The Answer to UTIs?

Several months ago a woman wrote to me about her problems with getting Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) after sex and I answered to the best of my ability in this blog entry. This is actually a relatively common problem that is often asked of sex educators and doctors. One woman who experiences this problem recently wrote in to Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross saying that she's found the solution. She highly recommends Waterfall D-Mannose. So for those of you out there who are still having a difficult time with UTIs, this might be your answer. Check it out, do the research, and maybe give it a try. I'd love to hear from anyone who has tried this stuff. Does it really work?

Slipping Out

Dear Garnet Joyce,

I am a gay male who is having sex (safe of course) with another man. I am on the receiving end of the sex, if you understand. When I am having anal sex with my guy, he frequently slips out. Why does this happen? It happens a few times each session. Are there any ways I can prevent this from happening?

I'd say that this other man that you're having sex with sounds like he thinks his dick is longer than it is. So he keeps pulling out further than he should and pops out. The best solution I can give you is to talk to him about making his thrusts a bit on the shorter side and maybe deeper (but only if deeper feels good for you). If he's new to this or you're new to having sex together it may take a bit for you guys to get the swing of things, but after some practice it will go more smoothly. And I'm glad to hear you're using protection!

Homophobia and the Media

I really enjoy watching the media tackle homophobia (especially since most of the time it seems to just support the status quo) and here are two recent examples that made me happy.

Staff writer at the Washington Post, Hank Stuever, tackles the question "Why can't a kiss just be a kiss?". It is about the obsession of asking straight male actors about their onscreen gay kisses and their often homophobic responses. Apparently a straight man kissing another man is so disgusting that it makes actors oscar worthy if they do it.

And here is another example that just ... well tickled me pink. I mean I've always loved John Stewart, but now I have an even bigger reason to love him. Watch as he asks Mike Huckabee about same-sex marriage.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Awesome, right?

Aneros Helix

I found a great new male reviewer for AskGarnet.com and I'm sooo happy about it! His name is Clix and he is very open minded sexually, a great writer, and takes fantastic pictures of cute naked girls. So he will be reviewing all those items which I cannot. His first task was the Aneros Helix and he was very up to the challenge! Read on to find out what he thought.

To the average American male, the idea of, to be crass, shoving something up your ass for sexual pleasure is pretty much out of the question. Much to the benefit of my range of erotic expression and capacity for pleasure, I am not the average American male.

When the opportunity to write a review of the Aneros Helix came up, I couldn't have been more excited. I have for, as long as I can remember, been a proponent of anal/prostate stimulation, and I had heard nothing but amazing things about the toy. Without a bit of exaggeration, I can say the moment the package arrived, I tore it open, grabbed my trusty bottle of Eros, and got to work.

The shape of the Helix is rather striking, and at a glance you can tell it means business. The plastic construction is smooth enough, and has a refined finish with none of the icky seams that plague some of the cheaper varieties of toys on the market. Despite being pretty familiar with the operation of most sex toys, I read the instructions on the box. The basic gist of the guide was, “relax, lubricate, insert, relax more, work muscles while relaxing.” Ok... so... I got it... relax... So I followed the instructions, mostly. I went to my whacking sanctuary, lubricated it, and slid it into place, making sure the perineum stimulator nudged up nicely, and started flexing my PC muscles.

According to many forums, and much of the literature I'd read, the Aneros line of toys is supposed to allow for the elusive hands free orgasm for males. I experimented for about a half-hour with flexing at different frequencies and strengths, and then relinquishing control to natural reflexes. Given enough patience, I was sure that I could achieve it, but eagerness was the word of the moment so I quickly let my hands in on the action. Normally a good whack will take me 20-30 minutes to finish. Not this time. About 5 minutes (judging by the fact that a single track on my EDM playlist had gone by) passed, and I was already feeling the tell-tale twitches. Not since first discovering auto-eroticism do I remember climaxing so fast or with such force, and I'm not sure I've ever ejaculated with the volume I achieved. Even before I came, I noticed I was dribbling pre-cum like a broken faucet loses water, but even that was nothing compared to the torrents I blasted.

Over the next week of testing, I was delighted to find that my new tool, unlike regular masturbation, did not become less fun or impressive with each usage, but rather, the more I learned to control it, the more useful and powerful it became. Sadly, I never found the hands free orgasm, but I was able to get myself almost to the point of no return several times and it would take less than 5 minutes with added penile stimulation to achieve.

As far as INTRApersonal activities go, the Helix proved it was more than formidable, but it also managed to shine when used with a partner. Overcoming initial apprehension with a partner who may be less open minded than a person willing to try the helix may take some effort, but is well worth it. Having the additional sensory input driving you will definitely have an impact on your performance. Aneros now has two official fans in this household.

All told the helix has nothing but good points to remark on. The size is enough to feel filling, but not large enough to be intimidating to anal amateurs. The only prohibitive factor I can possibly see in the helix is the retail price which hovers around $75. Some may see this as a bit of a high price for a toy that doesn't vibrate, light up, or cook you breakfast. It is, with complete certainty I assure you, worth every dollar. Pick one up as soon as possible, your pent up sexual energy that previously had no way to be realized will thank you.

Oddest Searches November 2008

And now for the oddest searches of November 2008 in no particular order:

- stuck anus lube (You're not supposed to use the bottle, just the lube inside)
- gauged ear sex (Hey if that's your thing that's cool, but it kind of gives me the heebie jeebies)
- my nipples get hard when touched (Don't most people's?)
- qvqa (OMG really!?!? How many cocks can one shove into a woman?)
- email squirting (Maybe you should contact your ISP about this one. I don't think your email is supposed to squirt.)
- how to tell if your wife likes bdsm (You could just ask her)
- silicone lube fire play fetish (this sounds really dangerous)

Giving Thanks to the Voices

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful for sex toys, obviously. Love 'em!

I'm also always thankful for those who speak out; those who give voice to their pain and oppression. It helps others in those same positions to know that they are not alone and that they too can fight. It is never easy, but it is always important. An old friend of mine sent me a link to her blog, Never Another Woman and I found it to be very powerful. She talks about how she was abused by her husband, but not in the ways that we usually think of. When most people think of domestic violence they think of Lifetime movies where the women are physically knocked around and possibly sexually abused as well. This woman was, and many men and women are and were, in a controlling, verbally abusive relationship. She speaks out about how he made her feel worthless and crazy. He made her feel like she was a bad mother and an awful wife. He separated her from all of her support networks so that she had no one to turn to. And because this kind of abuse was psychological in nature, she felt it was all her fault; she felt she deserved it.

But now she is speaking out. She is one small voice on the internet, but she is a powerful one. In telling her story she is able to reach out to many more people who are in the same position and to others who may not know about these kinds of abuse. What she is doing is important and risky.

So pass the link on. Pass on her story. You never know who it might help. She also has links to resources for domestic abuse and even has some forums set up for people to talk about the issues she addresses.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

BDSM Warm Ups

My wife and I want to get more into bondage and S&M but she keeps telling me I need to warm up more and her explanations on how to do so don't really help. Any reference sources or tips you could give would really help.

The thing I love about BDSM more than anything is the dedication to communication that many in the scene have. I wish that everyone communicated as much and as well as people in the BDSM scene. Boundaries, expectations, likes and dislikes, safe words, and consent are all often discussed before any type of sex play starts. If everyone was committed to communication like this we'd be a lot happier and more satisfied.

So when you tell me that her explanations aren't helping I have to wonder where the communication is suffering. Is she not willing to give all the details of what she wants? Many are afraid to ask for what they want, often assuming that their partner should just know how to please them and then ending up disappointed when it doesn't go the way they wanted it to. Or are you not asking adequate questions? Don't be afraid to ask her what she means or even to have her demonstrate on you so you can get a clearer picture.

