Why Haven't You Transferred to the New Blog Yet?

Seriously. There's so much good stuff going on there that you're missing.

Check out everything I've been writing:
Analyzing Sexuality
The Sqweel
The Elusive Female Orgasm
Succu Dry: Once Bitten ...

And while you're there, subscribe to my feed through your favorite reader (I prefer Google Reader myself) or email.

Hard Time Getting Wet

Hi! So I lost my virginity to my boyfriend a few months ago (I'm just over 18) but we haven't had sex since. We've tried, but it really really really hurts when he tries to go in. It might be because I'm not wet enough? We used lube the first time because, yeah, I wasn't wet enough. I just can't seem to get wet when we begin the foreplay and I don't know why? Please help.

If you haven't read my post about painful sex after losing your virginity be sure to read it. I address a lot of the possible issues there. But I wanted to do another blog post that specifically focuses on the subject of vaginal lubrication which you say might be the reason the sex is painful.

First of all, every woman is different. Some women get really wet, but may not feel particularly aroused while other women may be so aroused that they'll hump the closest thing that vibrates (washing machine?), but they'll be really dry. And then of course there is everyone in between.
There are many reasons that a woman may or may not get wet and those can differ throughout her lifetime. Some of these may include: 

1. You were made that way: Its just genetics and there's no changing it. If you were to ask your mother she might site the same problems with vaginal dryness.
2. Hormones: As our menstrual cycle changes so does our body. You may have noticed other changes in your body as well. During ovulation vaginal lubrication becomes waterier so that it is easier to get pregnant. And as many women get older menopause can turn their vaginas into the Sahara Desert. 
3. Medication: A lot of different medications have side-effects. Some of them can cause vaginal dryness. The main culprits are anti-depressants, hormonal birth control, anti-histamines, and decongestants (they don't only dry out your nose). 
4. Diet/Exercise: Your overall level of health effects natural body functions. In general, the healthier you are, the better your body functions.
5. Hydration: If you don't drink enough water you are going to have a harder time producing the wet stuff.
6. Life: Life throws curveballs. So much that goes on in our day to day can really effect us. Stress, depression, sleep deprivation, pregnancy, lactation, and menopause can all effect your ability to lubricate.
7. Drugs/Alcohol: Sex and drugs just don't mix. That being said, there can be some exceptions to this rule. Smoking pot has been known to help with Anorgasmia, but that's another post for another day.
8. Latex: You all should be having safer sex! And latex actually dries a vagina out. Add extra lube to make things more slippery and fun and also to prevent the condom from breaking.
   

Some of this stuff is changeable, some of it is not. And lets face it, sometimes you want to have sex when you're drunk. In these cases, and in really any case, lube is a fantastic option. Lube makes everything better. There are 3 main types of lube:

1. Water-based: Most lubes are water-based and these tend to be the easiest to find and are often cheaper than some other types. They are condom compatible and easily wash out of sheets. If water based lube dries out, you can add more lube or add some water or spit to rejuvenate it. Look at the ingredients list on lube bottles before buying them. Try to avoid stuff like fragrance, glycerin, honey (actually saw this one in a certain type of KY), and flavors. Flavored lube is really only for external use (i.e. oral sex and rim jobs). Recommendations: Liquid Silk, Maximus, Slippery Stuff, or if you have a lot of allergies SliquidH2O
   
2. Silicone-based: Because these are not water-based they do not wash away, which makes this a great option for shower sex, but also means that it can stain your sheets. Lay a towel down before using silicone lube. A lot of people love that silicone lube doesn't dry up as fast as water-based lubes which means a little goes a long way. They may be more expensive, but it ends up evening out in the end. Just remember that you can't use silicone-based lube with most silicone sex toys, but they can be used with condoms. Recommendations: Pink, Pjur, and Gun Oil. Some silicone lubricants contain aloe. This can make them dry up a little faster than the ones that don't.
   
3. Oil-Based: Oil-based lubes should really only be used for masturbation. Men can use them to jerk off with and women can rub a little bit of oil on their clits. These lubricants DO NOT belong inside a vagina and they will degrade a latex condom making it useless. Therefore I will not make any recommendations on this one.

If you can't decide what will work best for you, many sex shops carry lube sampler packs that will have small 1 or 2 time use pillows of their bestselling lubes. Babeland, Good Vibrations, and Early to Bed all have great samplers.

Related Reading
1. We Waited Until Marriage
2. Staying a Virgin
3. Flaming Lube!

If you Google it, I will Answer #2

I love seeing how people get to my site. And sometimes they inadvertently find my site by asking a question I never answer here. That makes me sad :( So in the interest of getting people's questions answered I will respond to questions I see people googling to get here.

