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Check out everything I've been writing:
Analyzing Sexuality
The Sqweel
The Elusive Female Orgasm
Succu Dry: Once Bitten ...

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In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can't live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn't real. Most people don't look like that and most people don't fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you'll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah ... Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don't feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can't seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They've read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can't get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they've been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn't do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn't feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn't shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn't work for you don't despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman's pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn't even had an orgasm - I wasn't orgasming with partners yet. I also didn't know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn't pee- it didn't smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body's way of saying "Ok enough already jeez!"

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I'd orgasm I'd ejaculate. I didn't know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn't peeing, but I didn't really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn't super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then ... I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don't miss is the clean-up. But that wasn't really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people's bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that's fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean you shouldn't be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intelligent debate that doesn't devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

Taking Too Long

So, I've been seeing this guy lately & the sex is alright. Well, great really. Except there's the issue that he CAN'T cum after hours...yes, HOURS. 4 hours is too much for me. Anyway, that's kind of a big deal to me b/c HELLO it's easy to make someone cum! WHAT is wrong with me that I cant?

He's taking too long to cum. This is very inconsiderate of him IF he is doing it on purpose. Some men seem to think that they should last forever. But some men also aren't as easy to cum as other men are. It can make you feel inadequate if you are used to a man who does cum quickly. I highly suggest talking to him about it. Saying something along the lines of "I really enjoy playing and having sex with you, but I've noticed that you don't cum. Is there anything that I can do to help? I want you to fully enjoy our time together and I'd love to make you cum, but I'm not gonna lie, even though its fun, it gets really tiring after 45 min to an hour." He may not even realize that you're getting tired or he may actually need you to bring up his issues with cumming to help him get through it. Keep in mind that he may say that he needs to jerk himself off in order to cum. And remember that that isn't anything against you. He's probably just trained himself to the stimulation that his hand brings. And everything you do up to that point makes it waaaaay better than he could've done on his own. If this is the case and you'd like to be more involved in his cumming you two can switch between him stroking himself and you stimulating him until he gets a little more used to the kind of stimulation you provide and the possibility of cumming.

One thing to keep in mind also is that everyone is responsible for their own orgasms. You are not responsible for giving him an orgasm and nor is he responsible for giving you an orgasm. Communicating your needs and desires will go a long way in helping you both achieve orgasm.

Smart Balls

I'm always telling you to do your Kegel exercises so I figured it was about time that I reviewed a toy that is specifically used for that purpose. Babeland recently sent me the very popular Smart Balls and I gave them a try. Love them!

When I first opened the package I wasn't too psyched about the color they sent me, but I told myself that it didn't matter since I wouldn't be looking at them a whole bunch. Working my way to stronger orgasms is much more important than the color of the equipment I use to do it.

The balls are about 1.5" in diameter and are made out of elastomer with smaller weighted balls that roll and shake around inside. I found them to be a little large to insert when not aroused so you may want to turn yourself on a bit and use plenty of lube before you put them in and go about your business. And apparently many women who use these balls actually do go about their business at work, at home, running errands, etc. I haven't gotten up the guts to wear them outside of the house yet for fear of an extremely embarrassing moment. But maybe sometime I'll wear them out on a date. That could be a lot of fun.

So what you do with these balls is lube them up and pop them in your vagina. You can put either one or both balls in depending on your vagina size, comfort level, and muscle strength. Once they are comfortably in you can squeeze on the balls and even pull on the string in order to get some resistance. You can also practice pushing them out of your vagina.

So what makes Smart Balls better than traditional Kegel exercises without any equipment? I don't know about you, but when I keep flexing the same muscles over and over again I start to forget which muscles I'm flexing after awhile and start to flex the wrong ones. Its kind of like when you say a word over and over and it starts to sound less and less like a word ... kegel kegel kegel kegel .... You get the idea. Smart balls also allow you to step up your workout routine. You can flex your biceps as much as you want, but you're just not going to get big muscles if you don't add any resistance. And lets face it, Smart Balls are just plain fun! They feel good and many women report being in a slight state of arousal the entire time they wear them.