I can't really tell you what it is that she wants you to do or give you a clearer explanation. Heck you didn't even tell me if she was a top or a bottom. But I did learn a lot of things at a recent workshop I attended at Early to Bed taught by the beautiful and talented Mistress Crimson.

She suggested that warming up a bottom should include literally warming them up by getting their blood flowing. This can decrease pain and bruising. Some examples she gave included massaging the areas you will be smacking around and light slapping with your hand or a riding crop.

As for warming up a top - and yes, tops need to be warmed up as well - its all about setting the mood. It can be difficult for a top to go from romantic dinner out on the town to tying up and spanking their partner. Sure the bottom is ready, willing, and able, but the top often feels a need to transition. Mistress Crimson suggested putting on a CD or a certain outfit that signifies playtime and makes you feel sexy and powerful.

So maybe your wife means something like that? Or maybe she means she needs a psychological warm up. Some people need to feel free to enter a different place when they are going to be doing a BDSM scene. They may just need to zone out or they may want to play a part like evil headmistress or naughty schoolgirl.

So really my advice is to talk some more. Try to figure out what it is your wife really wants and if you don't understand, ask questions. And if she doesn't want to tell you, point out that you cannot read her mind, but really want to be able to please her.

Prop H8 and Sex Toy Sales

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

VOTE!!

Don't forget to vote today!

And if you're in California, vote against proposition 4 and 8.
If you're in Florida, vote against amendment 2.
If you're in Arizona, vote against proposition 102.
If you're in Arkansas, vote against act 1.
If you're in Connecticut, vote against question 1.
If you're in Colorado, vote against amendment 46 and 48.
If you're in South Dakota, vote against measure 11.
If you're in Oregon, vote against measure 58.
If you're in Nebraska, vote against initiative 424.

Hate and intolerance are never a good thing. For more information on ballot measures in your state, visit CNN.com

Oddest Searches October 2008

And now for the oddest searches of October 2008 in no particular order:

- female ejaculation contest - now that sounds like fun!
- ask the doctor is female ejaculation real - your doctor may not know the answer, but I do!
- female ejaculation feels like pee but can't squirt - I'm just not even sure what that means
- dep fisting - I'm sure my friend dep who designed this site would be interested to know that people want to fist him ... or maybe they meant to type deep
- nipple play naked men labia - this seems to just be a string of sexy words with no real search in mind
- great looking nipples on sexy ladies - This one isn't odd, I just like it.
- douching fetishes - this one kind of scares me because its not healthy
- old people with gauged ears - is this a new fetish I haven't heard of?
- stocking fetish mental problem? - i love how this one ends with a question mark. And no, you probably don't have a mental problem.

Afterglow Sex Toy Wipes

I usually try to steer people away from using sex toy cleaning sprays and wipes. Its just as easy to use soap and water, better for the environment, and more effective at cleaning your toys. Its not like these sprays and wipes have magical ingredients that somehow clean your toys better. And if you're sensitive, they could actually make things worse for you by having ingredients in them that could actually cause infections or allergic reactions. So before you use a sex toy go wash it.

However, I also realize that there are times when soap and water might not be very convenient. So there are times when these things can actually come in handy. Lets say you're camping and there's no running water nearby or you live with your parents and it might not be a convenient time to skip off to the bathroom, sex toy in hand for the world to see.

You should also actually wash your toys after you use them and before you put them away. And this is where I really understand the laziness factor. You just had a mind blowing orgasm and all you want to do is pass out, the last thing you want to do is get your naked ass out of bed to go clean your toy even though you know that it will prolong its life. You especially know that if you used an anal toy that it is rather gross to be leaving something like that around, what with the possibility of e coli.

So there are definitely times when toy wipes can be a really good idea. And that is why I was very happy when Babeland sent me Afterglow Tissues. These are great for those times when you just can't make it to the bathroom to wash your toys. They're also great for getting all those sex juices and lube off of your hands and other body parts.

One thing I have to add though is that you should also be cleaning your toys with soap and water. These wipes really are only for those in between times when your toy has already been cleaned, but its been sitting in your drawer attracting cat fur and lint (and if you own a silicone dildos and a cat you know that this can happen just in the walk from the bathroom). Don't expect these wipes to do the job each and every time. Find the time to clean your toys on a regular basis.

Buy Porn and Fight Inequality!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cock Rings

Hi! A friend just turned me onto your site and it's already been really helpful! But I noticed that you don't seem to have any entries about cock rings... I've seen some in stores that are stretchy, others that are leather, but what do you think is best? Also, I used to think that cock rings were just for keeping a man from cumming, but apparently there's more to it than that? Please, enlighten me!

Cock Curious

I'm glad you're enjoying the site and thanks so much for the question. To all of you readers out there, if you think there is something missing from my blog, please don't hesitate to send an email letting me know what you'd like to see more of.

Yes, cock rings can help to keep a man from ejaculating as soon as he might normally, but they also have lots and lots of other uses too! And they also come in a number of different materials from stretchy jellies and elastomers to rigid rubber and steel.

My boss over at Early to Bed recently made a video about cock rings so I figured that would be a great way to share the info you're looking for.



There are a couple things I would like to add to what she said. First of all, the leather vibrating cock ring she shows can also be used around the testicles as well as the shaft.

Also, a great beginner cock ring is this bolo tie style cock ring. It is really easy to put on and adjust and is pretty inexpensive. It is a great way for men to figure out if they like cock rings or not.

Finally, I'd like to add that there is one more use for cock rings not mentioned by my boss. Sure they're great at making erections last longer, making them harder, helping to delay ejaculation, and stimulating the clit, but they're also great for keeping condoms on. If you find that you have difficulty with condom slippage, cock rings are great for keeping a condom secure. This can be especially helpful with polyurethane condoms which often have slippage issues, men whose penises are smaller than average, and sex toys that don't quite have the size and shape of a penis but you would prefer to have sheathed for hygienic reasons.

As far as what I think is best, well I feel that is a matter of opinion. But I do stress that if the man in question is new to using a cock ring, he should use one that is easy to remove if necessary. So it should be stretchy, adjustable, or easy to cut off. Stay away from metal! I'd even recommend not using the rubber o-ring style ones right off the bat as they can be difficult to cut off if you're panicked at all.

"That's So Gay"

Something that drives me absolutely crazy is when people say "that's so gay" when referring to something they think is dumb. It is offensive and hurts me a little every time I hear it. I try to get people to stop, but I often find that they don't even understand why it is offensive. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way so it is great to see that there are now ads trying to convince teens to stop using the phrase. Check them out:

Door Jam Cuffs

Ever had fantasies about beating your partner into submission while they were strapped to a wall or door? Want to make those fantasies a reality without installing hardware that could put holes in the wall or lead to embarrassing moments when friends or relatives stop by? These door jam cuffs by Sportsheets may just be the answer!

Babeland recently sent me a set and I gotta admit that they are a lot of fun. You simply throw the plastic bars over or under the other side of the door, close it, and hook your partner in with comfy fleece lined cuffs. Unfortunately, a set only comes with two cuffs so you'll have to choose between ankles and wrists. I think wrists work just fine, but if you have a particularly fiesty partner you may want to purchase two sets of these so they can be secured properly.

Since the bars that go on the other side of the door are made of a pretty soft plastic there was no damage to the door at all, and believe me my partner tugged hard. The one down side was that there were a couple times when she tugged hard enough to actually open the door. So watch out for that possibility. Also, because of the nature of these, the person being strapped to the door really has to be shorter than the door or its no fun.

I don't know about all of you, but when I get my hands on bondage toys like these it makes my imagination go wild. I'm always trying to come up with new ways to torture my sexy little sub. I'm sure you'll come up with new fun things as well. And remember, because they require no installation, you can take them anywhere that there is a door!

