Trust Women

Today is the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and the 5th annual Blog for Choice event. For the Past 5 years NARAL has been asking bloggers questions related to the right to choose in order to raise awareness for reproductive rights and ask what they mean to us. This year's question is:

In honor of Dr. George Tiller, who often wore a button that simply read, "Trust Women," this year's Blog for Choice question is:
What does Trust Women mean to you?

To me, trusting women is about understanding that we can make our own informed decisions. We do not need to be coddled. We do not need to be told misinformation in order to make the "right decision." We do not need to be forced to look at ultrasounds of the fetus to make a decision that we've already thought long and hard about. We do not need to be ordered by a court to do what is best for us and our families. If kids are given comprehensive sex education they will be given the tools with which to make informed decisions about sex and family planning. Women will have the ability to prevent unwanted pregnancies and to plan families if and when they want to. We need to help women to be able to make the right decisions for them by helping everyone to be educated about sex and sexuality.

I also think that part of trusting women is listening to their stories and having more women coming forward with them (if they so choose) to show that they make hard decisions that are right for them. Abortion especially is so demonized and we normally only talk about it in terms of rape or incest cases, but what about the rest of the women out there who get them? So many women feel like they can't come out and share their stories because they do not want to be demonized or judged for making a decision that was right for them. That was why I shared my story back in August soon after Dr. Tiller's murder. Read it here.

Related reading:
1. STIs and Sexual Responsibility
2. Contraception
3. Can you Get Pregnant from the Withdrawal Method?

Swinging

There are lots of different kinds of romantic and sexual relationships to be had. Unfortunately, the only one that our society seems to condone is heterosexual monogamy. And because our society pressures people into these types of relationships, the majority of Americans try to live by these standards even if its not what fits them. *cough* Tiger Woods *cough*

The next type of relationship that is slowly gaining ground is homosexual monogamy. Its not quite there yet, but it mimics the one type of relationship that the majority of society approves of, even if the majority of society doesn't actually participate in it. It is more comforting to the majority of Americans because it is similar to their own ideals … especially as they pin conforming gender characteristics on each of the partners. Because as we all know, someone has to be the girl and someone has to be the boy in the relationship. You can't see me, but I'm rolling my eyes here.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking either of these types of relationship. Heck, I'm in a monogamous relationship. I'm just saying that they're not for everyone. My wife and I are monogamous because we chose to be. We've also talked about the possibility that it might not be what we always want. We try to be honest about those possibilities and it would be nice if more people were honest about them as well. Because it does seem a little unlikely that everyone will be able to remain completely faithful for 50+ years of marriage.

What I always stress for everyone in any type of relationship is communication and honesty. And guess what, if you're trying to live up to an ideal of monogamy, but you don't have the ability to be monogamous, you're lying to your partner. You're putting them at risk for heartbreak and sexually transmitted infections and you're putting your relationship in jeopardy.

So what are your other options? There are a multitude of different types of open relationships. I've discussed some parts of them before. But my problem is that I almost always default to talking about or thinking about polyamorous relationships. The reason for this is because I have my own personal ideas about what makes a relationship a good one. No one is without faults here. I definitely place judgment in this area, which is no good because I try to be judgment free. But the reason I tend to prefer poly relationships is because there is often a strong emphasis on communication, honesty, and safer sex. And because its also just more queer friendly than some of the other options. Plus, while sex is awesome, I tend to prefer my sexual relationships to be with people I have genuine feelings for (whether romantic or not, I like to have a friendship) and poly folks often talk about how they just have a lot of love to share. So today I'm going to spend some time talking about a different option: swinging

I've made myself research the topic instead of just telling you what my preconceived notions of swinging are. Because, as I found while I was researching, my preconceived notions were often at least slightly false.

Okay, so what is swinging? Normally, swinging is done by white, middle or upper-middle class, middle aged professional heterosexual couples and single women, with the occasional single man sprinkled in for some variety. -I feel like I'm giving you a recipe.- The belief amongst a lot of these straight couples is that by playing together within their marriage, they are saving their marriage. This is exactly what I was talking about before about being open with each other about not wanting monogamy. These couples will often go to special swinger parties, bars, vacations, etc. in order to pick up other couples or single women. The internet is also used a lot to find others into the swinging lifestyle (more on this later). Then once the couple finds another couple or single that they both find attractive, they engage in different types of sexual play based off of what they have agreed on as a couple previously. There's that fantastic communication again! They may decide to engage in penis-in-vagina intercourse, anal sex, oral sex, handjobs, or just massages.

So far swinging sounds pretty fantastic, right? So what's my beef with it?

Well, one of the biggest reasons I didn't like swinging was because I had the preconceived notion that they weren't big on having safer sex. Well, I did a little research and actually found that most swingers clubs that allow sexual activity on the premises actually require condom use. Well that's awesome! However, I still don't think that they use as much protection as necessary if they are going to be playing around with several different partners. They should also be using gloves and dental dams as well as condoms for oral sex, not just intercourse.

Promiscuity ups your chances of contracting an STI and while condoms can protect against some stuff, they don't protect against everything. A lot of people don't seem to know this, but HPV can be spread through hands. Person A gives Person B a handjob. Person B has genital warts. Person A gets a wart on their hand. Person A gives Person C a handjob and now Person C has genital warts. Not to mention Person B spreading the warts down to their genitals from masturbation and then to their own partner. Yay we have an epidemic! So, I'd really like to see swingers, and everyone else, use more safer sex practices more often. Its just smart.

The next reason I'm not too big on the lifestyle is totally my own personal issue. As I mentioned before, I prefer to have sex with someone that I can have some sort of relationship with. Whether this is love or just a good friendship depends on the person, but in general, it feels more rewarding and safer (knowing their health status and their protection rates) than having one night stands or shallow relationships. Keeping in mind that I've had A LOT of one night stands so I'm really not one to speak on the topic. But swingers, in general, tend to keep their relationships pretty shallow in order to keep the jealousy angle out of their marriage. That way they don't have to worry about their partner leaving them for someone else they met at a swingers club. Now I want to make this very clear that there really isn't anything wrong with this. This is just my own personal belief system and you should not make any decisions based on my own hangups.

