Monday, June 30, 2008

Pump It Up!

So I guess I've been watching porn for most of my adult years, and sometimes I've come across some porn where it involves women using Pussy Pumps. From what I've heard its supposed to be very pleasurable to them, but from my point of view it looks very uncomfortable. Do these things actually provide extra pleasure and sensation to a woman? Or is it just done as some kind of fetish theme for people to watch?

Pumps could be used for either purpose. Whether it is for a kink or the woman is really enjoying it on a physical level depends on the individual woman.

Many women do find it quite pleasurable to use pumps on their vulvas, clits, and/or nipples. In this post I will specifically focus on the first two though since that is what you're specifically asking about.

In general when a female bodied person becomes aroused the genitals will fill with blood and swell. What a pump does is cause this to happen to a greater extent. The sucking action of the pump draws blood into the tissue causing it to swell. This can make the genitals extra sensitive, which can be really fun.

It can, however, be uncomfortable, as you mentioned, if the woman does not take special precautions. She could even end up causing some damage. Because of this I urge anyone who is thinking about pumping to be careful. When using a clit or vulva pump one should use lots of lube and go very slowly. Never use drugs or alcohol which might alter your pain responses. And if it hurts, stop. For anyone who is serious about genital pumping there is a great chapter on it in the book The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex.

Friday, June 27, 2008

The 3 C's of Sex

Curvaceous Dee wrote a great blog this week about the 3 C's of sex, "Conversation, communication, and consent." She is specifically referring to her poly relationships, but I think that everyone can really learn a lot from what she says whether you're in a monogamous long term relationship, poly, or single.

Check it out here: Co-operation makes it happen by Curvaceous Dee

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Studies of Homosexuality

The science world has been coming out with a lot of different studies about the biological differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals in an attempt to better understand how and why (biologically) homosexuality occurs in humans. Some of these studies include:

- Different brain sizes
- Sexually antagonistic selection
- Birth order

I think it is very important to study sexuality and not just homosexuality, but all types. However, there are also things one should keep in mind when reading or talking about these studies. Because while I think science can be a wonderful thing, it can also be subject to cultural and personal biases. Recently a strong intelligent feminist woman, Susan Skoog, put it very well in response to the article about different brain sizes (copied with her permission):

"There are some major problems with sexuality studies like this.

1. When neurologists try to determine once and for all the "innate" causes of sexuality, they don't realize the culturally-dependent framework they're using. That is, what do "gay" and "straight" mean to the researchers? How do they determine "gay" brains in the sample? By the self-reported preference of the subjects? By a survey of sexual behaviors over time? By their "deviance" from "straight" behavior? By their measured response to sexual stimuli?

All of these criteria are contingent upon subjective reflection and agreement upon terms (totally valid in the social sciences and in our personal sexual lives, but NOT in the realm of biological research.) For example, am I a lesbian if I have slept with women in the past year? The past 10 years? Or if I have never slept with one, but they turn me on? Or if (like the radicalesbians of the 1970s) I identify politically with women-loving-women? Who gets to say?

(referencing a point made earlier by someone else) I second the point about bisexuality. In every study I've read, bisexuality has been made invisible or given short shrift by being lumped into the study samples as "straight" or "gay" depending on the researcher. If bi means gay, we have a problem.

This philosophizing about "what is gay?" may at first seem like splitting hairs, but unless we can create objective operational definitions about sexual orientation, there's no way to do science about it.

Sexual tastes are not static entities-- everyone's sexuality develops and becomes enriched throughout life, and may even contradict itself. One person may go through many labels. To some people, their orientation has always been rock-solid. Others wrestle to develop/discover themselves more slowly. Still others refuse to define themselves at all. Are scientists going to look for the biological underpinnings of each of these?

Sexuality is much more than gender-choice; it's layered like an onion. Which is not to say that sexuality may be willfully changed either. I see no evidence to support anyone forcing themselves or others out of their sexuality.

2. Many of the brain studies (such as Simon LeVay's hypothalamic region study, and others' explorations of hormonal balances) sought to look for the ways in which male homosexuals' brains were "feminized." This confuses gender identity/expression with sexual preference and is dangerously unscientific.