Kegel Toys

So, I have heard time and again how important Kegels are for vaginal health. But I feel like there isn't much information out there about which sex toys help with Kegels, especially when it comes to pregnancy. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and am not high risk, so as far as I know there is no reason to avoid sex toys. While I know that you can strengthen Kegels without toys I would love to know what is on the market in various price ranges. Ideally a something that has more than just the propose of Kegels would be great. Do you have any ideas?

Yes, Kegels are super important! They are one of the best exercises anyone can do no matter what sexual equipment you were born with or have elected to have. For those of you who don't know what Kegel exercises are or how to do them, they are a way to tone your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). The PC muscle forms the pelvic floor and when strong can help prevent incontinence, make orgasms stronger, and can help men to delay ejaculation if they desire. The way to flex this muscle is by squeezing the way you would if you were trying to make yourself stop peeing midstream. In order to figure out how to do it you can stop yourself from peeing a few times, but I don't recommend doing this regularly. The great thing about exercising your PC muscles is that you can do it anytime anywhere and no one will even know. You can do it at the grocery store, while talking to your boss, while pumping gas, while cleaning, etc. The possibilities are endless.

And you're right, doing them during pregnancy is a great idea. Having strong PC muscles will help you to give birth more easily by making it easier to push and lessening your chances of tearing during labor. You should also do kegels after you give birth as this will help get everything back into shape faster.

While exercise equipment is not necessary to do kegels, it can make it more fun. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot of price range out there as you will need sex toys that are heavy and heavy materials tend to cost more money.

The cheapest option at about $28 would probably be Smart Balls. You insert one or both balls, leaving the string outside of your body like a tampon and you squeeze the balls with your PC muscles. For resistance you can pull on the string. While these can be fun, there is nothing orgasmic about them. Some people find them to be pleasurable, but there are other options out there that are more likely to get more of a rise out of you.

The other options I would suggest would be heavy dildos, often made out of stainless steel. These you can use during masturbation by inserting the dildo into your vagina and rhythmically squeezing your muscles around it towards orgasm. I highly recommend using a vibrator on your clit in conjunction with the weighted dildo. Here are some options of dildos that you can try, their weights, and their prices:
- Natural Contours Energie 1 lb $50
- Betty Dodson's Vaginal Barbell just under 1 lb $76
- The Kegelcisor just under 1 lb $84
- njoy's Fun Wand 12oz $88
- njoy's Pure Wand 1.5 lbs currently on sale for $91.80
- or if you're really hardcore there is njoy's eleven weighing in at 2.75 lbs and costing $300

These toys are all made of high quality materials so consider it to be an investment that will last a really long time. And while you can easily warm these stainless steel toys with warm water before hand, Betty Dodson (one of my heroes and the queen of masturbation and female orgasms) suggests starting with the dildo cold so that your muscles will automatically start to clamp around it. Also, be sure to use lube when using these or any dildos. All of these toys, with the exception of the Smart Balls, can be used with either water or silicone based lubes.

Oddest Searches September 2008

First of all, I'd like to announce that my blog is one year old now. I started it September 30th of last year and it is still going strong. Thanks to all my loyal readers out there. I couldn't do it without you, because well then I'd just be talking to myself and that gets old fast.

On to the oddest searches done to get to my website for the month of October. Here they are in no particular order:
- insertion of hard boiled egg into vagina (last month they wanted to see them popping them out and this month they want to see them being inserted)
- anal insertion of hard boiled eggs (apparently you folks like inserting hard boiled eggs in places they should not go)
- prostate screwdriver anal (yikes!)
- butt tribadism (is this where two people rub their butts together?)
- t (how anyone can search for anything with just one letter I don't understand)
- why do human males have nipples

Gagging During Cunnilingus

Hey Garnet,
I have an occasional problem when I start to go down on my girlfriend. There is nothing wrong about smell or taste, but for some reason, I get a gag reflex and can't continue. As you can imagine, this makes her feel self-conscious and I am just embarrassed. Do you have any advice?

First of all you two need to sit down and talk about this when nothing sexy is going on. Tell her that you love the way she tastes and smells and that you really like pleasing her. Then tell her that you don't understand why you gag sometimes and that it has NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with you. Tell her that you're going to try to figure out why this happens and that you need her help and understanding along the way. Even if she really truly understands that it is not her that is making you gag, she will still take it personally when you do gag because it is difficult to not feel that way. And so when it does happen you need to reassure her. Becoming defensive is the last thing you want to do.

What you also need to do is figure out why this is happening. This is not something I can tell you without knowing more. So you have to figure this out. What is different about the times you gag? Does it happen after eating certain foods or on an empty stomach? Does it happen at a certain time of day? Does it happen at a certain time in her cycle? Have you been drinking or doing drugs? What goes through your head right before you gag? Is there a possibility that it could be a strange side effect from any medications you're taking (believe me there are some really odd side effects out there)? Is your stomach feeling unsettled? Where are you emotionally? What is the state of your relationship when this happens? What were you doing earlier in the day? What has she been doing that day? Are there any feelings of jealousy or insecurity going on? When was the last time she bathed? Ask for her help in trying to figure out a connection.

You may find that there is a link. I actually have a somewhat similar issue when it comes to my own morning breath and oral sex. I cannot go down on a woman if I have morning breath. It doesn't make me gag, but it does make me feel sick. So I learned that if I want to go down first thing in the morning I have to get up and brush my teeth first and then everything is just hunky dory. It might be that simple for you, but it also may be more complicated.

I really hope you figure this out! And if you do then you can either just make sure to not go down on her at those times or figure out a way around it like I did with brushing my teeth. If you need to talk more about it let me know and we can talk privately.

Ella by Lelo

Lelo is a sex toy company that everyone should know about. They make high end sex toys that are just plain fantastic. They have mostly made and sold vibrators that are made of high quality materials, are rechargeable, and come with an unheard of one year warranty. Many of their toys are highly innovative, like the Mia which charges via a USB port. Not only all that, but they're also a Swedish company and if you know me, you know I have a longing for Sweden in my heart and quite possibly my loins. But what bleeding heart liberal doesn't dream of living in Stockholm?

Anyhoo ... When I found out I might have a chance to test out a Lelo of my very own I became downright giddy. At this point I think I can be called a collector of sex toys. I own LOTS. And now it is about filling in the parts that I do not yet have. This includes types, materials, and brands. I need to have sex toys from all the top sex toy companies: Fun Factory (check), Tantus (check), Vixen Creations (check many times over), Vibratex (check), Lelo (new check), nJoy (sadly no check), Jimmy Jane (sadly no check).

Now I could've gone the traditional route and gone with a Lelo vibe. They have a lot to offer, but I am a Hitachi loyalist so while I do still get new vibes, I wanted my Lelo experience to be as exciting for me as possible. Luckily for me, Lelo recently released their first dildo, Ella. Until a couple years ago I actually only owned one dildo and I can't believe it took me so long to become a dildo enthusiast.

Ella is number 13 in my collection and she gave me even more reason for enthusiasm. I didn't think it was possible, but Ella has actually topped the list. She is my new favorite dildo. Ella is practically perfect.

Lelo calls Ella "a dedicated pleasure object" and I would have to agree. If you love g-spot stimulation like I do, you'll love Ella. While most g-spot toys simply bend in one direction so that you get a bit of g-spot stimulation as that one small spot goes back and forth over the sensitive area, the Ella has a whole flat surface that curves upwards so that that same spot is stimulated almost constantly. The result is pure heaven and quite possibly some ejaculation as well.

But maybe you're not ready for some g-spot stimulation yet and you want to warm up with the old in and out first. Ella has that covered as well! You can use either side of her so you can use one side for times when you want dedicated g-spot stimulation and the other side for when you want penetration without so much dedication to just one spot. The one downside to a double sided dildo like this is that it is not harness compatible. Like I said before, "practically perfect." But she is absolutely great for masturbation and partner play.