And really, I gotta say that they are great for masturbation. I like working my kegel muscles, but damnit I LOVE working them during masturbation. And these little wonders are no exception. You can't really move them around too much so they're not like a dildo, but if you use your hands or a vibe on your clit while squeezing and releasing on your Smart Balls it feels mighty nice. And what's even better is that when you orgasm, the muscle contractions cause the little weighted balls inside to shake, rattle, and roll into an extra special feeling. Try putting a vibe through the string of the balls as well. The vibration will carry through the toy.

The only thing I didn't like about this toy is that the string is stiff and kept tickling my leg during masturbation. Unlike a regular string, it can't easily be pushed out of the way. However, I wouldn't want a fabric string on this toy as it would harbor bacteria. So you gotta take the good with the bad and I have to learn to not be distracted so easily.

Lets go back to my distaste of the color of my Smart Balls. After using them for the first time, I looked at them again and found them to be beautiful. Beauty isn't just skin deep after all.

AWOL

I'm sorry I've been AWOL lately. I love writing this blog, but I've just been too busy. What with working 6 days a week AND planning a wedding its just been too hard. And this isn't going to change until after the wedding most likely. So don't expect to hear too much from me until after the big day (March 21st!). But if you're hard up to read up on sex let me give you some great book recommendations to keep you busy until I have a little more time.

- Good Vibrations Guide to Sex 3rd edition- This book is an all inclusive book on sex that features drawings of all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies and kinks. I highly recommend it.

- I Love Female Orgasm- And who doesn't? This is a great book to learn more about women, their anatomy, their desires, and how to make them happy. It is especially useful for women who may have a hard time having orgasms

- Opening Up- This is a great book for those interested in non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Don't be a cheater! If you don't dig monogamy learn how to be honest and have fulfilling relationships.

- Healing Sex- Have you or someone you love been the victim of sexual abuse? This book can really help get past those traumas to have a healthy sexual relationship again.

- Sex for One- This book literally changed my life. Its all about female masturbation and loving your body.

- She Comes First- This is a fabulous and extremely informative book on giving oral sex to women.

- The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability- This is a great book for anyone who has or is with someone who has a disability or suffers from chronic pain. Learn how to make sex easier and better.

- Yes Means Yes- This is easily one of the best books I've ever read. This book is very different from the rest. It is full of feminist essays with the goal of changing our culture of rape. One of the strongest messages to walk away with is how we view consent. We should be celebrating sex and sexuality and seeking out enthusiastic consent instead of just hoping to not hear a 'no.' And for those of you in Chicago, the editors of Yes Means Yes will be at Women and Children First bookstore on February 19th at 7:30.

Can anyone else recommend any good books about sex?

Kegel Toys

So, I have heard time and again how important Kegels are for vaginal health. But I feel like there isn't much information out there about which sex toys help with Kegels, especially when it comes to pregnancy. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and am not high risk, so as far as I know there is no reason to avoid sex toys. While I know that you can strengthen Kegels without toys I would love to know what is on the market in various price ranges. Ideally a something that has more than just the propose of Kegels would be great. Do you have any ideas?

Yes, Kegels are super important! They are one of the best exercises anyone can do no matter what sexual equipment you were born with or have elected to have. For those of you who don't know what Kegel exercises are or how to do them, they are a way to tone your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). The PC muscle forms the pelvic floor and when strong can help prevent incontinence, make orgasms stronger, and can help men to delay ejaculation if they desire. The way to flex this muscle is by squeezing the way you would if you were trying to make yourself stop peeing midstream. In order to figure out how to do it you can stop yourself from peeing a few times, but I don't recommend doing this regularly. The great thing about exercising your PC muscles is that you can do it anytime anywhere and no one will even know. You can do it at the grocery store, while talking to your boss, while pumping gas, while cleaning, etc. The possibilities are endless.

And you're right, doing them during pregnancy is a great idea. Having strong PC muscles will help you to give birth more easily by making it easier to push and lessening your chances of tearing during labor. You should also do kegels after you give birth as this will help get everything back into shape faster.

While exercise equipment is not necessary to do kegels, it can make it more fun. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot of price range out there as you will need sex toys that are heavy and heavy materials tend to cost more money.

The cheapest option at about $28 would probably be Smart Balls. You insert one or both balls, leaving the string outside of your body like a tampon and you squeeze the balls with your PC muscles. For resistance you can pull on the string. While these can be fun, there is nothing orgasmic about them. Some people find them to be pleasurable, but there are other options out there that are more likely to get more of a rise out of you.