3. Much of the sexuality research of the past 125 years has been focused on finding the biological quality separating gay people from everyone else. Straight brains are the controls in these studies--this is a big problem. When so little research has been performed on "straight" brains to find out how they tick sexually, how can we look at homosexuality without reducing it to an aberration from straightness? This reinforces the conception that all queerness is a flawed version of "normal" sexual response, as if there was such a thing.

I believe these sex researchers, for the most part, have good intentions, but their methods are inadequate, and their biases go unexamined. This is with the marked exception of the homophobic and transphobic Dr. Michael Bailey, who has stated publicly that if scientists could find the cause of homosexuality, he would strive to cure it."

Whether or not you agree with all of her points, it is important to keep each of them in mind when you read studies like these. Critical thinking is a much needed skill that many people seem to no longer employ when scientists or journalists start talking.

Friday, June 20, 2008


I was sent this video (Warning! NSFW) with the following question:

What should someone normally do if they get something stuck?

For those of you who don't want to watch the video the jist is that this poor woman inserts 4 golf balls into her vagina and when she tries to get them out the last one is stuck and she has a very difficult time retrieving it. Luckily at the end she is able to recover it and all is well. So what can we learn from this?

First of all, don't stick things where they're not supposed to go. Golf balls are not made to go in one's vagina and candles are not made to go in one's butt. Use sex toys for crying out loud! That's what they're for. Only insert things into your vagina or anus if they are specifically made for that purpose. Otherwise you're just asking for a world of trouble.

But even if you are doing what you're supposed to be and only using objects that are made for insertion, shit still happens. If you get anything stuck in your vagina or anus the first rule is Don't Panic! If you relax it will make things a lot easier. Just remind yourself that you can do this. Next go wash your hands so they are not slippery or dirty and then sit yourself down on the toilet or on the edge of the tub and bear down like you're trying to make a bowel movement. These muscles will help to push out whatever is stuck in there. You may need your hands to help as well as catching the object if you don't want to go fishing in the toilet.

If the particular orifice that the object is stuck in happens to be your vagina then you're in luck. It is very difficult to lose anything in there as objects don't have far to go. Relax, breathe, and push down and you should be able to retrieve it. Remember, gravity is on your side.

However, if the orifice is your anus, you will really have to make sure you stay as relaxed as possible. If you panic there is a very good chance that your muscles will work against you and push the object further into your anal cavity. This is why we ALWAYS use sex toys with a flared base when playing with our butts. Just make sure to breathe, relax, and push down. You should be ok and be able to get it out. When people panic they have to go to the ER to get objects removed from their butts. But remember that if you do have to go to the ER don't bother lying to the doctor. I guarantee you they know exactly why that thing is stuck up your butt.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

This is a rather interesting one because I actually got emails from two people asking the same question who are in a relationship together. They did not originally know that they had both written to me, but came to realize this later.

Partner #1:
Dear Garnet,

I'm a 23 year old woman who has never, ever been able to achieve orgasm, whether it be through intercourse, masturbation or cunnilingus. I pretty much can't feel anything in my vulva region (but I'm certain it's not a technique issue). The closest I can get is a slight, pleasurable sensation when I masturbate, and even then, my clitoris completely loses sensation after a few seconds... and on top of that, if I'm too aroused, I feel absolutely nothing. This is very frustrating for me and my partner, and it ultimately makes both of us feel inadequate. I had repeated, severe UTIs as a young child, could this have somehow damaged my ability to orgasm?

Partner #2:
My girlfriend seems to have very little clitoral and vaginal sensitivity. Using my fingers and enough pressure, I can stimulate her clitoris, but it's an all or nothing approach. Too little pressure and she has no pleasurable reaction; it's just a sensation and nothing else. Any other pressure creates too much stimulation, and she often times has to ask me to stop. She also gets very little stimulation from oral sex. She's also never had an orgasm before.

This sensitivity (or lack of) carries into genital sex. We've had very little success finding a position and rhythm to create consistent pleasurable feelings for her. We haven't moved into using anything other than our own bodies, and usually spend a good hour on foreplay.

I was wondering if you had any advice for us?

First of all, I love that you are both working together on this and communicating. That is really really important. I'm sure it is very frustrating for the both of you, but even more frustrating if you weren't talking about it and being honest with each other.