Does more body hair equal better sex?

There is no simple sex + n = better sex equation except maybe where n=communication or enthusiasm, but I don't consider those to be simple since they're done in so many different ways. So no, body hair doesn't equal better sex unless your partner is into Bears. And if that is the case, then by all means don't shave anything ever again.

If you Google it, I will Answer

I love seeing how people get to my site. And sometimes they inadvertently find my site by asking a question I never answer here. That makes me sad :( So in the interest of getting people's questions answered I will respond to questions I see people googling to get here.

Can oral sex bleach beards?

No, no it cannot. Unless your sweetie is bleaching their pubes at the time, but that sounds lethal. You might want to call poison control.

Tip/Fact of the Day

I will be tweeting a sex tip or fact of the day every day until I run out of them. Some you may know, some you may not. Follow me to learn things!

Tips I've tweeted so far:
- if your vag feels a little dry, rub a little silicone lube on it in the morning & feel smooth & slick all day
- Honey dust is great 4 licking off ur partner, but did u know it absorbs moisture? Dust it btwn sheets or in sandals 2 absorb sweat

If you don't twitter, don't worry! All of my tweets are published to facebook as well (when its working properly). Friend me on facebook to see my updates there. Mention you read my blog when adding me.

Did you not understand one of my tip/fact tweets or just want more info? Send me an email and let me know and I will go into further detail on my blog.

Blowjob Tips!

This was recently asked on the message boards of a site I hang out on by a person who is super awesome and near and dear to my heart. I responded there, but I decided I'd post my response here as well since amazingly enough, after 2+ years I don't have a single post on how to give a blowjob on this blog.

I'm queer, mostly dating genderqueer 'girls'/bois/trans, etc, but I will date born-men, too. It's just been less common. Since my last break up I've been on a man-bender, but oral sex is kinda personal...I haven't been with that many dudes and it's been years since I've given a blowjob on anything more than a dildo where it's the same in many ways, but different.

So tips for giving head! I know you have 'em. ...no teeth is a given, I'm not daft Go!

Enthusiasm is key. You have to actually enjoy doing it and want to do it. That always makes things hotter. Take time to look him in the eye and moan while you're sucking him off.

Start off a bit slow. Don't go right into the sucking. Lick and stroke his cock, getting it nice and slippery.

Use both hands and your mouth. Get everything into the action! Stroke his cock with one (lubed or saliva'd) hand like you're following the stripes on a barber pole, follow that hand with your mouth, and use the other one to play with his balls, perineum, and ass if he's willing. While you're doing this pay special attention to his frenulum, which is on the underside of the head of the penis. This is one of the most sensitive areas on most men.

To make it even more fun you can straddle his thigh while he lays on his back so that you can grind your cunt into his leg. Breasts brushing against body parts can also help. Really blow jobs are a whole body activity, but many women are only using their mouths.

Also, don't worry about slobbering. The more slobber the better. And most men seem to enjoy the slurpy noises that go along with it.

Keep in mind that these instructions are a jumping off point. Ultimately the most important part of pleasing your partner is paying attention. You have to pay attention to the way they react to you and what you're doing. Ask questions, experiment, and have fun. Everyone is different and that's what makes sex interesting.

(This question was originally asked by a cis-female, but the answer can be adapted to other genders as well. Rub whatever body parts your partner finds to be sexy on their body. Um ... not including your eyes ... unless you're both into that ...)

Harness/Dildo Recommendations

Gotta say that I love your blog even if I'm not necessarily the intended audience.

I've got another question. I'm the "Phil" who loves to use strapons with my wife (Men Wearing Strap-ons). There are lots of strapons on the market. Lately I've settled on the Alias 6 inch vibrating strapon, occasionally using Doc Johnson a 7" vibrating strapon. But I would like to spice it up a bit and get some variety.

What strapons do you suggest? The ones designed as "hollow" don't suit as I have no erectile issues and generally don't fit inside which results in a "floppy" or not solid dildo, so I generally stay away from ones designed for men. My partner likes about the 6-7inch mark but needs it to vibrate strongly. What are your picks?

There is no one who is not my intended audience. My hope is that everyone can learn at least one new thing by reading my blog. So believe it or not Phil, you are my intended audience. And I'm very happy that you love my blog.

There are indeed a lot of strap-ons on the market and you sir are using crappy quality ones. I'm sorry to say it, but you're really getting what you're paying for. The cheap materials and lack of versatility make for bad quality sex toys. You should actually probably be using condoms with those dildos if you aren't already. Seriously, you can't really be sure whats in them. The truth is that the sex toy industry is a mostly unregulated one. Sex toys are deemed novelty items and therefore not intended to be put in your body. Awful, right?

