Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wife Unsure About Sex With Others

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years. We have a secure and trusting relationship. We've talked about her sleeping with another person (man or woman) off and on for a couple of years. I'm absolutely fine with it. In fact it turns me on a bit. But she is still reluctant. She wants to but she still thinks I might not be okay with it afterwords. What steps can I take to reassure her that it's fine with me? I don't see sex as cheating. Or is it me that's wrong? What are the steps we can take to go down this path?

We don't have kids – if that makes a difference.

Let me start off by saying that kids don't make a lick of difference here.

Okay now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd say that in general you guys are taking the right steps. There's obviously been a lot of communication, which is supremely important if you're thinking about opening up your relationship. And what there needs to be more of also is communication. Its not surprising that she is worried about how you will react afterwords. She obviously values your relationship a great deal and doesn't want to screw it up. Traditionally, sex outside of relationships has been known to screw things up. But it doesn't have to be that way.

So how much more communication can there be? How about instead of trying to convince her that you'll be okay after she sleeps with someone else, you move the topic to how you both plan on checking in with each other after she does. There is the possibility that you may feel ways that you don't expect to feel and if you're both prepared with how to deal with those feelings then the more likely this will all go smoothly. Talk about jealousy. Talk about what things you only want her to do with you. But make sure that before she has sex with someone else that you set up an appointment with each other for afterwords to check in on how you're both feeling.

Before you both dive into the deep end I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up, which is about all kinds of open relationships. It will help you to set ground rules between the both of you (including having her always use protection!!) and help guide you through the process. She also has a website where you can talk to other people going through the same issues you are and even find local support communities.

Whether or not sex is cheating really depends on the people in the relationship. There are a lot of people in open relationships who definitely wouldn't consider sex with others to be cheating as long as their partner was being honest about it. Some couples may be okay with vaginal sex outside of the relationship but reserve anal for each other. And then there are other couples who consider viewing pornography as cheating. So its all really up to the couple to decide and discuss. Just remember to communicate and be safe.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can't live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn't real. Most people don't look like that and most people don't fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you'll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah ... Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don't feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can't seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They've read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can't get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they've been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn't do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn't feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn't shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn't work for you don't despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman's pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn't even had an orgasm - I wasn't orgasming with partners yet. I also didn't know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn't pee- it didn't smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body's way of saying "Ok enough already jeez!"

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I'd orgasm I'd ejaculate. I didn't know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn't peeing, but I didn't really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn't super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then ... I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don't miss is the clean-up. But that wasn't really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people's bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that's fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean you shouldn't be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intelligent debate that doesn't devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

Pleasurists #55


pull by aeric meredith goujon

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days.  For updates and information follow our RSS Feed  and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #54?  Read it all here.  Do you have a review for Pleasurists #56?  Use our submission form and submit it before Sunday November 29th at 11:59pm PST. Be sure to read our submission guidelines.

Want to win some free swag?  All you’ve got to do is enter.

Looking for something other than reviews?

The latest (and first) edition! e[lust] #1

Editor’s Pick

  • LELO Elise by Scintillectual
  • Remember when I said I was on hiatus from relationships? Well, I lied. I know, I know! I can hear my friends railing now about the fact that I jump into things too quickly and yes, she has already moved in with me. But, really, I do think she’s THE ONE. Before you get all hot and bothered, let me introduce you. Dear reader, this is LELO Elise.
    Note: Apparently I’m loving LELO reviews again this month (last week’s EP was LELO Ella)! I’ve read many many Elise reviews so they have to be special in order for them to catch my eye or make me want to finish them, and this one is written in an extremely entertaining manner so even if you’re burned out on LELO reviews like I thought I was it’s definitely worth the read.


Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

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Monday, November 23, 2009

P Style or How I learned to Pee Standing Up

I've always wanted to be able to pee standing up. I actually tried doing it before without any special devices. The way you do this is to spread your inner labia, shift your pelvis forward a bit, and push with your PC muscles. I'd gotten decent at it while practicing in the shower. I'd even gotten to the point where I could aim for the drain. But the thing with me and learning how to do things with my body is that I start off pretty good at stuff and then its all downhill. I don't know if I become cocky or if I over think it or what exactly happens, but I just lose the ability over time. It totally sucks! So after finally getting good enough to move my skills from the shower to the toilet, I lost the ability to pee standing up. How frustrating!

The good news is that Babeland sent me a stand to pee (STP) device called a P Style. The P Style is a curled piece of plastic that is 7.5" long and comes in different colors (mine came in orange) and acts as a sort of funnel for your urine.