Finally, I am a bit against swinging because the lifestyle can be a tad homophobic. The swinging lifestyle mostly caters to heterosexual couples and bisexual or bi-curious women. The women are allowed , and sometimes even assumed, to have an attraction to other women while the men are supposed to be completely heterosexual. Now, this isn't always the case, but amongst most swinging circles, it is very taboo for a man to desire or touch another man. And you know, that's cool if that's not what you're interested in. But its very limiting to men who may be bisexual themselves. So what if another dude hits on you and you're not into it? You say no and he respects your answer. This is exactly what is supposed to happen in the swinging lifestyle when a man hits on a woman and she's not interested. She says no and he respects her rejection.

Along those same lines though is why I actually have to give some props to the swinging lifestyle. The women, in general, are in control. There tends to be a lot less coercion going on within the lifestyle because without the women's consent, there will be no play. This is at least what I've read over and over from people who are in the lifestyle. There are a lot of rules based around making sure the women are fully consenting and enjoying themselves.

So why am I telling you all this? Mostly in hopes that anyone who is participating in, or is interested in getting involved in the swinger lifestyle can maybe learn some things from me and take them into their meetings and clubs. Change is always possible. One can dream, right?

For those of you who are considering swinging or any type of open relationship, or for those who are more seasoned, but are interested in learning more, as always, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's book Opening Up. She goes over the ins and outs of all types of open relationships.

But once you've read up on swinging and you decide you want to participate in it, how do you go about doing that? Swingers clubs don't exactly advertise on TV or billboards along the highway. The internet is always a great resource for these kinds of things, but with anything sexual there are always risks. So many websites where people can find sex are just filled with scammers and prostitutes. And if you don't want a prostitute, that can get pretty damn frustrating.

So where does one turn? Not to Craigslist. Good luck finding anyone legit there. I was recently pointed to LifestyleLounge and I gotta say that if you're a heterosexual swinger, this site could definitely be for you. One of the key things that makes this site better than a lot of others is the “real seal”, which lets you know that these people are real, not scammers. One gets the seal by first meeting with someone else from the website. The downside to this of course is that you will have to convince someone you're real so they'll meet you and be willing to stamp you in. But once that happens, you're golden. One thing to keep in mind though is that even if someone has the real seal, it doesn't mean they are safe. Always meet in public first. This is a good tactic anyways since you don't know if you'll have chemistry in real life. Its better to meet and talk a bit in a safer space before say, going back to someone's hotel room.

Lifestyle Lounge also has news on local swingers events going on in your neighborhood, messageboards so you can learn more about the lifestyle from your fellow swingers, chatrooms, and even a travel planner so you can meet up with others while you visit other cities or while they visit your city. Its pretty in depth which is important because it is a pay-site, but there is a free 7 day trial.

There are even direct links for local sites which makes it easier to find couples in your neighborhood. So say I want to check out swingers events in my neighborhood, I would go to Chicago Swingers because I live in Chicago. If you lived in Milwaukee you'd go here to search for Milwaukee swingers. You get the idea.

In searching around the website, I did find the same kinds of issues I talked about above. For example, if you try to sign up as a queer couple you'll find you can't. Signing up as a couple automatically assumes you're in a heterosexual relationship even though the site does give you the opportunity to state being interested in gay men and women. Maybe they'll fix that? I won't hold my breath, but as I said before, if you're a hetero couple this may be the site for you.


Some things to keep in mind before getting involved in the lifestyle:

• Swingers tend to be pretty vanilla. Not much kink going on. Other scenes are better if you're kinky. BDSM sex clubs anyone? I know I'll be checking one out soon … details later … maybe ...

• Orgies tend to be pretty darn rare. In general it seems to be more “wife swapping” but often in the same room

• There are VERY few gay, lesbian, or trans folks that identify as swingers

• Swingers tend to be a pretty close knit group, which means that if you don't respect people's boundaries and follow rules you will get weeded out quickly.

• Even though most conservative groups would consider swinging to be adultery, it is rarely brought up in politics the way that other relationships are (ex: gay marriage and BDSM). And I could probably write another whole blog just on this topic.

• Swingers go on vacations together and often take over whole hotels. Which, admittedly, sounds kind of fun.

• There are a few swinger communities that support male/male attraction and host events that cater towards bisexual men and women, but they are few and far between. If you're interested in this, you'll really need to do your research.

Related Reading:
1. Wife Unsure About Sex With Others
2. STIs and Sexual Responsibility
3. The 3 C's of Sex

Disclaimer: This post has been paid for by Loud Launch which helps bloggers and advertisers connect. Loud Launch is working as an agent for Lifestyle Lounge. All opinions are my own and I never let anyone tell me what to write or how to write it.

But I'm Not a Rapist

This is a rather late response to a few blogs. The reason is that I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to write on the topic, but then I couldn't stop thinking about it. So obviously I just need to get this out on the internets so that I can get it out of my head.

The blogs that sparked this post:

Britni is Shameless

Hubman's Hangout

There's really just one issue that I want to address here and that is this idea that men are offended when women say that they feel the need to look at every man as a potential rapist.

First of all, 1/3^rd of all women will be the victim of sexual assault in their lifetime (source pdf). Many of those women are assaulted more than once. That is a LOT of sexual assault. But you know that someone has to be assaulting these women. And we also know that men are the main perpetrators of violent crime (source). So logically, men are the ones assaulting these women. How come we never hear statistics of how many men are rapists? 1/3^rd of women are sexually assaulted, but what fraction of men are doing the assaulting? And since men commit the most violent crimes against each other, why aren't men more afraid of other men?

