to stop having intercourse for awhile. I'm thinking you should completely take it off the table for a month or two. You two need to learn what feels good without the pressure of intercourse. This will take a lot of trust and communication between the two of you and can help with not only building a happy healthy sex life, but also a happy healthy marriage. I want you to strictly stick to kissing, petting, and oral sex. Since all you did before marriage was kiss I'm going to assume that neither of you has any real experience with playing either. Try touching, caressing, kissing, licking, and nibbling all over each other's bodies and give each other feedback on what feels great, just ok, or bad. Experiment with each other and have fun. Don't make it a serious event. Make sure that you can both laugh and enjoy each other. Remember that the goal of this is not orgasm, but to learn how to touch each other and learn what feels good.

Once you feel ready, I suggest having your husband penetrate your vagina with one or two fingers so that you can both learn what feels good for you. What type of pressure you like, what type of speed, what type of angle works for you. Fingers have more dexterity, which will make it a lot easier to experiment than penetration with his penis. Before starting this process though you should both be as relaxed and turned on as possible.

I have a feeling that one of the reasons you may be experiencing pain during intercourse is that you are afraid it will hurt and therefore tense your vaginal muscles which makes it hurt more. Another possibility is that you have not been producing the lubrication needed in order to make things go more smoothly. This could be caused by a number or issues, but the more aroused you are, the more likely you are to become well lubricated. You can also try using a water based or silicone based lubricant if you find that you are drying out from friction or just not becoming wet enough for pleasurable sexual activity. A lot of sex toy shops carry lube samplers which will give you little 1 oz samples of several different types of lube. Try several out and find your favorite.

Another suggestion: masturbation. If you don’t already, both of you should start masturbating in order to figure out how you like to be touched. Once you get the hang of it and if you feel comfortable, try masturbating in front of each other to show each other how you like being touched. It will be educational and really sexy.

Since you both are pretty new to the sex thing in general I'm going to recommend a very general and all encompassing book: The Guide to Getting in On by Paul Joannides. It will help you learn about your own and each other's bodies as well as give you ideas to experiment with. In my opinion, and in the opinions of many others, it is the best sex education book ever written.

Ouch! His Penis Hurts Me!

The guy I'm dating is fairly well hung. Strange thing is that while it's not the biggest penis I've had, it HURTS me a lot afterwards, not during. He's energetic but not really very rough. Most my previous partners try to drill holes through me, this one is tame by anyone's standards.

If I stay awake after sex, then I'm hurting until I fall asleep. If I fall asleep after, then the pain starts to hit me a few hours after waking and walking around. I'm not talking about sore, my uterus feels like it's getting sucked up by my stomach. I can't walk and changing positions makes me feel like my insides are going to explode.

Everyone at work laughs at me (there's no way i can hide this sort of pain) and while my boy sympathizes with me, mostly, he just laughs because it's this insane ego trip for him.

I don't want to not have sex. It's not only very good sex, but it's kind of impossible to avoid. He's very young and very horny.

What do I do?

Any man who is proud of hurting a woman with his penis is a misogynistic jerk. I don't care how young and horny he may be, if he wants to have sex with you he should be more understanding and try to find ways to make sure you don't hurt afterwards. Sex should be a pleasurable experience for both of you and if you're hurting after sex then you're going to be less likely to want to do it as time goes on. It is in his best interest to help you out in any way he can.

The first thing I want you to do is go to a doctor or a reproductive health clinic like Planned Parenthood. Get a pelvic exam and get tested for STIs. Pain can be caused by STIs or other infections that may not show any other symptoms.

If you find out you are healthy or after you get treated and you find you're still having pains you will probably need to experiment with positions. Your current partner may not be bigger than some of the guys you've had, but his penis may be shaped differently. Take note of the way his penis curves. Any curvature at all may hurt certain women while others may prefer a curved penis. Try having his penis enter you from different angles and see if this makes a difference.

There are also positions you can try to make penetration shallower. Try laying on your stomach with your legs slightly separated and him on top of you, entering from behind. Try having sex in a spooning position. You can also try riding him, which will give you control over depth. Missionary will even work as long as you keep your legs down on the bed instead of up in the air or over his shoulders.

The goal really is to experiment a lot and see what works for the both of you. Experimenting is fun and hot!

Feminism and Relationships

New studies suggest that feminists may actually have better romantic and sexual relationships. Makes sense to me! However, I think the author plays up the heterosexuality of feminists a bit too much. Sure the stereotype is that we're all lesbians and it isn't true, but don't discount the women who love women.

Read the article here.

