Trust Women

Today is the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and the 5th annual Blog for Choice event. For the Past 5 years NARAL has been asking bloggers questions related to the right to choose in order to raise awareness for reproductive rights and ask what they mean to us. This year's question is:

In honor of Dr. George Tiller, who often wore a button that simply read, "Trust Women," this year's Blog for Choice question is:
What does Trust Women mean to you?

To me, trusting women is about understanding that we can make our own informed decisions. We do not need to be coddled. We do not need to be told misinformation in order to make the "right decision." We do not need to be forced to look at ultrasounds of the fetus to make a decision that we've already thought long and hard about. We do not need to be ordered by a court to do what is best for us and our families. If kids are given comprehensive sex education they will be given the tools with which to make informed decisions about sex and family planning. Women will have the ability to prevent unwanted pregnancies and to plan families if and when they want to. We need to help women to be able to make the right decisions for them by helping everyone to be educated about sex and sexuality.

I also think that part of trusting women is listening to their stories and having more women coming forward with them (if they so choose) to show that they make hard decisions that are right for them. Abortion especially is so demonized and we normally only talk about it in terms of rape or incest cases, but what about the rest of the women out there who get them? So many women feel like they can't come out and share their stories because they do not want to be demonized or judged for making a decision that was right for them. That was why I shared my story back in August soon after Dr. Tiller's murder. Read it here.

Related reading:
1. STIs and Sexual Responsibility
2. Contraception
3. Can you Get Pregnant from the Withdrawal Method?

Fisting

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Polyamory

I would like to hear your point of view on 3somes ... polyamorous relationships. Having sex with a third party. Any advice on positions, how to deal with emotions and how to keep it equal?

Relationships are a lot of work, a lot of really hard work. They require constant open communication, compromise, and vulnerability. Polyamorous relationships are even more work than regular old monogamy. All parties involved need to sit down and make ground rules and figure out what to do about jealousy if it arises, and it usually does. There needs to be a lot of open, honest communication and compromise or these types of relationships will absolutely not work. Some people really like the idea of polyamory, but just can't talk openly about these things and there ends up being a big mess. It can be difficult for many since in our society we are taught to not talk about these things. Many people just expect others to read their minds and this can be frustrating enough in monogamy and really end up ruining the relationship, but forget about it when it comes to polyamory.

As far as positions go, well that's where you can be creative. There are all kinds of things to try from each giving the other one oral sex to double penetration to having one person worshiped by the other two. There are all kinds of possibilities depending on what everyone likes and is in the mood for. Just talking about it and coming up with new ideas could be a hot venture in itself.

So really everything I'm saying here is that communication is the key to great sex and relationships no matter what type you are involved in. Also, you should always practice safer sex especially with the more people you bring into your relationships.

For more information on polyamory/open relationships check out The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are really great books by women who are in open or poly relationships themselves.

Can you get pregnant from the withdrawal method?

Hi, I am 23 years old, I am not yet ready to get pregnant but my boyfriend keeps asking about my virginity. I told myself that I will not give my virginity but the time we had romance we both felt hot we can't control. My question goes like this: We had sex after my period and almost 1 week we involved in sex but we use withdrawal method, is there a possibility that I get pregnant?

Most questions I receive don't phase me, but this one got me. In fact I often don't even answer questions right away when I get them, but I think this one deserves a quick answer.

Yes, you can get pregnant from the withdrawal method. This method is far from fool proof. When a man gets an erection a clear fluid leaks out of his urethra. This is called precum and it can have sperm in it. This can get you pregnant. Also, a lot of guys, especially the younger and/or more inexperienced ones, don't have the control or the body awareness to be able to pull out before ejaculation. This can definitely result in pregnancy.

And then there are all the possible infections and/or diseases you can contract from unprotected sex. Just genital to genital contact is enough for a lot of stuff to be contagious.

So please PLEASE go out and get yourself some condoms. Also go to the doctor and get yourself tested for any STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) and get yourself a pregnancy test.

And for those of you out there who are committed to remaining virgins: this doesn't mean that you shouldn't still be prepared. The heat of the moment happens and it is better for you to have safer sex gear (condoms, lube, dental dams, gloves) on hand just in case. Please be safe and have fun.

Condom Comparison: Trojan, Mamba, and Babeland

Here is that condom comparison blog I have been promising. This is the first time this young man has reviewed anything, but he is always bugging me about free condoms so I thought I'd make him work for them this time.