The P Style manufacturers highly recommend that you start by practicing in the shower. I'm glad I did as the first time didn't go exactly as planned. The way that the P Style works is you hold it just below your urethra, bend your legs a bit, and push out using your PC muscles. Well apparently I didn't put it quite in the right spot the first time as some urine escaped down my leg. Luckily my vaginal muscles are like steel and I held the pee in while I repositioned the P Style. That did the trick! I still wasn't really comfortable with going for the toilet after that so I tried it in the shower a few more times until I felt confident. Because really it is incredibly difficult to pee if you're not feeling confident about your ability to get it in the toilet.

I gave it to my wife for a spin as well and she did it perfectly on her first try. She didn't even want me to give her instructions or anything. She just went. Oh how I envy her abilities.

So then, once I'd felt that I mastered the shower I tried peeing with the P Style while sitting down on the toilet just to get the feel of it. That turned out to be a HUGE mistake! Apparently when I sit down to pee my urine just goes everywhere. It didn't help that I had to go really really badly. So I ended up with a very wet hand. OK, lesson learned! The next few times I used the P Style while standing up in front of the toilet, but moved the bathroom rug and took off my pants because I didn't want anything to get pee soaked. The first time didn't go so great. I felt a drop or two drip down and so clamped down and sat to finish the job. However, since then it has been smooth sailing! I've even gotten to the point where I'm comfortable enough to have my pants only half way down. Soon enough I'm hoping to be able to keep my pants on and go.

Now I know you're probably asking yourself, “but how do you wipe?” I know I got that question a couple times when I was twittering about it. You don't need to! Because the stream is focused, the only piss that gets on you is just right around your urethra. So when you're done peeing you slide the P Style up against your vulva catching any of the leftover drops and you're done. No need for toilet paper! Think of the money you'll save on TP!

Now what I'm really curious about is how the P Style will hold up to the new popularity of the GoGirl. They both seem to have their pros and cons, but I haven't tried the latter so I can't really attest to either. But from what I've read and looked at I'd say that the GoGirl seems to be a bit better for traveling as it is made out of a flexible silicone material instead of hard plastic meaning you can easily fold up the GoGirl and you don't have to worry about it snapping in half in your pocket. The GoGirl is also cheaper. However, you still need toilet paper to use the GoGirl and its definitely marketed more towards women and girls (its bright pink!) whereas the P Style seems to be marketed more towards cis-women, trans-men, and genderqueer folks. So we'll see how they battle it out.

Overall, I think the P Style is great, but I do really wish that it would be a bit easier to travel with since you'll need it most when you're out in the world with either no toilets or only really disgusting toilets around. I swear I saw some P Style carriers somewhere on the internets, but now I can't find them. Anyone know? Link in the comments.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Last Days of the Contest

Hey everyone just a heads up to let you all know that today and tomorrow are the last days to enter the porn contest so enter! Even if you entered already and didn't win you can enter again until you do. Its been super easy to win as not that many people have been entering so if you do it you have a VERY good chance of winning a free hour of porn.

Details about entering via Twitter
Details about entering via Facebook

Friday, November 20, 2009

In Which I Assess My Future

I've done a lot of thinking lately about what I want out of this upcoming move. Originally this move was going to serve as a vehicle for going to school out in the Bay Area. But I've really been giving this some thought lately. I realized that school wasn't really about furthering my education or widening my opportunities. I was using it as an excuse to stall longer and to network. Sure I knew I'd learn stuff, but I don't think school is really the answer right now. This is not to say that I won't ever go back to school, but for right now it is on hold. And lets face it, unlike undergrad, grad school is not that easy to get out of if you feel like you're not in the right area or school. I hate research. HATE IT! So why was I planning on going to a research university?

So I've reassessed the situation. I'm going to use this upcoming move as a way to start over in my life. I do not want to work in accounting. This was never my goal in life. So after Chicago, accounting is done. As long as I can get domestic partnership benefits through my wife's job I can do what I want! All things considered, this seems very possible for everything she does in the future as long as she stays in her field.

So what do I want to do? Well to start things off, I want to start doing phone sex/advice. I think I need to get back to my sex worker roots. And I need to make money. So I think that will be a good option for me. I'll even get a landline because I despise talking on my cellphone. They're pretty cheap these days through the internets. On top of that I want to get a part time job. Something in non-profit maybe. Definitely something that focuses on sex, sexuality, gender, and education. Hellz to the yes for rewarding jobs! These two things will keep me more focused in my field and hopefully allow me to be more productive with following my career path. I plan to keep up my blog, try to get speaking/teaching gigs, spend a lot of time writing (including my porno screenplay), and I would love to start making porn (writing, directing, and producing). Of course I don't expect everything will go perfectly as planned so I will take whatever comes along that looks like it will make me happy.