So considering how many women are assaulted and how men are almost always the perpetrators, isn't it just a survival tactic to be wary around men? And I think the biggest problem here is that we're more wary around men we don't know, which is a problem since its usually the ones we do know who attack us. Do we think all men are rapists? No, but its difficult to tell which ones are and which ones aren't. Sometimes its safer to assume that a man we just met is a rapist so that we take extra precautions.

One of the most powerful statements I've heard about this subject is actually from a man. I've posted the video on my blog here before, but to reiterate he says “Ask a woman in your life who you care about, how her life would be different if the threat of sexual assault didn't exist. And listen to what she says; don't talk just listen to what she says. Because you will see how constrained her life is.” I think that part of the reason that men may feel offended by our statements is because they don't really try to understand what women go through every day of their lives. I've never been outright raped or assaulted. Its actually difficult to define the sexual violations I've experienced because they don't follow the usual definitions. But needless to say, I have felt violated in many ways. And like most women, I live in constant fear. Its a fear that is ingrained within us from childhood. Talk to your female loved ones and really listen to what they have to say.

I don't think that men should be offended by the statement that every man is a potential rapist. The reaction: “Well, I'm not a rapist” is a way of blocking out the problem. Its a way of saying that its not your problem. As if the problem only lies with women and their rapists. We desperately need men to fight against rape along side of us. Instead of being offended and throwing up a wall, be shocked by the statement, understand it, and work to change it. If we are ever going to see an end to sexual assault we need men to help us.

What needs to be done is we need to change our culture. Instead of always telling women to protect themselves we need to understand that the culture encourages men to rape women. We need to stop blaming women for being assaulted. We need to change our views of sex, ownership, and gender. The onus needs to be placed on those who perpetuate a culture of violence and rape.

You may never have raped or assaulted a woman yourself, but have you made a joke about sexually or physically abusing a woman? Have you laughed at jokes like these that your friends tell? Or have you even just sat by being offended by what someone is saying about women, but you haven't spoken up? Has a woman told you that she has been sexually assaulted and you didn't believe her? Or maybe you thought that if only she wasn't such a slut/drunk/risk taker that maybe she wouldn't have gotten raped in the first place? Have you ever assumed that a woman bringing a rape case against a star athlete was just in it for the money? Have you ever offered a woman drinks in order to try to have sex with her? When a woman says no to sex, do you try to convince her otherwise or do you just let it go? When you have sex with a woman do you make sure that she is an engaged and active partner or is the lack of “no” enough consent for you? Have you ever catcalled a woman on the street? Have you ever felt entitled to have sex with a woman because you bought her something or took her out? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are guilty of participating in rape culture. And I guarantee you that most people will probably answer yes to at least one. No one is perfect, but we need to realize what we're doing and change it in order to eradicate rape from our society.

Recommended Resources:

Tough Guise

Men Can Stop Rape

Yes Means Yes

Men Against Sexual Violence
The National Organization for Men Against Sexism
One in Four
Jackson Katz

In Defense of Squirting

The sex blogging community was all a buzz last night because of a post written on Toy with Me. This particular post basically ranted about how disgusting female ejaculation is. The author, The Kinky Jew, also touched on a lot of issues she has with porn. The original post can be read here: Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

There are a lot of comments on this post, but I prefer to respond to the article with one of my own. So this is my response.

First of all, lets just get into the issue of porn. Her issue is that she feels that the women of porn are an ideal she can't live up to. This hits on some of the themes I tackled in a previous post and the problem is really similar. While the woman who wrote in to me was comparing herself to the women in porn, The Kinky Jew feels the need to compete with them. Neither of these are very productive. Mainstream porn just isn't real. Most people don't look like that and most people don't fuck like that. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to fuck like most people in mainstream porn. It looks like a whole lot of no fun to me. This is why I tend to not watch mainstream porn. I prefer porn that I find hot. Maybe the Kinky Jew should follow suit? Especially if what she wants is average looking women fucking then she should definitely watch amateur porn.

She also complains about this supposedly wide spread epidemic of squirting in porn. What porn is she watching? There is definitely a niche for squirting porn just like there is a niche for bondage and foot worship, but these things are hardly in every or even close to most porn you'll find. I actually have a friend who went to LA to get into the porn business because she LOVES fucking and she was treated as a bit of a freak because she is a squirter. So yeah ... Definitely not everywhere.

The Kinky Jew feels that this is just one more area in which she has to compete with the ladies of porn. I can understand that feeling. But I don't feel like that pressure is just from porn. I feel like that pressure comes from the sex business in general and consumerism as a whole. We are always made to feel inadequate for not having or doing certain things. I have women who come into the sex shop all the time who are frustrated because they can't seem to get this huge amazing orgasm from their g-spot. They've read about it from sex educators or Cosmo or talked about it with their friends. They can't get their g-spot to work right and it makes them feel like something is wrong with them or they are less of a woman because of this. And g-spot stimulation and squirting often go hand in hand here. In talking to these women I often find that they have wonderful clitoral orgasms, but they've been made to feel like that is just not enough. The g-spot doesn't do it for everyone. For some people it just makes them feel like they have to pee. The same is the case for squirting. You shouldn't feel inadequate for not doing something that other women can do, but you also shouldn't shun them for it. As long as we can derive pleasure from sex, what does it matter what hot new spot is out there? Sure try it if you want to, but if it doesn't work for you don't despair. There are women out there who are just struggling to have an orgasm or even enjoy sex at all.

And on that note, in the About the Site section, the owner of the site (not sure who since there are several contributors) talks about how the purpose of this blog is to reclaim her own sexuality after her libido and her vagina dried up. This sounds like it would be a sex positive journey, but this and several other posts on this blog are actually very shaming.

