Tuesday, November 24, 2009

In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can't live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn't real. Most people don't look like that and most people don't fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you'll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah ... Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don't feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can't seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They've read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can't get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they've been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn't do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn't feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn't shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn't work for you don't despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman's pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn't even had an orgasm - I wasn't orgasming with partners yet. I also didn't know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn't pee- it didn't smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body's way of saying "Ok enough already jeez!"

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I'd orgasm I'd ejaculate. I didn't know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn't peeing, but I didn't really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn't super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then ... I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don't miss is the clean-up. But that wasn't really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people's bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that's fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean you shouldn't be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intelligent debate that doesn't devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**


Killshot said...

It is kind of sad that she feels the need to compete with unrealistic mainstream porn, AND try to make something completely normal sound freakish and disgusting.

The only thing that bugs me about the increase in squirting in mainstream porn is that a lot of it is fake. Just like sometimes the male ejaculate in porn in fake, (Haven't you ever wondered why you only cum half a teaspoon but some men cum a pint? Yeah.. it fake.) Sometimes they just set things up between scenes so they can squirt out a bunch of bottled water on queue.

Mainstream porn is fake, it is all about packaging and selling the most extreme of any fantasy because that is what gets noticed and makes money. She should know that.

Carrie Ann said...

What an excellent post. Thank you!

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

Thanks for your post. I was the one that accidentally started the mayham with the tweet of the article, and like you, the post hit me close to home. I, too, squirted before I knew what female ejaculation was, and it was a horrible and embarrassing thing for me.

No woman should have to feel ashamed of what her body does naturally. Ever.

Epiphora said...

Yes yes yes. I especially like your point about porn (I made a similar comment on the original post, like "what kinda porn are YOU watching, woman?!").

Anonymous said...

God bless the squirters! Yum!

Mr. Toy With Me said...

This is pretty much what I posted in the comment thread with a couple other tidbits thrown in:

I have to say that i watched this whole thing explode with a mixture of bemusement and WTF?

A few things…….

I think that the image that accompanies the post sets the tone as to what the post was supposed to be. A silly post that questioned the appeal of female ejaculation. Some of you obviously read it in a different light. I have to say that I am a bit taken back by some of the comments about it though……Here is a small sampling:

“Shame on you @toywithme”
“I am outraged”
“this article is disgusting and offensive”
“stop judging and shaming women, like men have done for long enough”
“You appear to be disturbingly insecure”
“I am similarly appalled and irritated by this article”
“Your arrogance is unbecoming in a writer”
“There’s enough crime against women in this world already, we don’t need other women perpetrating it against each other.”
“I was outraged”

Now we even have Nadia West making analogies that draws comparisons to the Jews being persecuted by the Nazis?

A bit over the top no?

If she had posted that she thinks it is disgusting to see a women take a facial would you all be similarly appalled and offended if this was something you enjoyed?

Many have posted that this analogy is mute as squirting is a an involuntary physical reaction. I think that the comparison is valid as the context in which the post was written was seeing porn in which the argument could be made the the squirting was certainly an act that was voluntary. The type of porn she was describing involves stimulating the g-spot for the sole purpose of “the money shot.”

I have read the post over and over and I can not find one statement in it that says that she finds women who squirt disgusting. What she does say is that she finds female ejaculate gross. That’s it. She admits that she doesn’t get it. She says she doesn’t understand it. She asks why is it desirable. She had no intent whatsoever to offend anybody.

I really am truly saddened by some of the comments on this post and on twitter. I can tell you that toywithme regrets and is embarrassed by her reaction to some of them and I think that many of you should be as well.


Garnet Joyce said...

Mr. Toy With Me:

One of the reasons I didn't want to participate in the comments section is because I know how they tend to get a bit over the top at times. That is why I waited until the next day when I had a clear head and my own clean slate to write on. And I do believe that I was completely fair in my response. I did not judge KJ as a person or a writer. I judged only her words which I do not agree with.

You say that she never said the women who squirt were gross, but that squirting itself is gross. That, sir, is semantics. She thinks squirting is gross and wrote a post that shamed women who do it because what they do is gross to her. You cannot really separate one from the other in this case.

Lets take your example of facials. Comparing a man ejaculating on a woman's face to a woman ejaculating in general is not a good comparison. So for example, had KJ said she thought that it was gross to have someone ejaculate on her face I think most people would've taken it as a matter of opinion and agreed or disagreed with it. However, had she said that men's ejaculate is gross we might be in the same boat. Although, not quite so much since in our culture men's ejaculate seems to almost never be seen as a shameful thing whereas women's ejaculate and sexuality in general are seen that way. Which is also why there was such an outcry. The female sexbloggers are trying desperately to claim a safe space for female sexuality where they don't feel like they should be ashamed of their desires or orgasms.

You say she has no intent on offending anyone. Well that's great, but the truth is that she did. Most people when they say offensive things don't intend to offend anyone. A coworker of mine made a joke recently about jews being cheap. She didn't intend to offend me, but she did. Just because her intent wasn't to be offensive doesn't mean that it is ok. We need to learn from our mistakes. The optimal thing for KJ to do now is to actually research female ejaculation in order to understand what it is, how it happens, and where it comes from as well as how the ejaculators have felt about it in the past. And then maybe apologize for offending people.

Anonymous said...

I have been, since first reading the Kinky Jew's post, been at a loss as to what the hell people are so up in arms about. I still am.

Why? Because I didn't take her seriously at all. It was an obvious attempt at humor and while I didn't find it particularly funny, I didn't think that because it failed to be funny that somehow it became an expression of fact and true belief by the author.

Even if she does not have a preference for squirting, the post is still hyperbole and attempting to argue against it in a logical and reasonable fashion makes y'all look like fucktards.

It WOULD be sad if she DID feel the need to compete with porn and it WOULD be odd if she actually DID seem to find that every porno she watched had squirting in it... but since this is an attempt at HUMOR none of that is actually intended to be presented as FACT. You choosing to take it as fact does not make it fact, it makes you wrong.

Frankly your reaction and every other blog and Twitter comment railing on this topic... that has been the true comedy.

What angers me, as a member of the sex blogging community, is that when y'all behave like this as a group, it makes it hard for anyone outside the community to take us at all seriously.

And if you don't think that's important, let me remind you that your outrage on this whole topic stems from the fact that you feel women have been shamed by men and/or society for their sexuality. If you wish for people outside the community (the ones who need to get the message) to hear that message then you have to stop railing against the trivial shit and start behaving in a way that lets people take you seriously.

Or don't. Maybe truly changing the attitudes of others isn't your priority. Maybe group verbal attacks on anyone who doesn't share your opinion on any given topic is your real priority.

Which is why I am posting this anonymously. I don't care to be your next victim.

Anonymous said...

Great post about this. Is not something every woman does, but it is still very natural for some of us.

Mr. Toy With Me said...

The Kinky Jew replies.