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Check out everything I've been writing:
Analyzing Sexuality
The Sqweel
The Elusive Female Orgasm
Succu Dry: Once Bitten ...

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Review: Alone For You

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Smart Balls

I'm always telling you to do your Kegel exercises so I figured it was about time that I reviewed a toy that is specifically used for that purpose. Babeland recently sent me the very popular Smart Balls and I gave them a try. Love them!

When I first opened the package I wasn't too psyched about the color they sent me, but I told myself that it didn't matter since I wouldn't be looking at them a whole bunch. Working my way to stronger orgasms is much more important than the color of the equipment I use to do it.

The balls are about 1.5" in diameter and are made out of elastomer with smaller weighted balls that roll and shake around inside. I found them to be a little large to insert when not aroused so you may want to turn yourself on a bit and use plenty of lube before you put them in and go about your business. And apparently many women who use these balls actually do go about their business at work, at home, running errands, etc. I haven't gotten up the guts to wear them outside of the house yet for fear of an extremely embarrassing moment. But maybe sometime I'll wear them out on a date. That could be a lot of fun.

So what you do with these balls is lube them up and pop them in your vagina. You can put either one or both balls in depending on your vagina size, comfort level, and muscle strength. Once they are comfortably in you can squeeze on the balls and even pull on the string in order to get some resistance. You can also practice pushing them out of your vagina.

So what makes Smart Balls better than traditional Kegel exercises without any equipment? I don't know about you, but when I keep flexing the same muscles over and over again I start to forget which muscles I'm flexing after awhile and start to flex the wrong ones. Its kind of like when you say a word over and over and it starts to sound less and less like a word ... kegel kegel kegel kegel .... You get the idea. Smart balls also allow you to step up your workout routine. You can flex your biceps as much as you want, but you're just not going to get big muscles if you don't add any resistance. And lets face it, Smart Balls are just plain fun! They feel good and many women report being in a slight state of arousal the entire time they wear them.

And really, I gotta say that they are great for masturbation. I like working my kegel muscles, but damnit I LOVE working them during masturbation. And these little wonders are no exception. You can't really move them around too much so they're not like a dildo, but if you use your hands or a vibe on your clit while squeezing and releasing on your Smart Balls it feels mighty nice. And what's even better is that when you orgasm, the muscle contractions cause the little weighted balls inside to shake, rattle, and roll into an extra special feeling. Try putting a vibe through the string of the balls as well. The vibration will carry through the toy.

The only thing I didn't like about this toy is that the string is stiff and kept tickling my leg during masturbation. Unlike a regular string, it can't easily be pushed out of the way. However, I wouldn't want a fabric string on this toy as it would harbor bacteria. So you gotta take the good with the bad and I have to learn to not be distracted so easily.

Lets go back to my distaste of the color of my Smart Balls. After using them for the first time, I looked at them again and found them to be beautiful. Beauty isn't just skin deep after all.

Orgasms After Child Birth

Hi, I'm 19 years old and just had my beautiful baby girl with my fiancee. My problem is that I have not been able to orgasm since I was about 3 months pregnant. Before I got pregnant the only way I could climax was when I was on top, and since recently getting the ok from my doctor to have sex again, absolutely nothing has worked. I've tried masturbation and clitoral stimulation, but neither works for me. I do not have postpartum depression, I'm not happy about my 30 lbs weight gain, but I am by no means depressed. Do you have any suggestions to help me?

First of all, let me apologize for not getting back to you sooner on this. I hope you aren't having this issue any more and that this will just be advice for those who are looking for answers now and in the future. But if you are still struggling with achieving orgasm now, maybe I can give you a few ideas.

I'm going to assume that you gave birth vaginally.

Pregnancy and childbirth can really screw with your system! It can take awhile for things to get back to normal down there and what is normal might actually end up changing for you.

Some possible changes that might be inhibiting your orgasms include hormones, change in vaginal muscles (weakening/stretching/tearing/etc.), change in level of libido, change in self-esteem especially related to weight gain, and just a general change in how things are working down there right now.

One of the most important things you can do for yourself after giving birth is to give yourself time. I'm glad you waited for the OK from your doctor as some couples don't and can actually do damage. But you also need to give yourself time to get back into the swing of things. Like I said before, pregnancy and child birth can really change a lot of things and sometimes that means relearning your body and how you receive pleasure and reach orgasm.

But don't think of it as a chore. I know it can be extremely frustrating to not reach orgasm in the ways you've always done, but try to think of it as a fun experiment to see what feels good now. If you can, try to not make orgasm your goal. Just enjoy your intimate moments together and try to find what feels just plain great. Eventually, you'll be able to figure out what brings you to orgasm now. Maybe even hold off on intercourse and just relearn how to use your hands and mouths on each others bodies. When you do get back to having vaginal intercourse, try new positions. Maybe even pick up a copy of a positions book. I like the Position of the Day Playbook because it doesn't take itself too seriously and because it has places where you can make notes on each position. This way you can remember what you liked and didn't like and what little changes you made to make it better. Spend time relearning your body on your own as well.

One big tip I can give you is to do Kegel exercises so you can get the muscles that actually contract during orgasm back into shape. Doing your Kegels while masturbating can often be lots of fun!

