Here is the final contestant in the lube contest. This entry is a lot longer than the others, but I encourage you to read it all. It is very clever and funny. Voting starts tomorrow!
It was my last day of high school and I was glad to get the hell out of this shit hole of a school. I had a serious case of senioritis and had not done any work in about 6 ½ months, always dreaming of the day when I would be finally finished and could go on to all the wonderful things that college entailed. My second to last class was social studies with Mr. Jackson. Walking down the social studies hallway for the last time, I was on cloud nine. The 60 year old school never looked better. The peeling paint did not bother me, the blinking fluorescent light did not give me a headache for the first time in four years, the broken lockers actually looked secure, and that thick line of dust and hair above them looked like highway lines to the glory of graduation. I entered Mr. Jackson's room, giving him the old pistol salute with my right hand, and a wink with my left eye, "Yo, Mr. Jackson, what up."
"Just sit down, Mike. Two more hours and we are all out of here. Just keep the jackass routine to a minimum and this last day will be over," Mr. Jackson responded.
"I will sit down, but I make no promises about being a jackass. It just simply is not my routine." I sat down in my seat and began talking to my friend Josh, who I affectionately call Boo Boo because quite frankly he sounds like Boo Boo. "Hey, Boo Boo. You excited yet, last two hours."
"You damn right I am excited," he replied. "I am going to get trashed tonight at the senior party. When are you and Lizzie going to get there." My girlfriend Lizzie and I had been dating for two years now and had a nice romantic evening planned out at the local restaurant Totsi and then swinging by the party for a few minutes. I am not a party animal and a nice night with the girl I love is all I need.
"Probably around eleven. Our reservation is for eight so I figure three hours is about enough time to eat, change and then head to the party. What about you?" I asked him not really caring about the answer, partially because I already knew the answer.
"We are going down to the breakers and getting drunk and stoned and going for a dip," Boo Boo was getting excited and his voice was rising as well.
Mr. Jackson looked up directly at the two of us and said, "I am going to pretend I did not hear that but Boo Boo don't drown, please." I grinned, happy with myself that half the school now called my friend by the name I had given him. It was almost time for class and the other students had come in as well. Lizzie was sitting right in front of me looking hot as always and gave me a quick smile and a hello before the bell went off and Mr. Jackson got up from his desk and began to talk about who knows what. I was too interested in my girlfriend to really care. Finally I decided to pay attention as he finished his spiel . "Alright, continuing our unit on the end of the year, we are going to watch yet another video today. I am not entirely sure what this one is about because it did not have a label, but there were slim pickings in the AV dept. So here it goes, Karen get the lights when I get the film going. "
Mr. Jackson walked to the back of the room and began to get the film ready. He really did mean film too. My school is so crappy that we still have the old projectors that have reels of film. He put the wheels on both sides of the projector and started up the 50 year old machine. Click, click, click, click. The machine began making that all familiar sound as white boxes flew past on the screen. Great I can get some shut eye and have plenty of stamina to party tonight, I thought putting my hands behind my head and leaning back. The white boxes were completely replaced by numbers over a circle 4,3,2,1 the excitement was overwhelming, well as overwhelming as something that was about to put me to sleep. My eyes were beginning to close as the movie started. However, I was rocked back to conscoiousness when the narrator began the film with the following introduction:
"Since the dawn of time, man has always struggled against friction. Even though without it, people would not be able to walk and cars would endlessly spin their tires never moving an inch like a sixteen year old with a souped up Subaru in a high school parking lot, but too much friction can generate heat, pain, chaffing and dissatisfied intercourse. But the over worked mother, necessity, produced yet another bastard and man created LUBE." The music gained cadence and the chorus chanted "LUBE, LUBE, LUBE"
My brow furled in confusion as I looked over at Boo Boo who looked pretty bugged out, so I turned to Lizzie and asked, "What the hell is this."
"I don't know but lube is good so I am not complaining," she replied with a smile. I became convinced that this was just a strange coincidence and sat back in my seat looking forward to learning about lube. After the title sequence of the three Lubes, the image was replaced by that of a kid around the age of 20 with a strained look on his face coupled with brief twinges of pain. He cried out in pain and looked at his crotch and then at his hand, frustrated. The kid became quite shocked when a middle aged man stepped into the picture wearing a suit and sporting a flat top.
"Hello Jimmy. Having a little problem there." The kid shook his head yes. "Well, Jimmy, all you need is lube."
"Geez, mister what's lube." Jimmy asked.
"Well Jimmy, lube is what makes the world go round, come with me Jimmy and learn all about the magic that is lube." The man walked out of the room and the kid had no choice but to pull up his pants and follow him out the door. They walked outside and down the street to one of Jimmy's neighbors bent over with his head underneath the hood of his car as the engine clanked together giving off smoke and heat.