So I can give you my recommendations, but they may end up costing you a pretty penny. But the good news is that the stuff I can recommend is going to last you a lot longer, will be a lot more body safe, and more versatile.

You shouldn't buy a strap-on, you should buy a harness and a dildo which ends up equaling a strap-on. You should be purchasing a harness that is compatible with many dildos. That way you can vary the cocks without having to have a million and one harnesses. Also, its a lot easier to take care of them if you can separate them. And let me just say that vac-u-lock sucks. Lets just get that out there. They use crappy materials and its basically a trick so you only buy their products since only one company makes them. *breathes*

Okay, that's been said. Now what I would recommend for a male bodied individual would be the Commando Harness because it leaves room for your junk and because its super versatile and comfy. It comes with 2 different sized O-rings that will hold your super fantastic new strap-on dildo(s). Another option would be the Crown Harness which sits higher up and out of the way of your junk. This one comes with 3 different O-rings which will allow for quite the variety in size of dildo. Or, if you're anti-leather you can try the Velvet Harness. The cushy backplate comes off easily in order to accommodate more space for your junk. Plus its nylon so it will be a bit easier to take care of.

Now for dildos you really want to be looking for one made out of silicone. They are a bit pricier but they will last a looooong time. Some of them even have lifetime warranties. They're also non-porous which means bacteria won't harbor in them and it is a body safe material. This translates to you not needing to use a condom with these bad boys. They are a-ok! Some options of vibrating silicone dildos:

• Buzz is a sleek purple silicone dildo measuring 6.5"x1.5"
• Echo is textured for some more interesting sensations. Size-wise it is the same as Buzz
• Prince is also a smooth silicone dildo, but the hole in the bottom where the vibe goes is bigger than the previously mentioned ones, which makes this one more versatile for using with other vibrators. Prince is also the same size as the previous two.
  
• Pink Panther is a smooth silicone dildo that looks nothing like a cock if you're interested in that. It is also a bit shorter and thinner than the previous dildos measuring in at 6"x1.25"
• Leo is a bit heftier of a cock measuring in at 7.125"x1.5." Leo is a very popular model and resembles a penis a bit more than the other dildos I've mentioned so far. I feel like he may actually a bit girthier than the measurements say though.
  
• Woody is fabulous in red and also looks more like a real penis than some of the others. This guy is a pretty standard 6.5"x1.5"

  All of these dildos come with a vibrator although they're not particularly strong vibes. One of my fellow sex bloggers, Red, recently reviewed a really powerful bullet that is the same size as the standard watch battery vibe that comes with all the above dildos, but is more powerful. Check out her review here. The one thing to keep in mind though is that while it would be more convenient to pull the bullet out of the dildo by its cord, that will shorten its life by a lot so it is inadvisable.

The thing is, is that bullet vibe is extremely expensive. I honestly haven't seen any bullet vibes that are that pricey (granted I don't spend much time looking at bullet vibes), but it seems a bit ridiculous. So what I'm thinking is that the regular vibe that comes with the dildo might be okay if your wife held a vibe on her clit while you're doing her. Not too many women need strong vibrations in their vagina unless they're not receiving clitoral stimulation. There are tons of vibrators on the market so its difficult to give recommendations since I don't really know what your wife likes. But luckily Babeland has a great guide for choosing a vibrator. But let me know if you need any more specific recommendations.

Wife Unsure About Sex With Others

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years. We have a secure and trusting relationship. We've talked about her sleeping with another person (man or woman) off and on for a couple of years. I'm absolutely fine with it. In fact it turns me on a bit. But she is still reluctant. She wants to but she still thinks I might not be okay with it afterwords. What steps can I take to reassure her that it's fine with me? I don't see sex as cheating. Or is it me that's wrong? What are the steps we can take to go down this path?

We don't have kids – if that makes a difference.

Let me start off by saying that kids don't make a lick of difference here.

Okay now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd say that in general you guys are taking the right steps. There's obviously been a lot of communication, which is supremely important if you're thinking about opening up your relationship. And what there needs to be more of also is communication. Its not surprising that she is worried about how you will react afterwords. She obviously values your relationship a great deal and doesn't want to screw it up. Traditionally, sex outside of relationships has been known to screw things up. But it doesn't have to be that way.