Another tip that may be helpful is to try to spend more time on setting the mood and focusing on foreplay. I know this can be extremely difficult when you have a baby, but it can go a long way in helping you to feel more sexy instead of fat and frazzled. For tips on keeping your sex life alive after having kids check out the book Sexy Mamas.

And remember, your body is going to change throughout your life which means that the ways you get off are going to change too. Try not to get frustrated with it and instead embrace the variety of life and the pleasure (not just orgasms) you derive from sex.

Masturbation Haiku Contest

Over at my favorite sex shop (Early to Bed) they're having a contest to win fun sexy things! All you have to do is write a haiku about masturbation. You can enter up to 5 haikus and the top 3 get prizes. They can be sexy, silly, fun, meaningful, sentimental, whatever you want! So head over to the Early to Bed Blog and enter for your chance to a win masturbation book, lube, a t-shirt, and/or a gift certificate.

And I get to help with the judging! So send in some good ones!

Web Cam Sex

I'm looking for advice on posing on a web cam for a significant other.

Just like any sexual activity that involves one or more people, communication is going to be your best bet. Ask what your significant other wants to see. You may be surprised by the answers! That gut you've always despised may be one of your sexiest features according to your partner. And while you may think they want a closeup of your genitals, it may turn out that they rather watch your face while you orgasm.

I actually used to do some work as a cam girl so I have a little bit of experience in this field. A lot is going to really depend on how fast both you and your S.O.'s internet connections are. Obviously, the faster your internet the smoother the show will go.

If your connections are slow then it is going to be more like posing for a camera rather than acting in a film. If you have a slow connection you will have more time to set up for shots and that can be a lot of fun. However, in the end it may just end up being frustrating as you'd like to get on with the action instead of just posing. In that case you may want to take turns where one poses while the other masturbates. If your connections are faster and you can see most movements without any real blur then you can have all kinds of fun.

Probably the most important guideline is to make sure you have a window up that allows you to see yourself on cam. Try to have it mirrored as well, so that you can more easily move while looking at yourself on cam. This will allow you to see what your partner sees instead of just hoping that you're showing them what you think you're showing them.

Think of it like you're going on a date, but also like you're putting on a show. Make sure you're clean and dressed nicely (or kinkily depending on what you're going for). Presentation is important. You might even want to dress up for the occasion. You can do a lot more with a dress shirt and tie than you can with just a t-shirt. Wear nice underwear. No one likes to see a strip tease that results in stained or holey underpants.

Put on some music. It will help set the mood for you and help you to move in a more relaxed manner. But make sure you put on a sexy playlist instead of having your mp3s on shuffle. Nothing can ruin a sexy moment more than a Sesame Street song playing in the middle of a masturbation session (C is for Cookie has a whole new meaning for me).

Try to romance the webcam. Don't just rip your clothes off and rub one out. Take your time. Do a striptease first. Use props. Select what your partner sees and doesn't see. Caress yourself. Make them want more. Especially if this is a long distance relationship this can be important. You don't want your sex life to be 'wam bam thank you ma'am' whether you're in person or on cam.

Remember to tell your partner when you think something they do is hot. Encouragement can make the whole thing a lot hotter. Tell them how much watching them gets you hot. Ask for the same kind of encouragement if you want more than they are giving.

But mostly, have fun with it. Don't take yourself or the show too seriously. Silly things are going to happen that you wouldn't expect and that's OK. Just laugh it off.

AWOL

I'm sorry I've been AWOL lately. I love writing this blog, but I've just been too busy. What with working 6 days a week AND planning a wedding its just been too hard. And this isn't going to change until after the wedding most likely. So don't expect to hear too much from me until after the big day (March 21st!). But if you're hard up to read up on sex let me give you some great book recommendations to keep you busy until I have a little more time.

- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.

- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn't? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms

- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don't be a cheater! If you don't dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.

- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.

- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.

- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.

- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.

- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I've ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a 'no.' And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.

Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?

Aneros Helix

I found a great new male reviewer for AskGarnet.com and I'm sooo happy about it! His name is Clix and he is very open minded sexually, a great writer, and takes fantastic pictures of cute naked girls. So he will be reviewing all those items which I cannot. His first task was the Aneros Helix and he was very up to the challenge! Read on to find out what he thought.

To the average American male, the idea of, to be crass, shoving something up your ass for sexual pleasure is pretty much out of the question. Much to the benefit of my range of erotic expression and capacity for pleasure, I am not the average American male.

When the opportunity to write a review of the Aneros Helix came up, I couldn't have been more excited. I have for, as long as I can remember, been a proponent of anal/prostate stimulation, and I had heard nothing but amazing things about the toy. Without a bit of exaggeration, I can say the moment the package arrived, I tore it open, grabbed my trusty bottle of Eros, and got to work.

The shape of the Helix is rather striking, and at a glance you can tell it means business. The plastic construction is smooth enough, and has a refined finish with none of the icky seams that plague some of the cheaper varieties of toys on the market. Despite being pretty familiar with the operation of most sex toys, I read the instructions on the box. The basic gist of the guide was, “relax, lubricate, insert, relax more, work muscles while relaxing.” Ok... so... I got it... relax... So I followed the instructions, mostly. I went to my whacking sanctuary, lubricated it, and slid it into place, making sure the perineum stimulator nudged up nicely, and started flexing my PC muscles.

