Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex

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Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

Babeland sent me the newest in the Best Lesbian Erotica series recently. Now I have no experience reading the previous years of erotica and I'll admit that I'm hardly an avid reader of erotica in general because I do most of my reading on public transit. I really need one of those fabric book covers so I don't have to be embarrassed by the overtly sexual images on the cover. But given all this, I still have to say that I was a bit disappointed.

Sure the stories were often very hot. But there just wasn't enough variety for me. This was not lesbian erotica, this was butch/femme erotica. A lot of times I really felt as if this could have been hetero erotica, but instead of just saying cock they would add a descriptor like silicone or cyberskin. And while I love a good hot butch/femme sex story, I would really love to see more than just that. Give me some butch on butch love, some femme on femme, where are the genderqueers and the trannyboys? I NEED more variety! So call the book what it is: Butch/Femme erotica, not the best lesbian erotica of 2009. Because I am sure there are TONS of hot stories involving queer ladies of all kinds.

However, I must say that I did enjoy the fact that there were women of different ages,sizes, shapes, and colors in the book. And I always enjoy it when any type of porn or erotica references a sex toy that I have. In one story they used a Feeldoe!

One thing to keep in mind if you are considering this book is that it also has a lot of BDSM and some foot/shoe worship. If this is not your thing then I suggest skipping it. If it is your thing then there are definitely some really hot stories in here for you.

But for my money the hottest story in the whole book was the real one that Tristan Taormino shares in the intro. Hot damn! But then again when its real people really getting it on it just goes a lot further for me. That and Tristan is totally hot and smart.

BDSM Warm Ups

My wife and I want to get more into bondage and S&M but she keeps telling me I need to warm up more and her explanations on how to do so don't really help. Any reference sources or tips you could give would really help.

The thing I love about BDSM more than anything is the dedication to communication that many in the scene have. I wish that everyone communicated as much and as well as people in the BDSM scene. Boundaries, expectations, likes and dislikes, safe words, and consent are all often discussed before any type of sex play starts. If everyone was committed to communication like this we'd be a lot happier and more satisfied.

So when you tell me that her explanations aren't helping I have to wonder where the communication is suffering. Is she not willing to give all the details of what she wants? Many are afraid to ask for what they want, often assuming that their partner should just know how to please them and then ending up disappointed when it doesn't go the way they wanted it to. Or are you not asking adequate questions? Don't be afraid to ask her what she means or even to have her demonstrate on you so you can get a clearer picture.

I can't really tell you what it is that she wants you to do or give you a clearer explanation. Heck you didn't even tell me if she was a top or a bottom. But I did learn a lot of things at a recent workshop I attended at Early to Bed taught by the beautiful and talented Mistress Crimson.

She suggested that warming up a bottom should include literally warming them up by getting their blood flowing. This can decrease pain and bruising. Some examples she gave included massaging the areas you will be smacking around and light slapping with your hand or a riding crop.

As for warming up a top - and yes, tops need to be warmed up as well - its all about setting the mood. It can be difficult for a top to go from romantic dinner out on the town to tying up and spanking their partner. Sure the bottom is ready, willing, and able, but the top often feels a need to transition. Mistress Crimson suggested putting on a CD or a certain outfit that signifies playtime and makes you feel sexy and powerful.

So maybe your wife means something like that? Or maybe she means she needs a psychological warm up. Some people need to feel free to enter a different place when they are going to be doing a BDSM scene. They may just need to zone out or they may want to play a part like evil headmistress or naughty schoolgirl.

So really my advice is to talk some more. Try to figure out what it is your wife really wants and if you don't understand, ask questions. And if she doesn't want to tell you, point out that you cannot read her mind, but really want to be able to please her.

Door Jam Cuffs

Ever had fantasies about beating your partner into submission while they were strapped to a wall or door? Want to make those fantasies a reality without installing hardware that could put holes in the wall or lead to embarrassing moments when friends or relatives stop by? These door jam cuffs by Sportsheets may just be the answer!

