Blowjob Tips!

This was recently asked on the message boards of a site I hang out on by a person who is super awesome and near and dear to my heart. I responded there, but I decided I'd post my response here as well since amazingly enough, after 2+ years I don't have a single post on how to give a blowjob on this blog.

I'm queer, mostly dating genderqueer 'girls'/bois/trans, etc, but I will date born-men, too. It's just been less common. Since my last break up I've been on a man-bender, but oral sex is kinda personal...I haven't been with that many dudes and it's been years since I've given a blowjob on anything more than a dildo where it's the same in many ways, but different.

So tips for giving head! I know you have 'em. ...no teeth is a given, I'm not daft Go!

Enthusiasm is key. You have to actually enjoy doing it and want to do it. That always makes things hotter. Take time to look him in the eye and moan while you're sucking him off.

Start off a bit slow. Don't go right into the sucking. Lick and stroke his cock, getting it nice and slippery.

Use both hands and your mouth. Get everything into the action! Stroke his cock with one (lubed or saliva'd) hand like you're following the stripes on a barber pole, follow that hand with your mouth, and use the other one to play with his balls, perineum, and ass if he's willing. While you're doing this pay special attention to his frenulum, which is on the underside of the head of the penis. This is one of the most sensitive areas on most men.

To make it even more fun you can straddle his thigh while he lays on his back so that you can grind your cunt into his leg. Breasts brushing against body parts can also help. Really blow jobs are a whole body activity, but many women are only using their mouths.

Also, don't worry about slobbering. The more slobber the better. And most men seem to enjoy the slurpy noises that go along with it.

Keep in mind that these instructions are a jumping off point. Ultimately the most important part of pleasing your partner is paying attention. You have to pay attention to the way they react to you and what you're doing. Ask questions, experiment, and have fun. Everyone is different and that's what makes sex interesting.

(This question was originally asked by a cis-female, but the answer can be adapted to other genders as well. Rub whatever body parts your partner finds to be sexy on their body. Um ... not including your eyes ... unless you're both into that ...)

Harness/Dildo Recommendations

Gotta say that I love your blog even if I'm not necessarily the intended audience.

I've got another question. I'm the "Phil" who loves to use strapons with my wife (Men Wearing Strap-ons). There are lots of strapons on the market. Lately I've settled on the Alias 6 inch vibrating strapon, occasionally using Doc Johnson a 7" vibrating strapon. But I would like to spice it up a bit and get some variety.

What strapons do you suggest? The ones designed as "hollow" don't suit as I have no erectile issues and generally don't fit inside which results in a "floppy" or not solid dildo, so I generally stay away from ones designed for men. My partner likes about the 6-7inch mark but needs it to vibrate strongly. What are your picks?

There is no one who is not my intended audience. My hope is that everyone can learn at least one new thing by reading my blog. So believe it or not Phil, you are my intended audience. And I'm very happy that you love my blog.

There are indeed a lot of strap-ons on the market and you sir are using crappy quality ones. I'm sorry to say it, but you're really getting what you're paying for. The cheap materials and lack of versatility make for bad quality sex toys. You should actually probably be using condoms with those dildos if you aren't already. Seriously, you can't really be sure whats in them. The truth is that the sex toy industry is a mostly unregulated one. Sex toys are deemed novelty items and therefore not intended to be put in your body. Awful, right?

So I can give you my recommendations, but they may end up costing you a pretty penny. But the good news is that the stuff I can recommend is going to last you a lot longer, will be a lot more body safe, and more versatile.

You shouldn't buy a strap-on, you should buy a harness and a dildo which ends up equaling a strap-on. You should be purchasing a harness that is compatible with many dildos. That way you can vary the cocks without having to have a million and one harnesses. Also, its a lot easier to take care of them if you can separate them. And let me just say that vac-u-lock sucks. Lets just get that out there. They use crappy materials and its basically a trick so you only buy their products since only one company makes them. *breathes*

Okay, that's been said. Now what I would recommend for a male bodied individual would be the Commando Harness because it leaves room for your junk and because its super versatile and comfy. It comes with 2 different sized O-rings that will hold your super fantastic new strap-on dildo(s). Another option would be the Crown Harness which sits higher up and out of the way of your junk. This one comes with 3 different O-rings which will allow for quite the variety in size of dildo. Or, if you're anti-leather you can try the Velvet Harness. The cushy backplate comes off easily in order to accommodate more space for your junk. Plus its nylon so it will be a bit easier to take care of.

Now for dildos you really want to be looking for one made out of silicone. They are a bit pricier but they will last a looooong time. Some of them even have lifetime warranties. They're also non-porous which means bacteria won't harbor in them and it is a body safe material. This translates to you not needing to use a condom with these bad boys. They are a-ok! Some options of vibrating silicone dildos:

• Buzz is a sleek purple silicone dildo measuring 6.5"x1.5"
• Echo is textured for some more interesting sensations. Size-wise it is the same as Buzz
• Prince is also a smooth silicone dildo, but the hole in the bottom where the vibe goes is bigger than the previously mentioned ones, which makes this one more versatile for using with other vibrators. Prince is also the same size as the previous two.
  