Trans Women and Dating

Hello Garnet,
So I have a question for you for your blog. So, I'm MTF TS, pre op. I plan on having a relationship with a guy, a genetic guy, probably before Genital Reassignment Surgery. I don't want a chaser (one who specifically desires pre-op TS) and I don't want a guy who is not cool with me being TS. I'm also really scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Like what if the only type of person I will attract will be the guys who are only attracted to TS? Very scary, I just want a regular, open-minded heterosexual guy who wants a woman, because after the surgeries, I should be able to pass in the face, body, and down there.

So, what are your thoughts? Do you think any regular heterosexual guy would be able to have a relationship with me or do you think it's just completely a very slim chance, that he could never get past the fact that I was born a male, no matter how passable and fem I become?

I hate to say it, but there is a lot of violence against trans women. As a group, trans women suffer more hate related violence than any other group. It is a very sad fact and it will highly affect your dating options. It is unfortunate but there are a lot of heterosexual men out there who think that dating a trans woman would be a threat to their masculinity. As if somehow dating a trans woman makes them less of a man.

With that in mind, I have to say that finding a partner will not be easy. It is not impossible though. One thing I would recommend is to keep an open mind. Don't automatically discount men who are specifically looking for trans women. I understand not wanting to be fetishized, but you could be missing out on a wonderful man who just happens to find trans women fascinating and sexy. Also don't automatically discount men from the queer community. There are bisexual/pansexual/queer men who are a lot more open minded than your average heterosexual male. Love can happen in a lot of places and the more open minded you are about where you can find it, the more likely you will be to find it.

You didn't mention any desire to hide your bio-sex from anyone, which I commend. It is important that you be upfront and honest with anyone you are interested in dating. It will be a bigger heartbreak for you if you wait to tell the person and they end up rejecting you for it. Or even worse if they find out from someone else.

Your best bet for finding a man with whom you can have an intimate relationship is probably going to be in big liberal cities with a younger, more educated demographic.

I wish you lots of luck in your quest and hope that you will keep us updated.

Same-Sex Marriage

Today I went to see openly gay Rep. Greg Harris of the Illinois General Assembly speak. He is responsible for the introduction of House Bill 1826 which is titled "The Illinois Religious Freedom Protection and Civil Union Act" which basically states that same-sex couples would be granted the right to civil unions which are the same as marriage in all but name, but religious groups can continue to not bless these marriages if they would prefer not to. With same-sex civil unions in such a close grasp in Illinois I can't help but feel the need to share my opinion on this hot issue.

The same-sex marriage debate is a popular one these days, but only two sides are really being voiced. Either you're for it because you feel that gay couples deserve the same rights as straight couples or you're against it because homosexuality is a sin or disgusting or whathaveyou.

There is a very important third opinion not getting voiced here. This opinion is that we shouldn't be fighting for gay marriage. It is the wrong fight and it is too specific to the LGB community (I'm specifically leaving T out because I don't think the rights of T folks are really getting acknowledged in the popular debate). We need to think of the bigger picture. What we should be fighting for are the rights of all types of families. This includes conjugal families, but also extends to grandparents caring for grandchildren, roommates, friends, extended families living under the same roof, those who choose to take care of their sick or dying relatives or friends, etc. Why is it that only married couples get these rights? Shouldn't all families get them? In this day and age the nuclear family is becoming less and less common and the laws and benefits need to be shaped around the real American family not some ridiculous conservative "family values" ideal. This real American family lives together and cares for one another emotionally, spiritually, mentally, financially, and physically. These are the real ideals that should be strived for in a family, not just sexual and/or blood relations.

All of the countries that have legalized same-sex marriage/unions have no real rights that go along with marriage. It wasn't a big deal to give same-sex couples the right to marry because everyone already had those rights already. But in the US we like to do things backwards. What we should really be fighting for right now is universal health care. That is going to get us and everyone else a little closer to the equality that we supposedly seek.

The marginalized need to stop fighting for things that only affect their one community. We need to work together for the greater good. In fighting for same-sex marriage we are alienating a lot of people who have much more pressing needs. In fighting together for the equality of every type of family we fight for everyone in our country. This would encompass same-sex marriage and any other type of family unit that is formed.

In fighting for same-sex marriage we are just widening the gap between acceptable types of family units and unacceptable ones. There will continue to be a hierarchy where nuclear families are at the top.

Now I want you to also keep in mind that this makes me a hypocrite. I want to marry my girlfriend one day and I will even if I can't do so legally. However, if I can legally marry her then I will be very happy to do so. But even if I do marry her in Illinois my marriage would still not be valid in most other states and I still don't receive any federal benefits. So once again we come back to the need for universal rights for all types of families.

*steps down off her soapbox*

If anyone is interested in reading more about this third side to the debate I encourage them to check out BeyondMarriage.org.