So how much more communication can there be? How about instead of trying to convince her that you'll be okay after she sleeps with someone else, you move the topic to how you both plan on checking in with each other after she does. There is the possibility that you may feel ways that you don't expect to feel and if you're both prepared with how to deal with those feelings then the more likely this will all go smoothly. Talk about jealousy. Talk about what things you only want her to do with you. But make sure that before she has sex with someone else that you set up an appointment with each other for afterwords to check in on how you're both feeling.

Before you both dive into the deep end I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up, which is about all kinds of open relationships. It will help you to set ground rules between the both of you (including having her always use protection!!) and help guide you through the process. She also has a website where you can talk to other people going through the same issues you are and even find local support communities.

Whether or not sex is cheating really depends on the people in the relationship. There are a lot of people in open relationships who definitely wouldn't consider sex with others to be cheating as long as their partner was being honest about it. Some couples may be okay with vaginal sex outside of the relationship but reserve anal for each other. And then there are other couples who consider viewing pornography as cheating. So its all really up to the couple to decide and discuss. Just remember to communicate and be safe.

Small Breasts- To Implant or Not to Implant

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Shit Happens

So, last night I had some pretty good sex. My guy came over after work & took a shower so he was all squeaky clean. So we have sex for an hour or so & then I start playing around with him with my hands & he gets really into it. He likes anal pressure but no penetration or anything. I have ample lube & he is a very happy boy. Now here's my issue... keep in mind he had just showered. I have an unbelievably sensitive sense of smell. There was a little more anal play/pressure than usual but like I said no penetration since hes not into that.....I could um, smell it. I could kind of ignore it but it wasn't something I'd like to repeat often b/c of that. Now this isn't an issue for him or anything...I go down on him plenty & there's NO odor issues. I guess it's just b/c I was playing around there? He enjoyed it SO MUCH though. So the question is....how do I avoid that next time? The smell thing that is & WTF is that about? Yikes.

OK here is the thing about butts, now everyone say it with me: "Poop comes out of your butt." If you're going to be going in or around someone's butt you may have to deal with poop. As they say, 'shit happens.' There are ways to try to avoid poop, but if you're going to play with the butt there is no way to make sure to 100% avoid it. Its like pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections: If you don't want them you have to abstain from sex all together, but there are precautions to lower your risks. Because lets face it, sex and butts are hella fun!

The facts about pooping:
Poop (such a funny word!) is pretty much formed in the large intestine and then goes into the rectum where it is stored for a short period of time. When we go to the bathroom to relieve ourselves it comes out of the rectum through the anal sphincter. And no matter how good we wipe ourselves afterwards there is always a chance that some of that fecal matter stayed in the rectum and/or just inside of the sphincter. And it often slowly works its way out.

This is why bidets are awesome! Its sooo much easier to clean yourself well with water than with tp. That being said, as showcased by your man, its still not always enough to do the trick. Because fecal matter can get trapped in that area I mentioned before we need to actually work our finger into the sphincter a bit to try to clean it out. This is especially easy to do in the shower. Just relax and slowly apply pressure around your anus and the tip of your finger will go right in. And voila a clean bum!

If the stink butt keeps happening you may have to talk to your man about how to properly clean his rear end. I know this can be a somewhat uncomfortable topic, but approach it gently without talking about it being gross. Just talk about how you like to poke him in the butt, but sometimes its a little stinky and you just want to make sure you're getting him as clean as possible so its enjoyable for both of you.

There's also the possibility that he may not have been feeling at the top of his game, but still wanted to mess around with you. I think we've all been there. Sometimes you don't realize until its a little too late that maybe it wasn't the best idea. If it hasn't happened to you yet, I guarantee it will at some point.

So above all, I'd say have some compassion and a sense of humor. If he's usually a pretty clean guy and a smell or a little poo comes out now and again don't hold it against him. You may be on the other side of that at some point.

Also, if you want to keep things clean I'd highly suggest picking up some latex or neoprene gloves. They're pretty cheap and keep a barrier between your hands and his poop. Just remember to use lots of lube!

Taking Too Long

So, I've been seeing this guy lately & the sex is alright. Well, great really. Except there's the issue that he CAN'T cum after hours...yes, HOURS. 4 hours is too much for me. Anyway, that's kind of a big deal to me b/c HELLO it's easy to make someone cum! WHAT is wrong with me that I cant?