The first thing that I recommend sex-wise is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep experimenting with different kinds of touch and keep communicating about what seems to work and what doesn't. Keep an open mind and try all kinds of different things including sex toys, fantasies, talking dirty, having sex in different rooms of the house even. Just be really open to anything that might strike your fancy and don't focus on trying to achieve orgasm. Just figure out what feels good for the both of you. And above all, Partner #2: don't ask Partner #1 if she orgasmed. That will put pressure on her. You can ask her what felt good and if there's anything she'd like you to do differently the next time, but try not to put the focus on orgasm as being the goal here. Mutual enjoyment and pleasure is the goal.

The second thing I want to recommend is for Partner #1 to really spend a lot more time masturbating, but don't think of it as homework or even something you have to do. Think of it as a fun past time. I don't want you to try to orgasm either. Just spend time touching yourself. And when I say touch yourself, I don't just mean your genitals. Touch all over your body, learn your body. Try different types of touches: rough, soft, tickly. Try different ways of touching yourself whether its with your hands, vibrators, or scooching yourself under your bathtub faucet. Try different fantasies, watching porn, or reading erotica. Have fun and remember that a lot of women have a hard time finding what works for them, but that almost all of them do actually find what works. The orgasmless woman is pretty much a myth. It just takes some women longer than others. The hardest part really is just trying to stay positive and its not always going to be easy. But if you can try to switch your goal from orgasm to just figuring out what feels good then you'll have a lot more fun in the process.

I also highly recommend the book I Love Female Orgasm. It is filled with all kinds of helpful information including a chapter specifically for women who are pre-orgasmic.

And, Partner #1, if you really are worried about the possibility of your severe UTIs as a child effecting your sex life now, talk to your doctor. Get copies of your old medical records even. I doubt that it would've had any real effect, but your doctor will know more than I do about that kind of thing.

**7/8/08 EDIT: I was just informed by one of the people who wrote that actually they didn't know each other. It was just a really big coincidence that they wrote me about the same problem within two days of each other.**

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Winner

And the winner of the lube contest is the writer of The Twat Poem! Thanks to everyone who entered and voted. I hope you've all enjoyed the contest as much as I did.

In other news, I will be in Minneapolis this weekend for Sexy Spring V. I will be giving a workshop entitled Owning Your Pleasure about how to get what you want out of your sex life by learning how to please yourself and ask for what you want. If you're in the area I encourage you to come to my workshop or any of the others that interest you. It should be a fun time. I also plan on making a stop at Smitten Kitten while there because I love to roam feminist sex toy shops.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Havana Vibrating Plug

This month's Babeland review is the Havana Vibrating Plug. This is a great anal toy for beginners and those who are a little more advanced because it is on the smaller side. It is made out of very soft pink silicone and has a hole in the bottom for the cordless bullet vibe that is included. Being silicone means it is a great toy for anal play as it can be completely sterilized by boiling it in water (without the vibe of course), throwing it in the top rack of your dishwasher, or even just washing it with soap and water. Silicone also means that vibrations are conducted very well so you will definitely feel the vibe in this toy.

This toy feels fantastic especially when combined with other sensations like a vibrator on the clit, vaginal penetration, or cock and ball play. The only downside is that it doesn't do what a butt plug should do, namely stay in place. You will probably have to hold this guy in with an extra hand so any type of very active sex play for the wearer is probably going to be out of the question.

A couple of tips for this toy and others like it:
- Whenever engaging in any type of anal play make sure to use LOTS of lube. I like Maximus.
- Do NOT use silicone lube with silicone toys.
- When putting a bullet vibe into a toy, always put a drop or two of lube on the bullet first so you can easily remove it later.

And now a reminder that voting for the lube contest ends tomorrow at 11:59PM CST so don't forget to cast your vote.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Love and Friendship

A relationships question for you. One of my classmates in organic chem and I hang out quite a bit, and of course I've got a bit of an attachment for her. It came up today about dating friends and she said she didn't date friends, and I got the impression I fall into that category. Plus in a roundabout way she said she knew I felt that way. I know it's a long shot but is there anything you can suggest I do to possibly change her mind? What really sucks for me is it has been a while since I met a girl I liked for reasons other than sex, so maybe I just have bad karma.