According to many forums, and much of the literature I'd read, the Aneros line of toys is supposed to allow for the elusive hands free orgasm for males. I experimented for about a half-hour with flexing at different frequencies and strengths, and then relinquishing control to natural reflexes. Given enough patience, I was sure that I could achieve it, but eagerness was the word of the moment so I quickly let my hands in on the action. Normally a good whack will take me 20-30 minutes to finish. Not this time. About 5 minutes (judging by the fact that a single track on my EDM playlist had gone by) passed, and I was already feeling the tell-tale twitches. Not since first discovering auto-eroticism do I remember climaxing so fast or with such force, and I'm not sure I've ever ejaculated with the volume I achieved. Even before I came, I noticed I was dribbling pre-cum like a broken faucet loses water, but even that was nothing compared to the torrents I blasted.

Over the next week of testing, I was delighted to find that my new tool, unlike regular masturbation, did not become less fun or impressive with each usage, but rather, the more I learned to control it, the more useful and powerful it became. Sadly, I never found the hands free orgasm, but I was able to get myself almost to the point of no return several times and it would take less than 5 minutes with added penile stimulation to achieve.

As far as INTRApersonal activities go, the Helix proved it was more than formidable, but it also managed to shine when used with a partner. Overcoming initial apprehension with a partner who may be less open minded than a person willing to try the helix may take some effort, but is well worth it. Having the additional sensory input driving you will definitely have an impact on your performance. Aneros now has two official fans in this household.

All told the helix has nothing but good points to remark on. The size is enough to feel filling, but not large enough to be intimidating to anal amateurs. The only prohibitive factor I can possibly see in the helix is the retail price which hovers around $75. Some may see this as a bit of a high price for a toy that doesn't vibrate, light up, or cook you breakfast. It is, with complete certainty I assure you, worth every dollar. Pick one up as soon as possible, your pent up sexual energy that previously had no way to be realized will thank you.

Kegel Toys

So, I have heard time and again how important Kegels are for vaginal health. But I feel like there isn't much information out there about which sex toys help with Kegels, especially when it comes to pregnancy. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and am not high risk, so as far as I know there is no reason to avoid sex toys. While I know that you can strengthen Kegels without toys I would love to know what is on the market in various price ranges. Ideally a something that has more than just the propose of Kegels would be great. Do you have any ideas?

Yes, Kegels are super important! They are one of the best exercises anyone can do no matter what sexual equipment you were born with or have elected to have. For those of you who don't know what Kegel exercises are or how to do them, they are a way to tone your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). The PC muscle forms the pelvic floor and when strong can help prevent incontinence, make orgasms stronger, and can help men to delay ejaculation if they desire. The way to flex this muscle is by squeezing the way you would if you were trying to make yourself stop peeing midstream. In order to figure out how to do it you can stop yourself from peeing a few times, but I don't recommend doing this regularly. The great thing about exercising your PC muscles is that you can do it anytime anywhere and no one will even know. You can do it at the grocery store, while talking to your boss, while pumping gas, while cleaning, etc. The possibilities are endless.

And you're right, doing them during pregnancy is a great idea. Having strong PC muscles will help you to give birth more easily by making it easier to push and lessening your chances of tearing during labor. You should also do kegels after you give birth as this will help get everything back into shape faster.

While exercise equipment is not necessary to do kegels, it can make it more fun. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot of price range out there as you will need sex toys that are heavy and heavy materials tend to cost more money.

The cheapest option at about $28 would probably be Smart Balls. You insert one or both balls, leaving the string outside of your body like a tampon and you squeeze the balls with your PC muscles. For resistance you can pull on the string. While these can be fun, there is nothing orgasmic about them. Some people find them to be pleasurable, but there are other options out there that are more likely to get more of a rise out of you.

The other options I would suggest would be heavy dildos, often made out of stainless steel. These you can use during masturbation by inserting the dildo into your vagina and rhythmically squeezing your muscles around it towards orgasm. I highly recommend using a vibrator on your clit in conjunction with the weighted dildo. Here are some options of dildos that you can try, their weights, and their prices:
- Natural Contours Energie 1 lb $50
- Betty Dodson's Vaginal Barbell just under 1 lb $76
- The Kegelcisor just under 1 lb $84
- njoy's Fun Wand 12oz $88
- njoy's Pure Wand 1.5 lbs currently on sale for $91.80
- or if you're really hardcore there is njoy's eleven weighing in at 2.75 lbs and costing $300

These toys are all made of high quality materials so consider it to be an investment that will last a really long time. And while you can easily warm these stainless steel toys with warm water before hand, Betty Dodson (one of my heroes and the queen of masturbation and female orgasms) suggests starting with the dildo cold so that your muscles will automatically start to clamp around it. Also, be sure to use lube when using these or any dildos. All of these toys, with the exception of the Smart Balls, can be used with either water or silicone based lubes.

Ella by Lelo

Lelo is a sex toy company that everyone should know about. They make high end sex toys that are just plain fantastic. They have mostly made and sold vibrators that are made of high quality materials, are rechargeable, and come with an unheard of one year warranty. Many of their toys are highly innovative, like the Mia which charges via a USB port. Not only all that, but they're also a Swedish company and if you know me, you know I have a longing for Sweden in my heart and quite possibly my loins. But what bleeding heart liberal doesn't dream of living in Stockholm?