The bay area is still the best place to be doing all this in my opinion. There are just way more opportunities out there. However, because I no longer have the requirement of school I also don't have the total final say about where we live. The wife has been really limiting herself to where she'll be able to do post doctoral work by only looking in one place. Its still the number one choice, but there are other possibilities in other places where I may still be able to find community and inspiration. Seattle and Portland, OR are both somewhat on the table. But really, I feel like Oakland/San Francisco are the place for me to be. But we shall see what happens.

I feel really good about this decision. Bring on the future!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Holiday Wishlist

Okay stole this from Essin 'Em after I promised to fulfill at least part of one of her wishes. I figured, why not? Maybe someone will have something to spare that I want/need. And I'm happy to try to fill your wishes as well if you link to a similar post. If you are interested in fulfilling one of my wishes email me at
Step One
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered…whatever you’re comfortable with) to your LJ or Myspace or Blog. The important thing is to make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it’s your address or just an email address at which you can be contacted by potential wish-grantors, real or imaginary.
- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your post, so that the holiday joy will spread.
Step Two
- Surf around your friends list/blogroll/RSS feeds (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list.
- If you see a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make someone’s wish come true. Sometimes someone’s trash is another’s treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you won’t use–or even know where you could get someone’s dream purebred Basset Hound for free–do it.
You needn’t spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn’t to put people out, it’s to provide everyone a chance to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not–it’s your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just…wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you’ll have the joy of knowing you made someone’s holiday special.

So here's what I wish for:
1. An e-stim starter kit. Midori suggested we give electricity play a try since it will cause pain without hurting my arthritic hands the way beating my wife does.
2. A second hitachi because my wife apparently needs one on her side of the bed too so she doesn't scare the crap out of me when she wakes me up in the middle of the night looming over me trying to get the cord over my head without waking me.
3. Free advertising/marketing advice for my blog. I just don't have the time, energy, or know-it-all for this stuff and I could really use some help. I'd love to get my blog out more so I can gain a larger audience.
4. I'd love a copy of Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink by Midori.
5. Book covers in different size so people can't see what I'm reading on my lunch break or my commutes to and from work.
6. A variety of flavored hot chocolates (bonus for white hot chocolate!) Noms!
7. Acupuncture: I've been meaning to try this for my arthritis, but haven't gotten around to it. Also, it can be pretty pricey. I know of a couple places that do it on a sliding scale though.
8. A recumbent stationary bike. Once again trying another way that I can exercise without hurting my arthritis. So many ways have failed me.
9. Awesome friends in the Bay Area that are in the sex ed/porn biz that can help me get started and who are just cool to hang out with.
10. A trip to Stockholm/London/Paris/Rome/Berlin etc. because I've never been out of the country and would really really like to travel Europe. I'd even be willing to start with Canada ;)
11. Women's black trouser socks. I swear no matter how many pairs I buy they all disappear soon after!
12. Giftcards to Target/Torrid/Amazon/Peapod/JT's Stockroom
13. A spreader bar ... If you know what that is I think its pretty self-explanatory.
14. A Lelo Gigi because she's so sexy and I really want to take her for a spin.
15. A pedicure at No, its not a website, but a nail salon in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago. They are the best though with their massage chairs!
16. A copy of a book that you think I'd really like.
17. A USB drive.
18. Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Essin' Em Scavenger Hunt

Have you heard of the sexy, smart, kinky Essin' Em? If you don't know who she is you really really should. Seriously. She's pretty rad. For her blogiversary (damn 3 years!) she's got an epic contest going on and the prizes are so fantastic that I had to make time in my very busy schedule to search out the answers to all her questions. I should be in bed right now. Sooooo exhausted! Anyhoo the following are the answers to her scavenger hunt. And don't forget you can still enter my free porn contest which is wicked way easier, but admittedly not as cool. Details: here and here.

