Thursday, January 17, 2008

We Waited Until Marriage

My husband and I waited until we were married (this past June) to have sex (we didn't do anything more than kiss). We've had a really difficult time figuring out how to make things work, partly because we're both new to this, and partly because it still really hurts at the beginning for me. Also, we can only figure out where to put his penis to get it inside me about half the time, which can be frustrating. I've been to my doctor and she said that there weren't any physical problems, but because of the pain, I find it really hard to be interested, which my husband understands but also finds frustrating. Any suggestions?

My biggest suggestion is to stop having intercourse for awhile. I'm thinking you should completely take it off the table for a month or two. You two need to learn what feels good without the pressure of intercourse. This will take a lot of trust and communication between the two of you and can help with not only building a happy healthy sex life, but also a happy healthy marriage. I want you to strictly stick to kissing, petting, and oral sex. Since all you did before marriage was kiss I'm going to assume that neither of you has any real experience with playing either. Try touching, caressing, kissing, licking, and nibbling all over each other's bodies and give each other feedback on what feels great, just ok, or bad. Experiment with each other and have fun. Don't make it a serious event. Make sure that you can both laugh and enjoy each other. Remember that the goal of this is not orgasm, but to learn how to touch each other and learn what feels good.

Once you feel ready, I suggest having your husband penetrate your vagina with one or two fingers so that you can both learn what feels good for you. What type of pressure you like, what type of speed, what type of angle works for you. Fingers have more dexterity, which will make it a lot easier to experiment than penetration with his penis. Before starting this process though you should both be as relaxed and turned on as possible.

I have a feeling that one of the reasons you may be experiencing pain during intercourse is that you are afraid it will hurt and therefore tense your vaginal muscles which makes it hurt more. Another possibility is that you have not been producing the lubrication needed in order to make things go more smoothly. This could be caused by a number or issues, but the more aroused you are, the more likely you are to become well lubricated. You can also try using a water based or silicone based lubricant if you find that you are drying out from friction or just not becoming wet enough for pleasurable sexual activity. A lot of sex toy shops carry lube samplers which will give you little 1 oz samples of several different types of lube. Try several out and find your favorite.

Another suggestion: masturbation. If you don’t already, both of you should start masturbating in order to figure out how you like to be touched. Once you get the hang of it and if you feel comfortable, try masturbating in front of each other to show each other how you like being touched. It will be educational and really sexy.

Since you both are pretty new to the sex thing in general I'm going to recommend a very general and all encompassing book: The Guide to Getting in On by Paul Joannides. It will help you learn about your own and each other's bodies as well as give you ideas to experiment with. In my opinion, and in the opinions of many others, it is the best sex education book ever written.

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