Sick

Hey everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a bit. I've been pretty sick lately and haven't had the energy or the mental capacity to post anything here. I should be back within the next few days though. Keep sending me your questions!

Garnet Joyce

Masturbating Too Much?

I masturbate an average of 3 or 4 times a day. I've always preferred masturbation to sex because I have MUCH MUCH better orgasms than I do with sexual intercourse. But, I've recently met someone, and it looks like things are going to become sexual. This makes me happy to have met someone, but at the same time, this also makes me worry about my constant masturbation habits. In fact, sometimes I'm pretty sure it's an addiction.

I'm worried that my body has gotten used to masturbation as opposed to sex, which makes me worry about my sexual performance. The last couple of girls Ive slept with didn't really do it for me. I even had a hard time keeping it up. I would have much rather just gotten off by myself. The problem, is that I really like this girl, and I want to please her. This makes me think I should quit masturbating. But I've been trying to at least cut back lately, and honestly, don't think I can.

So, with this in mind, I have two questions.

Should I worry about this? Is a love of having several orgasms a day really an addiction? And if so, is it really that bad of an addiction? It's not like I'm doing drugs or drinking.

And, what would you suggest doing about my lack of sexual performance with sexual intercourse? Is there a way to increase sensitivity? Or maybe something to keep it hard longer? I don't want to use prescription pills. I mean, my god I'm only in my mid twenties! And I feel silly using a cock ring.

An addiction by definition is bad especially if it affects your life and people you care about. The way you're talking you definitely feel that it affects those you care about so it is a problem. It may also be a problem if you spend a lot of time on your addiction. Masturbating 3 or 4 times a day when you have the time is great, but if you're short on time and other more important things start to take a back seat to your masturbation addiction then you definitely have a problem. Comparing it to addictions that you feel are worse doesn't mean that it isn't something you should deal with and conquer.

Cutting down is definitely a good option. Another option is to vary your masturbation style. When we get used to only one type of stimulation to bring us to orgasm then that will be the only type that will be able to bring us to orgasm. Trying different things that may not bring you to orgasm the first few times will be frustrating, but ultimately more rewarding. The goal is to be able to make your body more receptive to different types of touches and feelings. Try using lube, twisting your hand a different way, being in a different position when you masturbate (i.e. if you usually stand up, try sitting), try a masturbation sleeve, try a different amount of pressure, experiment with your breathing, etc. There are a lot of fun ways to experiment with masturbation.

You also may be the type of man who just doesn't orgasm through intercourse. You would not be alone on this. Unfortunately, in our society both men and women are made to feel inadequate if they don't receive mind blowing ecstasy when they have penile/vaginal intercourse. Try oral sex and mutual masturbation. You may find this to be more fulfilling. Show your new partner how you like to be touched so that she can please you. Don't just expect her to know and be patient with her. Even if you don't get off the first time doesn't mean it won't happen. Be sensitive to her feelings though since some women may take it personally when you are unable to orgasm.

And finally, if you want to please her then don't worry so much about intercourse. A lot of women get much more pleasure out of oral sex and mutual masturbation. Try using sex toys. To take an idea from Ian Kerner who wrote "She Comes First," don't think of these acts as foreplay; think of them as coreplay. Intercourse doesn't define sex.

Note: Cockrings aren't silly. Be more open minded. Cockrings can be a lot of fun, but you'll never know that if you never try them.

Feminism and Relationships

New studies suggest that feminists may actually have better romantic and sexual relationships. Makes sense to me! However, I think the author plays up the heterosexuality of feminists a bit too much. Sure the stereotype is that we're all lesbians and it isn't true, but don't discount the women who love women.

Read the article here.

STIs and Sexual Responsibility

We talk about safer sex, we talk about the risks associated with sex, we talk about the types of STIs, but what a lot of people don't talk about is what happens when you have an STI and the responsibilities you have towards your partner(s). This is where I start to get a little preachy.

Having sex is an enormous responsibility; one that most people take too lightly. There are a lot of risks: physical, emotional, and financial. Sex is a lot of fun, but we have to be adults about it. We have to take responsibility for our actions.