Anyhoo ... When I found out I might have a chance to test out a Lelo of my very own I became downright giddy. At this point I think I can be called a collector of sex toys. I own LOTS. And now it is about filling in the parts that I do not yet have. This includes types, materials, and brands. I need to have sex toys from all the top sex toy companies: Fun Factory (check), Tantus (check), Vixen Creations (check many times over), Vibratex (check), Lelo (new check), nJoy (sadly no check), Jimmy Jane (sadly no check).

Now I could've gone the traditional route and gone with a Lelo vibe. They have a lot to offer, but I am a Hitachi loyalist so while I do still get new vibes, I wanted my Lelo experience to be as exciting for me as possible. Luckily for me, Lelo recently released their first dildo, Ella. Until a couple years ago I actually only owned one dildo and I can't believe it took me so long to become a dildo enthusiast.

Ella is number 13 in my collection and she gave me even more reason for enthusiasm. I didn't think it was possible, but Ella has actually topped the list. She is my new favorite dildo. Ella is practically perfect.

Lelo calls Ella "a dedicated pleasure object" and I would have to agree. If you love g-spot stimulation like I do, you'll love Ella. While most g-spot toys simply bend in one direction so that you get a bit of g-spot stimulation as that one small spot goes back and forth over the sensitive area, the Ella has a whole flat surface that curves upwards so that that same spot is stimulated almost constantly. The result is pure heaven and quite possibly some ejaculation as well.

But maybe you're not ready for some g-spot stimulation yet and you want to warm up with the old in and out first. Ella has that covered as well! You can use either side of her so you can use one side for times when you want dedicated g-spot stimulation and the other side for when you want penetration without so much dedication to just one spot. The one downside to a double sided dildo like this is that it is not harness compatible. Like I said before, "practically perfect." But she is absolutely great for masturbation and partner play.

Now while Ella is perfect for me, I have to remind you that all women are made differently. Size queens will most likely not like this dildo. It is particularly small. Even I found it to be a bit lacking at times when wanting to flex my PC muscles around something when on the g-spot side.

Now down to the nitty gritty:
Ella is made of silicone which means she is non-porous and body safe. Normally I would recommend boiling your silcone dildos, but the instructions that came with Ella warned against exposing her to extreme temperatures. And well, I'm not exactly open to the possibility of ruining my new favorite dildo just so I can tell you whether or not she is safe to boil. So just use soap and water.

Ella is great for vaginal play, but I would not recommend her for anal play as she does not come equipped with a flared base.

Lelo offers a one year warranty on all of its toys and while that is fantastic on vibrators that have mechanical parts, it isn't such a great deal on silicone dildos. Silicone is a material that should last a lifetime and companies like Vixen Creations actually give you a lifetime warranty. The one year warranty just doesn't do a silicone dildo justice. Oh well. Hopefully it will never become an issue.

But even if it does become an issue, Ella is actually the cheapest Lelo product currently on the market at $44. What a steal! For a company that makes luxury vibes that range in price from $64 to $1500, I was actually really surprised that their first dildo was so cheap.

In other news, I bought a new computer recently so updates should happen more regularly now. Thanks for your patience.

Hitachi Attachments

I have a question for you. Well, a few questions actually. Let me start with something simple.

I am in the Army Reserve and currently deployed to Iraq. Not long ago I got my wife a Hitachi Magic Wand. She doesn't want to use the head it came with to cum with. She says that's meant just for "normal" massages, like on your shoulders.

So, does the Hitachi Magic Wand require a special or separate head piece to use between the legs? Can the default head be cleaned? Could it be covered with something and still used as a sex toy?

The Magic Wand is like the best sex toy ever! So good job on buying your wife a great product. The Hitachi definitely does not require any different head pieces or attachments for it to work its magic. Because it is only used for external stimulation there isn't so much worry about the difficulty of cleaning the head because there shouldn't be too much danger of infection. To clean it you can use a soapy washcloth or an old toothbrush. Toy cleaner sprays or wipes can be pretty convenient for this toy since you really don't want to run it under water directly. However, there are attachments out there that are easier to clean. And as any hitachi lover knows, the only thing better than a hitachi is a hitachi with attachments.

If she only wants clitoral stimulation from her hitachi I would suggest getting an Off With Your Head which replaces the current head with a silicone one. Silicone is a great material that is non-porous and super easy to clean unlike the original hitachi head.

If she is interested in internal stimulation as well then I would suggest getting either a Gee Whiz or a Gee Whizzard. Both of them are silicone and fit over the original hitachi head and they both provide g-spot stimulation. The Gee Whizzard is just a bit fancier (extra bumps) and a bit longer than the Gee Whiz. Depending on how far in she goes with it, she should be able to get clitoral stimulation as well. Also of note is that both of these attachments can also work with the Ideal, which is like a rechargeable cordless version of the hitachi for when you'll be nowhere near an outlet. I've met camping lovers desperate to find a replacement for their hitachi when they're out in the wilderness and they are ecstatic when I tell them about the Ideal.

And please, keep those questions coming!