Now while Ella is perfect for me, I have to remind you that all women are made differently. Size queens will most likely not like this dildo. It is particularly small. Even I found it to be a bit lacking at times when wanting to flex my PC muscles around something when on the g-spot side.

Now down to the nitty gritty:
Ella is made of silicone which means she is non-porous and body safe. Normally I would recommend boiling your silcone dildos, but the instructions that came with Ella warned against exposing her to extreme temperatures. And well, I'm not exactly open to the possibility of ruining my new favorite dildo just so I can tell you whether or not she is safe to boil. So just use soap and water.

Ella is great for vaginal play, but I would not recommend her for anal play as she does not come equipped with a flared base.

Lelo offers a one year warranty on all of its toys and while that is fantastic on vibrators that have mechanical parts, it isn't such a great deal on silicone dildos. Silicone is a material that should last a lifetime and companies like Vixen Creations actually give you a lifetime warranty. The one year warranty just doesn't do a silicone dildo justice. Oh well. Hopefully it will never become an issue.

But even if it does become an issue, Ella is actually the cheapest Lelo product currently on the market at $44. What a steal! For a company that makes luxury vibes that range in price from $64 to $1500, I was actually really surprised that their first dildo was so cheap.

In other news, I bought a new computer recently so updates should happen more regularly now. Thanks for your patience.

Hitachi Attachments

I have a question for you. Well, a few questions actually. Let me start with something simple.

I am in the Army Reserve and currently deployed to Iraq. Not long ago I got my wife a Hitachi Magic Wand. She doesn't want to use the head it came with to cum with. She says that's meant just for "normal" massages, like on your shoulders.

So, does the Hitachi Magic Wand require a special or separate head piece to use between the legs? Can the default head be cleaned? Could it be covered with something and still used as a sex toy?

The Magic Wand is like the best sex toy ever! So good job on buying your wife a great product. The Hitachi definitely does not require any different head pieces or attachments for it to work its magic. Because it is only used for external stimulation there isn't so much worry about the difficulty of cleaning the head because there shouldn't be too much danger of infection. To clean it you can use a soapy washcloth or an old toothbrush. Toy cleaner sprays or wipes can be pretty convenient for this toy since you really don't want to run it under water directly. However, there are attachments out there that are easier to clean. And as any hitachi lover knows, the only thing better than a hitachi is a hitachi with attachments.

If she only wants clitoral stimulation from her hitachi I would suggest getting an Off With Your Head which replaces the current head with a silicone one. Silicone is a great material that is non-porous and super easy to clean unlike the original hitachi head.

If she is interested in internal stimulation as well then I would suggest getting either a Gee Whiz or a Gee Whizzard. Both of them are silicone and fit over the original hitachi head and they both provide g-spot stimulation. The Gee Whizzard is just a bit fancier (extra bumps) and a bit longer than the Gee Whiz. Depending on how far in she goes with it, she should be able to get clitoral stimulation as well. Also of note is that both of these attachments can also work with the Ideal, which is like a rechargeable cordless version of the hitachi for when you'll be nowhere near an outlet. I've met camping lovers desperate to find a replacement for their hitachi when they're out in the wilderness and they are ecstatic when I tell them about the Ideal.

And please, keep those questions coming!

Naked Me!

Did you know I used to do porn? Well, it is true. One of the reasons I use the name Garnet Joyce as my pen name is because I refuse to hide from my roots. I never did anything hardcore, but there are definitely some sexy pics of me out there.

EroticBPM just reposted some pics of me taken for another website that is no longer. I'm glad to see these pictures have resurfaced. Check them out:

Oddest Searches August 2008

Bad news: my computer is not working very well and at this point cannot get onto the internet. So this means that you won't be hearing as much from me until I can either get a new computer or somehow fix the old one. So please bear with me.

Today I'm starting a new monthly post: Oddest Searches. Each month I will post the top strangest words and phrases that people have googled which somehow led them to my site. Some times I can see the connection and sometimes I really cannot. But what is most interesting is the window to the mind of these people. Or at the very least it is highly amusing and sometimes worrisome. So without further adieu:

- love diagram
- vin diesel cock size
- obsession analingus
- virgin pussy diagram
- how to use figging in the marriage
- tribadism october 2007
- garnet sex
- is a woman's squerting orgasum normal
- woman squirts hard boiled egg out of her vagina
- analingus intestinal infection
and the winner for the oddest search term for August 2008: worms analingus

Spanking

One of my favorite porn stars, Jiz Lee, recently wrote a blog reviewing Rachel Kramer Bussel's new erotica book Spanked, which you can find here. But what I really found interesting about the review was the analysis of Jiz Lee's relationship with spanking. It is very insightful and educational. I love a good spanking, but after reading this post I realize that I am nowhere near the connoisseur that Lee or Bussel are.

Midwest Teen Sex Show: Fetishes

I absolutely adore The Midwest Teen Sex Show and have a link on my sidebar to it, but in case you haven't checked it out I just wanted to show one of their videos here. This is their most recent episode and one of my all time favorites. It talks about fetishes and touches on what I talked about on my post Fetish vs Kink

Looking for Lovely Ladies

Hello! Long time reader (love your blog), long time E2B shopper, and first time emailer.

I am a bisexual woman in the suburbs of Chicago. I realized this when I was 12, but have limited experience due to limited opportunities. Specifically, I have no idea where to meet women. I am in my 20s, and I am fine with bars, but there seems to be a lack of lesbian-themed in Chicago. I would prefer suburbs, since the Metra only runs till 12:40 am; however, I would travel to the city if that is the only place women interested in women hang out. Where does one go to find interesting women in the suburbs?

Signed,
My Gay-Dar is Such Shit Anyways

This is a question I've heard a lot and actually asked myself on numerous occasions. It can be really difficult to meet women especially when you aren't part of the queer community already. This seems to be the cry of the bisexual woman mostly because 1) men are soooo easy to find and 2) lesbians often have a negative knee jerk reaction to bisexual women. So what is a bi girl to do?

Well that really all depends on what you're in to, but as it turns out there are actually lots of places to meet sexy eligible women who love women. The hardest part is learning how to talk to them! And since you're already an E2B shopper you may know that they have a workshop called Flirting For Nerds which can really help in that department.

Here are some great resources that I've found:
- OutintheSuburbs.com is a resource for LGBT individuals in the Chicago burbs that lists all kinds of things from news events to gay bars and who frequents them to church groups and brunches.
- Look for meetups online. I found this Chicago Lesbian Brunch Group with just a quick search. There are even meetup groups for lesbians who ride scooters!
- There are several bars that have lesbian nights: OUTDanced Tuesday at Funky Buddha, Dirty Girl Thursdays at Lakeview Broadcasting Company, and Chix Mix often throws parties at Circuit so get on their mailing list.
- Unlike the gay boy bars, the bars lesbians tend to go to are often not really advertised as lesbian bars. It helps to have friends in the queer community so you can find out the in on these places. Andersonville is a great neighborhood for scoping out chicks. There are several bars there where women who love women hang out including T's, Stargaze, and Atmosphere. There are a couple bars in the BoysTown neighborhood that aren't just for the boys including Spin, Berlin, and The Closet.
- Andersonville is also host to a feminist bookstore called Women and Children First which can be a great place to pick up the cute geeky feminist women. You can also check this store as well as E2B and other women-centered stores for fliers for upcoming events.
- Besides just meetup.com there are other places on the internet to find sexy ladies. There are dating sites, blog sites, networking sites, etc. Get creative! I met my fiance through a public transportation community on livejournal.com
- Burlesque shows can be a great place not only to see sexy women seductively taking off their clothes but also to meet women. Queer women seem to just adore burlesque and it is pretty easy to find in Chicago. I've found this site to be very useful when looking for upcoming burlesque shows in Chicago. If you're feeling daring you could even do burlesque yourself! I can't imagine anything sexier than being hit on by a hot lady in sequin pasties.
- Join a sports team. It is true what they say about dykes, they love their softball and rugby! You may even be able to find a GLBT team.