• Pink Panther is a smooth silicone dildo that looks nothing like a cock if you're interested in that. It is also a bit shorter and thinner than the previous dildos measuring in at 6"x1.25"
• Leo is a bit heftier of a cock measuring in at 7.125"x1.5." Leo is a very popular model and resembles a penis a bit more than the other dildos I've mentioned so far. I feel like he may actually a bit girthier than the measurements say though.
  
• Woody is fabulous in red and also looks more like a real penis than some of the others. This guy is a pretty standard 6.5"x1.5"

  All of these dildos come with a vibrator although they're not particularly strong vibes. One of my fellow sex bloggers, Red, recently reviewed a really powerful bullet that is the same size as the standard watch battery vibe that comes with all the above dildos, but is more powerful. Check out her review here. The one thing to keep in mind though is that while it would be more convenient to pull the bullet out of the dildo by its cord, that will shorten its life by a lot so it is inadvisable.

The thing is, is that bullet vibe is extremely expensive. I honestly haven't seen any bullet vibes that are that pricey (granted I don't spend much time looking at bullet vibes), but it seems a bit ridiculous. So what I'm thinking is that the regular vibe that comes with the dildo might be okay if your wife held a vibe on her clit while you're doing her. Not too many women need strong vibrations in their vagina unless they're not receiving clitoral stimulation. There are tons of vibrators on the market so its difficult to give recommendations since I don't really know what your wife likes. But luckily Babeland has a great guide for choosing a vibrator. But let me know if you need any more specific recommendations.

Some News

You know I always like to keep you folks updated so I just wanted to share some news with you.

First, I was recently brought on to the XCritic team where I will be reviewing porn and the occasional sex toy. When I publish my reviews there I will give you a little tidbit and a link here so that you can read more if you're interested. The first porn flicks on my list are both Abby Winters.

Secondly, I was recently put on the list of reviewers for JT's Stockroom. I'm super excited about this because I hope they give me the chance to review items that are a bit more kinky and fetishy. There is one side note that I want to make about this. You may have noticed that I added both JT's Stockroom and Extreme Restraints to my sidebar. They both sell some sort of anal desensitizer and we all know that I am extremely against this. In fact this usually deters me from even promoting a site at all. However, I gave it some thought and decided that both sites offered entirely too many quality products that are difficult to find elsewhere. So please, if you visit either site, use caution and research what you are buying.

Finally, I will be starting to do some paid advertisement blogging here on my site. Now, I want everyone to know what this means exactly. I will never shill myself out for companies or products I don't agree with. I will never promote anything that I think causes harm. I will only ever write about products/companies the way I choose to write about them. I will never give anyone creative control over my blog. My blog has always been a labor of love, which specifically means I make almost no money doing this. The free stuff is great, but I really would like to make income here too. And most importantly, I will never spam you. So what this basically means is that companies will be paying me to promote their stuff, but I will be choosing what stuff to promote. And I will be choosing how to promote it. And so that you know that I was paid to do the write-up, there will be a disclaimer telling you that the company is sponsoring that particular post. But don't ignore it just because I was paid to do it. I really will be putting my heart and soul into those pieces as well as everything else I do on my blog.

That's all for now! Hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday season!

Granting Wishes

Just wanted to remind everyone that there is always time to grant your favorite sex bloggers their holiday wishes. Most of us work for free or next to nothing so its always nice to know we're appreciated since our blogs are a labor of love. So if you haven't done so yet, check out the following bloggers and grant them a wish if you can. Many gifts may not even require money. I've already filled several wishes for many of these lovely ladies.

• My list I also added a wishlist to JT's Stockroom in my sidebar.
• Epiphora
• Ashley
• Beautiful Dreamer
• Toygirl
• Essin’ Em
• Sara
• Cleofaye
• Saraid
• Dangerous Lilly
• Wilhelmina
• Scarlet Lotus
• Domina Doll
• Alley
• Sarahbear
• Juliettia
• Rose 

Then once you've gotten something for them, try to win something for yourself by entering the awesome FetLife contest where they have 217 prizes totaling close to $25,000. WANT!!

But I'm Not a Rapist

This is a rather late response to a few blogs. The reason is that I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to write on the topic, but then I couldn't stop thinking about it. So obviously I just need to get this out on the internets so that I can get it out of my head.

The blogs that sparked this post:

Britni is Shameless

Hubman's Hangout

There's really just one issue that I want to address here and that is this idea that men are offended when women say that they feel the need to look at every man as a potential rapist.