Babeland recently sent me a set and I gotta admit that they are a lot of fun. You simply throw the plastic bars over or under the other side of the door, close it, and hook your partner in with comfy fleece lined cuffs. Unfortunately, a set only comes with two cuffs so you'll have to choose between ankles and wrists. I think wrists work just fine, but if you have a particularly fiesty partner you may want to purchase two sets of these so they can be secured properly.

Since the bars that go on the other side of the door are made of a pretty soft plastic there was no damage to the door at all, and believe me my partner tugged hard. The one down side was that there were a couple times when she tugged hard enough to actually open the door. So watch out for that possibility. Also, because of the nature of these, the person being strapped to the door really has to be shorter than the door or its no fun.

I don't know about all of you, but when I get my hands on bondage toys like these it makes my imagination go wild. I'm always trying to come up with new ways to torture my sexy little sub. I'm sure you'll come up with new fun things as well. And remember, because they require no installation, you can take them anywhere that there is a door!

Spanking

One of my favorite porn stars, Jiz Lee, recently wrote a blog reviewing Rachel Kramer Bussel's new erotica book Spanked, which you can find here. But what I really found interesting about the review was the analysis of Jiz Lee's relationship with spanking. It is very insightful and educational. I love a good spanking, but after reading this post I realize that I am nowhere near the connoisseur that Lee or Bussel are.

Hanky Code

Garnet,
Do lesbians really do this: Lesbian Flagging Codes?

This is usually called the hanky code and while some lesbians may use it, it seems to be most popular amongst gay men and the BDSM community. The idea is that you wear a handkerchief or bandana on your wrist or in your back pocket with whatever type of sex play you are interested in for the evening. This can make things a bit easier if you are a kinkster on the prowl and want to up your possibilities of participating in something specific and very kinky that night. Imagine if you had to flirt with every bar patron for 20 minutes each just to find out that only one or two were interested in the same kinks you are. This saves you time!

Some bars will even have special nights dedicated to the hanky code where patrons are encouraged to wear their kinks on their sleeve, or butt as it were.

I say it is a win, win! Not only do you get to figure out what your potential play partners are into, you have an excuse to check out their ass too.

Vacuum Beds

We were checking out videos on youtube and came across the fetish of vacuum bagging. A person puts themselves in what seems to be either a large rubber bag or plastic bag and uses a vacuum to suck all the air out. I'm not quite sure what the fetish is here, is it like the whole asphyxiation thing or is there something about the way the bag feels? Isn't this really dangerous? A lot of them used "breathing tubes" and people wrote comments saying that was "cheating" and they weren't really doing it. Can you explain this fetish in anymore detail? I don't get it at all.

I don't know if I can describe it in detail, but I may be able to give a little insight. This is in the BDSM family, which isn't exactly my forté.

What I think you're referring to is mostly done with vacuum beds (or vac beds) which are comprised of two latex sheets secured by a metal or plastic frame with a zipper for side entry. The user is sealed into the bed by sucking out all the air using a vacuum cleaner. Usually the bed comes with a breathing tube or a hole that is lined up with the user's mouth so that the person can breathe normally. It would most definitely be dangerous without a way to breathe easily.

There are a few things going on here that people may find enjoyable. Some people really enjoy the feeling of latex. Wearing and playing with latex is a kink of its very own. Another reason people seem to enjoy it is because it is pretty much impossible to move while in the bed with all the air sucked out. Many people find this kind of total restraint to be very erotic. The user (usually a submissive) is at the complete mercy of the person/people (usually dom(s)) outside of the vac bed.

This total control is the reason why it is so important for there to be a lot of trust between the people involved in activities like this. They can be extremely dangerous if the people involved don't have a lot of trust between each other and don't discuss the activity thoroughly beforehand.

I've also seen some instances of this done with just bags without a frame, but it doesn't seem to be as effective in getting the desired result, but maybe that's because those people weren't using powerful enough vacuums.

Figging

This is something a friend of mine and her current boyfriend got into recently. I wanted to find out more about Ginger Root Figging, it's pro's and con's, natural affects, and possible side-affects. So what does Garnet have to say about it?