Good luck and remember to have fun while you're out on the prowl for ladies!

The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful

Since for some reason you people still aren't sending me questions (all time high subscriber rate and yet no questions!?!?) I'm going to try something new here. I'd prefer to create reader-inspired content, but without that I had to come up with my own ideas for new stuff.

Working at a sex shop and trying to become a sex educator involves a lot of reading of sex ed books, watching of porn, using of toys, and in general trying to learn as much as possible. While I do this I am bound to come across great things and I'm bound to come across ... well not so great things. So today I give you:

The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful (we don't believe in ugly sex here)

The Good: I just finished watching an incredible porn that has won lots of awards and Violet Blue apparently has raved about. So maybe I'm a little behind the times and you all already know about it. But in case you don't, you should really check out The Bi Apple. Here is a porn that has it all! We're talking real attractive bodies, people of color, real bisexuality (not just women's), real pleasure, good quality sex toys, strap-ons, male-male, male-female, female-female, and male-male-female sex. It also features some negotiation, which is pretty non-existent in mainstream porn. They are telling each other how they like it. One of the best pornos that I've seen and really the only one of its kind that I have seen thus far. Keeping in mind though that I didn't have too much experience with porn videos before I started my job at Early to Bed.

And here is the trailer for The Bi Apple:



The Bad:

I read sex ed books quite often and a lot of the information is good, but sometimes I come across some misinformation. I would hate for people to see this and think that it is accurate so I want to share some misinformation I found recently.

I grew up on The Guide to Getting it On. My mom "hid" a copy of the first edition in the bookshelf for me when I was pretty young. She understood that I probably had a lot of questions about the how-to's of sex that I would never ask her and she preferred I got that information from a reliable source instead of what the kids were saying on the playground. Go Sex Positive Mom! Well The Guide has been so popular that it is now more than twice its original size and is in its 5th edition. I read the 4th edition several years ago, but now reading the 5th edition and knowing so much more than I used to know I'm finding flaws. This book is VERY heterosexual and I feel like it doesn't need to be.

I have a few other issues with it as well, but we'll get right down to the nitty gritty of it here. The wonderful lube connoisseur, Metis Black of Tantus Silicone, told me that the chapter on lube was not very good so I kept her words in mind as I read through it. She was right; it isn't very good. In fact at one point they give straight up misinformation. On page 108 the book states "Most silicone lubes are water-based, which means you can use them with latex condoms." Yes, you can use silicone-based lubes with condoms but not because they are water-based. They aren't water-based, they are silicone-based. Hence why they are called that. You can use silicone-based lubricants with condoms because they aren't oil-based. Oil-based lubricants will deteriorate latex condoms.

Sometimes you will find hybrids out there that combine water-based and silicone-based lubes but that's a different story entirely. Sliquid Silk is an example of this.

Even though The Guide has these flaws I still strongly recommend it to heterosexuals because it is very well written and has a lot of really great information in it.

The Beautiful:

Erotic Nature photos by David Steinberg are amazing. They feature real couples having real sex. I love looking into their faces and seeing the desire, the love, and the fun. He even has a section on sex and disability, which seems completely absent from a lot of other artists' work.

Really Important!

This is super important so please go sign the petition! Don't let Bush and his cronies do this to us.

Zivity.com

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I was busy celebrating mine and my fiance's birthdays which just happen to be only two days apart. This makes for a birthday extravaganza. Also, you guys haven't been sending me any questions which makes me sad. As much as I enjoy ranting I don't think that's all that you want to read about. So send me questions! I know that every single one of you has to have at least one question about sex, sexuality, and/or gender. Maybe you even think you know a lot about certain topics, but I may be able to add to that knowledge. So send me questions!

Anyhoo, on with my rant. There is this new adult website, Zivity, that is making the claim that their goal is to capture and share the beauty of women. They specifically say: "We want our photo galleries to be as diverse as possible. As such, we encourage women of all sizes, races, ages, styles to participate. We want women who are proud of how they look and recognize that beauty comes in many different forms." Definitely a very lofty goal and one that I totally agree with and support. However, upon looking at this site I find that the models are not really that diverse. Most of the women are very thin, young, and white. There is a sprinkling of women of color and a few women who I would call curvy and thick, but wouldn't even go as far as calling them chubby. There doesn't seem to be much of an age difference in any of the models I saw. They range from 19 to maybe early 30s. I would hardly call this selection diverse. Now it is a relatively new site so I am hoping that the photo sets will continue to become more diverse.

But then there's this whole other part of the site that I pretty strongly disagree with. Somewhere along the line people got the idea that only certain types of pictures of women can be empowering and can celebrate the beauty that is woman. And these pictures can never be explicit. This is not something I understand. If we are all being sex positive and enjoying the beauty that is woman, why oh why are explicit pictures deemed demeaning and exploitative? Is it somehow better if a woman keeps her legs closed and doesn't reveal her sexual desires? Is it somehow better if we claim it as art and not pornography because she is not having an orgasm, but is just posing prettily for our viewing pleasure? Now if the woman doesn't want to do these things for the camera that is totally up to her, but what about the women who feel that an expression of their beauty and their sexuality includes masturbating with a big dildo and ejaculating all over the place? Well Zivity won't allow for that. In fact their content guidelines specifically say "Because Zivity is focused on celebrating the beauty of women, photo sets on Zivity do not depict men, sex acts (including masturbation), death themes, gore, pets or other animals, child themes, or real or implied bodily fluids (blood, fake blood, etc)." If you want it to be more of a cheesecake site then say that. Burlesque is plenty empowering, extremely sexy, and completely cheesecake and I've never heard anyone say burlesque celebrates the beauty of women and that is why they don't have sex on stage. By saying that sex acts don't celebrate the beauty of women is to make the implication that sex somehow makes a woman not beautiful. And I for one think that a woman masturbating is one of the most beautiful things on this earth!

All that said, the women are beautiful and I think I have a bit of a crush on Sash (pictured above). For more pictures of the site and another take on it (that I agree with) check out Fleshbot's take on Zivity.com. Or you could just apply for a one month free membership like I did and check it out for yourself.

Hanky Code

Garnet,
Do lesbians really do this: Lesbian Flagging Codes?

This is usually called the hanky code and while some lesbians may use it, it seems to be most popular amongst gay men and the BDSM community. The idea is that you wear a handkerchief or bandana on your wrist or in your back pocket with whatever type of sex play you are interested in for the evening. This can make things a bit easier if you are a kinkster on the prowl and want to up your possibilities of participating in something specific and very kinky that night. Imagine if you had to flirt with every bar patron for 20 minutes each just to find out that only one or two were interested in the same kinks you are. This saves you time!

Some bars will even have special nights dedicated to the hanky code where patrons are encouraged to wear their kinks on their sleeve, or butt as it were.

I say it is a win, win! Not only do you get to figure out what your potential play partners are into, you have an excuse to check out their ass too.

Size Obsession

This has been pretty big news lately so many of you may have already heard about this, but I think it is so fabulous that it needs to be written about again and again until people really get the point. Keira Knightley, the second highest paid actress in Hollywood, has put her foot down and told studios that she does NOT want her breasts digitally enhanced in her new movie's publicity photos. She says she's very happy with the breasts she has. For more info and a video that interviews feministing's Courtney Martin click on the picture below.