First of all, 1/3^rd of all women will be the victim of sexual assault in their lifetime (source pdf). Many of those women are assaulted more than once. That is a LOT of sexual assault. But you know that someone has to be assaulting these women. And we also know that men are the main perpetrators of violent crime (source). So logically, men are the ones assaulting these women. How come we never hear statistics of how many men are rapists? 1/3^rd of women are sexually assaulted, but what fraction of men are doing the assaulting? And since men commit the most violent crimes against each other, why aren't men more afraid of other men?

So considering how many women are assaulted and how men are almost always the perpetrators, isn't it just a survival tactic to be wary around men? And I think the biggest problem here is that we're more wary around men we don't know, which is a problem since its usually the ones we do know who attack us. Do we think all men are rapists? No, but its difficult to tell which ones are and which ones aren't. Sometimes its safer to assume that a man we just met is a rapist so that we take extra precautions.

One of the most powerful statements I've heard about this subject is actually from a man. I've posted the video on my blog here before, but to reiterate he says “Ask a woman in your life who you care about, how her life would be different if the threat of sexual assault didn't exist. And listen to what she says; don't talk just listen to what she says. Because you will see how constrained her life is.” I think that part of the reason that men may feel offended by our statements is because they don't really try to understand what women go through every day of their lives. I've never been outright raped or assaulted. Its actually difficult to define the sexual violations I've experienced because they don't follow the usual definitions. But needless to say, I have felt violated in many ways. And like most women, I live in constant fear. Its a fear that is ingrained within us from childhood. Talk to your female loved ones and really listen to what they have to say.

I don't think that men should be offended by the statement that every man is a potential rapist. The reaction: “Well, I'm not a rapist” is a way of blocking out the problem. Its a way of saying that its not your problem. As if the problem only lies with women and their rapists. We desperately need men to fight against rape along side of us. Instead of being offended and throwing up a wall, be shocked by the statement, understand it, and work to change it. If we are ever going to see an end to sexual assault we need men to help us.

What needs to be done is we need to change our culture. Instead of always telling women to protect themselves we need to understand that the culture encourages men to rape women. We need to stop blaming women for being assaulted. We need to change our views of sex, ownership, and gender. The onus needs to be placed on those who perpetuate a culture of violence and rape.

You may never have raped or assaulted a woman yourself, but have you made a joke about sexually or physically abusing a woman? Have you laughed at jokes like these that your friends tell? Or have you even just sat by being offended by what someone is saying about women, but you haven't spoken up? Has a woman told you that she has been sexually assaulted and you didn't believe her? Or maybe you thought that if only she wasn't such a slut/drunk/risk taker that maybe she wouldn't have gotten raped in the first place? Have you ever assumed that a woman bringing a rape case against a star athlete was just in it for the money? Have you ever offered a woman drinks in order to try to have sex with her? When a woman says no to sex, do you try to convince her otherwise or do you just let it go? When you have sex with a woman do you make sure that she is an engaged and active partner or is the lack of “no” enough consent for you? Have you ever catcalled a woman on the street? Have you ever felt entitled to have sex with a woman because you bought her something or took her out? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are guilty of participating in rape culture. And I guarantee you that most people will probably answer yes to at least one. No one is perfect, but we need to realize what we're doing and change it in order to eradicate rape from our society.

Recommended Resources:

Tough Guise

Men Can Stop Rape

Yes Means Yes

Men Against Sexual Violence
The National Organization for Men Against Sexism
One in Four
Jackson Katz

e[lust] #3

HNT Courtesy of 13Messages

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in the next edition? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

♦ This Week’s Top Three Posts ♦

Presence -  I wish that you would look at me now. I am willing you to look at me now, over her body, rocking with the motion of her mouth. But you do not.

Restraint – “Do you like what you see?” the blonde asks. “Are you excited by what’s before you?” the redhead enquires. He nods.

What Not to Fetishwear – DON’T wear a PVC sleeveless vest if you fall into the rotund category. You will look like a bowling ball. With chubby arms.

◊ e[lust] Editress ◊


Fucking for Art – The proximity of their nakedness and my scrutiny resulted in this beautiful agony of arousal for them both. I asked if they would feel comfortable doing some poses of vaginal penetration for me, and they readily agreed.


♦ Featured Post ♦

The Naked Truth – He didn’t just write a pretty story we could act out, he worked hard to delicately lay us out on the page together, as we are.