How could it not be shaming to say that squirting is disgusting? The Kinky Jew says that it is unclean and compares it to unnatural and magic acts. Squirting is NORMAL. Not all women do it, but there are many women who do. And one of the reasons that many people find it to be a desirable trait is because it is a physical representation of a woman's pleasure. After your husband has ejaculated have you ever rubbed it all over your body and thought that it felt really sexy? Its kind of like that. His ejaculate is a physical representation of his orgasm and its fucking hot.

And now for story time:
When I was much younger and first starting to explore my sexuality I fucked this guy for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't non-stop; I was also doing laundry. Multi-tasking! Sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, sex in my room, sex in the laundry room, repeat. It helped that at the time I liked wearing sexy dresses with no undies while I did my laundry. At one point when I was on top of him I just gushed all over him. Odd thing was that I hadn't even had an orgasm - I wasn't orgasming with partners yet. I also didn't know what female ejaculation was. Neither of us really freaked out about it, but we kind of sniffed at it to make sure it wasn't pee- it didn't smell like it. We just kind of laughed it off and assumed it was my body's way of saying "Ok enough already jeez!"

A couple years later I was in a relatively steady relationship with a guy and every so often when I'd orgasm I'd ejaculate. I didn't know what was going on and it was super embarrassing to me. I knew I wasn't peeing, but I didn't really know what was happening and I thought it weird and would stop all action after it happened.

About a year later I kind of put two and two together and figured out that I was ejaculating, but still wasn't super comfortable with it. And then I became a camgirl. A fellow porn model friend of mine bought me an amazing glass dildo for my birthday and when I would masturbate with it I would gush gallons every single time. The arousal I experienced of being watched, combined with the amazing g-spot pressure created by the glass dildo, always made me soak through towels folded up several times. And the people who watched me LOVED IT! They loved the faces of pure ecstasy I would make combined with the squirting. It really helped me to embrace my squirting to know that others found it to be hot. Soon after that I dated a guy who loved to be covered in my ejaculate. And that helped even more.

And then ... I started to experience more and more pain in my body. Pain that doctors have not been able to explain. And that once amazing glass dildo started to hurt. Since then I have been able to achieve amazing g-spot orgasms again with softer materials, but I no longer squirt. At first it made me feel inadequate, but I got over that and learned to embrace the pleasure that my body could still create. I will admit that the one thing I don't miss is the clean-up. But that wasn't really a huge problem anyways. Most of the time I felt like it was totally worth it.

However, there were times where squirting did make me feel a bit like a circus freak. That was when I had partners who would seem to be solely in the sex for the squirting. Needless to say, those partners did not last long.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't shame people for how they experience pleasure. What people's bodies do naturally in the throes of ecstasy can be very embarrassing when they are told that it is disgusting, impossible, or wrong. Instead, we should be celebrating healthy sexuality. If its not your cup of tea or its not something that you can do, that's fine, but lets not shun others for consensual activity. And also, if what you want is amateur porn then watch amateur porn!

For more info on squirting check out my previous blog post explaining what it is, where it comes from, and how it happens here.

**UPDATE: The Kinky Jew has replied to all of the responses to her blog post here. I for one agree with her on the way the comments got out of hand. Just because we can't see you doesn't mean you shouldn't be held responsible for what you say. People felt very strongly about the subject, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intelligent debate that doesn't devolve into name calling and holocaust references. I accept her apology for having offended me and I hope that she agrees that my arguments were completely respectful. I tried to keep them as such.**

How to Approach Women Without Being Maced

Today on Feministing they linked to an amazing article A Guy's Guide to Approaching Strange Women Without Being Maced. The article describes what goes through a woman's head when a strange man approaches her in public. And I think it is a wonderful way of opening up men's (and even women's) eyes as to what women go through on a daily basis. And no matter how amazingly attractive you find a woman, there are certain circumstances in which you should never approach her. I have definitely been hit on when walking alone down a dark street before. Like HELLO!?!? Women constantly live with the fear of being assaulted and I don't think most men really realize that.

Which reminds me of a video that a friend of mine posted in his blog (really hope he doesn't mind the gank - I'll take it down if he does) which featured interviews from a Men Against Sexual Violence (MASV) conference that he put on in Chicago several months ago. Its a bit rough, but it has some very powerful moments. The moment that really sticks with me is at about 8:20-9:30. Love those guys!

My Story

In light of recent events – specifically Dr. Tiller’s murder, federal marshals being removed from the aide of Dr. Carhart, and the ongoing violence focused on reproductive health clinics – I’ve decided to tell my own story. I believe that it is extremely important for women (and men) to come out and talk about how their reproductive health clinics have helped them and why they are a positive necessity in our society. We should all tell our own stories.

My story isn’t a pretty packaged story about how I was a victim of incest or rape. Not that these stories are ever pretty, but they are the ones that so often come to view when we are talking about women who need to be able to have abortions. The stories of innocence lost. The women who “deserve” to have a pregnancy terminated. What about the rest of us? We all need control over our own bodies.

I expect that a lot of people won’t agree with my decisions. And I also expect that there may be some backlash because of it. But I refuse to hide when the people who are trying to help women are being murdered.

I tell this story from a sex positive viewpoint; the idea that there is nothing inherently evil about sex. In fact there is a lot of good in it, but there are risks as well.

When I was 18 I was a typical teenager. I thought I was invincible. I thought that nothing bad could happen. And so, even though I knew full well what the consequences were, I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend. I was not a victim of abstinence-only education, I had comprehensive sex ed starting in 5th grade. I was also raised in a sex positive household where information about sex and condoms were always available. I did know better. But I was in love and the sex was fantastic.

What I didn’t know was that I was with a young man who was also extremely fertile, as many 18 year olds are. He hadn’t told me that he had gotten two other women pregnant before me. And he definitely should have known better. But we’re both to blame for what happened. A couple of months before my 19th birthday I got pregnant.

I had always thought that if I got pregnant before I was ready that I would have an abortion. It would be an easy decision. When it actually happened I was struck by how difficult the decision actually was. After all, this life had been created out of love.