How old I am: 23

My real name: Shanna Katz

The names of my cats: Kinsey, Kali and Jasper

The number of lettered partners (ex: Q) I have had on my blog, and list them: 8: J, Q, K, F, S, L, M, C

Five of the companies I do review for (or have in the past): Liberator,, Babeland, Vibe Review, Good Vibrations

Where my first job was in the “adult industry”:

My number one porn star crush: Jiz Lee

What happens everytime I get another 100 followers on Twitter: Tweet a nekkid pic

Who created my Facebook Fan Page: The Kinky Librarian

One blogger who helped me to find/understand my Femme identity: Sinclair Sexsmith

How many tattoos I have, and what they are (bonus if you know their meanings): 5 tattoos
1: Crescent moon with 4 stars and a tear drop. The tear drop is for sadness. Moon is the present and the stars are your future.
2.: Flying Pig with a banner below it that reads "Aba" which is Hebrew for father. Pigs were your dad's fave animal.
3. “Not all those who wander are lost.” A quote from LoTR
4: Two people embracing. One is more femme and that one is you and the other you can't tell. Its to show your love of sexuality
5. Femme spiral to show physical proof of belonging to such a strong and powerful group of women, queers, dykes, and more. 

The other country have I lived in: Germany

Number of states I’ve presented/taught in (bonus for which ones): 6: New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Colorado, California, and Washington. She's also taught in the District of Columbia, which isn't technically a state.

My absolute favorite toy ever is: Hitachi Magic Wand (and really, isn't it everyone's? It should be!)

Two of my favorite kinky activities: fire play and electricity play

Eight sex/uality bloggers I have met in person: Audacia Ray, Jamye Waxman, Sinclair Sexsmith, Jiz Lee, Domina Doll, Furry Girl, and Bella Vendetta

Three issues I feel VERY strongly on: Queers, Trannies, and Fatties

Five of my top ten toys/lube/etc: Smart Balls, Lelo Gigi, Pjur Eros, Thigh harness, vampire gloves

Three of the four porn companies I’ve shot for: CrashpadSeries, GoodDykePorn, NoFauxxx

The color I am allergic to: Pink

Two of my favorite colors (bonus for all three): red, black, and white

My degrees are in: BA in Sociology and German and an M.Ed in Human Sexuality

One of my favorite body parts: Legs

What is special about my tongue: its geographic

Site my advice panel is on: The Lesbian Lifestyle

Site my column is on: Out Front Colorado


The number of comments on this blog: as of 10:45 PM CST 11/17/09 there are 4,823 comments ... omg I should get something for counting all those!

The number of posts on this blog: My count was 1091 as of 11/17/09

Monday, November 16, 2009

Flower Balm

Babeland recently sent me a small pot (1oz) of Flower Balm, which is a clit stimulator.

Now I've tried a couple clit stimulators in my day and none of them have done a damn thing. This can most likely be chalked up to the fact that I need a jackhammer in order to get off. Not that I'm complaining, because I love my jackhammer. Its just that those little nuances like rabbit ears and ticklers never did anything for me. So lightly mentholated clit gels don't tend to do anything either.

This stuff, on the other hand, I actually felt! Whoa! But really all I felt was cold. There was no special tingle or anything. I felt like there was a strong breeze on my clit even when my legs were together and in pants. It turns out that I don't particularly like this feeling although you may. I like my cunt to be a warm cozy place that is as far away from cold as it can possibly be. I had an idea that that was the case in the past when having a fan directed a little too accurately at my vulva, but not until I tried this product did I realize how strongly I felt this. I think I will now stick with only warming type products instead of cooling ones.

But seriously if the idea of a cold cunt appeals to you (especially on a hot summer's day) get this product! It actually works unlike all the other ones that say they work. But keep in mind that it does contain oils so it is not latex compatible. If you are using safer sex supplies with this balm make sure to use polyisoprene condoms and nitrile gloves.

It also made my tongue and lips go a little numb so I don't recommend it for oral sex.

Ingredients: Almond oil, coconut oil, beeswax, shea butter, menthol, peppermint oil, citrus essential oils, methyl paraben, bht, and ginseng.

If you are sensitive to any of the above ingredients do not use!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Porn Contest Now on Facebook!

I've heard you! A lot of you don't twitter. I get it. So here's the deal. Make your facebook status a reason that people should read my blog and include a link to my blog. This can be a general reason with the link or it can be about a specific entry with a link to it.

But here's the down side of using facebook. There's no way for me to easily track and search for these things like with twitter. So in order to enter you'll need to:
1. friend me (include message that you follow my blog)
2. update your status
3. email me on fb linking to your status update

Also, if you don't win upon first entry don't hesitate to enter again the next day. Your chances of winning are pretty high especially if you are persistent. I reward persistence.