It sounds like she was trying to hint at it nicely that she is not interested. A lot of women do that in hopes that their male friends will get the hint and lay off. Straight men will often complain that women always just want to be friends with them, but put yourself in a woman's shoes. It can be very difficult to find male friends that aren't always trying to get in your pants. It is difficult to find straight men who just want to be friends.

Can you convince her? I'm not going to say that it's impossible. I mean hell I didn't think that I wanted to date the woman who I'm now engaged to, but she worked her way into my heart and I am thankful. But really if you're going to change her mind its just going to be by acting how you always act with her. If she comes around she'll come around. There's not going to be much you can do to convince her.

In the meantime put your focus on other romantic conquests. There are lots of ways to meet people. There is internet dating, blogs, is a great resource for meeting people with similar interests, you could join a local club, go speed dating, if you have a dog you can take it for walks in the park (I hear that is a great way to meet women), or even have a party where you ask people to invite people that you don't know. The point is that you'll be looking for love elsewhere and if this other woman grows an interest during this time then great, but if she doesn't then you haven't been wasting your time and energy to try to convince her to take an interest.

Hey everybody don't forget to vote for your favorite story for the lube contest! Go here to vote now!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


It has come time to vote for your favorite story in the lube contest. Whoever gets the most votes will win the bounty of lube! The voting will end Wednesday June 11th at 11:59PM CST. That gives you about a week to get all of your friends to vote for your favorite.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Contestant #3

Here is the final contestant in the lube contest. This entry is a lot longer than the others, but I encourage you to read it all. It is very clever and funny. Voting starts tomorrow!

The Last Day of Class

It was my last day of high school and I was glad to get the hell out of this shit hole of a school. I had a serious case of senioritis and had not done any work in about 6 ½ months, always dreaming of the day when I would be finally finished and could go on to all the wonderful things that college entailed. My second to last class was social studies with Mr. Jackson. Walking down the social studies hallway for the last time, I was on cloud nine. The 60 year old school never looked better. The peeling paint did not bother me, the blinking fluorescent light did not give me a headache for the first time in four years, the broken lockers actually looked secure, and that thick line of dust and hair above them looked like highway lines to the glory of graduation. I entered Mr. Jackson's room, giving him the old pistol salute with my right hand, and a wink with my left eye, "Yo, Mr. Jackson, what up."

"Just sit down, Mike. Two more hours and we are all out of here. Just keep the jackass routine to a minimum and this last day will be over," Mr. Jackson responded.

"I will sit down, but I make no promises about being a jackass. It just simply is not my routine." I sat down in my seat and began talking to my friend Josh, who I affectionately call Boo Boo because quite frankly he sounds like Boo Boo. "Hey, Boo Boo. You excited yet, last two hours."

"You damn right I am excited," he replied. "I am going to get trashed tonight at the senior party. When are you and Lizzie going to get there." My girlfriend Lizzie and I had been dating for two years now and had a nice romantic evening planned out at the local restaurant Totsi and then swinging by the party for a few minutes. I am not a party animal and a nice night with the girl I love is all I need.

"Probably around eleven. Our reservation is for eight so I figure three hours is about enough time to eat, change and then head to the party. What about you?" I asked him not really caring about the answer, partially because I already knew the answer.

"We are going down to the breakers and getting drunk and stoned and going for a dip," Boo Boo was getting excited and his voice was rising as well.

Mr. Jackson looked up directly at the two of us and said, "I am going to pretend I did not hear that but Boo Boo don't drown, please." I grinned, happy with myself that half the school now called my friend by the name I had given him. It was almost time for class and the other students had come in as well. Lizzie was sitting right in front of me looking hot as always and gave me a quick smile and a hello before the bell went off and Mr. Jackson got up from his desk and began to talk about who knows what. I was too interested in my girlfriend to really care. Finally I decided to pay attention as he finished his spiel . "Alright, continuing our unit on the end of the year, we are going to watch yet another video today. I am not entirely sure what this one is about because it did not have a label, but there were slim pickings in the AV dept. So here it goes, Karen get the lights when I get the film going. "