And for even more American size obsession check out Vagzilla! on Scarleteen.com for a humorous and educational take on genital size.

Nipples!

I was wondering why women's nipples ranged from different kinds of sensitivity/insensitivity. I realize that it may have to do with the nerve endings, but do they have any relation to breast size? Is nipple insensitivity more dominate in large-breasted women? Why is it that men typically have less sensitivity than women? How can men/women increase their nipple sensitivity? Would this be something that you would even recommend?

You were right on the first point, nipple sensitivity pretty much has to do with nerve endings. There is no correlation between nipple sensitivity and breast size or sex/gender.

Now there may be other things going on here though. A woman with large breasts may have dated several people who loved her breasts and gave them a lot of attention. Having the same spots touched over and over can desensitize them for awhile. In this case it can be nice to teasingly avoid such areas. Nibble, suck, lick, caress, etc every other part of her breast except for her nipples. Spend more time on the rest of her body. You'll often find that if you are avoiding one spot, that spot becomes the center of attention and that is all this large breasted woman will be thinking about. "Oh god when is he/she/ze/they going to get to my nipples!?! They're aching to be touched!" And well that can just be all kinds of fun, but discuss it first with your partner.

I am especially interested in the fact that you brought up men's nipples. Men's nipples are just as sensitive as women's. They have pretty much all the same wiring there. A nipple is a nipple is a nipple. What it comes down to is that somehow we got it in our heads that nipples were only sensitive to women and god forbid a man like something that women like. That would somehow make him less of a man. The same argument is made for men liking anal play and how only gay men enjoy that. Really, sexual pleasure is not tied to any of these things. We like what we like and it isn't based on sexual orientation or sex (as long as we're using the generic term genitals anyways). So guys, get over yourselves and just enjoy the pleasure and stop asking if it makes you less of a man. It makes you more of a man to have the courage to let go and just enjoy. And hey I've known a few very muscular macho men who would take a good long nipple suck and nibble over a blow job any day. But just like women, there are also men who don't get much enjoyment out of nipple play. So if you aren't sure, ask.

There are ways to make nipples more sensitive, yes. One was the way I listed above about teasing. Another way is to have your nipples pierced. A lot of people report their nipple sensitivity increasing with pieces of metal in them. Some get increased sensitivity through nipple clamps or pumps. However, this doesn't necessarily mean that increased sensitivity feels good. It could also just feel painful. If you or your partner's nipples just aren't that sensitive, don't worry about it. I'm sure you can find other places on your bodies that elicit the response you want.

I'm Looking For a Man

There has been a lot of buzz around men's prostates lately and since I do not have one and nor does my partner I feel like I'm missing out on all the really good info. There has especially been a lot of buzz around the Aneros and I want to hear about how great it really is.

So dear readers please write in and tell me your experiences with the Aneros and remember I want detail! I would also be willing to purchase an Aneros MGX for one special male reader who has some experience with butt play and is a good writer. If you'd be interested in this deal send me a writing sample reviewing something else sexual like condoms or cock rings or even lube. If I like your style and think you'd write a good review then I'll send an Aneros your way. I don't care what your sexual orientation or gender identity is, but you MUST have a prostate and feel comfortable writing openly about sex. I would also prefer someone who is having sex relatively regularly and not just with themselves. Starving artists who really want an awesome expensive butt toy, but just can't afford it are encouraged to apply.

Send reviews to garnetjoyce at gmail dot com.

Edible Body Paint

I'm back and I had a very wonderful and sexy vacation! I also learned something. Almost 6 months ago I wrote a blog called People Who Like To Eat Stuff Off of Each Other where I ranted about how dumb it is to buy edible sex stuff. I did give one exception to the rule, which was honey dust.

After my oh so sexy vacation, I have to give another exception to the rule. The store I work at, Early to Bed, recently started carrying a new body paint, Colore Moi Strawberry, that actually tastes REALLY good! All of us sex educators were amazed at the taste of this stuff and even joked about having it for dessert after our lunch breaks.

So I picked some of this strawberry flavored paint up for our super sexy romantic vacation so we could try it on more than just a finger at the store. It is a little difficult to work with because it is so thick, but it is opaque unlike most body paints. And it tasted just damn good especially when mixed with champagne.

This stuff is still not ok to put anywhere near a vulva and may leave you a little sticky afterwards, but unlike stuff you can buy at the grocery store, this stuff also doesn't have that super syrupy fake strawberry taste. It actually tastes like real strawberries. It is definitely on the pricey side, but one tube should last you awhile as long as you don't start eating it directly out of the container (a more difficult task than one might imagine).

So if you are the kind of person who likes to eat stuff off of your partner then definitely pick a tube of this stuff up. I highly recommend the strawberry flavor, but be warned that the peppermint tastes like toothpaste.

Romantic Weekend Away

I'm going out of town this weekend to celebrate my anniversary with my wonderful fiance so no updates from me this weekend. I have been banned from using the internet except to check the weather and find good local restaurants. I'm sure we'll have a great time.

Some good news: I found out that I was wrong about those Babeland sale dates. Vixen Creations Dildos are 20% off through the rest of July! That's a good deal. Vixen Creations makes some of the highest quality silicone dildos. I recently picked up Raquel and I can't wait to try her on vacation! I bought some other goodies as well, which you may be hearing about in the future.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! I know I will!

Unable to Orgasm with a Partner

I am a 19 year old female and I want to know: Why can I get myself off, but find myself unable to orgasm when with a partner? No matter how good, or how long, or whatever else have you... they just can't seem to get me off. How frustrating!

19 is young and a lot of women haven't even had their first orgasm by themselves by that age. It takes a lot of women longer to figure out their bodies than it does men because in this society we are taught that good girls don't have sexual feelings and don't touch themselves. And also because men's genitals are all out there and they touch them several times a day just to pee. So yay you for being able to orgasm from masturbation!

But now that you've figured out what makes you orgasm (i.e. what kinds of touches, sensations, and fantasies) its time to take that with you into the bedroom. You can't give all of the responsibility of your orgasm to your partner. That's too much pressure. Everyone is different and your partner may have made their previous lover scream with multiple orgasms, but they don't know how to please you until you tell them. They can play a guessing game or you can tell/show them exactly how to get you off and it will be a lot more fun for both of you. A lot of people seem to think that we should just know how to please each other, but in my opinion that's a recipe for boring, unsatisfying sex.

If you have a difficult time putting into words how you like to be touched then you can always show your partner. Watching the object of your desire masturbate isn't just educational, it's also a huge turn on.

There are also many women who expect to be able to orgasm during vaginal penetration without any sort of other stimulation. This is just not possible for a lot of women. And believe me there are not too many people out there who would have a problem with their partner reaching down and playing with their clit during sex or even bringing a vibrator into the mix. If your partner is intimidated at all by this then tell them that you love the way the penetration feels, but there are very few women who can orgasm without clitoral stimulation and you are one of them. Offer the option to let them play with your clit during penetration as well. If they are interested in getting you off they won't turn it down.

But maybe there is something else standing in your way? I know that when I was younger, and I've heard many similar stories from women, I was actually a bit afraid of orgasming in front of someone else. Having an orgasm in front of someone else can be very vulnerable because you basically lose control of your body at that peak of excitement. What will your face look like? Will you be too loud? Too quiet? Will you fart? Will you queef? Will your body writhe about strangely?

Most likely your face will contort in crazy ways and you will make strange sounds, but when in the midst of an orgasm those things will be extremely sexy to your partner. Orgasms aren't the clean polished things you may see in a lot of mainstream porn. They are sweaty weird wonderfully sexy things. Check out Beautiful Agony for real people having real orgasms. They have a great free preview filled with lots of people cumming.

And then there's the possibility of farting or queefing when you orgasm. Those things happen to everyone and the best way to deal with them is to either ignore them or to laugh them off. There's no need to get embarrassed.