So twitter or update your facebook status! Win free porn! Srsly, free stuff rules! You should all enter. NOW!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Porn Contest!

Do you like porn? Do you like totally awesome porn? Do you like not having to pay for your totally awesome porn? Well have I got a deal for you!

I have 15 hours of free porn from that I want to give you! Now don't be discouraged by the fact that it says "for her." These movies are really for everyone. They have hetero and queer porn that will appeal to everyone. I promise!

So what do you have to do to win free porn?

All you have to do is tweet about why you think people should read AskGarnet. That's it! I will pick one winner per day for the next 15 days and you will get one free hour of porn. Once I pick the winner I will DM you for your email address and then send you the codes you'll need to get your free hour. If you don't respond w/in 2 days then the contest will continue. Simple as that. Just remember that when you tweet you'll need to add #askgarnet and include a link to my blog (can even be a particular entry you like). For example you could twitter something like:
"Everyone should read #askgarnet because she is super awesome!"

Now go! Tweet! Win free porn!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Tool Shed

I want to give a quick shout out to a sex shop that I visited on my honeymoon: The Tool Shed. Its located in Milwaukee (yes, I honeymooned in Milwaukee. Get over it.) and its totally awesome. I love feminist sex shops and when I travel I try to go visit ones I've never been to before. I'm kind of a nerd like that.

When I first walked in I was a bit taken aback by the fact that there was a dude behind the counter. But I soon realized that this guy was a very comfortable guy. No threatening or creepy vibes here.

The wife and I walked around perusing the wares and I got such joy out of fondling toys that my store doesn't carry and that I'd never actually seen in person. I want to try the SaSi SO BADLY!! The Tool Shed had quite a selection, carrying more vibes and BDSM gear than Early to Bed has. I was like a kid in a candy shop. Some of the stuff I found to be a bit odd and was glad that we don't carry it, but there were many other things that I wished we would carry.

After looking around for awhile I introduced myself to the non-threatening dude (I am horrible with names!) behind the counter. And this is where I probably annoyed my wife. We talked shop for like an hour. Yeah, I can just go on and on about sex toys. He told me about exciting new toys coming out and I told him they should carry my fave dildo in the whole world Ella by Lelo (Ellen on E2B's website).

And because I hate to take up someone's time and not buy anything, I bought my wife a pair of bicycle socks. I loved that The Tool Shed had a whole bunch of locally made stuff like socks, lingerie, jewelry, zines, and art.

So if you're in Milwaukee definitely hit up The Tool Shed for your sex toys or even socks. They rule!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Small Breasts- To Implant or Not to Implant

Boob jobs. Do you think its superficial to think it may/may not increase one's self esteem?

In all honesty, its something I've considered. Half the time I don't feel very "womanly" because I barely fill an A. All that gorgeous lingerie that's out there, I can't wear. I have a bunch that I have to rig to fit, and at that point, they really don't look attractive. My husband thinks mine are fine, but I feel superficial for thinking this way. It does sort of effect our sex life, because I don't feel that attractive. I just almost feel like if I had some hot C's I'd probably dress less boyish and maybe even stand up straight. Hell, if I had boobs I'd probably play with them myself!

I dunno. I talked about it with my husband, and we've pulled together that its part of the reason I hate porn too. The acts themselves can turn us both on, but knowing that I look next to nothing like those girls kills me. Its such a stupid thought to have, but its honestly the thought that goes through my mind. Then I beat up on him for looking. And, I don't want to be like that.

He's supporting the idea if it will make me feel that good. This of course wouldn't happen until somewhere later down the road. He agreed it would be awesome to see me wearing some pretty lingerie, and he'd probably buy more. Right now its like I'm a 12 year old girl wearing a training bra! (and I seriously do have one somewhere, its one of my better fitting bras.)
I guess just throw me some thoughts. Not sure if boobs would actually improve anything or not, and sadly, I feel like my self esteem would improve. so yeah, between you and me...
I want some freakin' bazongas!!!

Let me start off by saying that, just like super models, most normal people don't look like porn stars. Mainstream porn stars have had so many nips and tucks that you're not sure which parts of them are real or not anymore. So, for the love of god, please don't compare yourself to them OR to super models.

Now, that being said, there are actually lots of lovely porn models and actresses that have small breasts and are both sexy and cute. Scott Owens, owner of EroticBPM has let me troll around on his site in search of pictures of hot small breasted women for your viewing pleasure in order to prove a point. I will be posting pics of these hot models throughout this post and I dare you to tell me that any of them look any less hot because of their small breasts. The reality is that you're just looking at the wrong porn, which I think a lot of people are doing. Mainstream porn is SOOOO not where it is at in the world of hotness!