The other options I would suggest would be heavy dildos, often made out of stainless steel. These you can use during masturbation by inserting the dildo into your vagina and rhythmically squeezing your muscles around it towards orgasm. I highly recommend using a vibrator on your clit in conjunction with the weighted dildo. Here are some options of dildos that you can try, their weights, and their prices:
- Natural Contours Energie 1 lb $50
- Betty Dodson's Vaginal Barbell just under 1 lb $76
- The Kegelcisor just under 1 lb $84
- njoy's Fun Wand 12oz $88
- njoy's Pure Wand 1.5 lbs currently on sale for $91.80
- or if you're really hardcore there is njoy's eleven weighing in at 2.75 lbs and costing $300

These toys are all made of high quality materials so consider it to be an investment that will last a really long time. And while you can easily warm these stainless steel toys with warm water before hand, Betty Dodson (one of my heroes and the queen of masturbation and female orgasms) suggests starting with the dildo cold so that your muscles will automatically start to clamp around it. Also, be sure to use lube when using these or any dildos. All of these toys, with the exception of the Smart Balls, can be used with either water or silicone based lubes.

Unable to Orgasm with a Partner

I am a 19 year old female and I want to know: Why can I get myself off, but find myself unable to orgasm when with a partner? No matter how good, or how long, or whatever else have you... they just can't seem to get me off. How frustrating!

19 is young and a lot of women haven't even had their first orgasm by themselves by that age. It takes a lot of women longer to figure out their bodies than it does men because in this society we are taught that good girls don't have sexual feelings and don't touch themselves. And also because men's genitals are all out there and they touch them several times a day just to pee. So yay you for being able to orgasm from masturbation!

But now that you've figured out what makes you orgasm (i.e. what kinds of touches, sensations, and fantasies) its time to take that with you into the bedroom. You can't give all of the responsibility of your orgasm to your partner. That's too much pressure. Everyone is different and your partner may have made their previous lover scream with multiple orgasms, but they don't know how to please you until you tell them. They can play a guessing game or you can tell/show them exactly how to get you off and it will be a lot more fun for both of you. A lot of people seem to think that we should just know how to please each other, but in my opinion that's a recipe for boring, unsatisfying sex.

If you have a difficult time putting into words how you like to be touched then you can always show your partner. Watching the object of your desire masturbate isn't just educational, it's also a huge turn on.

There are also many women who expect to be able to orgasm during vaginal penetration without any sort of other stimulation. This is just not possible for a lot of women. And believe me there are not too many people out there who would have a problem with their partner reaching down and playing with their clit during sex or even bringing a vibrator into the mix. If your partner is intimidated at all by this then tell them that you love the way the penetration feels, but there are very few women who can orgasm without clitoral stimulation and you are one of them. Offer the option to let them play with your clit during penetration as well. If they are interested in getting you off they won't turn it down.

But maybe there is something else standing in your way? I know that when I was younger, and I've heard many similar stories from women, I was actually a bit afraid of orgasming in front of someone else. Having an orgasm in front of someone else can be very vulnerable because you basically lose control of your body at that peak of excitement. What will your face look like? Will you be too loud? Too quiet? Will you fart? Will you queef? Will your body writhe about strangely?

Most likely your face will contort in crazy ways and you will make strange sounds, but when in the midst of an orgasm those things will be extremely sexy to your partner. Orgasms aren't the clean polished things you may see in a lot of mainstream porn. They are sweaty weird wonderfully sexy things. Check out Beautiful Agony for real people having real orgasms. They have a great free preview filled with lots of people cumming.

And then there's the possibility of farting or queefing when you orgasm. Those things happen to everyone and the best way to deal with them is to either ignore them or to laugh them off. There's no need to get embarrassed.

So if the issue is fear then hopefully realizing that orgasms are incredibly sexy things will help. Having a partner you feel comfortable with and trust can help a lot too.

Relax, get comfortable, and keep trying. I'm sure you'll figure it out. And until then if you feel the need to orgasm during a hot sex session you can always masturbate.