So if the issue is fear then hopefully realizing that orgasms are incredibly sexy things will help. Having a partner you feel comfortable with and trust can help a lot too.

Relax, get comfortable, and keep trying. I'm sure you'll figure it out. And until then if you feel the need to orgasm during a hot sex session you can always masturbate.

Fisting

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Key to Better Sex

People always seem to be searching for the one tried and true method to make their sex lives the fantastic fireworks inducing scenes that they see in the movies and read about in romance novels. This subject sells countless books and magazines. There's always some new spot that is supposed to give us more pleasure than anything ever discovered before. There's the clit, the g-spot, the p-spot, the X-spot. What these things really do is make people feel inadequate when it doesn't set off fireworks for them or god forbid they can't even find the spot.

So what is the key to better sex? What is the one tried and true method? Well you may hate me for saying it, but its masturbation. Exploring, learning, and understanding your body is the key to fantastic sex. And once you can understand your body and what it is that really gets you off, then you have to also communicate that to your partner and realize that you are responsible for your own pleasure. If you don't believe me, here is a post written by a very famous sex blogger on exactly this topic.

Sex by Girl with a one-track mind

Babeland Sale!

Just wanted to give you all a heads up on the sale going on over at Babeland right now. They have Vixen Dildos and several other items on sale at 20% off. That's a steal! Click here for the goods. Sale goes through the 11th.

Jollie

This month's Babeland toy review is the Jollie. I had had my eye on this toy for quite awhile because of some amazing reviews I'd read for it. Sure it looks a little weird, actually reminds me a bit of a slug, but that's part of its charm. I love new and innovative toys. This particular company is said to have taken a mold of a woman's vagina in order to create this toy. The shape is supposed to be able to tuck itself under the cervix, hit the g-spot, and rub up against the clit all at the same time. But here's the problem, not all women's vaginas are the same. When a toy is designed from one woman's vagina it may feel fantastic in many other vaginas, but not in all. And after all those months of mooning over this toy and wanting one of my very own I found that it was not made with my vagina in mind. Try as I might I could not get the darn thing in without causing pain. The sense of fullness that is promised is just too much for women with narrower vaginas. It would be nice to see these manufacturers make similar dildos in a variety of thicknesses and lengths for each woman's vagina.

But hey, if you don't have a narrow vagina don't let me stop you from getting this dildo. Seriously, I've seen some absolutely fantastic reviews and I really wish I could've added to them. Look some up for yourself and see all the women who rave about it. Also, this toy is made of a high quality silicone so it will last you a good long time and can be sterilized easily.

Polyamory

I would like to hear your point of view on 3somes ... polyamorous relationships. Having sex with a third party. Any advice on positions, how to deal with emotions and how to keep it equal?

Relationships are a lot of work, a lot of really hard work. They require constant open communication, compromise, and vulnerability. Polyamorous relationships are even more work than regular old monogamy. All parties involved need to sit down and make ground rules and figure out what to do about jealousy if it arises, and it usually does. There needs to be a lot of open, honest communication and compromise or these types of relationships will absolutely not work. Some people really like the idea of polyamory, but just can't talk openly about these things and there ends up being a big mess. It can be difficult for many since in our society we are taught to not talk about these things. Many people just expect others to read their minds and this can be frustrating enough in monogamy and really end up ruining the relationship, but forget about it when it comes to polyamory.

As far as positions go, well that's where you can be creative. There are all kinds of things to try from each giving the other one oral sex to double penetration to having one person worshiped by the other two. There are all kinds of possibilities depending on what everyone likes and is in the mood for. Just talking about it and coming up with new ideas could be a hot venture in itself.

So really everything I'm saying here is that communication is the key to great sex and relationships no matter what type you are involved in. Also, you should always practice safer sex especially with the more people you bring into your relationships.

For more information on polyamory/open relationships check out The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are really great books by women who are in open or poly relationships themselves.

Can you get pregnant from the withdrawal method?

Hi, I am 23 years old, I am not yet ready to get pregnant but my boyfriend keeps asking about my virginity. I told myself that I will not give my virginity but the time we had romance we both felt hot we can't control. My question goes like this: We had sex after my period and almost 1 week we involved in sex but we use withdrawal method, is there a possibility that I get pregnant?

Most questions I receive don't phase me, but this one got me. In fact I often don't even answer questions right away when I get them, but I think this one deserves a quick answer.

Yes, you can get pregnant from the withdrawal method. This method is far from fool proof. When a man gets an erection a clear fluid leaks out of his urethra. This is called precum and it can have sperm in it. This can get you pregnant. Also, a lot of guys, especially the younger and/or more inexperienced ones, don't have the control or the body awareness to be able to pull out before ejaculation. This can definitely result in pregnancy.

And then there are all the possible infections and/or diseases you can contract from unprotected sex. Just genital to genital contact is enough for a lot of stuff to be contagious.

So please PLEASE go out and get yourself some condoms. Also go to the doctor and get yourself tested for any STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) and get yourself a pregnancy test.

And for those of you out there who are committed to remaining virgins: this doesn't mean that you shouldn't still be prepared. The heat of the moment happens and it is better for you to have safer sex gear (condoms, lube, dental dams, gloves) on hand just in case. Please be safe and have fun.

Pump It Up!

So I guess I've been watching porn for most of my adult years, and sometimes I've come across some porn where it involves women using Pussy Pumps. From what I've heard its supposed to be very pleasurable to them, but from my point of view it looks very uncomfortable. Do these things actually provide extra pleasure and sensation to a woman? Or is it just done as some kind of fetish theme for people to watch?

Pumps could be used for either purpose. Whether it is for a kink or the woman is really enjoying it on a physical level depends on the individual woman.

Many women do find it quite pleasurable to use pumps on their vulvas, clits, and/or nipples. In this post I will specifically focus on the first two though since that is what you're specifically asking about.

In general when a female bodied person becomes aroused the genitals will fill with blood and swell. What a pump does is cause this to happen to a greater extent. The sucking action of the pump draws blood into the tissue causing it to swell. This can make the genitals extra sensitive, which can be really fun.

It can, however, be uncomfortable, as you mentioned, if the woman does not take special precautions. She could even end up causing some damage. Because of this I urge anyone who is thinking about pumping to be careful. When using a clit or vulva pump one should use lots of lube and go very slowly. Never use drugs or alcohol which might alter your pain responses. And if it hurts, stop. For anyone who is serious about genital pumping there is a great chapter on it in the book The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex.

The 3 C's of Sex

Curvaceous Dee wrote a great blog this week about the 3 C's of sex, "Conversation, communication, and consent." She is specifically referring to her poly relationships, but I think that everyone can really learn a lot from what she says whether you're in a monogamous long term relationship, poly, or single.

Check it out here: Co-operation makes it happen by Curvaceous Dee

Studies of Homosexuality

The science world has been coming out with a lot of different studies about the biological differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals in an attempt to better understand how and why (biologically) homosexuality occurs in humans. Some of these studies include:

- Different brain sizes
- Sexually antagonistic selection
- Birth order

I think it is very important to study sexuality and not just homosexuality, but all types. However, there are also things one should keep in mind when reading or talking about these studies. Because while I think science can be a wonderful thing, it can also be subject to cultural and personal biases. Recently a strong intelligent feminist woman, Susan Skoog, put it very well in response to the article about different brain sizes (copied with her permission):

"There are some major problems with sexuality studies like this.

1. When neurologists try to determine once and for all the "innate" causes of sexuality, they don't realize the culturally-dependent framework they're using. That is, what do "gay" and "straight" mean to the researchers? How do they determine "gay" brains in the sample? By the self-reported preference of the subjects? By a survey of sexual behaviors over time? By their "deviance" from "straight" behavior? By their measured response to sexual stimuli?