First, lets address the lingerie issue. Small breasts are actually often easier to find lingerie for. You just have to know what you're looking for. Stop focusing on the tits and look for other parts of your body to accentuate. Large breasted women have to find lingerie that is supportive and has underwire and possibly padding in order to keep the girls up, but you don't need that. Look for stuff that offers little or no support. And definitely accentuate the booty, tummy, and thighs; the things that make you feel sexy and womanly.

Or even think outside the box and find stuff that may not conventionally be considered lingerie, but looks awesome on you.

Now, lets address your sex life. You feel like if only you had a great pair of C cups you'd be a fiery vixen in bed. I think that there is probably a huge population of women who feel something similar. If only I had a bigger/smaller butt/chest/lips/thighs/hips/stomach or longer/shorter legs/hair/torso ... etc etc etc. I think there are very few women out there who think they're perfect and think that "if only" this one thing was different THEN they'd be unstoppable! We all have at least some self-esteem issues and really, that's how the consumerism works. If we were all happy all the time we wouldn't buy as much useless crap as we do now.

And what makes you think that you'll stop at a new pair of tits? Maybe once you get those you'll start thinking that your thighs are too fat or your lips are too small. When does it end? And is it really worth it? Are there ways to learn to love the body that you have?

Try looking at real breasts of all kinds of women - large and small breasts with different shapes, colors, textures, and gravity effects. Here is a gallery of non-sexualized pictures of breasts. This can help you to realize what is real instead of always looking at porn stars. Also, try finding things that make your breasts feel good. Is there a special way you like to have your nipples pinched? Do you like it when your husband caresses them? Or even, how they feel when you take a hot bath. Finding pleasure in the breasts that you have can make you fall in love with them and accept them for what they are. Especially with the knowledge that implants can often decrease sensation in your breasts and nipples.

Now, the reason that I feel so strongly about this kind of thing is that I feel that everyone should learn to love the body that they have. I think it makes us all very unhappy to go around feeling like we're missing something or would be better if only ... Whats important is to be healthy and happy and find pleasure in what we have. We can't truly enjoy sex if we can't embrace our bodies. I've dated several women who wouldn't let me see them naked. They would go to great lengths to keep the lights out and under the covers so that I couldn't see them. But I WANTED to see them! That is, after all, why I was having sex with them. I found them very attractive and wanted to see their bodies. No matter what they thought was wrong with them, I found them hot. But what's even hotter is someone with confidence.

I know there are a lot of people who say that they're down with body modification of all kinds. And you know what, I disagree with that stance. I think tattoos and piercings and the like are pretty rad. I think they are a great way to express individuality. Granted, not everyone goes the individual route and gets tribal on the small of their back. But in general, its a way of expressing yourself. I see plastic surgery as a way to try to look like everyone else. This is of course not always the case, but I feel like a lot of people who get plastic surgery are trying to reach some sort of mainstream beauty ideal. Then there's also the fact that it is SURGERY. There are a ton of risks. You could die! Seriously. Is it really worth it? People seem to forget that you can actually die from plastic surgery.

So, in the end, do I think its superficial? Yes, I most certainly do. But, its also your decision and I want you to be happy with whatever decision you ultimately make. But I want you to really think about it. I know women who've had breast implants and they seem to be happy with them. Does it make their life better? I don't know. I'd have to actually be them to really know that.

And now I'm just going to post more pics of hot small breasted women just for the hell of it. Enjoy!

PS I'm going to send you 2.5 hours of free porn minutes from in hopes that you can find some porn that features small breasted women that you think is totally hot.

Stay tuned everyone for your chance to win free porn! I will be announcing a contest later this week!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Love U Parties- Ducky's Newest Venture

The amazing Ducky DooLittle just launched her own sex toy party company today! Check it out: Love U Parties. The site is well done and she offers products that I haven't seen other feminist sex shops carry. Things that just make sense and you have to wonder why others aren't carrying them. For example: the Sex in the Shower Foot Rest. How many times would that have come in handy?

The great news is that she's paying the consultants (people who sell the toys at the parties) a big percentage of the sales. That's big money and possibly a real career for some. I may consider doing it myself after I move to Oakland.

If you haven't heard of Ducky before you should check out her book Sex With the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered. There are a TON of quotes from me in that book. See if you can figure out which ones!