A little background info:
All three condom types are latex.
The Mamba condoms were provided by Babeland in the Eco-Sexy Kit. The blurb they include about them is "Made of silkiest feeling latex you'll find in a condom, the Mamba is a snugger fit than our others. The Swedish manufacturer's testing process is 15 times more stringent than any other condom company in the world. So the Mamba is not only built for sensation, it boasts a Volvo-like safety record."

The Babeland condom was provided by Babeland (obviously) in the Bunny Love Kit. There is no info about these condoms on the website, but the back of the wrapper said that it was studded.

Trojans are what this guy normally uses so he is comparing those to the aforementioned condoms.

And on with the show ...

The first condom is one I normally use: lubricated Trojan-ENZ. I use this particular number because I know it, I trust it, and it is easily found in virtually any convenience store. The material is latex and has a good amount of lubricant. The packaging can be difficult to open. This is troublesome especially when you’re girlfriend/date is getting out of the mood, or you have a time limit. While partaking in the act, it pretty much does what it is supposed to do: keep you out of parenthood. Clean up is a hassle as some of the excess fluid tends to seep out of the rim. I just figured all condoms were like this so I really didn’t think much of it. Until I sampled these next two brands: Mamba and Babeland.

I’ve never heard of either, but I was willing to try something different. The first thing about Mamba that tickled my fancy was that the packaging was really easy to open. You just tear it down the center. No more hassle and no more lost opportunities for me or my date. The fit is very comfortable as it conforms to the contour of the penis. It feels and operates like any other condom; however, taking it off is the money maker. The head end of it is larger than your everyday condom as it is more bulbous in shape. This is beneficial during clean-up because it traps all of the fluids in the head and reservoir tip. A good experience overall.

Mamba’s performance was notable, thus I was reluctant to try the Babeland-branded condom. However, for the sake of writing this comparative article, I gave it a shot. This one was different from the two I talked about because it was a studded condom. The package was very similar to that of the Trojans, therefore a little more difficult to open quickly. As for the usage, I had to consult my partner since it felt the same to me. She said that she can really feel the “little bumps” and enjoyed it overall. The bad part is that she may never let me use regular condoms again. The good part is that we both enjoyed ourselves; a goal that some sex partners struggle to achieve, especially in longer relationships. As a whole, the Babeland condom is a quality product.

STIs and Sexual Responsibility

We talk about safer sex, we talk about the risks associated with sex, we talk about the types of STIs, but what a lot of people don't talk about is what happens when you have an STI and the responsibilities you have towards your partner(s). This is where I start to get a little preachy.

Having sex is an enormous responsibility; one that most people take too lightly. There are a lot of risks: physical, emotional, and financial. Sex is a lot of fun, but we have to be adults about it. We have to take responsibility for our actions.

This means getting tested regularly and informing your partner(s) of your STI status before the clothes ever come off.

Lets keep in mind though that not all STIs are tested for and some (HPV in men) don't even have tests. So testing is not enough. Inspecting one's genitals and anus regularly is also a must. This doesn't have to be a downer. It is easy enough to inspect yourself when you masturbate and also when you clean yourself in the shower. You should know exactly how your genitals and anus feel so you know if there are any new bumps or sores. It is very important to know your body and to be aware of changes in it. Does it burn when you pee? Well for heaven's sake go to the doctor!

So what if you catch an STI?

If it is something curable like chlamydia, syphilis, or gonorrhea then it is important that you stop having sex. Why would you want to give anything that uncomfortable to someone who is giving you a lot of pleasure? Get treated and talk to anyone you've slept with recently to let them know that you have it and that they should go get tested. Before you start having sex again make sure that both you and your partner are cured.

If you contract herpes which will stay with you for the rest of your life or HPV which will be around for a couple years you need to tell anyone you are considering becoming sexually intimate with. Both of these are contagious even if you do not have warts or sores. Let the other person decide whether or not they want to take the risk. There is a good chance that many may reject you because of your STI, but that is something that you will just have to deal with. It isn't easy, but that does not mean it is ever ok for you to not tell someone you have it. I don't care if you've had sex with someone else and they never contracted it from you. This does not mean that you are not contagious. Be careful and honest and use protection. Keep in mind that even if both you and your partner have herpes or HPV you can continue to pass it to each other and make it worse.

If you contract HIV/AIDS I highly discourage any sort of casual sex. If you do choose to be sexually active that is a big decision that will have to be the responsibility of both you and your partner. Keeping in mind that even if you both have HIV you can continue to pass the virus to each other and put each other at further risk. Always use protection and I recommend being in a long term trusting relationship.