Zivity.com

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I was busy celebrating mine and my fiance's birthdays which just happen to be only two days apart. This makes for a birthday extravaganza. Also, you guys haven't been sending me any questions which makes me sad. As much as I enjoy ranting I don't think that's all that you want to read about. So send me questions! I know that every single one of you has to have at least one question about sex, sexuality, and/or gender. Maybe you even think you know a lot about certain topics, but I may be able to add to that knowledge. So send me questions!

Anyhoo, on with my rant. There is this new adult website, Zivity, that is making the claim that their goal is to capture and share the beauty of women. They specifically say: "We want our photo galleries to be as diverse as possible. As such, we encourage women of all sizes, races, ages, styles to participate. We want women who are proud of how they look and recognize that beauty comes in many different forms." Definitely a very lofty goal and one that I totally agree with and support. However, upon looking at this site I find that the models are not really that diverse. Most of the women are very thin, young, and white. There is a sprinkling of women of color and a few women who I would call curvy and thick, but wouldn't even go as far as calling them chubby. There doesn't seem to be much of an age difference in any of the models I saw. They range from 19 to maybe early 30s. I would hardly call this selection diverse. Now it is a relatively new site so I am hoping that the photo sets will continue to become more diverse.

But then there's this whole other part of the site that I pretty strongly disagree with. Somewhere along the line people got the idea that only certain types of pictures of women can be empowering and can celebrate the beauty that is woman. And these pictures can never be explicit. This is not something I understand. If we are all being sex positive and enjoying the beauty that is woman, why oh why are explicit pictures deemed demeaning and exploitative? Is it somehow better if a woman keeps her legs closed and doesn't reveal her sexual desires? Is it somehow better if we claim it as art and not pornography because she is not having an orgasm, but is just posing prettily for our viewing pleasure? Now if the woman doesn't want to do these things for the camera that is totally up to her, but what about the women who feel that an expression of their beauty and their sexuality includes masturbating with a big dildo and ejaculating all over the place? Well Zivity won't allow for that. In fact their content guidelines specifically say "Because Zivity is focused on celebrating the beauty of women, photo sets on Zivity do not depict men, sex acts (including masturbation), death themes, gore, pets or other animals, child themes, or real or implied bodily fluids (blood, fake blood, etc)." If you want it to be more of a cheesecake site then say that. Burlesque is plenty empowering, extremely sexy, and completely cheesecake and I've never heard anyone say burlesque celebrates the beauty of women and that is why they don't have sex on stage. By saying that sex acts don't celebrate the beauty of women is to make the implication that sex somehow makes a woman not beautiful. And I for one think that a woman masturbating is one of the most beautiful things on this earth!

All that said, the women are beautiful and I think I have a bit of a crush on Sash (pictured above). For more pictures of the site and another take on it (that I agree with) check out Fleshbot's take on Zivity.com. Or you could just apply for a one month free membership like I did and check it out for yourself.

Unable to Orgasm with a Partner

I am a 19 year old female and I want to know: Why can I get myself off, but find myself unable to orgasm when with a partner? No matter how good, or how long, or whatever else have you... they just can't seem to get me off. How frustrating!

19 is young and a lot of women haven't even had their first orgasm by themselves by that age. It takes a lot of women longer to figure out their bodies than it does men because in this society we are taught that good girls don't have sexual feelings and don't touch themselves. And also because men's genitals are all out there and they touch them several times a day just to pee. So yay you for being able to orgasm from masturbation!

But now that you've figured out what makes you orgasm (i.e. what kinds of touches, sensations, and fantasies) its time to take that with you into the bedroom. You can't give all of the responsibility of your orgasm to your partner. That's too much pressure. Everyone is different and your partner may have made their previous lover scream with multiple orgasms, but they don't know how to please you until you tell them. They can play a guessing game or you can tell/show them exactly how to get you off and it will be a lot more fun for both of you. A lot of people seem to think that we should just know how to please each other, but in my opinion that's a recipe for boring, unsatisfying sex.

If you have a difficult time putting into words how you like to be touched then you can always show your partner. Watching the object of your desire masturbate isn't just educational, it's also a huge turn on.

There are also many women who expect to be able to orgasm during vaginal penetration without any sort of other stimulation. This is just not possible for a lot of women. And believe me there are not too many people out there who would have a problem with their partner reaching down and playing with their clit during sex or even bringing a vibrator into the mix. If your partner is intimidated at all by this then tell them that you love the way the penetration feels, but there are very few women who can orgasm without clitoral stimulation and you are one of them. Offer the option to let them play with your clit during penetration as well. If they are interested in getting you off they won't turn it down.

But maybe there is something else standing in your way? I know that when I was younger, and I've heard many similar stories from women, I was actually a bit afraid of orgasming in front of someone else. Having an orgasm in front of someone else can be very vulnerable because you basically lose control of your body at that peak of excitement. What will your face look like? Will you be too loud? Too quiet? Will you fart? Will you queef? Will your body writhe about strangely?

Most likely your face will contort in crazy ways and you will make strange sounds, but when in the midst of an orgasm those things will be extremely sexy to your partner. Orgasms aren't the clean polished things you may see in a lot of mainstream porn. They are sweaty weird wonderfully sexy things. Check out Beautiful Agony for real people having real orgasms. They have a great free preview filled with lots of people cumming.