After thinking about it for a few weeks though I knew that it was the right decision. I had not been planning on bringing a baby into the world and was smoking at the time. Not a great way to start a pregnancy. My mom, a very supportive woman in general, refused to support me emotionally or financially if I chose to have the child. My boyfriend whom I loved dearly, all of a sudden disappeared when I became pregnant. I had my whole life ahead of me. And even dedicating 9 months to pregnancy was a burden my body could not handle. The first couple months that I did go through were awful and I knew it would only get worse. My body has always had issues with health and pain.

I did not know how to go about seeking an abortion. I am so incredibly lucky that it all turned out as well as it did considering I was doing my research via the yellow pages and, being a broke teenager, cost was my main concern. Had I lived in the Bible Belt instead of a suburb of Chicago I’m sure I would have ended up talking to a crisis center that would’ve misinformed me about pregnancy and abortion. And in my relatively fragile state, that would have been very difficult to deal with.

Ten days after my 19th birthday my best friend took me to a women’s reproductive health clinic. There were lots of women with boyfriends in the waiting room. I was the only one with my best friend.

I don’t really remember much of that day except for having a difficult time peeing in the cup, accidentally stepping on a button on the floor in the operating room that made a loud noise, waking up in another room with my underwear back on, and my best friend taking care of me that evening (mmm Blue’s Clues macaroni and cheese). But it all went pretty well.

As the years went on I became pretty loyal to Planned Parenthood. I really wish I had gotten the procedure there, but I’m happy that it went well. Planned Parenthood has been there for me through thick and thin. They’ve helped me through condom breakage, STI testing, genital warts, pap smears, putting me on the pill to prevent pregnancy, and then keeping me on it to prevent ovarian cysts. They’ve been there when I’ve cried, they’ve laughed at my jokes, and they’ve been non-judgmental of my lifestyle choices. They’ve been like a really good friend to me. And as a good friend I’ve tried my best to give back as well. I’ve donated time and money to them. I ran the local college campus chapter of VOX (Planned Parenthood’s student outreach) and I’ve worked as an escort keeping myself between women entering and leaving the clinic and those who did not agree with why they thought those women were there. I will always support Planned Parenthood and I hope that they are always able to support me.

Homophobia and the Media

I really enjoy watching the media tackle homophobia (especially since most of the time it seems to just support the status quo) and here are two recent examples that made me happy.

Staff writer at the Washington Post, Hank Stuever, tackles the question "Why can't a kiss just be a kiss?". It is about the obsession of asking straight male actors about their onscreen gay kisses and their often homophobic responses. Apparently a straight man kissing another man is so disgusting that it makes actors oscar worthy if they do it.

And here is another example that just ... well tickled me pink. I mean I've always loved John Stewart, but now I have an even bigger reason to love him. Watch as he asks Mike Huckabee about same-sex marriage.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Awesome, right?

VOTE!!

Don't forget to vote today!

And if you're in California, vote against proposition 4 and 8.
If you're in Florida, vote against amendment 2.
If you're in Arizona, vote against proposition 102.
If you're in Arkansas, vote against act 1.
If you're in Connecticut, vote against question 1.
If you're in Colorado, vote against amendment 46 and 48.
If you're in South Dakota, vote against measure 11.
If you're in Oregon, vote against measure 58.
If you're in Nebraska, vote against initiative 424.

Hate and intolerance are never a good thing. For more information on ballot measures in your state, visit CNN.com

Buy Porn and Fight Inequality!!

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"That's So Gay"

Something that drives me absolutely crazy is when people say "that's so gay" when referring to something they think is dumb. It is offensive and hurts me a little every time I hear it. I try to get people to stop, but I often find that they don't even understand why it is offensive. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way so it is great to see that there are now ads trying to convince teens to stop using the phrase. Check them out:

Zivity.com

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I was busy celebrating mine and my fiance's birthdays which just happen to be only two days apart. This makes for a birthday extravaganza. Also, you guys haven't been sending me any questions which makes me sad. As much as I enjoy ranting I don't think that's all that you want to read about. So send me questions! I know that every single one of you has to have at least one question about sex, sexuality, and/or gender. Maybe you even think you know a lot about certain topics, but I may be able to add to that knowledge. So send me questions!

Anyhoo, on with my rant. There is this new adult website, Zivity, that is making the claim that their goal is to capture and share the beauty of women. They specifically say: "We want our photo galleries to be as diverse as possible. As such, we encourage women of all sizes, races, ages, styles to participate. We want women who are proud of how they look and recognize that beauty comes in many different forms." Definitely a very lofty goal and one that I totally agree with and support. However, upon looking at this site I find that the models are not really that diverse. Most of the women are very thin, young, and white. There is a sprinkling of women of color and a few women who I would call curvy and thick, but wouldn't even go as far as calling them chubby. There doesn't seem to be much of an age difference in any of the models I saw. They range from 19 to maybe early 30s. I would hardly call this selection diverse. Now it is a relatively new site so I am hoping that the photo sets will continue to become more diverse.

But then there's this whole other part of the site that I pretty strongly disagree with. Somewhere along the line people got the idea that only certain types of pictures of women can be empowering and can celebrate the beauty that is woman. And these pictures can never be explicit. This is not something I understand. If we are all being sex positive and enjoying the beauty that is woman, why oh why are explicit pictures deemed demeaning and exploitative? Is it somehow better if a woman keeps her legs closed and doesn't reveal her sexual desires? Is it somehow better if we claim it as art and not pornography because she is not having an orgasm, but is just posing prettily for our viewing pleasure? Now if the woman doesn't want to do these things for the camera that is totally up to her, but what about the women who feel that an expression of their beauty and their sexuality includes masturbating with a big dildo and ejaculating all over the place? Well Zivity won't allow for that. In fact their content guidelines specifically say "Because Zivity is focused on celebrating the beauty of women, photo sets on Zivity do not depict men, sex acts (including masturbation), death themes, gore, pets or other animals, child themes, or real or implied bodily fluids (blood, fake blood, etc)." If you want it to be more of a cheesecake site then say that. Burlesque is plenty empowering, extremely sexy, and completely cheesecake and I've never heard anyone say burlesque celebrates the beauty of women and that is why they don't have sex on stage. By saying that sex acts don't celebrate the beauty of women is to make the implication that sex somehow makes a woman not beautiful. And I for one think that a woman masturbating is one of the most beautiful things on this earth!