Mr. Jackson walked to the back of the room and began to get the film ready. He really did mean film too. My school is so crappy that we still have the old projectors that have reels of film. He put the wheels on both sides of the projector and started up the 50 year old machine. Click, click, click, click. The machine began making that all familiar sound as white boxes flew past on the screen. Great I can get some shut eye and have plenty of stamina to party tonight, I thought putting my hands behind my head and leaning back. The white boxes were completely replaced by numbers over a circle 4,3,2,1 the excitement was overwhelming, well as overwhelming as something that was about to put me to sleep. My eyes were beginning to close as the movie started. However, I was rocked back to conscoiousness when the narrator began the film with the following introduction:

"Since the dawn of time, man has always struggled against friction. Even though without it, people would not be able to walk and cars would endlessly spin their tires never moving an inch like a sixteen year old with a souped up Subaru in a high school parking lot, but too much friction can generate heat, pain, chaffing and dissatisfied intercourse. But the over worked mother, necessity, produced yet another bastard and man created LUBE." The music gained cadence and the chorus chanted "LUBE, LUBE, LUBE"

My brow furled in confusion as I looked over at Boo Boo who looked pretty bugged out, so I turned to Lizzie and asked, "What the hell is this."

"I don't know but lube is good so I am not complaining," she replied with a smile. I became convinced that this was just a strange coincidence and sat back in my seat looking forward to learning about lube. After the title sequence of the three Lubes, the image was replaced by that of a kid around the age of 20 with a strained look on his face coupled with brief twinges of pain. He cried out in pain and looked at his crotch and then at his hand, frustrated. The kid became quite shocked when a middle aged man stepped into the picture wearing a suit and sporting a flat top.

"Hello Jimmy. Having a little problem there." The kid shook his head yes. "Well, Jimmy, all you need is lube."

"Geez, mister what's lube." Jimmy asked.

"Well Jimmy, lube is what makes the world go round, come with me Jimmy and learn all about the magic that is lube." The man walked out of the room and the kid had no choice but to pull up his pants and follow him out the door. They walked outside and down the street to one of Jimmy's neighbors bent over with his head underneath the hood of his car as the engine clanked together giving off smoke and heat.

"You see Jimmy, Lubrication is the process, or technique employed to reduce wear of one or both surfaces in close proximity, and moving relative to each other, by interposing a substance called lubricant between the surfaces to carry or to help carry the load of the opposing surfaces," the man casually explained to Jimmy as he lit a pipe and puffed a few smoke rings.

"Wha???" Jimmy asked puzzled.

"Oh, Jimmy it is not really that difficult of the concept, you like cars don't you Jimmy."

"Do I," Jimmy said as he furiously nodded his head.

"See that engine there. Well, the pistons inside of the cylinders are moving up and down extremely fast. Metal rubbing on metal creates friction which creates heat. Eventually Mr. Jones here won't have a car because the engine will seize." As the man said this, the engine screeched to a stop and Mr. Jones looked forlorn as he wiped his brow. The man moved forward and reached into his jacket. "Here you go Mr. Jones, all you need is a little lube." He handed Mr. Jones a can of oil and then a star wipe revealed the engine up and running again and purring like a kitten. "You see Jimmy, the oil in the engine worked as a lube to allow the metal parts of the engine to slide smoothly over each other without creating excessive friction."

"Oh, I think I am beginning to understand." The scene was then replaced by a parking lot over looking a scenic river. A line of parked cars were spread out evenly along the parking lot. Two people in one of the car's back seat were lying on top of each other with their pants down around their ankles moving around trying to get the right angle for penetration.

"No, James, stop… Not like that. ..No that hurts. ..Just stop. ..It is not going to work." The senior prom king and queen broke off their sexual interlude and sat staring at each other. "We cannot do it James it is too uncomfortable."

"But what are we going to do. We have been talking about going all the way all year." The guy replied dejectedly.

"It is just too uncomfortable James, there is too much friction." And with that Jimmy's ears perked up.

"They can't have sex because there is too much friction between their privates. They need lube to allow the penis to smoothly penetrate the vagina," Jimmy exclaimed. He reached into a bag a grabbed a nice big jug of petroleum jelly and began running towards the car.