He's taking too long to cum. This is very inconsiderate of him IF he is doing it on purpose. Some men seem to think that they should last forever. But some men also aren't as easy to cum as other men are. It can make you feel inadequate if you are used to a man who does cum quickly. I highly suggest talking to him about it. Saying something along the lines of "I really enjoy playing and having sex with you, but I've noticed that you don't cum. Is there anything that I can do to help? I want you to fully enjoy our time together and I'd love to make you cum, but I'm not gonna lie, even though its fun, it gets really tiring after 45 min to an hour." He may not even realize that you're getting tired or he may actually need you to bring up his issues with cumming to help him get through it. Keep in mind that he may say that he needs to jerk himself off in order to cum. And remember that that isn't anything against you. He's probably just trained himself to the stimulation that his hand brings. And everything you do up to that point makes it waaaaay better than he could've done on his own. If this is the case and you'd like to be more involved in his cumming you two can switch between him stroking himself and you stimulating him until he gets a little more used to the kind of stimulation you provide and the possibility of cumming.

One thing to keep in mind also is that everyone is responsible for their own orgasms. You are not responsible for giving him an orgasm and nor is he responsible for giving you an orgasm. Communicating your needs and desires will go a long way in helping you both achieve orgasm.

Orgasms After Child Birth

Hi, I'm 19 years old and just had my beautiful baby girl with my fiancee. My problem is that I have not been able to orgasm since I was about 3 months pregnant. Before I got pregnant the only way I could climax was when I was on top, and since recently getting the ok from my doctor to have sex again, absolutely nothing has worked. I've tried masturbation and clitoral stimulation, but neither works for me. I do not have postpartum depression, I'm not happy about my 30 lbs weight gain, but I am by no means depressed. Do you have any suggestions to help me?

First of all, let me apologize for not getting back to you sooner on this. I hope you aren't having this issue any more and that this will just be advice for those who are looking for answers now and in the future. But if you are still struggling with achieving orgasm now, maybe I can give you a few ideas.

I'm going to assume that you gave birth vaginally.

Pregnancy and childbirth can really screw with your system! It can take awhile for things to get back to normal down there and what is normal might actually end up changing for you.

Some possible changes that might be inhibiting your orgasms include hormones, change in vaginal muscles (weakening/stretching/tearing/etc.), change in level of libido, change in self-esteem especially related to weight gain, and just a general change in how things are working down there right now.

One of the most important things you can do for yourself after giving birth is to give yourself time. I'm glad you waited for the OK from your doctor as some couples don't and can actually do damage. But you also need to give yourself time to get back into the swing of things. Like I said before, pregnancy and child birth can really change a lot of things and sometimes that means relearning your body and how you receive pleasure and reach orgasm.

But don't think of it as a chore. I know it can be extremely frustrating to not reach orgasm in the ways you've always done, but try to think of it as a fun experiment to see what feels good now. If you can, try to not make orgasm your goal. Just enjoy your intimate moments together and try to find what feels just plain great. Eventually, you'll be able to figure out what brings you to orgasm now. Maybe even hold off on intercourse and just relearn how to use your hands and mouths on each others bodies. When you do get back to having vaginal intercourse, try new positions. Maybe even pick up a copy of a positions book. I like the Position of the Day Playbook because it doesn't take itself too seriously and because it has places where you can make notes on each position. This way you can remember what you liked and didn't like and what little changes you made to make it better. Spend time relearning your body on your own as well.

One big tip I can give you is to do Kegel exercises so you can get the muscles that actually contract during orgasm back into shape. Doing your Kegels while masturbating can often be lots of fun!

Another tip that may be helpful is to try to spend more time on setting the mood and focusing on foreplay. I know this can be extremely difficult when you have a baby, but it can go a long way in helping you to feel more sexy instead of fat and frazzled. For tips on keeping your sex life alive after having kids check out the book Sexy Mamas.

And remember, your body is going to change throughout your life which means that the ways you get off are going to change too. Try not to get frustrated with it and instead embrace the variety of life and the pleasure (not just orgasms) you derive from sex.

Web Cam Sex

I'm looking for advice on posing on a web cam for a significant other.

Just like any sexual activity that involves one or more people, communication is going to be your best bet. Ask what your significant other wants to see. You may be surprised by the answers! That gut you've always despised may be one of your sexiest features according to your partner. And while you may think they want a closeup of your genitals, it may turn out that they rather watch your face while you orgasm.

I actually used to do some work as a cam girl so I have a little bit of experience in this field. A lot is going to really depend on how fast both you and your S.O.'s internet connections are. Obviously, the faster your internet the smoother the show will go.

If your connections are slow then it is going to be more like posing for a camera rather than acting in a film. If you have a slow connection you will have more time to set up for shots and that can be a lot of fun. However, in the end it may just end up being frustrating as you'd like to get on with the action instead of just posing. In that case you may want to take turns where one poses while the other masturbates. If your connections are faster and you can see most movements without any real blur then you can have all kinds of fun.