See also: Pleasurists #56 and #57 for all your sex toy review needs

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days.  Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Tricky Balls
Propaganda Sucks in All Directions
Wicked Grounds
Which Reindeer Sex Style Are You?
Five Tuesday: 2010 AVN Award Nominees

Kink & Fetish

Come what may..
While I waited
Caning Before the Movies
Say…
Savoring Submission
The Ruler
Give In
Flagging brown
The Mummy Returns
Finding Power Through Play
Marked
Microfantasy Monday 24

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Spanksgiving
Wife Unsure About Sex With Others
Morning
Thought Provoked
December: Month of the Rant
Less is More
That’s My Cervix!
Femme Invisibility
Are You Just Kinky or Is It a Lifestyle
Baby Steps and Giant Leaps
Cyber Sex

Erotic Writing

Friends with Benefits
Prolific
The Tease
Cock. Confession #386
Shower
Cal’s wisdom
Blinded and Bound
The Little Things…
lust
The Witness
Quiet and Still
Giving and Receiving
Beasts in the Bathroom
Fixation: Touch
The Pussy Eating Challenge
An Oceans Release part 1
MFM: Etiquette
Office Party
Daydreams & Distractions Droit de Cuissage
Tant pis
Toys, toys, toys
Revenge (Pt. 1)
Gush
Claiming: Assume the Position
Painting

Thigh Harness Review

Babeland sent me a thigh harness ages ago! I swear I haven't been slacking. Its just taken me awhile to figure out how I like to use it. Because at first it just wasn't doing it for me, but with something that is so extremely different from what you are used to, it can be totally worth it to continue exploring until you figure it out.

The thigh harness is made by Sportsheets out of neoprene. To use it, the wearer slips a dildo through the hole from the underside and then wraps the harness around their thigh, securing it with velcro. And then a happy person takes that cock for a ride.

Downsides:

• Only comes in one size so if you're a bigger person you may find it difficult to wear. My thigh is 26 inches and I wasn't able to wear the harness as high up as I would've liked.

• Can wear on the knees to have someone bouncing up and down on your leg really hard.

• Doesn't protrude from the crotchal parts so there is no real genital stimulation going on from the cock riding.

Upsides:

• Doesn't protrude from the crotchal parts so you are left wide open for your partner's hands or whatever to be stimulated by them.

• Great for those with limited movement or hard to reach crotchal areas. In other words, if you're fucking in a wheelchair, sometimes its easier to hop up and down on their thigh than try to figure out where your legs go in order to get you to their pelvis.

• Great for men with ED or who have a lady/man who just plum wears them out and they need a cock substitute.

• Can be totally hot to watch your partner get him/herself off while you watch!

• You can wear one on each thigh and please two people at once!

• Its machine washable.

So when I first tried this harness out I was disappointed, but that's because I found that I didn't like to use it in traditional pelvis harness ways. It actually feels a little ridiculous some of the time. Especially if the wearer is on top and just moving their leg back and forth. One just longs for the crotch stimulation for the wearer as well.

But then I gave it some thought and decided to try it during Domination/submission play. That turned out to be more my style! There are times when I don't allow any access to my body to my sub except for my feet … if she begs. By having her ride my thigh, there is the guarantee that I won't be getting any physical stimulation, although plenty of mental. And it affords me the luxury of having to do less work with my arthritic hands. Because it can be difficult to fuck someone with a dildo or your hand after you've just spent time beating them.

So if you decide to try out the thigh harness, don't give up. Try it with different positions and different types of play. I bet you'll be able to find a way to incorporate it and make sex more fun.

Pleasurists #56

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The Decade in Porn

There is a fantastic interview with Courtney Trouble over on Fleshbot: The Decade in Porn: Courtney Trouble Looks Back On 2000-2009.

Check it out! She talks about how the internet and pornographers like her are changing porn. And it has sexy adorable pics like this one:

FemBlossom Heat Review

Its been many many months since Emotional Bliss sent me the Femblossom Heat to review. What took so long? They could not find any of the information I requested and I kept holding out in case they did end up finding it. But we'll get to that in a minute.

First, the specifications:

The Femblossom Heat is a rechargeable plastic vibe that covers the entirety of your vulva so that it can vibrate not just your clit, but your labia as well. It has 9 different speeds and patterns and along with those comes different levels of heat. It has a power button and up and down buttons so that you can peruse the different intensities. It also features an anti-bacterial agent that activates with water so that it can be uber clean.

When I had read about this magical heating up of the vibrator I had my doubts. After all, my Hitachi heats up if it takes me a long time to cum. I just assumed that this was going to be the case with this toy as well. The instructions, which told me to leave the toy running on its own for a few minutes before use, made me skeptical. Turned out I was wrong. The heat was specifically targeted on the areas that would be hitting my vulva and not on the rest. My hand would not overheat! Now if only they had made it so that you could control the level of heat without also changing the intensity of vibration. Its no secret that I like a super strong vibe, but it turns out that while I really really like heat (unlike cold), I don't like it to be super hot. I felt like the toy was going to burn my clit off! Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but still! I'd like some control over both heat and vibe intensity. Because of this issue it couldn't get me off . However, it was a great warm up (pun fully intended) to the Hitachi.

