Saturday, October 20, 2007

Trans Women and Dating

Hello Garnet,
So I have a question for you for your blog. So, I'm MTF TS, pre op. I plan on having a relationship with a guy, a genetic guy, probably before Genital Reassignment Surgery. I don't want a chaser (one who specifically desires pre-op TS) and I don't want a guy who is not cool with me being TS. I'm also really scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Like what if the only type of person I will attract will be the guys who are only attracted to TS? Very scary, I just want a regular, open-minded heterosexual guy who wants a woman, because after the surgeries, I should be able to pass in the face, body, and down there.

So, what are your thoughts? Do you think any regular heterosexual guy would be able to have a relationship with me or do you think it's just completely a very slim chance, that he could never get past the fact that I was born a male, no matter how passable and fem I become?

I hate to say it, but there is a lot of violence against trans women. As a group, trans women suffer more hate related violence than any other group. It is a very sad fact and it will highly affect your dating options. It is unfortunate but there are a lot of heterosexual men out there who think that dating a trans woman would be a threat to their masculinity. As if somehow dating a trans woman makes them less of a man.

With that in mind, I have to say that finding a partner will not be easy. It is not impossible though. One thing I would recommend is to keep an open mind. Don't automatically discount men who are specifically looking for trans women. I understand not wanting to be fetishized, but you could be missing out on a wonderful man who just happens to find trans women fascinating and sexy. Also don't automatically discount men from the queer community. There are bisexual/pansexual/queer men who are a lot more open minded than your average heterosexual male. Love can happen in a lot of places and the more open minded you are about where you can find it, the more likely you will be to find it.

You didn't mention any desire to hide your bio-sex from anyone, which I commend. It is important that you be upfront and honest with anyone you are interested in dating. It will be a bigger heartbreak for you if you wait to tell the person and they end up rejecting you for it. Or even worse if they find out from someone else.

Your best bet for finding a man with whom you can have an intimate relationship is probably going to be in big liberal cities with a younger, more educated demographic.

I wish you lots of luck in your quest and hope that you will keep us updated.

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