This means getting tested regularly and informing your partner(s) of your STI status before the clothes ever come off.

Lets keep in mind though that not all STIs are tested for and some (HPV in men) don't even have tests. So testing is not enough. Inspecting one's genitals and anus regularly is also a must. This doesn't have to be a downer. It is easy enough to inspect yourself when you masturbate and also when you clean yourself in the shower. You should know exactly how your genitals and anus feel so you know if there are any new bumps or sores. It is very important to know your body and to be aware of changes in it. Does it burn when you pee? Well for heaven's sake go to the doctor!

So what if you catch an STI?

If it is something curable like chlamydia, syphilis, or gonorrhea then it is important that you stop having sex. Why would you want to give anything that uncomfortable to someone who is giving you a lot of pleasure? Get treated and talk to anyone you've slept with recently to let them know that you have it and that they should go get tested. Before you start having sex again make sure that both you and your partner are cured.

If you contract herpes which will stay with you for the rest of your life or HPV which will be around for a couple years you need to tell anyone you are considering becoming sexually intimate with. Both of these are contagious even if you do not have warts or sores. Let the other person decide whether or not they want to take the risk. There is a good chance that many may reject you because of your STI, but that is something that you will just have to deal with. It isn't easy, but that does not mean it is ever ok for you to not tell someone you have it. I don't care if you've had sex with someone else and they never contracted it from you. This does not mean that you are not contagious. Be careful and honest and use protection. Keep in mind that even if both you and your partner have herpes or HPV you can continue to pass it to each other and make it worse.

If you contract HIV/AIDS I highly discourage any sort of casual sex. If you do choose to be sexually active that is a big decision that will have to be the responsibility of both you and your partner. Keeping in mind that even if you both have HIV you can continue to pass the virus to each other and put each other at further risk. Always use protection and I recommend being in a long term trusting relationship.

The Golden Rule is applicable to all of life including sex. Treat others the way you would want to be treated and the world will be a much happier, healthier place.

Improving your Cunnilingus Skills

In an ever growing world, for those looking to improve what oral skills they may have, what advice can you give to someone who wishes to improve their oral skills when going down on a woman?

1. Communication
2. Listen
3. Watch
4. Learn
5. Experiment

My advice above all advice on anything when it comes to learning how to better please your partner is communication. Ask her what she wants. If she doesn't have any ideas experiment with different things and have her tell you what feels good and what doesn't. People seem to have a fear of talking to their partner and asking them what they like, but how else are you supposed to figure it out? No one should just expect to know how to please their partner and no one should expect that their partner should just know what to do. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life.

Listen to your partner. Don't just listen to what she is telling you; listen to her breathing and her moaning. Pay attention to the sounds she is making.

Watch your partner. Watch her body to see how it moves and responds to what you're doing. Are her hips tilting toward you? If so you're probably doing a great job. Are her hips pulling away? You're probably doing too much too fast. Watch her hands, her writhing. Watching your partner's reactions to what you are doing for her is not only incredibly sexy, it is also very informative.

If you want to learn more techniques that maybe you and your partner haven't thought about there are lots of resources out there. If you live in a big liberal city look into workshops that may be held at places like feminist sex toy shops. Early to Bed in Chicago and Good Vibrations in San Francisco, for example, both hold lots of different workshops about sex. Books are another great option. I highly recommend The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides. It is really an amazing book that contains all things sexual. It has history, attitudes, anatomy, how to, etc. Another book to pick up that specifically deals with oral sex is She Comes First by Ian Kerner.

Just remember that you shouldn't be afraid to experiment to figure out what works for your partner. Try adding sex toys into the mix as well. A mini vibrating bullet under your tongue can be quite magical. Try teasing her more before you even get to her vulva. Make her beg you to lick her clit. You can even experiment with changing the temperature of your mouth by drinking something cold or hot right before you go down on her. Just make sure that what you're drinking doesn't have sugar in it as that could cause problems for her.

And above all, have fun! If you're not having fun it is not any fun for the receiver.

The Risk of Analingus

Can the case ever be made for licking someone's ass without a dental dam? (and lets face it.. dental dams are pretty unpopular)
Like if you just got out of the shower...