This is probably the most exciting question I have received since starting my blog. I'd never heard of figging before I received the email containing this question and I love learning new things. I've spent a lot of free time doing research on this question in order to give a thorough answer.

For those of you who don't know, and I'm going to assume that is most of you, figging involves penetrating the anus with a piece of ginger. Basically you get a big piece of ginger, often called a hand, from the store (it may be difficult to find a good size at a supermarket so it may be necessary to go to a produce market, asian market, or health food store); you cut off a "finger" of the ginger, making sure to cut into the base of the hand to get more length; peel off the skin, making sure to smooth all of the bumps down; shape the finger into a butt plug with a concave ring for retention; and rinse the ginger with water. It is now ready for insertion into the anus. Lube is not necessary, in fact it will mute the properties of the ginger that one is seeking. The water from rinsing the ginger should make it slippery enough. The receiver will not feel the effects of the ginger right away, but after a minute or two it should start to tingle and then burn/sting. It can get pretty painful and will hurt even more if one clenches their buttocks. This is why it is really only practiced in the BDSM community.

So what do I think about this? Personally, I don't like much pain so this would be horrible for me. However, this isn't about me. I'm all for people doing whatever they want as long as they're not hurting anyone without their consent.

That said, I also don't advocate inserting objects into holes where they're not meant to go. This goes doubly for the anus. Think of your rectum as a vacuum that can suck up anything that does not have a flared base. It is true that you can carve a flared base into the ginger, but it is pretty easy to break. To do research on this I actually picked up a piece of ginger and carved it into a butt plug just to see how easy it was to break. It snapped right away with hardly any force. And lets face it you don't want to end up in the ER. I talked to a med student about the risks involved with sticking foreign objects in one's bum and this is what she had to say, "In my opinion, it's generally a bad idea to put things up one's rectum that weren't made for that purpose--but this is only because I've seen the box of things that the surgeons have pulled out of butts. (Some of these have had bad outcomes--colostomies, resection of bowel, etc. So I personally would not recommend it.) I suppose that, as with insertion of any foreign object, there is always the danger of infection or abscess formation, if there are cuts or abrasions in the rectal wall; or of colon perforation." That sure doesn't sound pleasant.

Another possible problem is how one may react to the ginger. There could be an allergic reaction to it specific to the anus or it could just be unbearably painful. The anus is an extremely sensitive and delicate area of the body. If you are going to play with ginger I would highly recommend trying it on your genitals first. This will allow you to see just how much the ginger burns and if you think you'll be able to take it in your anus. For research sake, and because my girlfriend is such a trooper, I cut a slice of the ginger root and placed it on her clit, held in by her labia majora. As was expected, she didn't feel anything at first, but after a couple minutes it started to tingle. She enjoyed the tingling, but then it became unbearably burny and she had to remove it and wash off the remnants. My girlfriend has a high tolerance for pain and enjoys a little now and again, but the ginger was too much for her. This would be great for those in the BDSM community who enjoy these sensations, but I highly recommend against it for those who are not really into pain. She obviously does not want ginger anywhere near her ass.

If you enjoy the ginger on your penis or clit, I recommend placing the ginger against your anus without actually penetrating it. Place it there for a few minutes and see if you enjoy that as well. If you do enjoy it and don't mind the risk of putting foreign objects in your ass then give it a try, but be extremely careful.

I would actually recommend handling the ginger with your hands and then inserting a finger into yours or your partner's anus. This way you can get at least some of the sting without so much of the risk. Another possibility is to soak the ginger root in lube and to use the lube on a butt plug. I'm not sure if either of these would be as effective as the actual ginger root, but they would be safer.

As with any type of play that involves pain, bondage, and/or domination and submission make sure that you can trust your partner. Do NOT play with someone you don't trust completely. Also make up safewords and discuss what to do in hypothetical situations that may become uncomfortable, dangerous, or scary BEFORE you ever engage in such play. Communication is always important, but even more so when getting into this kind of play.