And then there's the possibility of farting or queefing when you orgasm. Those things happen to everyone and the best way to deal with them is to either ignore them or to laugh them off. There's no need to get embarrassed.

So if the issue is fear then hopefully realizing that orgasms are incredibly sexy things will help. Having a partner you feel comfortable with and trust can help a lot too.

Relax, get comfortable, and keep trying. I'm sure you'll figure it out. And until then if you feel the need to orgasm during a hot sex session you can always masturbate.

The Key to Better Sex

People always seem to be searching for the one tried and true method to make their sex lives the fantastic fireworks inducing scenes that they see in the movies and read about in romance novels. This subject sells countless books and magazines. There's always some new spot that is supposed to give us more pleasure than anything ever discovered before. There's the clit, the g-spot, the p-spot, the X-spot. What these things really do is make people feel inadequate when it doesn't set off fireworks for them or god forbid they can't even find the spot.

So what is the key to better sex? What is the one tried and true method? Well you may hate me for saying it, but its masturbation. Exploring, learning, and understanding your body is the key to fantastic sex. And once you can understand your body and what it is that really gets you off, then you have to also communicate that to your partner and realize that you are responsible for your own pleasure. If you don't believe me, here is a post written by a very famous sex blogger on exactly this topic.

Sex by Girl with a one-track mind

Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

This is a rather interesting one because I actually got emails from two people asking the same question who are in a relationship together. They did not originally know that they had both written to me, but came to realize this later.

Partner #1:
Dear Garnet,

I'm a 23 year old woman who has never, ever been able to achieve orgasm, whether it be through intercourse, masturbation or cunnilingus. I pretty much can't feel anything in my vulva region (but I'm certain it's not a technique issue). The closest I can get is a slight, pleasurable sensation when I masturbate, and even then, my clitoris completely loses sensation after a few seconds... and on top of that, if I'm too aroused, I feel absolutely nothing. This is very frustrating for me and my partner, and it ultimately makes both of us feel inadequate. I had repeated, severe UTIs as a young child, could this have somehow damaged my ability to orgasm?

Partner #2:
My girlfriend seems to have very little clitoral and vaginal sensitivity. Using my fingers and enough pressure, I can stimulate her clitoris, but it's an all or nothing approach. Too little pressure and she has no pleasurable reaction; it's just a sensation and nothing else. Any other pressure creates too much stimulation, and she often times has to ask me to stop. She also gets very little stimulation from oral sex. She's also never had an orgasm before.

This sensitivity (or lack of) carries into genital sex. We've had very little success finding a position and rhythm to create consistent pleasurable feelings for her. We haven't moved into using anything other than our own bodies, and usually spend a good hour on foreplay.

I was wondering if you had any advice for us?

First of all, I love that you are both working together on this and communicating. That is really really important. I'm sure it is very frustrating for the both of you, but even more frustrating if you weren't talking about it and being honest with each other.

The first thing that I recommend sex-wise is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep experimenting with different kinds of touch and keep communicating about what seems to work and what doesn't. Keep an open mind and try all kinds of different things including sex toys, fantasies, talking dirty, having sex in different rooms of the house even. Just be really open to anything that might strike your fancy and don't focus on trying to achieve orgasm. Just figure out what feels good for the both of you. And above all, Partner #2: don't ask Partner #1 if she orgasmed. That will put pressure on her. You can ask her what felt good and if there's anything she'd like you to do differently the next time, but try not to put the focus on orgasm as being the goal here. Mutual enjoyment and pleasure is the goal.

The second thing I want to recommend is for Partner #1 to really spend a lot more time masturbating, but don't think of it as homework or even something you have to do. Think of it as a fun past time. I don't want you to try to orgasm either. Just spend time touching yourself. And when I say touch yourself, I don't just mean your genitals. Touch all over your body, learn your body. Try different types of touches: rough, soft, tickly. Try different ways of touching yourself whether its with your hands, vibrators, or scooching yourself under your bathtub faucet. Try different fantasies, watching porn, or reading erotica. Have fun and remember that a lot of women have a hard time finding what works for them, but that almost all of them do actually find what works. The orgasmless woman is pretty much a myth. It just takes some women longer than others. The hardest part really is just trying to stay positive and its not always going to be easy. But if you can try to switch your goal from orgasm to just figuring out what feels good then you'll have a lot more fun in the process.

I also highly recommend the book I Love Female Orgasm. It is filled with all kinds of helpful information including a chapter specifically for women who are pre-orgasmic.

And, Partner #1, if you really are worried about the possibility of your severe UTIs as a child effecting your sex life now, talk to your doctor. Get copies of your old medical records even. I doubt that it would've had any real effect, but your doctor will know more than I do about that kind of thing.

**7/8/08 EDIT: I was just informed by one of the people who wrote that actually they didn't know each other. It was just a really big coincidence that they wrote me about the same problem within two days of each other.**

Cramping from Masturbation

I've noticed that occasionally after I masturbate I experience dull pain in my abdomen very similar to menstrual cramps. They don't last very long and they aren't as intense as the cramps I usually get during my period (ie no pills are required), and it doesn't happen every time. I was wondering if you might have any idea what's causing this. Could it have anything to do with the way I generally go about pleasuring myself, which consists of clitoris stimulation with a soft object (like a pillow) while lying on my stomach?