All that said, the women are beautiful and I think I have a bit of a crush on Sash (pictured above). For more pictures of the site and another take on it (that I agree with) check out Fleshbot's take on Zivity.com. Or you could just apply for a one month free membership like I did and check it out for yourself.

Studies of Homosexuality

The science world has been coming out with a lot of different studies about the biological differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals in an attempt to better understand how and why (biologically) homosexuality occurs in humans. Some of these studies include:

- Different brain sizes
- Sexually antagonistic selection
- Birth order

I think it is very important to study sexuality and not just homosexuality, but all types. However, there are also things one should keep in mind when reading or talking about these studies. Because while I think science can be a wonderful thing, it can also be subject to cultural and personal biases. Recently a strong intelligent feminist woman, Susan Skoog, put it very well in response to the article about different brain sizes (copied with her permission):

"There are some major problems with sexuality studies like this.

1. When neurologists try to determine once and for all the "innate" causes of sexuality, they don't realize the culturally-dependent framework they're using. That is, what do "gay" and "straight" mean to the researchers? How do they determine "gay" brains in the sample? By the self-reported preference of the subjects? By a survey of sexual behaviors over time? By their "deviance" from "straight" behavior? By their measured response to sexual stimuli?

All of these criteria are contingent upon subjective reflection and agreement upon terms (totally valid in the social sciences and in our personal sexual lives, but NOT in the realm of biological research.) For example, am I a lesbian if I have slept with women in the past year? The past 10 years? Or if I have never slept with one, but they turn me on? Or if (like the radicalesbians of the 1970s) I identify politically with women-loving-women? Who gets to say?

(referencing a point made earlier by someone else) I second the point about bisexuality. In every study I've read, bisexuality has been made invisible or given short shrift by being lumped into the study samples as "straight" or "gay" depending on the researcher. If bi means gay, we have a problem.

This philosophizing about "what is gay?" may at first seem like splitting hairs, but unless we can create objective operational definitions about sexual orientation, there's no way to do science about it.

Sexual tastes are not static entities-- everyone's sexuality develops and becomes enriched throughout life, and may even contradict itself. One person may go through many labels. To some people, their orientation has always been rock-solid. Others wrestle to develop/discover themselves more slowly. Still others refuse to define themselves at all. Are scientists going to look for the biological underpinnings of each of these?

Sexuality is much more than gender-choice; it's layered like an onion. Which is not to say that sexuality may be willfully changed either. I see no evidence to support anyone forcing themselves or others out of their sexuality.

2. Many of the brain studies (such as Simon LeVay's hypothalamic region study, and others' explorations of hormonal balances) sought to look for the ways in which male homosexuals' brains were "feminized." This confuses gender identity/expression with sexual preference and is dangerously unscientific.

3. Much of the sexuality research of the past 125 years has been focused on finding the biological quality separating gay people from everyone else. Straight brains are the controls in these studies--this is a big problem. When so little research has been performed on "straight" brains to find out how they tick sexually, how can we look at homosexuality without reducing it to an aberration from straightness? This reinforces the conception that all queerness is a flawed version of "normal" sexual response, as if there was such a thing.

I believe these sex researchers, for the most part, have good intentions, but their methods are inadequate, and their biases go unexamined. This is with the marked exception of the homophobic and transphobic Dr. Michael Bailey, who has stated publicly that if scientists could find the cause of homosexuality, he would strive to cure it."

Whether or not you agree with all of her points, it is important to keep each of them in mind when you read studies like these. Critical thinking is a much needed skill that many people seem to no longer employ when scientists or journalists start talking.

People Who Like to Eat Stuff Off of Each Other

It has been awhile since I have posted a rant. It is definitely past due. This rant's subject is people who like to eat stuff off of each other.

Working in a sex shop I've noticed that many people seem to want to eat stuff off of each other. I'm fine with that. I can see how it can be sexy and I've even participated in it a little bit myself. However, what annoys me is that people seem to want things that are specialized for sex to eat off each other. This is dumb. If you want to eat something chocolaty off of each other get chocolate syrup or nutella. It is a helluva lot cheaper and tastes better. We're seriously talking like 10x cheaper in some cases. And then there is edible underwear. Yuck! It is like a fruit roll up, but worse. And women should really not be putting sugary things near their vulvas.

The worst part is that there is no such thing as stuff you can eat off of each other that is actually specialized for sex. You still can't put it on (or even worse, in) a woman's vulva without the worry of her getting an infection and you're still going to be sticky after you're done. So really, save yourself the money and just buy some chocolate syrup or whipped cream or whatever at the grocery store.

But hey, as long as everyone keeps buying the edible sex play stuff, sex shops will keep selling them.

The one exception that I have found for this is Honey Dust. You still shouldn't put it on a woman's vulva, but you won't end up sticky and it has multiple uses. It is really light tasting so it will take longer for you to get tired of the taste and there's no pressure to lick it all off because it won't leave you sticky and will actually help to absorb sweat. You can dust it in your sheets to absorb sweat and make them smell nice. Heck in the summer I even use honey dust in my sandals to keep my feet dry and sweet smelling.

Vulva Just Rolls Off the Tongue

I thought we'd start the new year right with a little feminist rant from me. This rant is specifically about the female genitals being referred to as the vagina.

