In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can't live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn't real. Most people don't look like that and most people don't fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you'll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah ... Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don't feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can't seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They've read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can't get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they've been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn't do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn't feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn't shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn't work for you don't despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman's pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn't even had an orgasm - I wasn't orgasming with partners yet. I also didn't know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn't pee- it didn't smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body's way of saying "Ok enough already jeez!"

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I'd orgasm I'd ejaculate. I didn't know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn't peeing, but I didn't really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn't super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then ... I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don't miss is the clean-up. But that wasn't really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people's bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that's fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean you shouldn't be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intelligent debate that doesn't devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

Female Ejaculation or Squirting

I've received a couple emails asking me to talk about female ejaculation or "squirting." One email was from a girl who just experienced it for her first time and was curious to know more.

There is a debate amongst some doctors and other such people as to whether or not female ejaculation is even real. I say that any person or doctor who doesn't think it is real has just never experienced it. It is a very real phenomenon. Any female who has ejaculated or anyone who has had a female partner who has done so knows that it is very real, very fun, and also very messy.

So what is female ejaculate? Where does it come from? Why does it happen? How does it happen? What can you do to make it happen? Does it make for better orgasms?

Female ejaculate is a watery, musky, salty fluid that is expelled from a woman's urethra during sex. This fluid is different from vaginal lubrication and is most noticeable by its lack of slipperyness. It may happen during orgasm, but not necessarily. The amount that comes out can be anywhere from a few teaspoons to a pint or more.

Some people are freaked out by the fact that this fluid is expelled from the urethra and wonder how you can know that this fluid is not urine. Why is it that when a woman ejaculates from her urethra people question it, but when it happens from a man's urethra no one thinks twice? The fluid that comes out doesn't really resemble urine. It's more liquidy than a man's ejaculate sure, but it doesn't smell or look like pee. And more importantly, a woman can often have a full bladder even after she ejaculates. Female ejaculate has been tested and there are trace amounts of urea in it because it goes through the urethra, but it is not pee.

Female ejaculate comes from the spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra. It is created by small glands nearby and stored in the spongy tissue until it is expelled either by ejaculating or the next time the woman goes to the bathroom. Some women may have noticed that their urine smells different right after they have sex. That's often because of the stored up ejaculate that their body is now getting rid of during urination.

Unfortunately, female ejaculation is not something that has been studied well so we don't really know whether all women have the ability to ejaculate or not, but it seems that most women do not do so without any kind of training. And because it is so rare, many women are actually pretty embarrassed when it does happen. But there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Many people actually find it incredibly sexy. Just make sure to bring extra towels to bed when you're having sex.

So what if you've ejaculated a couple times and you want to learn how to do it more often or you've never ejaculated and you're curious to see if you can? There are things one can try alone or with a partner to try to ejaculate. The most important objective is to be very turned on and to warm up for awhile first. The longer the play before orgasm and the more turned on you are, the more likely you are to store up female ejaculate in that spongy area around your urethra. Once you are good and turned on it is usually easiest to ejaculate through g-spot stimulation. This can be done a couple of different ways. If you have a partner helping you out, they can slide two of their fingers inside of your vagina and make a come-hither motion on your g-spot. (Hint: the g-spot feels a little rough to the touch compared to the rest of the smooth vaginal walls and is usually located behind her pubic mound, but not always. Don't just assume its location. It may be necessary to search for it with your fingers.) You can also use g-spot toys alone or with a partner. A toy that is a little firmer may work a little better than one that is soft and flexible. I always preferred The Archer. Any ejaculators out there who can recommend a good toy?

One thing to keep in mind is that you may feel like you have to pee, but that is normal. Most of the time when you are having sex your body won't let you pee easily. Just relax and learn to enjoy the feeling. It helps if you play with a partner you are comfortable with. That way if you do pee its not a big deal.

Somehow it got into lots of people's heads that a woman who ejaculates is cumming harder than a woman who does not. It is not true. Ejaculation doesn't have much to do with how hard a woman cums. There will be some orgasms that are explosive that are completely dry and sometimes a woman will ejaculate without ever cumming. So please don't think that female ejaculation will in anyway enhance your orgasms. It may make your sexplay a little more fun and exciting if it turns you and your partner on, but ejaculation itself isn't the meter for which to measure a woman's orgasm by. Try asking her how good it was and how you can make it better.