All of these criteria are contingent upon subjective reflection and agreement upon terms (totally valid in the social sciences and in our personal sexual lives, but NOT in the realm of biological research.) For example, am I a lesbian if I have slept with women in the past year? The past 10 years? Or if I have never slept with one, but they turn me on? Or if (like the radicalesbians of the 1970s) I identify politically with women-loving-women? Who gets to say?

(referencing a point made earlier by someone else) I second the point about bisexuality. In every study I've read, bisexuality has been made invisible or given short shrift by being lumped into the study samples as "straight" or "gay" depending on the researcher. If bi means gay, we have a problem.

This philosophizing about "what is gay?" may at first seem like splitting hairs, but unless we can create objective operational definitions about sexual orientation, there's no way to do science about it.

Sexual tastes are not static entities-- everyone's sexuality develops and becomes enriched throughout life, and may even contradict itself. One person may go through many labels. To some people, their orientation has always been rock-solid. Others wrestle to develop/discover themselves more slowly. Still others refuse to define themselves at all. Are scientists going to look for the biological underpinnings of each of these?

Sexuality is much more than gender-choice; it's layered like an onion. Which is not to say that sexuality may be willfully changed either. I see no evidence to support anyone forcing themselves or others out of their sexuality.

2. Many of the brain studies (such as Simon LeVay's hypothalamic region study, and others' explorations of hormonal balances) sought to look for the ways in which male homosexuals' brains were "feminized." This confuses gender identity/expression with sexual preference and is dangerously unscientific.

3. Much of the sexuality research of the past 125 years has been focused on finding the biological quality separating gay people from everyone else. Straight brains are the controls in these studies--this is a big problem. When so little research has been performed on "straight" brains to find out how they tick sexually, how can we look at homosexuality without reducing it to an aberration from straightness? This reinforces the conception that all queerness is a flawed version of "normal" sexual response, as if there was such a thing.

I believe these sex researchers, for the most part, have good intentions, but their methods are inadequate, and their biases go unexamined. This is with the marked exception of the homophobic and transphobic Dr. Michael Bailey, who has stated publicly that if scientists could find the cause of homosexuality, he would strive to cure it."

Whether or not you agree with all of her points, it is important to keep each of them in mind when you read studies like these. Critical thinking is a much needed skill that many people seem to no longer employ when scientists or journalists start talking.

Stuck!

I was sent this video (Warning! NSFW) with the following question:

What should someone normally do if they get something stuck?

For those of you who don't want to watch the video the jist is that this poor woman inserts 4 golf balls into her vagina and when she tries to get them out the last one is stuck and she has a very difficult time retrieving it. Luckily at the end she is able to recover it and all is well. So what can we learn from this?

First of all, don't stick things where they're not supposed to go. Golf balls are not made to go in one's vagina and candles are not made to go in one's butt. Use sex toys for crying out loud! That's what they're for. Only insert things into your vagina or anus if they are specifically made for that purpose. Otherwise you're just asking for a world of trouble.

But even if you are doing what you're supposed to be and only using objects that are made for insertion, shit still happens. If you get anything stuck in your vagina or anus the first rule is Don't Panic! If you relax it will make things a lot easier. Just remind yourself that you can do this. Next go wash your hands so they are not slippery or dirty and then sit yourself down on the toilet or on the edge of the tub and bear down like you're trying to make a bowel movement. These muscles will help to push out whatever is stuck in there. You may need your hands to help as well as catching the object if you don't want to go fishing in the toilet.

If the particular orifice that the object is stuck in happens to be your vagina then you're in luck. It is very difficult to lose anything in there as objects don't have far to go. Relax, breathe, and push down and you should be able to retrieve it. Remember, gravity is on your side.

However, if the orifice is your anus, you will really have to make sure you stay as relaxed as possible. If you panic there is a very good chance that your muscles will work against you and push the object further into your anal cavity. This is why we ALWAYS use sex toys with a flared base when playing with our butts. Just make sure to breathe, relax, and push down. You should be ok and be able to get it out. When people panic they have to go to the ER to get objects removed from their butts. But remember that if you do have to go to the ER don't bother lying to the doctor. I guarantee you they know exactly why that thing is stuck up your butt.

Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

This is a rather interesting one because I actually got emails from two people asking the same question who are in a relationship together. They did not originally know that they had both written to me, but came to realize this later.

Partner #1:
Dear Garnet,

I'm a 23 year old woman who has never, ever been able to achieve orgasm, whether it be through intercourse, masturbation or cunnilingus. I pretty much can't feel anything in my vulva region (but I'm certain it's not a technique issue). The closest I can get is a slight, pleasurable sensation when I masturbate, and even then, my clitoris completely loses sensation after a few seconds... and on top of that, if I'm too aroused, I feel absolutely nothing. This is very frustrating for me and my partner, and it ultimately makes both of us feel inadequate. I had repeated, severe UTIs as a young child, could this have somehow damaged my ability to orgasm?

Partner #2:
My girlfriend seems to have very little clitoral and vaginal sensitivity. Using my fingers and enough pressure, I can stimulate her clitoris, but it's an all or nothing approach. Too little pressure and she has no pleasurable reaction; it's just a sensation and nothing else. Any other pressure creates too much stimulation, and she often times has to ask me to stop. She also gets very little stimulation from oral sex. She's also never had an orgasm before.

This sensitivity (or lack of) carries into genital sex. We've had very little success finding a position and rhythm to create consistent pleasurable feelings for her. We haven't moved into using anything other than our own bodies, and usually spend a good hour on foreplay.

I was wondering if you had any advice for us?

First of all, I love that you are both working together on this and communicating. That is really really important. I'm sure it is very frustrating for the both of you, but even more frustrating if you weren't talking about it and being honest with each other.

The first thing that I recommend sex-wise is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep experimenting with different kinds of touch and keep communicating about what seems to work and what doesn't. Keep an open mind and try all kinds of different things including sex toys, fantasies, talking dirty, having sex in different rooms of the house even. Just be really open to anything that might strike your fancy and don't focus on trying to achieve orgasm. Just figure out what feels good for the both of you. And above all, Partner #2: don't ask Partner #1 if she orgasmed. That will put pressure on her. You can ask her what felt good and if there's anything she'd like you to do differently the next time, but try not to put the focus on orgasm as being the goal here. Mutual enjoyment and pleasure is the goal.

The second thing I want to recommend is for Partner #1 to really spend a lot more time masturbating, but don't think of it as homework or even something you have to do. Think of it as a fun past time. I don't want you to try to orgasm either. Just spend time touching yourself. And when I say touch yourself, I don't just mean your genitals. Touch all over your body, learn your body. Try different types of touches: rough, soft, tickly. Try different ways of touching yourself whether its with your hands, vibrators, or scooching yourself under your bathtub faucet. Try different fantasies, watching porn, or reading erotica. Have fun and remember that a lot of women have a hard time finding what works for them, but that almost all of them do actually find what works. The orgasmless woman is pretty much a myth. It just takes some women longer than others. The hardest part really is just trying to stay positive and its not always going to be easy. But if you can try to switch your goal from orgasm to just figuring out what feels good then you'll have a lot more fun in the process.

I also highly recommend the book I Love Female Orgasm. It is filled with all kinds of helpful information including a chapter specifically for women who are pre-orgasmic.

And, Partner #1, if you really are worried about the possibility of your severe UTIs as a child effecting your sex life now, talk to your doctor. Get copies of your old medical records even. I doubt that it would've had any real effect, but your doctor will know more than I do about that kind of thing.

**7/8/08 EDIT: I was just informed by one of the people who wrote that actually they didn't know each other. It was just a really big coincidence that they wrote me about the same problem within two days of each other.**