The Golden Rule is applicable to all of life including sex. Treat others the way you would want to be treated and the world will be a much happier, healthier place.

The Risk of Analingus

Can the case ever be made for licking someone's ass without a dental dam? (and lets face it.. dental dams are pretty unpopular)
Like if you just got out of the shower...

Although I appreciate it when someone goes through the extra trouble of licking my ass, would it be better for me to just say "Hey, I haven't washed my ass since this morning and I don't know what is lurking about down there."?

I view life, including sex, as pretty risky. It is all in how much you want to risk for what. We all take risks every day and for some things we choose to limit the risks and for others we don't. Driving or riding in a car is very risky, but we limit those risks by wearing seatbelts, owning cars with airbags, and abiding by the rules of the road. Now some people like to go really fast and that is taking a risk, but to them it is worth it.

The important part is knowing what risks you're taking, feeling like the risk is worth it, and not risking others without their consent. No one should take risks if they don't fully understand what is at risk.

So, what is at risk if one licks an anus without a barrier?

- E. Coli - This is a bacteria that lives in your intestines, but can get you pretty sick if you ingest someone else's. However, if you have been together for awhile this becomes a lot lower of a risk because after awhile you start to share the same intestinal bacteria with your partner.
- Hepatitis - No fun liver disease.
- Parasites - Think worms and such.
- STIs - The same stuff you can get from any sort of unprotected sex.

The better you know your partner, the longer you've been together, and the better your hygiene the less risks there are. It is a must to jump in the shower to wash right beforehand at the very least. However, washing between your cheeks will lower the risk of E. Coli, but not necessarily the others.

So are you and your partner willing to take this risk? That is up to you and your partner. I cannot condone any type of unprotected sex, but I feel that people have to evaluate their own risks and figure out what is important to them. If the above risks are not worth it to you or your partner then use a dental dam, a cut up condom, or a piece of saran wrap.

Latex Allergies

Here is an article I wrote a few years ago for a website that no longer exists (a few changes have been made):

If you experience itching, burning, rashes, or irritation of any kind right after or during sex you could very well have an allergy to the condoms being used. There are several possibilities of what you could be allergic to: the spermicidal lubricant known as Nonoxynol-9, fragrances, or latex. Experiment with different condoms to see what you are allergic to. The first two are easy enough to avoid; just don’t buy condoms with Nonoxynol-9 or those banana or orange flavored condoms, both very easy to find. All of these condoms will have about the same rate of efficacy. Latex, on the other hand, is a bigger issue.

What happens when you have an allergy to latex is that your immune system thinks that the latex is a dangerous substance and attempts to remove it from your body by giving you rashes or itching. Latex allergies develop over time so you might not have any issues at all for years and then one day it starts to itch and burn. About 7% of people develop a latex allergy.

There are two other materials that condoms are made of besides latex: lambskin and polyurethane. Lambskin is made from the intestines of a lamb. Yeah, I know gross, right? Well, don’t worry you shouldn’t use these. They are effective in preventing pregnancy, but because they have small pores in them they still let fluids pass through which carry HIV and other scary diseases.

Polyurethane, on the other hand, is made from plastic and has a slightly lower efficacy rate than latex. The problem is that polyurethane isn't as stretchy as latex so the condoms are made a bit bigger than the average latex condom. The reason this is an issue is because 1. they slip off more easily, which as long as you’re aware of this is easily preventable and 2. if your partner or dildo is on the larger side the condom is more likely to break, which is not as preventable unfortunately.

There are actually many people who are not allergic to latex who use polyurethane condoms because they actually have a lot of advantages. Polyurethane is thinner, transfers heat better, stronger, can be used with oil based lubricants, and doesn’t have an odor or taste. There are disadvantages as well; polyurethane is not as stretchy as mentioned earlier, they are more expensive, and they are harder to find.

The only two polyurethane condoms on the market in the US currently are Trojan Supra and Durex Avanti. There are a couple differences between these two brands. The Trojans are slightly smaller in size than the Durex, which is especially helpful if you are trying to avoid slippage. Trojans have Nonoxynol-9 and Durex do not, which is important if you’re also allergic to spermicide. Experiment with both and find out which works best for you.

Safer Sex for Female Couples

What safe sex methods should female couples use?

One thing I want to clarify is that there is no such thing as safe sex. All sex is risky, but so are most fun things. That is why everyone should take special precautions to have safER sex. It's like wearing a seatbelt in a car just in case you get into an accident.