Although I appreciate it when someone goes through the extra trouble of licking my ass, would it be better for me to just say "Hey, I haven't washed my ass since this morning and I don't know what is lurking about down there."?

I view life, including sex, as pretty risky. It is all in how much you want to risk for what. We all take risks every day and for some things we choose to limit the risks and for others we don't. Driving or riding in a car is very risky, but we limit those risks by wearing seatbelts, owning cars with airbags, and abiding by the rules of the road. Now some people like to go really fast and that is taking a risk, but to them it is worth it.

The important part is knowing what risks you're taking, feeling like the risk is worth it, and not risking others without their consent. No one should take risks if they don't fully understand what is at risk.

So, what is at risk if one licks an anus without a barrier?

- E. Coli - This is a bacteria that lives in your intestines, but can get you pretty sick if you ingest someone else's. However, if you have been together for awhile this becomes a lot lower of a risk because after awhile you start to share the same intestinal bacteria with your partner.
- Hepatitis - No fun liver disease.
- Parasites - Think worms and such.
- STIs - The same stuff you can get from any sort of unprotected sex.

The better you know your partner, the longer you've been together, and the better your hygiene the less risks there are. It is a must to jump in the shower to wash right beforehand at the very least. However, washing between your cheeks will lower the risk of E. Coli, but not necessarily the others.

So are you and your partner willing to take this risk? That is up to you and your partner. I cannot condone any type of unprotected sex, but I feel that people have to evaluate their own risks and figure out what is important to them. If the above risks are not worth it to you or your partner then use a dental dam, a cut up condom, or a piece of saran wrap.

Pyrex: Not just for bakeware anymore

Dear Garnet-
A friend wants to know the benefits and safety of using pyrex dildos.
-Dishwasher Ready Dyke ;)

I know a lot of people's first reactions to pyrex dildos is "Eek glass! I'm not sticking that in me!" This is understandable, but there is no reason for this reaction. Pyrex is the same stuff they make glass measuring cups and bakeware out of. You can drop it and it won't break.

This does not mean you shouldn't ever inspect your pyrex toy for chips or cracks. You should inspect all of your toys when you clean them to make sure they are in good working order. However, a pyrex toy is going to last you a long time; about as long as your pyrex measuring cup. Many other types won't last anywhere near as long.

So what is so great about pyrex dildos? Oh gosh where to start ... Well we already know they have long life. They're also nonporous, meaning that nothing will get absorbed into the material (germies or lube) so it is easier to clean and you'll need less lube. They are glass so you can boil them or stick them in the dishwasher to clean them. Pyrex toys hold temperature so you can stick them in the freezer for a cool treat on a hot day or you can warm it up in hot water to match the temperature of your vagina/anus/mouth. They are harder than a lot of dildos, which could be good or bad depending on what you prefer. They are pretty and often look like pieces of art.

The downside is that they are expensive. However, with anything of quality you have to keep in mind that you get what you're paying for. The pyrex dildo is going to last you a long time so it may be worth a little more money. There are also a few pyrex toys out there that are cheaper. The simpler glass toys will run you around $45, which is comparable to most quality dildos.

Keep your questions coming! I'm enjoying answering them.

Fetish vs. Kink

What makes something a fetish?

That depends on if we're talking in psychological terms or in popular speech.

Popular language has defined a fetish as something that turns someone on that is not necessarily sexual in it's own right. For example: Someone who has a stocking fetish may become really aroused by a woman wearing stockings, but the stockings themselves are not sexual. They are just an article of clothing.

Psychologically speaking, a fetish is actually a mental health issue. A fetish is defined as something that is not necessarily sexual, but is needed by the user to become aroused. The difference here is in the level of necessity. The psychological term fetish means that someone actually is unable to become aroused without those stockings. This is a lot more serious and can cause problems especially if the fetish is more bizarre or even harmful to others.

Because of how fetish is defined psychologically, I prefer to use the term kink when referring to things that I or others like that are not necessarily sexual in their own right. So for example: Spanking, strap-ons, and old spice deodorant are some of my kinks. I do not require any of them to become aroused, but I do enjoy them.