Another issue I had with this toy is that it felt awkward in my hand and the controls seemed a bit unintuitive. Granted, if this was a great vibe I would take the time to learn the controls and damn the awkwardness in hand! I mean seriously, the Hitachi is extremely heavy and bulky, but I rarely complain about how it feels in hand.

And then there's the name! Femblossom? They also make a toy called the Womolia. *Wretch* Is this second wave feminism back in full force? Did I fall into a time warp? Its just all so 'love and embrace your womanhood.' And while I agree with that mentality, I don't feel the need to talk about masturbation as "emotional bliss." I masturbate, I fuck myself, I cum. Emotions need not apply. Maybe I'm just too blunt for the flowery words. They just don't appeal to me. I feel like the names are targeting a much older audience. You know, like my mom.

But one of the biggest issues I had, and the reason that this review took so long, was because of this anti-bacterial agent business. Supposedly when water hits it it magically acts to kill all bacteria. They say they have studies to back this up. However, when I requested information from them about these studies or even access to the studies themselves I got nothing. They apparently couldn't locate them. What I want to know is what this magical material is. Does it emit any sort of chemicals when it is in contact with wetness? Because you know my vag gets pretty wet at times. I just can't endorse a product if I don't know how it works and how safe it is.

The truth is that I really wanted to like this toy despite the awful name (it wouldn't be the first to have one and at least they were trying) and the fears of overheating. I was pretty excited when they contacted me to try it out. I had read some reviews of the Femblossom before and they made it sound pretty awesome. I'd had my eye on it. I like it when my entire vulva is vibrated and I love heat. Plus there's the rechargeable factor which is pretty awesome and with the high price tag I assumed this was going to be a pretty awesome luxury type toy. Call me disappointed.

e[lust] #2

Photo courtesy of Twisted Monk

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you're looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you're going to find it here. Want to be included in the next edition? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site's sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

♦ This Week's Top Three Posts ♦

The Heart of Darkness - "I swear that man can sense my fear like a hound scenting a rabbit, and just like the hound, his blood rises to it."

Forever... - "Forever is a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s not a magic spell."

His First Fuck - "He stood there, obviously nervous, obviously aroused by what he had been witness to seconds earlier."

◊ e[lust] Editress ◊

I Dare You - "Aided by our clutches of printed papers, me hiding my nipples that could cut glass and him hiding the hard bulge in his dress pants, we scurried back to our cubes where the messages flew back and forth."

♦ Featured Post ♦

Who am I? - "I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life and couldn’t fit it all on one piece of poster board."


See also: Pleasurists #55 for all your sex toy review needs

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

♦ Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships ♦

First. Confession #380
In Defense of Squirting
Forever...
Gender, Buck Angel, and Me
G Spot Orgasms: It's all about the clitoris
Spitroast
They May be Bi, But They're Still Boys
Why I Sometimes Fake Orgasms
Wonderland: The British in Bed

♦ Kink & Fetish ♦

The Workout (fiction)
I Am Not Clark Kent
Caning
Lips Parted
Curve
She brought her own toys
Rope Bondage: Hemp vs. Mfp
Phew! Another Hole
Hearts
My virginity and how I lost it..
Gift
Spicing it up: Bondage Materials

♦ Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor ♦

20 Questions with Cyd
This Ain't No Disney
A Thank You Note
Vegas Virgins
Sex and Happiness

♦ Erotic Writing ♦

1 Full Body Massage / 1 Happy Ending
The Slut Chronicles #7 ~ I Said No
To Do List
the date
And Your Hands and Your Lips and Your Tongue Tricks
Oh Fuuuck
I Get Around
Sometimes, Love Hurts
In The Dark
Making Up
Quickie - A Good Girl
What I Want You To Do To Me
Hitachi Fun
Her Curves
Carnal
marks she left
Wicked Wednesday: I Love Watching You Watching Me
Birthday Boy
Fucking & Making Love
Thy Mother and Thy Father: A Vodoun Love Spell
What Just Happened?
Happy Birthday Me
What Cums Around

Wife Unsure About Sex With Others

My partner and I have been together for about 15 years. We have a secure and trusting relationship. We've talked about her sleeping with another person (man or woman) off and on for a couple of years. I'm absolutely fine with it. In fact it turns me on a bit. But she is still reluctant. She wants to but she still thinks I might not be okay with it afterwords. What steps can I take to reassure her that it's fine with me? I don't see sex as cheating. Or is it me that's wrong? What are the steps we can take to go down this path?

We don't have kids – if that makes a difference.

Let me start off by saying that kids don't make a lick of difference here.

Okay now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd say that in general you guys are taking the right steps. There's obviously been a lot of communication, which is supremely important if you're thinking about opening up your relationship. And what there needs to be more of also is communication. Its not surprising that she is worried about how you will react afterwords. She obviously values your relationship a great deal and doesn't want to screw it up. Traditionally, sex outside of relationships has been known to screw things up. But it doesn't have to be that way.