Probably the most important guideline is to make sure you have a window up that allows you to see yourself on cam. Try to have it mirrored as well, so that you can more easily move while looking at yourself on cam. This will allow you to see what your partner sees instead of just hoping that you're showing them what you think you're showing them.

Think of it like you're going on a date, but also like you're putting on a show. Make sure you're clean and dressed nicely (or kinkily depending on what you're going for). Presentation is important. You might even want to dress up for the occasion. You can do a lot more with a dress shirt and tie than you can with just a t-shirt. Wear nice underwear. No one likes to see a strip tease that results in stained or holey underpants.

Put on some music. It will help set the mood for you and help you to move in a more relaxed manner. But make sure you put on a sexy playlist instead of having your mp3s on shuffle. Nothing can ruin a sexy moment more than a Sesame Street song playing in the middle of a masturbation session (C is for Cookie has a whole new meaning for me).

Try to romance the webcam. Don't just rip your clothes off and rub one out. Take your time. Do a striptease first. Use props. Select what your partner sees and doesn't see. Caress yourself. Make them want more. Especially if this is a long distance relationship this can be important. You don't want your sex life to be 'wam bam thank you ma'am' whether you're in person or on cam.

Remember to tell your partner when you think something they do is hot. Encouragement can make the whole thing a lot hotter. Tell them how much watching them gets you hot. Ask for the same kind of encouragement if you want more than they are giving.

But mostly, have fun with it. Don't take yourself or the show too seriously. Silly things are going to happen that you wouldn't expect and that's OK. Just laugh it off.

The Answer to UTIs?

Several months ago a woman wrote to me about her problems with getting Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) after sex and I answered to the best of my ability in this blog entry. This is actually a relatively common problem that is often asked of sex educators and doctors. One woman who experiences this problem recently wrote in to Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross saying that she's found the solution. She highly recommends Waterfall D-Mannose. So for those of you out there who are still having a difficult time with UTIs, this might be your answer. Check it out, do the research, and maybe give it a try. I'd love to hear from anyone who has tried this stuff. Does it really work?

Slipping Out

Dear Garnet Joyce,

I am a gay male who is having sex (safe of course) with another man. I am on the receiving end of the sex, if you understand. When I am having anal sex with my guy, he frequently slips out. Why does this happen? It happens a few times each session. Are there any ways I can prevent this from happening?

I'd say that this other man that you're having sex with sounds like he thinks his dick is longer than it is. So he keeps pulling out further than he should and pops out. The best solution I can give you is to talk to him about making his thrusts a bit on the shorter side and maybe deeper (but only if deeper feels good for you). If he's new to this or you're new to having sex together it may take a bit for you guys to get the swing of things, but after some practice it will go more smoothly. And I'm glad to hear you're using protection!

BDSM Warm Ups

My wife and I want to get more into bondage and S&M but she keeps telling me I need to warm up more and her explanations on how to do so don't really help. Any reference sources or tips you could give would really help.

The thing I love about BDSM more than anything is the dedication to communication that many in the scene have. I wish that everyone communicated as much and as well as people in the BDSM scene. Boundaries, expectations, likes and dislikes, safe words, and consent are all often discussed before any type of sex play starts. If everyone was committed to communication like this we'd be a lot happier and more satisfied.

So when you tell me that her explanations aren't helping I have to wonder where the communication is suffering. Is she not willing to give all the details of what she wants? Many are afraid to ask for what they want, often assuming that their partner should just know how to please them and then ending up disappointed when it doesn't go the way they wanted it to. Or are you not asking adequate questions? Don't be afraid to ask her what she means or even to have her demonstrate on you so you can get a clearer picture.

I can't really tell you what it is that she wants you to do or give you a clearer explanation. Heck you didn't even tell me if she was a top or a bottom. But I did learn a lot of things at a recent workshop I attended at Early to Bed taught by the beautiful and talented Mistress Crimson.

She suggested that warming up a bottom should include literally warming them up by getting their blood flowing. This can decrease pain and bruising. Some examples she gave included massaging the areas you will be smacking around and light slapping with your hand or a riding crop.

As for warming up a top - and yes, tops need to be warmed up as well - its all about setting the mood. It can be difficult for a top to go from romantic dinner out on the town to tying up and spanking their partner. Sure the bottom is ready, willing, and able, but the top often feels a need to transition. Mistress Crimson suggested putting on a CD or a certain outfit that signifies playtime and makes you feel sexy and powerful.