Regardless of what many people seem to believe, women who have sex with women can pass STIs between each other just like any other sexually active couple/trio/etc. That being said, there are several ways that female couples can help to protect themselves. (All of these methods can also be used by heterosexual couples.)

For oral sex there are dental dams which are latex barriers which are often flavored and are spread over the vulva. Dental dams can be kind of pricey though so another option is cutting up a condom or even using saran wrap. If you do use saran wrap, make sure it is not the kind that is microwave safe as it is porous and the germies will be able to pass through it. When using a barrier like a dental dam it is best to spread lube on the side that will be on the female receiving the oral sex so that it feels more like a wet tongue than a piece of plastic. The giver can put something yummy to lick on their side too to make it more fun.

Dental dams and saran wrap can also be used for analingus aka rimming.

When manually stimulating your female partner's vulva or anus one should use latex gloves or vinyl gloves if either you or your partner has a latex allergy. Also make sure to use a lot of lube, especially during anal play.

When using sex toys, especially when sharing, it is wise to put a condom on them and change the condom whenever changing orifices. That means, change it when going from vaginal to anal, anal to vaginal, or from person to person. And don't forget the lube! It really might just be easier to get several sex toys.

A note on lube: Do not use oil based lubes like Vaseline with latex and never use them in the vagina. The only safe time to use an oil based lube is during anal play when using a non-latex barrier like polyurethane condoms or vinyl gloves.

HPV

Recently, someone I slept with 7 years ago contacted me to tell me they have HPV and had no idea when she got it so was contacting everyone she slept with to let them know. I thought it was a bit silly for her to go through such lengths to contact people because from what I understand it is incredibly common, and relatively harmless except with some kinds that can cause cancer.

My question is.. Since HPV is also not normally included in the regular battery of STD testing people get, is it something people should test for regularly even if they don't notice any warts? And if you do have it, is it really serious enough to contact all your previous partners to let them know?

Human Papilloma Virus or HPV is a very common Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI). The CDC estimated in 2005 that 20 million people in the US had the virus. The reason that it is spread so easily is because most people do not know they have it because they don't show any symptoms. In fact, there are very few symptoms even associated with HPV. The known symptoms are genital warts and changes in the cells of the genitals; only one of which is visible to the naked eye. There are many different strains of HPV. The scary thing is that only the low risk strains show up as genital warts and therefore are easily detected. High risk strains, on the other hand, can go unnoticed for years because the only difference is in the change of cells.

Another reason that HPV spreads so easily is that there is no HPV test for men. Unless a man gets genital warts he does not know for sure if he has the virus or not and this only shows if he has a low risk strain.

When women get a pap smear the cells that are collected are tested to see if they are abnormal. If it turns out they are abnormal then further testing will be done to see if it is HPV. Women get abnormal pap results all the time though and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. They should always follow up with their doctors though to see if they need further testing.

HPV for the most part goes away on its own. If someone has genital warts though it is advised to have them removed so as to help prevent spreading. There are a number of different ways to remove the warts including prescription creams, burning with acid, and freezing with liquid nitrogen. High risk strains that do not go away on their own can cause cervical cancer and in lesser cases, cancer of the penis or anus. It has recently been found that HPV also has a low risk of causing throat and oral cancer.

There is no way to prevent all forms of HPV. Condoms can help, but are not perfect especially if the infected partner has genital warts in places that are not covered by the condom. HPV can also be transmitted through oral sex as well as manual stimulation.

Guardasil is an HPV vaccine offered to girls and women aged 9-26 and it has been shown to help protect against 8 strains of the virus, several of which are high risk strains, but it is not easily accessible to many females. Some people think that if girls get the vaccine they will be more likely to be promiscuous, which is just plain faulty logic in my opinion. It is also one of the most expensive vaccines on the market today, costing in the neighborhood of $400. To my knowledge, no insurance companies currently cover the cost of Guardasil.

Is it necessary for a person to contact their past sex partners to let them know that they have HPV? Yes, it is necessary to contact past sex partners for any STI that is contracted. It is the responsible, adult thing to do. However, I would say that seven years may be a bit of a stretch. It is nice to see people being responsible, but I would say that, unless you know around what time you contracted it (HPV can lay dormant for a long time), contacting your sex partners over the last 2 years would be a sufficient. 91% of new HPV infections disappear within 2 years of contracting it. However, if you feel it is your duty to contact beyond that, I say go for it.

I would ask your ex-partner what type of HPV they have. This can give you a better grasp on what the risks are and what you're looking for.