So how much more communication can there be? How about instead of trying to convince her that you'll be okay after she sleeps with someone else, you move the topic to how you both plan on checking in with each other after she does. There is the possibility that you may feel ways that you don't expect to feel and if you're both prepared with how to deal with those feelings then the more likely this will all go smoothly. Talk about jealousy. Talk about what things you only want her to do with you. But make sure that before she has sex with someone else that you set up an appointment with each other for afterwords to check in on how you're both feeling.

Before you both dive into the deep end I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up, which is about all kinds of open relationships. It will help you to set ground rules between the both of you (including having her always use protection!!) and help guide you through the process. She also has a website where you can talk to other people going through the same issues you are and even find local support communities.

Whether or not sex is cheating really depends on the people in the relationship. There are a lot of people in open relationships who definitely wouldn't consider sex with others to be cheating as long as their partner was being honest about it. Some couples may be okay with vaginal sex outside of the relationship but reserve anal for each other. And then there are other couples who consider viewing pornography as cheating. So its all really up to the couple to decide and discuss. Just remember to communicate and be safe.

In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can't live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn't real. Most people don't look like that and most people don't fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you'll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah ... Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don't feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can't seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They've read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can't get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they've been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn't do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn't feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn't shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn't work for you don't despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman's pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn't even had an orgasm - I wasn't orgasming with partners yet. I also didn't know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn't pee- it didn't smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body's way of saying "Ok enough already jeez!"

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I'd orgasm I'd ejaculate. I didn't know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn't peeing, but I didn't really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn't super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then ... I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don't miss is the clean-up. But that wasn't really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people's bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that's fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean you shouldn't be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intelligent debate that doesn't devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

Pleasurists #55

pull by aeric meredith goujon
Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days.  For updates and information follow our RSS Feed  and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #54?  Read it all here.  Do you have a review for Pleasurists #56?  Use our submission form and submit it before Sunday November 29th at 11:59pm PST. Be sure to read our submission guidelines.

Want to win some free swag?  All you’ve got to do is enter.

• What Are You Thankful For? Deadline: November 26th.
• ToyDemon.com Gift Certificate Giveaway Deadline: November 30th @ noon Eastern.
• The S Spot Sexy Short Story Contest! Deadline: November 30th.
• Luxury Sex Toy Scavenger Hunt Deadline: December 12th @ midnight Pacific.
• Tons of Glass Contest! Deadline: December 27th @ 11:59 Eastern.

Looking for something other than reviews?

The latest (and first) edition! e[lust] #1

Editor’s Pick

• LELO Elise by Scintillectual

Remember when I said I was on hiatus from relationships? Well, I lied. I know, I know! I can hear my friends railing now about the fact that I jump into things too quickly and yes, she has already moved in with me. But, really, I do think she’s THE ONE. Before you get all hot and bothered, let me introduce you. Dear reader, this is LELO Elise.

Note: Apparently I’m loving LELO reviews again this month (last week’s EP was LELO Ella)! I’ve read many many Elise reviews so they have to be special in order for them to catch my eye or make me want to finish them, and this one is written in an extremely entertaining manner so even if you’re burned out on LELO reviews like I thought I was it’s definitely worth the read.

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

• Mini Gallant by Dani Darling
• Thumbelina by Undressed Reviews
• Cal Exotics Spellbound “G” by Alley
• OhMiBod Club Vibe by Mystyfi
• Lovemoiselle Cecile by Laurel
• Jimmyjane Iconic Bullet by Sexorcism

Dildos

• Colorful Spiral Wrapped G-Spot Wonder by Melen’s Rayne
• Zodiac by Joanna Cake
• Fun Factory Curve by Curvaceous Dee
• Jollies Thrust by Carrie Ann
• Tantus Alumina Flow by Carrie Ann
• Purple Rain Wand by Kyle Jones

Toys for Cocks

• Tenga Flip Hole by Tales from the Porn Store

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Jimmy Jane’s Contour M + Afterglow Sensory Set by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Bare Essence Gift Box by Dangerous Lilly
• System JO Aroma Mist by Alley
• Root Beer Fizz Lube by Tales from the Porn Store
• Sliquid Organics Stimulating O Gel by Lady Evyl
• Flower Balm by Garnet Joyce
• Sliquid Organics Stimulating O Gel by Sexorcism

BDSM/Fetish

• Spartacus Wide Tip Bat by Wilhelmina Wang
• Leatherbeaten Bondage Kit by Melen’s Rayne
• Silk Scarf Restraints by Sommer Marsden
• Slave Utility Wrist Cuffs by Mistress Kay