This is something that has bothered me for awhile now, but was most humorously brought to my attention by the writings on a bathroom stall. Some obviously sex positive, queer women (ah how I love liberal city colleges) wrote about how much they loved to eat pussy and how it was such a beautiful thing. A response by one woman (I'm assuming these were women since it was the women's bathroom) was something along the lines of "Ladies lets have respect for ourselves! It is a vagina, not a pussy!"

First of all, let me say that I have no problem with the word pussy. If that is how you want to refer to your genitals, by all means go ahead. I also enjoy cunt quite a bit.

The problem I actually had with this, besides the fact that referring to one's genitals as pussy is not disrespectful as long as you enjoy the word, was that she was telling women to respect themselves by referring to their genitals by an incorrect, and I think rather disrespectful, name.

Let me make myself clear here. The vagina is a wonderful thing, but it does not refer to the entire genital area of a woman. You cannot in fact "go down on" or "eat out" a woman's vagina, which is what the other women were talking about on that stall wall. If you spend all of your time trying to go specifically for the vagina you will end up with an incredibly sore tongue because the vagina only refers to the internal canal. And while some women do enjoy a bit of tongue fucking in their vagina, it is hardly the main goal in oral sex.

There are a couple reasons why I do not like it when a woman's genitals as a whole are referred to as her vagina. The first, which I stated above, is that it is incorrect. Both men and women need to know more about women's bodies and incorrectly referring to the whole shebang as a vagina promotes ignorance. Did you know that many women still think that they urinate out of their vagina? Maybe you are one of them. Maybe if we did not refer to the whole thing as a vagina then we would all know that women urinate out of their urethra just like men do. You can see where this could become confusing.

Second, I think that referring to the whole area as a vagina is sexist. In Western Society there is a huge focus on penetration. Many don't believe that you can even have sex without penetration. This is why so many people are confused by lesbians because without a penis to penetrate each other with they can't possibly have sex. Notice how a man is always necessary in sex, but a woman is not? Although considered deviant, two men can have sex because there is a penetrator and a penetratee.

My point here is that sex = penetration in our society and the socially acceptable thing to penetrate is a vagina. There is no need for the rest of the female genitals nor the rest of the woman really in this definition of sex. This type of sex focuses on the pleasure of men, not women.

So lets make a pact to only call the female genitals by their correct names. I mean after all who refers to a man's testicles as his penis? The whole outside of a woman's genitals is called the vulva. Many people seem to have an aversion to the word. I didn't like it at first either. I learned to love it by thinking about how much I love vulvas and really dragging out the word. Put a long u in there and bring some sensuality to those v's. You'll learn to love it too.

The names for all of the wonderful parts of the vulva can be found in the diagram here.

As to the bathroom stall writings, I actually responded with a comment of my own. This was the one and only time I have ever written on a bathroom wall, but I felt my input was necessary. I wrote "Actually it is vulva, but I always liked cunt!"

STIs and Sexual Responsibility

We talk about safer sex, we talk about the risks associated with sex, we talk about the types of STIs, but what a lot of people don't talk about is what happens when you have an STI and the responsibilities you have towards your partner(s). This is where I start to get a little preachy.

Having sex is an enormous responsibility; one that most people take too lightly. There are a lot of risks: physical, emotional, and financial. Sex is a lot of fun, but we have to be adults about it. We have to take responsibility for our actions.

This means getting tested regularly and informing your partner(s) of your STI status before the clothes ever come off.

Lets keep in mind though that not all STIs are tested for and some (HPV in men) don't even have tests. So testing is not enough. Inspecting one's genitals and anus regularly is also a must. This doesn't have to be a downer. It is easy enough to inspect yourself when you masturbate and also when you clean yourself in the shower. You should know exactly how your genitals and anus feel so you know if there are any new bumps or sores. It is very important to know your body and to be aware of changes in it. Does it burn when you pee? Well for heaven's sake go to the doctor!

So what if you catch an STI?

If it is something curable like chlamydia, syphilis, or gonorrhea then it is important that you stop having sex. Why would you want to give anything that uncomfortable to someone who is giving you a lot of pleasure? Get treated and talk to anyone you've slept with recently to let them know that you have it and that they should go get tested. Before you start having sex again make sure that both you and your partner are cured.

If you contract herpes which will stay with you for the rest of your life or HPV which will be around for a couple years you need to tell anyone you are considering becoming sexually intimate with. Both of these are contagious even if you do not have warts or sores. Let the other person decide whether or not they want to take the risk. There is a good chance that many may reject you because of your STI, but that is something that you will just have to deal with. It isn't easy, but that does not mean it is ever ok for you to not tell someone you have it. I don't care if you've had sex with someone else and they never contracted it from you. This does not mean that you are not contagious. Be careful and honest and use protection. Keep in mind that even if both you and your partner have herpes or HPV you can continue to pass it to each other and make it worse.

If you contract HIV/AIDS I highly discourage any sort of casual sex. If you do choose to be sexually active that is a big decision that will have to be the responsibility of both you and your partner. Keeping in mind that even if you both have HIV you can continue to pass the virus to each other and put each other at further risk. Always use protection and I recommend being in a long term trusting relationship.

The Golden Rule is applicable to all of life including sex. Treat others the way you would want to be treated and the world will be a much happier, healthier place.

Same-Sex Marriage

Today I went to see openly gay Rep. Greg Harris of the Illinois General Assembly speak. He is responsible for the introduction of House Bill 1826 which is titled "The Illinois Religious Freedom Protection and Civil Union Act" which basically states that same-sex couples would be granted the right to civil unions which are the same as marriage in all but name, but religious groups can continue to not bless these marriages if they would prefer not to. With same-sex civil unions in such a close grasp in Illinois I can't help but feel the need to share my opinion on this hot issue.

The same-sex marriage debate is a popular one these days, but only two sides are really being voiced. Either you're for it because you feel that gay couples deserve the same rights as straight couples or you're against it because homosexuality is a sin or disgusting or whathaveyou.