"Wait a second Jimmy, not so fast there with the lube." The man said. Jimmy stopped in his tracks and looked at the petroleum jelly in an inquisitive way. "You see Jimmy not all lubricants work in every situation. That petroleum jelly you have there is made out of the same material as the motor oil. More importantly though, it is made up of the same material that the condom these two sweethearts were planning on using in an attempt to keep her from getting pregnant and also, I am not entirely sure how much she should trust James. Regardless, petroleum jelly degrades latex condoms and could lead to condom failure."

"I did not realize that lube was such a complicated topic," Jimmy replied as he scratched his head.

"It is Jimmy. What these love birds need is a quality silicone or water based lubricant like the one I have here. These types of lubricant will not degrade the condom like an oil based lubricant. Now you can take it to them." Jimmy grabbed the lube and rushed over to the car and knocked on the door.

"Here you go, this will allow you to have sex with less friction," he said as he threw the lube onto the back seat. The girl in the back began to scream at the top of her lungs as Jimmy walked back to the man who was laughing. James got out of the car half naked holding onto his letter jacket trying to catch up to Jimmy but was having trouble covering himself.

Jimmy and the man walked to the edge of the screen and then a cut brought them back to Jimmy's bedroom. "You see Jimmy, lube is needed in all sorts of activities."

"Wow, thanks for helping me out and teaching me about lube. Now I know that I need lube when I masturbate. Now if you would please excuse me I have to get back to where I was."

"Sure thing Jimmy. You see, from the Romans dipping rags in animal fat to lubricate wagon wheels to modern cars today, everyone uses lube. The science of lubrication really only took off with the industrial revolution in the nineteenth century paving the way for today's improved lubes, including all of your favorite sexual lubes. So whether yesterday or today. Whether fixing your automobile or having sex with your partner, always make sure that you use enough lube." The music began to play again as the chorus chanted, LUBE, LUBE, LUBE.

The film flipped back and forth in the reel as the film ended and the lights came back on. The bell rang and we all left class together more confused than ever. "What did we just watch. Why was an old guy walking around giving advice about lube to a college kid," I asked.

"Who cares," Lizzie replied. "I learned a lot and maybe I would like to put my knowledge to good use. Do you want to skip last hour and go swimming at the breakers." She smiled and gave me a wicked wink. At that point, my mind completely forgot about all of my questions concerning the movie and were focused on leaving school and swimming. We hauled ass out of the back door and walked the two blocks to the Lake hand in hand confident in our knowledge of lube and happy that I had all that lube from the contest.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Contestant #2

Now contestant #2's entry:

Picture this:

A doorknob with a string tied around it. String is looped around a pulley. When door is opened, the string pulls taut, which upsets a little bucket of ball bearings. The ball bearings pour into a vertically-placed pvc pipe which has been filled with water-based lube. The additional weight of the ball bearings causes a hinged cover on the distal end of the pvc pipe to swing open, releasing the lube-coated ball bearings onto the floor. At the same time, a match that has been taped to the top of the door scrapes against sandpaper which has been taped to the inside of the door frame. the match ignites a cup of silicon-based lube, which is upset by the door opening and spills onto the head of whoever is trying to open it. Flaming, arm-flailing chaos ensues. Most awesome burglar system ever!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Contestant #1

The lube contest has come to a close and I have picked the best three stories. It was a difficult task, but I tried to pick the ones that were the most creative and also the most different from each other. So over the next 3 days I will post each of the stories and on the 4th day I will put up a poll for everyone to vote. So without further ado here is the first story:

There was once a furry twat
Who wanted a sexy swat

So she scrubbed and she bathed
winked in the mirror and waved

and on her way she went.

This twat was on a mission
and she wasn't going fishin'

she wanted a hard cock
strong and solid like a rock

The twat needed lots of lube
So she went and picked up a tube.

The store was all out
so, she started to shout


The sad twat was out of luck
All she needed was a fuck

Out of the corner of her eye
Someone was there- Oh my!

It was Garnet to save the day!

She came bearing a gift
Which gave the twat a lift

She smiled and opened her hand
The present was large and grand

The twat declared "OH SHIT!!"
So she greased up her slit

And finally her wish came true

Garnet had saved the twat
The lube helped a lot!

The twat got fucked
And then she got sucked

All thanks to Garnet!