So maybe your wife means something like that? Or maybe she means she needs a psychological warm up. Some people need to feel free to enter a different place when they are going to be doing a BDSM scene. They may just need to zone out or they may want to play a part like evil headmistress or naughty schoolgirl.

So really my advice is to talk some more. Try to figure out what it is your wife really wants and if you don't understand, ask questions. And if she doesn't want to tell you, point out that you cannot read her mind, but really want to be able to please her.

Cock Rings

Hi! A friend just turned me onto your site and it's already been really helpful! But I noticed that you don't seem to have any entries about cock rings... I've seen some in stores that are stretchy, others that are leather, but what do you think is best? Also, I used to think that cock rings were just for keeping a man from cumming, but apparently there's more to it than that? Please, enlighten me!

Cock Curious

I'm glad you're enjoying the site and thanks so much for the question. To all of you readers out there, if you think there is something missing from my blog, please don't hesitate to send an email letting me know what you'd like to see more of.

Yes, cock rings can help to keep a man from ejaculating as soon as he might normally, but they also have lots and lots of other uses too! And they also come in a number of different materials from stretchy jellies and elastomers to rigid rubber and steel.

My boss over at Early to Bed recently made a video about cock rings so I figured that would be a great way to share the info you're looking for.



There are a couple things I would like to add to what she said. First of all, the leather vibrating cock ring she shows can also be used around the testicles as well as the shaft.

Also, a great beginner cock ring is this bolo tie style cock ring. It is really easy to put on and adjust and is pretty inexpensive. It is a great way for men to figure out if they like cock rings or not.

Finally, I'd like to add that there is one more use for cock rings not mentioned by my boss. Sure they're great at making erections last longer, making them harder, helping to delay ejaculation, and stimulating the clit, but they're also great for keeping condoms on. If you find that you have difficulty with condom slippage, cock rings are great for keeping a condom secure. This can be especially helpful with polyurethane condoms which often have slippage issues, men whose penises are smaller than average, and sex toys that don't quite have the size and shape of a penis but you would prefer to have sheathed for hygienic reasons.

As far as what I think is best, well I feel that is a matter of opinion. But I do stress that if the man in question is new to using a cock ring, he should use one that is easy to remove if necessary. So it should be stretchy, adjustable, or easy to cut off. Stay away from metal! I'd even recommend not using the rubber o-ring style ones right off the bat as they can be difficult to cut off if you're panicked at all.

Kegel Toys

So, I have heard time and again how important Kegels are for vaginal health. But I feel like there isn't much information out there about which sex toys help with Kegels, especially when it comes to pregnancy. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and am not high risk, so as far as I know there is no reason to avoid sex toys. While I know that you can strengthen Kegels without toys I would love to know what is on the market in various price ranges. Ideally a something that has more than just the propose of Kegels would be great. Do you have any ideas?

Yes, Kegels are super important! They are one of the best exercises anyone can do no matter what sexual equipment you were born with or have elected to have. For those of you who don't know what Kegel exercises are or how to do them, they are a way to tone your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). The PC muscle forms the pelvic floor and when strong can help prevent incontinence, make orgasms stronger, and can help men to delay ejaculation if they desire. The way to flex this muscle is by squeezing the way you would if you were trying to make yourself stop peeing midstream. In order to figure out how to do it you can stop yourself from peeing a few times, but I don't recommend doing this regularly. The great thing about exercising your PC muscles is that you can do it anytime anywhere and no one will even know. You can do it at the grocery store, while talking to your boss, while pumping gas, while cleaning, etc. The possibilities are endless.

And you're right, doing them during pregnancy is a great idea. Having strong PC muscles will help you to give birth more easily by making it easier to push and lessening your chances of tearing during labor. You should also do kegels after you give birth as this will help get everything back into shape faster.

While exercise equipment is not necessary to do kegels, it can make it more fun. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot of price range out there as you will need sex toys that are heavy and heavy materials tend to cost more money.

The cheapest option at about $28 would probably be Smart Balls. You insert one or both balls, leaving the string outside of your body like a tampon and you squeeze the balls with your PC muscles. For resistance you can pull on the string. While these can be fun, there is nothing orgasmic about them. Some people find them to be pleasurable, but there are other options out there that are more likely to get more of a rise out of you.