There is a very important third opinion not getting voiced here. This opinion is that we shouldn't be fighting for gay marriage. It is the wrong fight and it is too specific to the LGB community (I'm specifically leaving T out because I don't think the rights of T folks are really getting acknowledged in the popular debate). We need to think of the bigger picture. What we should be fighting for are the rights of all types of families. This includes conjugal families, but also extends to grandparents caring for grandchildren, roommates, friends, extended families living under the same roof, those who choose to take care of their sick or dying relatives or friends, etc. Why is it that only married couples get these rights? Shouldn't all families get them? In this day and age the nuclear family is becoming less and less common and the laws and benefits need to be shaped around the real American family not some ridiculous conservative "family values" ideal. This real American family lives together and cares for one another emotionally, spiritually, mentally, financially, and physically. These are the real ideals that should be strived for in a family, not just sexual and/or blood relations.

All of the countries that have legalized same-sex marriage/unions have no real rights that go along with marriage. It wasn't a big deal to give same-sex couples the right to marry because everyone already had those rights already. But in the US we like to do things backwards. What we should really be fighting for right now is universal health care. That is going to get us and everyone else a little closer to the equality that we supposedly seek.

The marginalized need to stop fighting for things that only affect their one community. We need to work together for the greater good. In fighting for same-sex marriage we are alienating a lot of people who have much more pressing needs. In fighting together for the equality of every type of family we fight for everyone in our country. This would encompass same-sex marriage and any other type of family unit that is formed.

In fighting for same-sex marriage we are just widening the gap between acceptable types of family units and unacceptable ones. There will continue to be a hierarchy where nuclear families are at the top.

Now I want you to also keep in mind that this makes me a hypocrite. I want to marry my girlfriend one day and I will even if I can't do so legally. However, if I can legally marry her then I will be very happy to do so. But even if I do marry her in Illinois my marriage would still not be valid in most other states and I still don't receive any federal benefits. So once again we come back to the need for universal rights for all types of families.

*steps down off her soapbox*

If anyone is interested in reading more about this third side to the debate I encourage them to check out BeyondMarriage.org.

Penis Enlargement Spam

I receive penis enlargement spam more than any other type of spam. This is rather ridiculous really considering that I am a female bodied woman in a monogamous relationship with another female bodied woman. I don't actually read the emails themselves, but I do often read the subjects. These include such gems as:
"90% of women wish their man was bigger"
"all women prefer a bigger penis"
"enlarge your penis so you can reach her special nerve endings"
"your masculinity just needs a larger penis"
"your sex life will improve with a bigger penis"
Along with many that call men's masculinity into question.

We won't even talk about how receiving these types of emails in large quantities could be potentially harmful to a man's self-esteem or the reliability of the products they are promoting. I just want to dispel some of the myths that these subjects perpetuate. (Warning: This is very heterocentric.)

1. 90% of women wish their man was larger/all women prefer a bigger penis - These statistics are ridiculous. You have to wonder where they even get them. Do they completely make them up or do they ask 5 women who they know are size queens? There are some women who wish their male partner had a bigger penis, but there are also other women who wish their partner had a smaller one. Other women would like it if their partner focused on other parts of sex besides intercourse and still more women would just like it if her partner helped around the house more.

Most women can't even orgasm from intercourse alone; it doesn't matter how big your dick is. In fact, a big dick is more likely to hurt her than to bring her pleasure. The average woman's vagina is only 4 inches long! If you have a 9 inch penis, where do you think all those extra inches are going to go exactly? Many men who naturally have bigger penises actually find many women cannot take it all in.

2. Reaching her "special nerve endings" - This is an outright lie. There are actually very few nerve endings at the back of the vagina. Most of the nerve endings are concentrated in the first third, while the last 2/3rds is more sensitive to pressure. If a woman really had "special nerve endings" she would be able to feel a tampon inside of her and that would be unpleasant for many women.

3. You are not a man unless you have a big penis - If this were true, we would know exactly how big the cocks of the "manly men" were. Do you know how big John Wayne's cock was? It wasn't his cock that made him a man among men. How big are the cocks of Vin Diesel, The Rock, or Bruce Willis? This information is hardly common knowledge and yet most people find them to be hypermasculine.

4. A bigger penis makes for a better sex life - Focusing too much on the penis will actually make your sex life less fulfilling. Sex is not just about penile/vaginal intercourse. When you focus on just that you are much less likely to please your partner and she will be much less likely to want to have sex with you. Communication is a much better path to an improved sex life than is penis enlargement. Talk about what the two of you like to do during sex, what you'd like more of, and what you'd like less of. Be sensitive and caring and never place blame.

I hope that was informative. And please send me questions!

NEVER Douche!!

Because I am surprised by the amount of people who do not seem to know this ....

Women should NEVER douche!!

The idea that a woman's vagina is dirty/gross/smelly in its natural state is extremely hurtful to women. There is nothing wrong with asking a woman to bathe before sex but douching is harmful to a woman's vagina. It can cause/put women at risk for all kinds of problems including but not limited to yeast infections, pelvic inflammatory disease, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, and cancer. When bathing, a woman or her helpful partner should only clean the outside of her genitals.

Only two parts of the body have natural cleaning mechanisms and those are the eyes and the vagina. When a woman douches she washes away those natural cleaning mechanisms. Let the body do what it is designed to do!

However, if you do notice a change in your/your lover's smell or discharge make sure that you/she sees a doctor.

Tell a woman you care about not to douche. It is harmful to her body. This needs to be spread around because too many women still think it is ok (many poor and uneducated) and many men require it of their lovers because they think that it is healthy to clean the vagina. It is not.

Also, douching after sex can actually increase the likelihood of getting pregnant because it can push sperm up into the uterus and fallopian tubes. Use protection! This does not mean that one should use douching as a means to help get pregnant. It can also cause infertility.