When you orgasm your vagina and uterus go through muscular contractions. This is pretty similar to how the uterus contracts to start the menstrual flow. Because these contractions are similar they can both cause the same cramping pain even though the result of the contractions is something entirely different. This is also why some women can give themselves cramps from masturbating on their periods and why some women can actually decrease their cramps from masturbating on their periods. It all really depends on how your body reacts.

Monitor when your cramps are happening. It may be based on your cycle, or it may not be, but I really doubt it has anything to do with how you're masturbating. If you find that the cramping is based on your cycle you may be able to figure out which days you can masturbate without getting cramps and which days you can't. But as long as the cramps aren't really painful I wouldn't worry about it too much. If the orgasm is worth some slight pain from cramping afterwards then keep doing what you're doing.

We Waited Until Marriage

My husband and I waited until we were married (this past June) to have sex (we didn't do anything more than kiss). We've had a really difficult time figuring out how to make things work, partly because we're both new to this, and partly because it still really hurts at the beginning for me. Also, we can only figure out where to put his penis to get it inside me about half the time, which can be frustrating. I've been to my doctor and she said that there weren't any physical problems, but because of the pain, I find it really hard to be interested, which my husband understands but also finds frustrating. Any suggestions?

My biggest suggestion is to stop having intercourse for awhile. I'm thinking you should completely take it off the table for a month or two. You two need to learn what feels good without the pressure of intercourse. This will take a lot of trust and communication between the two of you and can help with not only building a happy healthy sex life, but also a happy healthy marriage. I want you to strictly stick to kissing, petting, and oral sex. Since all you did before marriage was kiss I'm going to assume that neither of you has any real experience with playing either. Try touching, caressing, kissing, licking, and nibbling all over each other's bodies and give each other feedback on what feels great, just ok, or bad. Experiment with each other and have fun. Don't make it a serious event. Make sure that you can both laugh and enjoy each other. Remember that the goal of this is not orgasm, but to learn how to touch each other and learn what feels good.

Once you feel ready, I suggest having your husband penetrate your vagina with one or two fingers so that you can both learn what feels good for you. What type of pressure you like, what type of speed, what type of angle works for you. Fingers have more dexterity, which will make it a lot easier to experiment than penetration with his penis. Before starting this process though you should both be as relaxed and turned on as possible.

I have a feeling that one of the reasons you may be experiencing pain during intercourse is that you are afraid it will hurt and therefore tense your vaginal muscles which makes it hurt more. Another possibility is that you have not been producing the lubrication needed in order to make things go more smoothly. This could be caused by a number or issues, but the more aroused you are, the more likely you are to become well lubricated. You can also try using a water based or silicone based lubricant if you find that you are drying out from friction or just not becoming wet enough for pleasurable sexual activity. A lot of sex toy shops carry lube samplers which will give you little 1 oz samples of several different types of lube. Try several out and find your favorite.

Another suggestion: masturbation. If you don’t already, both of you should start masturbating in order to figure out how you like to be touched. Once you get the hang of it and if you feel comfortable, try masturbating in front of each other to show each other how you like being touched. It will be educational and really sexy.

Since you both are pretty new to the sex thing in general I'm going to recommend a very general and all encompassing book: The Guide to Getting in On by Paul Joannides. It will help you learn about your own and each other's bodies as well as give you ideas to experiment with. In my opinion, and in the opinions of many others, it is the best sex education book ever written.

Female Ejaculation or Squirting

I've received a couple emails asking me to talk about female ejaculation or "squirting." One email was from a girl who just experienced it for her first time and was curious to know more.

There is a debate amongst some doctors and other such people as to whether or not female ejaculation is even real. I say that any person or doctor who doesn't think it is real has just never experienced it. It is a very real phenomenon. Any female who has ejaculated or anyone who has had a female partner who has done so knows that it is very real, very fun, and also very messy.

So what is female ejaculate? Where does it come from? Why does it happen? How does it happen? What can you do to make it happen? Does it make for better orgasms?

Female ejaculate is a watery, musky, salty fluid that is expelled from a woman's urethra during sex. This fluid is different from vaginal lubrication and is most noticeable by its lack of slipperyness. It may happen during orgasm, but not necessarily. The amount that comes out can be anywhere from a few teaspoons to a pint or more.

Some people are freaked out by the fact that this fluid is expelled from the urethra and wonder how you can know that this fluid is not urine. Why is it that when a woman ejaculates from her urethra people question it, but when it happens from a man's urethra no one thinks twice? The fluid that comes out doesn't really resemble urine. It's more liquidy than a man's ejaculate sure, but it doesn't smell or look like pee. And more importantly, a woman can often have a full bladder even after she ejaculates. Female ejaculate has been tested and there are trace amounts of urea in it because it goes through the urethra, but it is not pee.

Female ejaculate comes from the spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra. It is created by small glands nearby and stored in the spongy tissue until it is expelled either by ejaculating or the next time the woman goes to the bathroom. Some women may have noticed that their urine smells different right after they have sex. That's often because of the stored up ejaculate that their body is now getting rid of during urination.