Adult Books/Games

• Anneke Jacob’s As She’s Told by Nadia West
• Frenzy – 60 Stories of Sudden Sex by Dangerous Lilly
• The Art of Sensual Female Dominance by Mistress Kay

Adult Movies/Porn

• Blacklight Beauty by Saraid
• Nina Hartley’s Guide to the Ultimate Sex Party by The Duchess
• Impure Hunger by J.D. Bauchery
• Glamour Smoke by FrzKey
• Deep In The Vivid Vaults by The Porn Librarian
• The Masseuse by J.D. Bauchery
• Haitoku No Shojo – Girl of Debauchery by FrzKey

Lingerie

• Industrial Net Stockings by Valyn

Miscellaneous

• Sportsheets Chest Harness & Dildo by Dragon Mage
• KinkAcademy.com by Dangerous Lilly

P Style or How I learned to Pee Standing Up

I've always wanted to be able to pee standing up. I actually tried doing it before without any special devices. The way you do this is to spread your inner labia, shift your pelvis forward a bit, and push with your PC muscles. I'd gotten decent at it while practicing in the shower. I'd even gotten to the point where I could aim for the drain. But the thing with me and learning how to do things with my body is that I start off pretty good at stuff and then its all downhill. I don't know if I become cocky or if I over think it or what exactly happens, but I just lose the ability over time. It totally sucks! So after finally getting good enough to move my skills from the shower to the toilet, I lost the ability to pee standing up. How frustrating!


The good news is that Babeland sent me a stand to pee (STP) device called a P Style. The P Style is a curled piece of plastic that is 7.5" long and comes in different colors (mine came in orange) and acts as a sort of funnel for your urine.


The P Style manufacturers highly recommend that you start by practicing in the shower. I'm glad I did as the first time didn't go exactly as planned. The way that the P Style works is you hold it just below your urethra, bend your legs a bit, and push out using your PC muscles. Well apparently I didn't put it quite in the right spot the first time as some urine escaped down my leg. Luckily my vaginal muscles are like steel and I held the pee in while I repositioned the P Style. That did the trick! I still wasn't really comfortable with going for the toilet after that so I tried it in the shower a few more times until I felt confident. Because really it is incredibly difficult to pee if you're not feeling confident about your ability to get it in the toilet.


I gave it to my wife for a spin as well and she did it perfectly on her first try. She didn't even want me to give her instructions or anything. She just went. Oh how I envy her abilities.


So then, once I'd felt that I mastered the shower I tried peeing with the P Style while sitting down on the toilet just to get the feel of it. That turned out to be a HUGE mistake! Apparently when I sit down to pee my urine just goes everywhere. It didn't help that I had to go really really badly. So I ended up with a very wet hand. OK, lesson learned! The next few times I used the P Style while standing up in front of the toilet, but moved the bathroom rug and took off my pants because I didn't want anything to get pee soaked. The first time didn't go so great. I felt a drop or two drip down and so clamped down and sat to finish the job. However, since then it has been smooth sailing! I've even gotten to the point where I'm comfortable enough to have my pants only half way down. Soon enough I'm hoping to be able to keep my pants on and go.


Now I know you're probably asking yourself, “but how do you wipe?” I know I got that question a couple times when I was twittering about it. You don't need to! Because the stream is focused, the only piss that gets on you is just right around your urethra. So when you're done peeing you slide the P Style up against your vulva catching any of the leftover drops and you're done. No need for toilet paper! Think of the money you'll save on TP!


Now what I'm really curious about is how the P Style will hold up to the new popularity of the GoGirl. They both seem to have their pros and cons, but I haven't tried the latter so I can't really attest to either. But from what I've read and looked at I'd say that the GoGirl seems to be a bit better for traveling as it is made out of a flexible silicone material instead of hard plastic meaning you can easily fold up the GoGirl and you don't have to worry about it snapping in half in your pocket. The GoGirl is also cheaper. However, you still need toilet paper to use the GoGirl and its definitely marketed more towards women and girls (its bright pink!) whereas the P Style seems to be marketed more towards cis-women, trans-men, and genderqueer folks. So we'll see how they battle it out.


Overall, I think the P Style is great, but I do really wish that it would be a bit easier to travel with since you'll need it most when you're out in the world with either no toilets or only really disgusting toilets around. I swear I saw some P Style carriers somewhere on the internets, but now I can't find them. Anyone know? Link in the comments.

Last Days of the Contest

Hey everyone just a heads up to let you all know that today and tomorrow are the last days to enter the porn contest so enter! Even if you entered already and didn't win you can enter again until you do. Its been super easy to win as not that many people have been entering so if you do it you have a VERY good chance of winning a free hour of porn.

