What is Rape Culture?

So I've been bringing up rape and rape culture lately because I loved the book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape and because Britni has been writing about it lately on her blog. So I've been inspired.

But maybe all this talk has been going a little over your head? I'm not being condescending here, I just forget that I have a degree in gender and women's studies and most of you probably don't. I may use words and phrases that you don't know. In a recent blog post Britni alerted me to a great post on Shakesville that describes rape culture rather than just defining it. I recommend checking it out in either spot if you've never heard the term before, or even if you have. You might really learn something new.

Because the truth is, we can't have a sex positive society where everyone is encouraged to express their sexuality openly without changing the culture of rape.

And look forward to more posts by Britni on her blog about rape and rape culture. Its great to see sex bloggers who tackle difficult issues.

Related Posts:
1. But I'm Not a Rapist
2. How to Approach Women Without Being Maced
3. Recommended Reading

But I'm Not a Rapist

This is a rather late response to a few blogs. The reason is that I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to write on the topic, but then I couldn't stop thinking about it. So obviously I just need to get this out on the internets so that I can get it out of my head.

The blogs that sparked this post:

Britni is Shameless

Hubman's Hangout

There's really just one issue that I want to address here and that is this idea that men are offended when women say that they feel the need to look at every man as a potential rapist.

First of all, 1/3^rd of all women will be the victim of sexual assault in their lifetime (source pdf). Many of those women are assaulted more than once. That is a LOT of sexual assault. But you know that someone has to be assaulting these women. And we also know that men are the main perpetrators of violent crime (source). So logically, men are the ones assaulting these women. How come we never hear statistics of how many men are rapists? 1/3^rd of women are sexually assaulted, but what fraction of men are doing the assaulting? And since men commit the most violent crimes against each other, why aren't men more afraid of other men?

So considering how many women are assaulted and how men are almost always the perpetrators, isn't it just a survival tactic to be wary around men? And I think the biggest problem here is that we're more wary around men we don't know, which is a problem since its usually the ones we do know who attack us. Do we think all men are rapists? No, but its difficult to tell which ones are and which ones aren't. Sometimes its safer to assume that a man we just met is a rapist so that we take extra precautions.

One of the most powerful statements I've heard about this subject is actually from a man. I've posted the video on my blog here before, but to reiterate he says “Ask a woman in your life who you care about, how her life would be different if the threat of sexual assault didn't exist. And listen to what she says; don't talk just listen to what she says. Because you will see how constrained her life is.” I think that part of the reason that men may feel offended by our statements is because they don't really try to understand what women go through every day of their lives. I've never been outright raped or assaulted. Its actually difficult to define the sexual violations I've experienced because they don't follow the usual definitions. But needless to say, I have felt violated in many ways. And like most women, I live in constant fear. Its a fear that is ingrained within us from childhood. Talk to your female loved ones and really listen to what they have to say.

I don't think that men should be offended by the statement that every man is a potential rapist. The reaction: “Well, I'm not a rapist” is a way of blocking out the problem. Its a way of saying that its not your problem. As if the problem only lies with women and their rapists. We desperately need men to fight against rape along side of us. Instead of being offended and throwing up a wall, be shocked by the statement, understand it, and work to change it. If we are ever going to see an end to sexual assault we need men to help us.

What needs to be done is we need to change our culture. Instead of always telling women to protect themselves we need to understand that the culture encourages men to rape women. We need to stop blaming women for being assaulted. We need to change our views of sex, ownership, and gender. The onus needs to be placed on those who perpetuate a culture of violence and rape.

You may never have raped or assaulted a woman yourself, but have you made a joke about sexually or physically abusing a woman? Have you laughed at jokes like these that your friends tell? Or have you even just sat by being offended by what someone is saying about women, but you haven't spoken up? Has a woman told you that she has been sexually assaulted and you didn't believe her? Or maybe you thought that if only she wasn't such a slut/drunk/risk taker that maybe she wouldn't have gotten raped in the first place? Have you ever assumed that a woman bringing a rape case against a star athlete was just in it for the money? Have you ever offered a woman drinks in order to try to have sex with her? When a woman says no to sex, do you try to convince her otherwise or do you just let it go? When you have sex with a woman do you make sure that she is an engaged and active partner or is the lack of “no” enough consent for you? Have you ever catcalled a woman on the street? Have you ever felt entitled to have sex with a woman because you bought her something or took her out? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are guilty of participating in rape culture. And I guarantee you that most people will probably answer yes to at least one. No one is perfect, but we need to realize what we're doing and change it in order to eradicate rape from our society.

Recommended Resources:

Tough Guise

Men Can Stop Rape

Yes Means Yes

Men Against Sexual Violence
The National Organization for Men Against Sexism
One in Four
Jackson Katz

How to Approach Women Without Being Maced

Today on Feministing they linked to an amazing article A Guy's Guide to Approaching Strange Women Without Being Maced. The article describes what goes through a woman's head when a strange man approaches her in public. And I think it is a wonderful way of opening up men's (and even women's) eyes as to what women go through on a daily basis. And no matter how amazingly attractive you find a woman, there are certain circumstances in which you should never approach her. I have definitely been hit on when walking alone down a dark street before. Like HELLO!?!? Women constantly live with the fear of being assaulted and I don't think most men really realize that.

Which reminds me of a video that a friend of mine posted in his blog (really hope he doesn't mind the gank - I'll take it down if he does) which featured interviews from a Men Against Sexual Violence (MASV) conference that he put on in Chicago several months ago. Its a bit rough, but it has some very powerful moments. The moment that really sticks with me is at about 8:20-9:30. Love those guys!

Giving Thanks to the Voices

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful for sex toys, obviously. Love 'em!

I'm also always thankful for those who speak out; those who give voice to their pain and oppression. It helps others in those same positions to know that they are not alone and that they too can fight. It is never easy, but it is always important. An old friend of mine sent me a link to her blog, Never Another Woman and I found it to be very powerful. She talks about how she was abused by her husband, but not in the ways that we usually think of. When most people think of domestic violence they think of Lifetime movies where the women are physically knocked around and possibly sexually abused as well. This woman was, and many men and women are and were, in a controlling, verbally abusive relationship. She speaks out about how he made her feel worthless and crazy. He made her feel like she was a bad mother and an awful wife. He separated her from all of her support networks so that she had no one to turn to. And because this kind of abuse was psychological in nature, she felt it was all her fault; she felt she deserved it.

But now she is speaking out. She is one small voice on the internet, but she is a powerful one. In telling her story she is able to reach out to many more people who are in the same position and to others who may not know about these kinds of abuse. What she is doing is important and risky.

So pass the link on. Pass on her story. You never know who it might help. She also has links to resources for domestic abuse and even has some forums set up for people to talk about the issues she addresses.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.