The other options I would suggest would be heavy dildos, often made out of stainless steel. These you can use during masturbation by inserting the dildo into your vagina and rhythmically squeezing your muscles around it towards orgasm. I highly recommend using a vibrator on your clit in conjunction with the weighted dildo. Here are some options of dildos that you can try, their weights, and their prices:
- Natural Contours Energie 1 lb $50
- Betty Dodson's Vaginal Barbell just under 1 lb $76
- The Kegelcisor just under 1 lb $84
- njoy's Fun Wand 12oz $88
- njoy's Pure Wand 1.5 lbs currently on sale for $91.80
- or if you're really hardcore there is njoy's eleven weighing in at 2.75 lbs and costing $300

These toys are all made of high quality materials so consider it to be an investment that will last a really long time. And while you can easily warm these stainless steel toys with warm water before hand, Betty Dodson (one of my heroes and the queen of masturbation and female orgasms) suggests starting with the dildo cold so that your muscles will automatically start to clamp around it. Also, be sure to use lube when using these or any dildos. All of these toys, with the exception of the Smart Balls, can be used with either water or silicone based lubes.

Gagging During Cunnilingus

Hey Garnet,
I have an occasional problem when I start to go down on my girlfriend. There is nothing wrong about smell or taste, but for some reason, I get a gag reflex and can't continue. As you can imagine, this makes her feel self-conscious and I am just embarrassed. Do you have any advice?

First of all you two need to sit down and talk about this when nothing sexy is going on. Tell her that you love the way she tastes and smells and that you really like pleasing her. Then tell her that you don't understand why you gag sometimes and that it has NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with you. Tell her that you're going to try to figure out why this happens and that you need her help and understanding along the way. Even if she really truly understands that it is not her that is making you gag, she will still take it personally when you do gag because it is difficult to not feel that way. And so when it does happen you need to reassure her. Becoming defensive is the last thing you want to do.

What you also need to do is figure out why this is happening. This is not something I can tell you without knowing more. So you have to figure this out. What is different about the times you gag? Does it happen after eating certain foods or on an empty stomach? Does it happen at a certain time of day? Does it happen at a certain time in her cycle? Have you been drinking or doing drugs? What goes through your head right before you gag? Is there a possibility that it could be a strange side effect from any medications you're taking (believe me there are some really odd side effects out there)? Is your stomach feeling unsettled? Where are you emotionally? What is the state of your relationship when this happens? What were you doing earlier in the day? What has she been doing that day? Are there any feelings of jealousy or insecurity going on? When was the last time she bathed? Ask for her help in trying to figure out a connection.

You may find that there is a link. I actually have a somewhat similar issue when it comes to my own morning breath and oral sex. I cannot go down on a woman if I have morning breath. It doesn't make me gag, but it does make me feel sick. So I learned that if I want to go down first thing in the morning I have to get up and brush my teeth first and then everything is just hunky dory. It might be that simple for you, but it also may be more complicated.

I really hope you figure this out! And if you do then you can either just make sure to not go down on her at those times or figure out a way around it like I did with brushing my teeth. If you need to talk more about it let me know and we can talk privately.

Hitachi Attachments

I have a question for you. Well, a few questions actually. Let me start with something simple.

I am in the Army Reserve and currently deployed to Iraq. Not long ago I got my wife a Hitachi Magic Wand. She doesn't want to use the head it came with to cum with. She says that's meant just for "normal" massages, like on your shoulders.

So, does the Hitachi Magic Wand require a special or separate head piece to use between the legs? Can the default head be cleaned? Could it be covered with something and still used as a sex toy?

The Magic Wand is like the best sex toy ever! So good job on buying your wife a great product. The Hitachi definitely does not require any different head pieces or attachments for it to work its magic. Because it is only used for external stimulation there isn't so much worry about the difficulty of cleaning the head because there shouldn't be too much danger of infection. To clean it you can use a soapy washcloth or an old toothbrush. Toy cleaner sprays or wipes can be pretty convenient for this toy since you really don't want to run it under water directly. However, there are attachments out there that are easier to clean. And as any hitachi lover knows, the only thing better than a hitachi is a hitachi with attachments.

If she only wants clitoral stimulation from her hitachi I would suggest getting an Off With Your Head which replaces the current head with a silicone one. Silicone is a great material that is non-porous and super easy to clean unlike the original hitachi head.

If she is interested in internal stimulation as well then I would suggest getting either a Gee Whiz or a Gee Whizzard. Both of them are silicone and fit over the original hitachi head and they both provide g-spot stimulation. The Gee Whizzard is just a bit fancier (extra bumps) and a bit longer than the Gee Whiz. Depending on how far in she goes with it, she should be able to get clitoral stimulation as well. Also of note is that both of these attachments can also work with the Ideal, which is like a rechargeable cordless version of the hitachi for when you'll be nowhere near an outlet. I've met camping lovers desperate to find a replacement for their hitachi when they're out in the wilderness and they are ecstatic when I tell them about the Ideal.

And please, keep those questions coming!