Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Unable to Orgasm with a Partner

I am a 19 year old female and I want to know: Why can I get myself off, but find myself unable to orgasm when with a partner? No matter how good, or how long, or whatever else have you... they just can't seem to get me off. How frustrating!

19 is young and a lot of women haven't even had their first orgasm by themselves by that age. It takes a lot of women longer to figure out their bodies than it does men because in this society we are taught that good girls don't have sexual feelings and don't touch themselves. And also because men's genitals are all out there and they touch them several times a day just to pee. So yay you for being able to orgasm from masturbation!

But now that you've figured out what makes you orgasm (i.e. what kinds of touches, sensations, and fantasies) its time to take that with you into the bedroom. You can't give all of the responsibility of your orgasm to your partner. That's too much pressure. Everyone is different and your partner may have made their previous lover scream with multiple orgasms, but they don't know how to please you until you tell them. They can play a guessing game or you can tell/show them exactly how to get you off and it will be a lot more fun for both of you. A lot of people seem to think that we should just know how to please each other, but in my opinion that's a recipe for boring, unsatisfying sex.

If you have a difficult time putting into words how you like to be touched then you can always show your partner. Watching the object of your desire masturbate isn't just educational, it's also a huge turn on.

There are also many women who expect to be able to orgasm during vaginal penetration without any sort of other stimulation. This is just not possible for a lot of women. And believe me there are not too many people out there who would have a problem with their partner reaching down and playing with their clit during sex or even bringing a vibrator into the mix. If your partner is intimidated at all by this then tell them that you love the way the penetration feels, but there are very few women who can orgasm without clitoral stimulation and you are one of them. Offer the option to let them play with your clit during penetration as well. If they are interested in getting you off they won't turn it down.

But maybe there is something else standing in your way? I know that when I was younger, and I've heard many similar stories from women, I was actually a bit afraid of orgasming in front of someone else. Having an orgasm in front of someone else can be very vulnerable because you basically lose control of your body at that peak of excitement. What will your face look like? Will you be too loud? Too quiet? Will you fart? Will you queef? Will your body writhe about strangely?

Most likely your face will contort in crazy ways and you will make strange sounds, but when in the midst of an orgasm those things will be extremely sexy to your partner. Orgasms aren't the clean polished things you may see in a lot of mainstream porn. They are sweaty weird wonderfully sexy things. Check out Beautiful Agony for real people having real orgasms. They have a great free preview filled with lots of people cumming.

And then there's the possibility of farting or queefing when you orgasm. Those things happen to everyone and the best way to deal with them is to either ignore them or to laugh them off. There's no need to get embarrassed.

So if the issue is fear then hopefully realizing that orgasms are incredibly sexy things will help. Having a partner you feel comfortable with and trust can help a lot too.

Relax, get comfortable, and keep trying. I'm sure you'll figure it out. And until then if you feel the need to orgasm during a hot sex session you can always masturbate.


Cyn said...

I know for me, it's all in my head. I can get myself off, I can get myself off in front of my boyfiend, and our sex is amazing. But whenever he takes matters into his own hands, so to speak, I can't orgasm. Every time he tries, even if he is pressing all my buttons in all the right order I just can't. It's like stage fright. I feel like if I DON'T orgasm, I'm in some way letting him down (in the beginning he was very touchy on this subject) and I get so wrapped up in trying to orgasm that I can't.

Also, I have what I refer to as my reset button. I only really orgasm through clitoral stimulation, but I also have a REALLY sensitive clit. The second I'm touched in the wrong way, no matter how in the mood I am, it's like somebody has hit my reset button and I have to start all over. :-(

And as a note to all guys and girls out there everywhere? "Did you cum?" is never an appropriate question. Suddenly I'm thinking "No... should I have?" and it's a surefire mood killer.

Garnet Joyce said...

Great comment Cyn. Thanks for sharing. And yeah, the pressure to have an orgasm can be overwhelming.