Unfortunately, female ejaculation is not something that has been studied well so we don't really know whether all women have the ability to ejaculate or not, but it seems that most women do not do so without any kind of training. And because it is so rare, many women are actually pretty embarrassed when it does happen. But there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Many people actually find it incredibly sexy. Just make sure to bring extra towels to bed when you're having sex.

So what if you've ejaculated a couple times and you want to learn how to do it more often or you've never ejaculated and you're curious to see if you can? There are things one can try alone or with a partner to try to ejaculate. The most important objective is to be very turned on and to warm up for awhile first. The longer the play before orgasm and the more turned on you are, the more likely you are to store up female ejaculate in that spongy area around your urethra. Once you are good and turned on it is usually easiest to ejaculate through g-spot stimulation. This can be done a couple of different ways. If you have a partner helping you out, they can slide two of their fingers inside of your vagina and make a come-hither motion on your g-spot. (Hint: the g-spot feels a little rough to the touch compared to the rest of the smooth vaginal walls and is usually located behind her pubic mound, but not always. Don't just assume its location. It may be necessary to search for it with your fingers.) You can also use g-spot toys alone or with a partner. A toy that is a little firmer may work a little better than one that is soft and flexible. I always preferred The Archer. Any ejaculators out there who can recommend a good toy?

One thing to keep in mind is that you may feel like you have to pee, but that is normal. Most of the time when you are having sex your body won't let you pee easily. Just relax and learn to enjoy the feeling. It helps if you play with a partner you are comfortable with. That way if you do pee its not a big deal.

Somehow it got into lots of people's heads that a woman who ejaculates is cumming harder than a woman who does not. It is not true. Ejaculation doesn't have much to do with how hard a woman cums. There will be some orgasms that are explosive that are completely dry and sometimes a woman will ejaculate without ever cumming. So please don't think that female ejaculation will in anyway enhance your orgasms. It may make your sexplay a little more fun and exciting if it turns you and your partner on, but ejaculation itself isn't the meter for which to measure a woman's orgasm by. Try asking her how good it was and how you can make it better.

Masturbating Too Much?

I masturbate an average of 3 or 4 times a day. I've always preferred masturbation to sex because I have MUCH MUCH better orgasms than I do with sexual intercourse. But, I've recently met someone, and it looks like things are going to become sexual. This makes me happy to have met someone, but at the same time, this also makes me worry about my constant masturbation habits. In fact, sometimes I'm pretty sure it's an addiction.

I'm worried that my body has gotten used to masturbation as opposed to sex, which makes me worry about my sexual performance. The last couple of girls Ive slept with didn't really do it for me. I even had a hard time keeping it up. I would have much rather just gotten off by myself. The problem, is that I really like this girl, and I want to please her. This makes me think I should quit masturbating. But I've been trying to at least cut back lately, and honestly, don't think I can.

So, with this in mind, I have two questions.

Should I worry about this? Is a love of having several orgasms a day really an addiction? And if so, is it really that bad of an addiction? It's not like I'm doing drugs or drinking.

And, what would you suggest doing about my lack of sexual performance with sexual intercourse? Is there a way to increase sensitivity? Or maybe something to keep it hard longer? I don't want to use prescription pills. I mean, my god I'm only in my mid twenties! And I feel silly using a cock ring.

An addiction by definition is bad especially if it affects your life and people you care about. The way you're talking you definitely feel that it affects those you care about so it is a problem. It may also be a problem if you spend a lot of time on your addiction. Masturbating 3 or 4 times a day when you have the time is great, but if you're short on time and other more important things start to take a back seat to your masturbation addiction then you definitely have a problem. Comparing it to addictions that you feel are worse doesn't mean that it isn't something you should deal with and conquer.

Cutting down is definitely a good option. Another option is to vary your masturbation style. When we get used to only one type of stimulation to bring us to orgasm then that will be the only type that will be able to bring us to orgasm. Trying different things that may not bring you to orgasm the first few times will be frustrating, but ultimately more rewarding. The goal is to be able to make your body more receptive to different types of touches and feelings. Try using lube, twisting your hand a different way, being in a different position when you masturbate (i.e. if you usually stand up, try sitting), try a masturbation sleeve, try a different amount of pressure, experiment with your breathing, etc. There are a lot of fun ways to experiment with masturbation.

You also may be the type of man who just doesn't orgasm through intercourse. You would not be alone on this. Unfortunately, in our society both men and women are made to feel inadequate if they don't receive mind blowing ecstasy when they have penile/vaginal intercourse. Try oral sex and mutual masturbation. You may find this to be more fulfilling. Show your new partner how you like to be touched so that she can please you. Don't just expect her to know and be patient with her. Even if you don't get off the first time doesn't mean it won't happen. Be sensitive to her feelings though since some women may take it personally when you are unable to orgasm.

And finally, if you want to please her then don't worry so much about intercourse. A lot of women get much more pleasure out of oral sex and mutual masturbation. Try using sex toys. To take an idea from Ian Kerner who wrote "She Comes First," don't think of these acts as foreplay; think of them as coreplay. Intercourse doesn't define sex.

Note: Cockrings aren't silly. Be more open minded. Cockrings can be a lot of fun, but you'll never know that if you never try them.