"You see Jimmy, Lubrication is the process, or technique employed to reduce wear of one or both surfaces in close proximity, and moving relative to each other, by interposing a substance called lubricant between the surfaces to carry or to help carry the load of the opposing surfaces," the man casually explained to Jimmy as he lit a pipe and puffed a few smoke rings.
"Wha???" Jimmy asked puzzled.
"Oh, Jimmy it is not really that difficult of the concept, you like cars don't you Jimmy."
"Do I," Jimmy said as he furiously nodded his head.
"See that engine there. Well, the pistons inside of the cylinders are moving up and down extremely fast. Metal rubbing on metal creates friction which creates heat. Eventually Mr. Jones here won't have a car because the engine will seize." As the man said this, the engine screeched to a stop and Mr. Jones looked forlorn as he wiped his brow. The man moved forward and reached into his jacket. "Here you go Mr. Jones, all you need is a little lube." He handed Mr. Jones a can of oil and then a star wipe revealed the engine up and running again and purring like a kitten. "You see Jimmy, the oil in the engine worked as a lube to allow the metal parts of the engine to slide smoothly over each other without creating excessive friction."
"Oh, I think I am beginning to understand." The scene was then replaced by a parking lot over looking a scenic river. A line of parked cars were spread out evenly along the parking lot. Two people in one of the car's back seat were lying on top of each other with their pants down around their ankles moving around trying to get the right angle for penetration.
"No, James, stop… Not like that. ..No that hurts. ..Just stop. ..It is not going to work." The senior prom king and queen broke off their sexual interlude and sat staring at each other. "We cannot do it James it is too uncomfortable."
"But what are we going to do. We have been talking about going all the way all year." The guy replied dejectedly.
"It is just too uncomfortable James, there is too much friction." And with that Jimmy's ears perked up.
"They can't have sex because there is too much friction between their privates. They need lube to allow the penis to smoothly penetrate the vagina," Jimmy exclaimed. He reached into a bag a grabbed a nice big jug of petroleum jelly and began running towards the car.
"Wait a second Jimmy, not so fast there with the lube." The man said. Jimmy stopped in his tracks and looked at the petroleum jelly in an inquisitive way. "You see Jimmy not all lubricants work in every situation. That petroleum jelly you have there is made out of the same material as the motor oil. More importantly though, it is made up of the same material that the condom these two sweethearts were planning on using in an attempt to keep her from getting pregnant and also, I am not entirely sure how much she should trust James. Regardless, petroleum jelly degrades latex condoms and could lead to condom failure."
"I did not realize that lube was such a complicated topic," Jimmy replied as he scratched his head.
"It is Jimmy. What these love birds need is a quality silicone or water based lubricant like the one I have here. These types of lubricant will not degrade the condom like an oil based lubricant. Now you can take it to them." Jimmy grabbed the lube and rushed over to the car and knocked on the door.
"Here you go, this will allow you to have sex with less friction," he said as he threw the lube onto the back seat. The girl in the back began to scream at the top of her lungs as Jimmy walked back to the man who was laughing. James got out of the car half naked holding onto his letter jacket trying to catch up to Jimmy but was having trouble covering himself.
Jimmy and the man walked to the edge of the screen and then a cut brought them back to Jimmy's bedroom. "You see Jimmy, lube is needed in all sorts of activities."
"Wow, thanks for helping me out and teaching me about lube. Now I know that I need lube when I masturbate. Now if you would please excuse me I have to get back to where I was."
"Sure thing Jimmy. You see, from the Romans dipping rags in animal fat to lubricate wagon wheels to modern cars today, everyone uses lube. The science of lubrication really only took off with the industrial revolution in the nineteenth century paving the way for today's improved lubes, including all of your favorite sexual lubes. So whether yesterday or today. Whether fixing your automobile or having sex with your partner, always make sure that you use enough lube." The music began to play again as the chorus chanted, LUBE, LUBE, LUBE.
The film flipped back and forth in the reel as the film ended and the lights came back on. The bell rang and we all left class together more confused than ever. "What did we just watch. Why was an old guy walking around giving advice about lube to a college kid," I asked.
"Who cares," Lizzie replied. "I learned a lot and maybe I would like to put my knowledge to good use. Do you want to skip last hour and go swimming at the breakers." She smiled and gave me a wicked wink. At that point, my mind completely forgot about all of my questions concerning the movie and were focused on leaving school and swimming. We hauled ass out of the back door and walked the two blocks to the Lake hand in hand confident in our knowledge of lube and happy that I had all that lube from the contest.