The Key to Better Sex

People always seem to be searching for the one tried and true method to make their sex lives the fantastic fireworks inducing scenes that they see in the movies and read about in romance novels. This subject sells countless books and magazines. There's always some new spot that is supposed to give us more pleasure than anything ever discovered before. There's the clit, the g-spot, the p-spot, the X-spot. What these things really do is make people feel inadequate when it doesn't set off fireworks for them or god forbid they can't even find the spot.

So what is the key to better sex? What is the one tried and true method? Well you may hate me for saying it, but its masturbation. Exploring, learning, and understanding your body is the key to fantastic sex. And once you can understand your body and what it is that really gets you off, then you have to also communicate that to your partner and realize that you are responsible for your own pleasure. If you don't believe me, here is a post written by a very famous sex blogger on exactly this topic.

Sex by Girl with a one-track mind

Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

This is a rather interesting one because I actually got emails from two people asking the same question who are in a relationship together. They did not originally know that they had both written to me, but came to realize this later.

Partner #1:
Dear Garnet,

I'm a 23 year old woman who has never, ever been able to achieve orgasm, whether it be through intercourse, masturbation or cunnilingus. I pretty much can't feel anything in my vulva region (but I'm certain it's not a technique issue). The closest I can get is a slight, pleasurable sensation when I masturbate, and even then, my clitoris completely loses sensation after a few seconds... and on top of that, if I'm too aroused, I feel absolutely nothing. This is very frustrating for me and my partner, and it ultimately makes both of us feel inadequate. I had repeated, severe UTIs as a young child, could this have somehow damaged my ability to orgasm?

Partner #2:
My girlfriend seems to have very little clitoral and vaginal sensitivity. Using my fingers and enough pressure, I can stimulate her clitoris, but it's an all or nothing approach. Too little pressure and she has no pleasurable reaction; it's just a sensation and nothing else. Any other pressure creates too much stimulation, and she often times has to ask me to stop. She also gets very little stimulation from oral sex. She's also never had an orgasm before.

This sensitivity (or lack of) carries into genital sex. We've had very little success finding a position and rhythm to create consistent pleasurable feelings for her. We haven't moved into using anything other than our own bodies, and usually spend a good hour on foreplay.

I was wondering if you had any advice for us?

First of all, I love that you are both working together on this and communicating. That is really really important. I'm sure it is very frustrating for the both of you, but even more frustrating if you weren't talking about it and being honest with each other.

The first thing that I recommend sex-wise is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep experimenting with different kinds of touch and keep communicating about what seems to work and what doesn't. Keep an open mind and try all kinds of different things including sex toys, fantasies, talking dirty, having sex in different rooms of the house even. Just be really open to anything that might strike your fancy and don't focus on trying to achieve orgasm. Just figure out what feels good for the both of you. And above all, Partner #2: don't ask Partner #1 if she orgasmed. That will put pressure on her. You can ask her what felt good and if there's anything she'd like you to do differently the next time, but try not to put the focus on orgasm as being the goal here. Mutual enjoyment and pleasure is the goal.

The second thing I want to recommend is for Partner #1 to really spend a lot more time masturbating, but don't think of it as homework or even something you have to do. Think of it as a fun past time. I don't want you to try to orgasm either. Just spend time touching yourself. And when I say touch yourself, I don't just mean your genitals. Touch all over your body, learn your body. Try different types of touches: rough, soft, tickly. Try different ways of touching yourself whether its with your hands, vibrators, or scooching yourself under your bathtub faucet. Try different fantasies, watching porn, or reading erotica. Have fun and remember that a lot of women have a hard time finding what works for them, but that almost all of them do actually find what works. The orgasmless woman is pretty much a myth. It just takes some women longer than others. The hardest part really is just trying to stay positive and its not always going to be easy. But if you can try to switch your goal from orgasm to just figuring out what feels good then you'll have a lot more fun in the process.

I also highly recommend the book I Love Female Orgasm. It is filled with all kinds of helpful information including a chapter specifically for women who are pre-orgasmic.

And, Partner #1, if you really are worried about the possibility of your severe UTIs as a child effecting your sex life now, talk to your doctor. Get copies of your old medical records even. I doubt that it would've had any real effect, but your doctor will know more than I do about that kind of thing.

**7/8/08 EDIT: I was just informed by one of the people who wrote that actually they didn't know each other. It was just a really big coincidence that they wrote me about the same problem within two days of each other.**