Details about entering via Twitter
Details about entering via Facebook

In Which I Assess My Future

I've done a lot of thinking lately about what I want out of this upcoming move. Originally this move was going to serve as a vehicle for going to school out in the Bay Area. But I've really been giving this some thought lately. I realized that school wasn't really about furthering my education or widening my opportunities. I was using it as an excuse to stall longer and to network. Sure I knew I'd learn stuff, but I don't think school is really the answer right now. This is not to say that I won't ever go back to school, but for right now it is on hold. And lets face it, unlike undergrad, grad school is not that easy to get out of if you feel like you're not in the right area or school. I hate research. HATE IT! So why was I planning on going to a research university?

So I've reassessed the situation. I'm going to use this upcoming move as a way to start over in my life. I do not want to work in accounting. This was never my goal in life. So after Chicago, accounting is done. As long as I can get domestic partnership benefits through my wife's job I can do what I want! All things considered, this seems very possible for everything she does in the future as long as she stays in her field.

So what do I want to do? Well to start things off, I want to start doing phone sex/advice. I think I need to get back to my sex worker roots. And I need to make money. So I think that will be a good option for me. I'll even get a landline because I despise talking on my cellphone. They're pretty cheap these days through the internets. On top of that I want to get a part time job. Something in non-profit maybe. Definitely something that focuses on sex, sexuality, gender, and education. Hellz to the yes for rewarding jobs! These two things will keep me more focused in my field and hopefully allow me to be more productive with following my career path. I plan to keep up my blog, try to get speaking/teaching gigs, spend a lot of time writing (including my porno screenplay), and I would love to start making porn (writing, directing, and producing). Of course I don't expect everything will go perfectly as planned so I will take whatever comes along that looks like it will make me happy.

The bay area is still the best place to be doing all this in my opinion. There are just way more opportunities out there. However, because I no longer have the requirement of school I also don't have the total final say about where we live. The wife has been really limiting herself to where she'll be able to do post doctoral work by only looking in one place. Its still the number one choice, but there are other possibilities in other places where I may still be able to find community and inspiration. Seattle and Portland, OR are both somewhat on the table. But really, I feel like Oakland/San Francisco are the place for me to be. But we shall see what happens.

I feel really good about this decision. Bring on the future!

Holiday Wishlist

Okay stole this from Essin 'Em after I promised to fulfill at least part of one of her wishes. I figured, why not? Maybe someone will have something to spare that I want/need. And I'm happy to try to fill your wishes as well if you link to a similar post. If you are interested in fulfilling one of my wishes email me at garnetjoyce@gmail.com.

Step One
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered…whatever you’re comfortable with) to your LJ or Myspace or Blog. The important thing is to make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it’s your address or just an email address at which you can be contacted by potential wish-grantors, real or imaginary.
- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your post, so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two
- Surf around your friends list/blogroll/RSS feeds (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list.
- If you see a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make someone’s wish come true. Sometimes someone’s trash is another’s treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you won’t use–or even know where you could get someone’s dream purebred Basset Hound for free–do it.

You needn’t spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn’t to put people out, it’s to provide everyone a chance to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not–it’s your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just…wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you’ll have the joy of knowing you made someone’s holiday special.

So here's what I wish for:

1. An e-stim starter kit. Midori suggested we give electricity play a try since it will cause pain without hurting my arthritic hands the way beating my wife does.

2. A second hitachi because my wife apparently needs one on her side of the bed too so she doesn't scare the crap out of me when she wakes me up in the middle of the night looming over me trying to get the cord over my head without waking me.

3. Free advertising/marketing advice for my blog. I just don't have the time, energy, or know-it-all for this stuff and I could really use some help. I'd love to get my blog out more so I can gain a larger audience.

4. I'd love a copy of Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink by Midori.

5. Book covers in different size so people can't see what I'm reading on my lunch break or my commutes to and from work.

6. A variety of flavored hot chocolates (bonus for white hot chocolate!) Noms!

7. Acupuncture: I've been meaning to try this for my arthritis, but haven't gotten around to it. Also, it can be pretty pricey. I know of a couple places that do it on a sliding scale though.

8. A recumbent stationary bike. Once again trying another way that I can exercise without hurting my arthritis. So many ways have failed me.

9. Awesome friends in the Bay Area that are in the sex ed/porn biz that can help me get started and who are just cool to hang out with.

10. A trip to Stockholm/London/Paris/Rome/Berlin etc. because I've never been out of the country and would really really like to travel Europe. I'd even be willing to start with Canada ;)

11. Women's black trouser socks. I swear no matter how many pairs I buy they all disappear soon after!

12. Giftcards to Target/Torrid/Amazon/Peapod/JT's Stockroom

13. A spreader bar ... If you know what that is I think its pretty self-explanatory.

14. A Lelo Gigi because she's so sexy and I really want to take her for a spin.

15. A pedicure at Nails.com. No, its not a website, but a nail salon in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago. They are the best though with their massage chairs!

16. A copy of a book that you think I'd really like.

17. A USB drive.

18. Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex