The Winner

And the winner of the lube contest is the writer of The Twat Poem! Thanks to everyone who entered and voted. I hope you've all enjoyed the contest as much as I did.

In other news, I will be in Minneapolis this weekend for Sexy Spring V. I will be giving a workshop entitled Owning Your Pleasure about how to get what you want out of your sex life by learning how to please yourself and ask for what you want. If you're in the area I encourage you to come to my workshop or any of the others that interest you. It should be a fun time. I also plan on making a stop at Smitten Kitten while there because I love to roam feminist sex toy shops.

Havana Vibrating Plug

This month's Babeland review is the Havana Vibrating Plug. This is a great anal toy for beginners and those who are a little more advanced because it is on the smaller side. It is made out of very soft pink silicone and has a hole in the bottom for the cordless bullet vibe that is included. Being silicone means it is a great toy for anal play as it can be completely sterilized by boiling it in water (without the vibe of course), throwing it in the top rack of your dishwasher, or even just washing it with soap and water. Silicone also means that vibrations are conducted very well so you will definitely feel the vibe in this toy.

This toy feels fantastic especially when combined with other sensations like a vibrator on the clit, vaginal penetration, or cock and ball play. The only downside is that it doesn't do what a butt plug should do, namely stay in place. You will probably have to hold this guy in with an extra hand so any type of very active sex play for the wearer is probably going to be out of the question.

A couple of tips for this toy and others like it:
- Whenever engaging in any type of anal play make sure to use LOTS of lube. I like Maximus.
- Do NOT use silicone lube with silicone toys.
- When putting a bullet vibe into a toy, always put a drop or two of lube on the bullet first so you can easily remove it later.

And now a reminder that voting for the lube contest ends tomorrow at 11:59PM CST so don't forget to cast your vote.

Love and Friendship

A relationships question for you. One of my classmates in organic chem and I hang out quite a bit, and of course I've got a bit of an attachment for her. It came up today about dating friends and she said she didn't date friends, and I got the impression I fall into that category. Plus in a roundabout way she said she knew I felt that way. I know it's a long shot but is there anything you can suggest I do to possibly change her mind? What really sucks for me is it has been a while since I met a girl I liked for reasons other than sex, so maybe I just have bad karma.

It sounds like she was trying to hint at it nicely that she is not interested. A lot of women do that in hopes that their male friends will get the hint and lay off. Straight men will often complain that women always just want to be friends with them, but put yourself in a woman's shoes. It can be very difficult to find male friends that aren't always trying to get in your pants. It is difficult to find straight men who just want to be friends.

Can you convince her? I'm not going to say that it's impossible. I mean hell I didn't think that I wanted to date the woman who I'm now engaged to, but she worked her way into my heart and I am thankful. But really if you're going to change her mind its just going to be by acting how you always act with her. If she comes around she'll come around. There's not going to be much you can do to convince her.

In the meantime put your focus on other romantic conquests. There are lots of ways to meet people. There is internet dating, blogs, meetup.com is a great resource for meeting people with similar interests, you could join a local club, go speed dating, if you have a dog you can take it for walks in the park (I hear that is a great way to meet women), or even have a party where you ask people to invite people that you don't know. The point is that you'll be looking for love elsewhere and if this other woman grows an interest during this time then great, but if she doesn't then you haven't been wasting your time and energy to try to convince her to take an interest.


Hey everybody don't forget to vote for your favorite story for the lube contest! Go here to vote now!

Vote!

It has come time to vote for your favorite story in the lube contest. Whoever gets the most votes will win the bounty of lube! The voting will end Wednesday June 11th at 11:59PM CST. That gives you about a week to get all of your friends to vote for your favorite.

Contestant #3

Here is the final contestant in the lube contest. This entry is a lot longer than the others, but I encourage you to read it all. It is very clever and funny. Voting starts tomorrow!

The Last Day of Class
It was my last day of high school and I was glad to get the hell out of this shit hole of a school. I had a serious case of senioritis and had not done any work in about 6 ½ months, always dreaming of the day when I would be finally finished and could go on to all the wonderful things that college entailed. My second to last class was social studies with Mr. Jackson. Walking down the social studies hallway for the last time, I was on cloud nine. The 60 year old school never looked better. The peeling paint did not bother me, the blinking fluorescent light did not give me a headache for the first time in four years, the broken lockers actually looked secure, and that thick line of dust and hair above them looked like highway lines to the glory of graduation. I entered Mr. Jackson's room, giving him the old pistol salute with my right hand, and a wink with my left eye, "Yo, Mr. Jackson, what up."

"Just sit down, Mike. Two more hours and we are all out of here. Just keep the jackass routine to a minimum and this last day will be over," Mr. Jackson responded.

"I will sit down, but I make no promises about being a jackass. It just simply is not my routine." I sat down in my seat and began talking to my friend Josh, who I affectionately call Boo Boo because quite frankly he sounds like Boo Boo. "Hey, Boo Boo. You excited yet, last two hours."

"You damn right I am excited," he replied. "I am going to get trashed tonight at the senior party. When are you and Lizzie going to get there." My girlfriend Lizzie and I had been dating for two years now and had a nice romantic evening planned out at the local restaurant Totsi and then swinging by the party for a few minutes. I am not a party animal and a nice night with the girl I love is all I need.

"Probably around eleven. Our reservation is for eight so I figure three hours is about enough time to eat, change and then head to the party. What about you?" I asked him not really caring about the answer, partially because I already knew the answer.

"We are going down to the breakers and getting drunk and stoned and going for a dip," Boo Boo was getting excited and his voice was rising as well.

Mr. Jackson looked up directly at the two of us and said, "I am going to pretend I did not hear that but Boo Boo don't drown, please." I grinned, happy with myself that half the school now called my friend by the name I had given him. It was almost time for class and the other students had come in as well. Lizzie was sitting right in front of me looking hot as always and gave me a quick smile and a hello before the bell went off and Mr. Jackson got up from his desk and began to talk about who knows what. I was too interested in my girlfriend to really care. Finally I decided to pay attention as he finished his spiel . "Alright, continuing our unit on the end of the year, we are going to watch yet another video today. I am not entirely sure what this one is about because it did not have a label, but there were slim pickings in the AV dept. So here it goes, Karen get the lights when I get the film going. "

Mr. Jackson walked to the back of the room and began to get the film ready. He really did mean film too. My school is so crappy that we still have the old projectors that have reels of film. He put the wheels on both sides of the projector and started up the 50 year old machine. Click, click, click, click. The machine began making that all familiar sound as white boxes flew past on the screen. Great I can get some shut eye and have plenty of stamina to party tonight, I thought putting my hands behind my head and leaning back. The white boxes were completely replaced by numbers over a circle 4,3,2,1 the excitement was overwhelming, well as overwhelming as something that was about to put me to sleep. My eyes were beginning to close as the movie started. However, I was rocked back to conscoiousness when the narrator began the film with the following introduction:

"Since the dawn of time, man has always struggled against friction. Even though without it, people would not be able to walk and cars would endlessly spin their tires never moving an inch like a sixteen year old with a souped up Subaru in a high school parking lot, but too much friction can generate heat, pain, chaffing and dissatisfied intercourse. But the over worked mother, necessity, produced yet another bastard and man created LUBE." The music gained cadence and the chorus chanted "LUBE, LUBE, LUBE"

My brow furled in confusion as I looked over at Boo Boo who looked pretty bugged out, so I turned to Lizzie and asked, "What the hell is this."

"I don't know but lube is good so I am not complaining," she replied with a smile. I became convinced that this was just a strange coincidence and sat back in my seat looking forward to learning about lube. After the title sequence of the three Lubes, the image was replaced by that of a kid around the age of 20 with a strained look on his face coupled with brief twinges of pain. He cried out in pain and looked at his crotch and then at his hand, frustrated. The kid became quite shocked when a middle aged man stepped into the picture wearing a suit and sporting a flat top.

"Hello Jimmy. Having a little problem there." The kid shook his head yes. "Well, Jimmy, all you need is lube."

"Geez, mister what's lube." Jimmy asked.

"Well Jimmy, lube is what makes the world go round, come with me Jimmy and learn all about the magic that is lube." The man walked out of the room and the kid had no choice but to pull up his pants and follow him out the door. They walked outside and down the street to one of Jimmy's neighbors bent over with his head underneath the hood of his car as the engine clanked together giving off smoke and heat.

"You see Jimmy, Lubrication is the process, or technique employed to reduce wear of one or both surfaces in close proximity, and moving relative to each other, by interposing a substance called lubricant between the surfaces to carry or to help carry the load of the opposing surfaces," the man casually explained to Jimmy as he lit a pipe and puffed a few smoke rings.

"Wha???" Jimmy asked puzzled.

"Oh, Jimmy it is not really that difficult of the concept, you like cars don't you Jimmy."

"Do I," Jimmy said as he furiously nodded his head.

"See that engine there. Well, the pistons inside of the cylinders are moving up and down extremely fast. Metal rubbing on metal creates friction which creates heat. Eventually Mr. Jones here won't have a car because the engine will seize." As the man said this, the engine screeched to a stop and Mr. Jones looked forlorn as he wiped his brow. The man moved forward and reached into his jacket. "Here you go Mr. Jones, all you need is a little lube." He handed Mr. Jones a can of oil and then a star wipe revealed the engine up and running again and purring like a kitten. "You see Jimmy, the oil in the engine worked as a lube to allow the metal parts of the engine to slide smoothly over each other without creating excessive friction."

"Oh, I think I am beginning to understand." The scene was then replaced by a parking lot over looking a scenic river. A line of parked cars were spread out evenly along the parking lot. Two people in one of the car's back seat were lying on top of each other with their pants down around their ankles moving around trying to get the right angle for penetration.

"No, James, stop… Not like that. ..No that hurts. ..Just stop. ..It is not going to work." The senior prom king and queen broke off their sexual interlude and sat staring at each other. "We cannot do it James it is too uncomfortable."

"But what are we going to do. We have been talking about going all the way all year." The guy replied dejectedly.

"It is just too uncomfortable James, there is too much friction." And with that Jimmy's ears perked up.

"They can't have sex because there is too much friction between their privates. They need lube to allow the penis to smoothly penetrate the vagina," Jimmy exclaimed. He reached into a bag a grabbed a nice big jug of petroleum jelly and began running towards the car.

"Wait a second Jimmy, not so fast there with the lube." The man said. Jimmy stopped in his tracks and looked at the petroleum jelly in an inquisitive way. "You see Jimmy not all lubricants work in every situation. That petroleum jelly you have there is made out of the same material as the motor oil. More importantly though, it is made up of the same material that the condom these two sweethearts were planning on using in an attempt to keep her from getting pregnant and also, I am not entirely sure how much she should trust James. Regardless, petroleum jelly degrades latex condoms and could lead to condom failure."

"I did not realize that lube was such a complicated topic," Jimmy replied as he scratched his head.

"It is Jimmy. What these love birds need is a quality silicone or water based lubricant like the one I have here. These types of lubricant will not degrade the condom like an oil based lubricant. Now you can take it to them." Jimmy grabbed the lube and rushed over to the car and knocked on the door.

"Here you go, this will allow you to have sex with less friction," he said as he threw the lube onto the back seat. The girl in the back began to scream at the top of her lungs as Jimmy walked back to the man who was laughing. James got out of the car half naked holding onto his letter jacket trying to catch up to Jimmy but was having trouble covering himself.

Jimmy and the man walked to the edge of the screen and then a cut brought them back to Jimmy's bedroom. "You see Jimmy, lube is needed in all sorts of activities."

"Wow, thanks for helping me out and teaching me about lube. Now I know that I need lube when I masturbate. Now if you would please excuse me I have to get back to where I was."

"Sure thing Jimmy. You see, from the Romans dipping rags in animal fat to lubricate wagon wheels to modern cars today, everyone uses lube. The science of lubrication really only took off with the industrial revolution in the nineteenth century paving the way for today's improved lubes, including all of your favorite sexual lubes. So whether yesterday or today. Whether fixing your automobile or having sex with your partner, always make sure that you use enough lube." The music began to play again as the chorus chanted, LUBE, LUBE, LUBE.

The film flipped back and forth in the reel as the film ended and the lights came back on. The bell rang and we all left class together more confused than ever. "What did we just watch. Why was an old guy walking around giving advice about lube to a college kid," I asked.

"Who cares," Lizzie replied. "I learned a lot and maybe I would like to put my knowledge to good use. Do you want to skip last hour and go swimming at the breakers." She smiled and gave me a wicked wink. At that point, my mind completely forgot about all of my questions concerning the movie and were focused on leaving school and swimming. We hauled ass out of the back door and walked the two blocks to the Lake hand in hand confident in our knowledge of lube and happy that I had all that lube from the contest.

Contestant #2

Now contestant #2's entry:

Picture this:

A doorknob with a string tied around it. String is looped around a pulley. When door is opened, the string pulls taut, which upsets a little bucket of ball bearings. The ball bearings pour into a vertically-placed pvc pipe which has been filled with water-based lube. The additional weight of the ball bearings causes a hinged cover on the distal end of the pvc pipe to swing open, releasing the lube-coated ball bearings onto the floor. At the same time, a match that has been taped to the top of the door scrapes against sandpaper which has been taped to the inside of the door frame. the match ignites a cup of silicon-based lube, which is upset by the door opening and spills onto the head of whoever is trying to open it. Flaming, arm-flailing chaos ensues. Most awesome burglar system ever!

Contestant #1

The lube contest has come to a close and I have picked the best three stories. It was a difficult task, but I tried to pick the ones that were the most creative and also the most different from each other. So over the next 3 days I will post each of the stories and on the 4th day I will put up a poll for everyone to vote. So without further ado here is the first story:

There was once a furry twat
Who wanted a sexy swat

So she scrubbed and she bathed
winked in the mirror and waved

and on her way she went.

This twat was on a mission
and she wasn't going fishin'

she wanted a hard cock
strong and solid like a rock

The twat needed lots of lube
So she went and picked up a tube.

The store was all out
so, she started to shout

"NOW HOW WILL I GET LAID??!!"

The sad twat was out of luck
All she needed was a fuck

Out of the corner of her eye
Someone was there- Oh my!

It was Garnet to save the day!

She came bearing a gift
Which gave the twat a lift

She smiled and opened her hand
The present was large and grand

The twat declared "OH SHIT!!"
So she greased up her slit

And finally her wish came true

Garnet had saved the twat
The lube helped a lot!

The twat got fucked
And then she got sucked

All thanks to Garnet!

Lube Contest

Hey everyone I know more of you must want free lube! Send me an email with your story by 11:59PM CST 5/31/08 in order to enter. That's only a couple days away! Details here. Good luck everyone!

First Vibrator

This wasn't a question in my email, but it is a question I get every day that I work at Early to Bed and often via instant messengers while on the computer. The question is "What would make a good first vibrator?"

Sex toys are super hot right now. Everyone is buying them and more mainstream companies (like Durex) are starting to sell them. There are so many sex toys on the market that it can seem really overwhelming to a first time buyer. This is especially true when you don't know what companies make good quality toys and which make shoddy toys with great advertisements that make you think they're better than they are.

Well here are a couple tips.

1. Don't spend a lot of money on your first vibrator. This is a starter vibe that can help you learn what it is you like exactly. If you spend $80 on your first vibe and you find out you don't like it your experience of sex toys is going to be a frustrating one. I really recommend spending $30 or less. You can spend more once you get to know your body.

2. Find a vibrator that either has at least 3 speeds or has an adjustable wheel to control the speeds. This way you can find a vibration that you enjoy. Maybe you like light tickly vibrations or maybe you need a deep powerful vibe. Unless you've experimented with your electric toothbrush or a back massager there's no real way to know. Some suggestions of cheap vibes with lots of vibration control include: a silver bullet which I reviewed in a previous blog; a silk touch egg which not only has different speeds, but also different pulsations; or a slimline

3. As the last toy on that lists suggests, you may also want to get a toy that offers internal stimulation. Some women really enjoy internal vibrations, while others find it a strange feeling. The nice thing about these though is that you can turn the vibrator off and just use the toy as a dildo. This way you have two toys in one; it vibrates your clit and you can also use it for penetration. A great option would be a blueberry buzz which you can even take in the tub with you or if you're interested in g-spot stimulation you can try an orchid g.

4. Buy a vibe that you think looks like fun. If you're intimidated by it you won't want to use it and you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. Vibrators are wonderful things that I believe every woman should own (as well as many men), but you need to take it at your own pace.

5. Shop at feminist sex toy shops that care about you and your health and feel free to ask lots of questions. That is what the staff is for. For more information on these types of stores consult my blog on sex toy shops

6. Finally, some shops even carry a kit specifically for first timers. Early to Bed has this first timer's kit which includes a silver bullet, small insertable vibe, a fun animal sleeve to go over the vibes, a small bottle of lube, and even batteries so you're all set right when you open it up.

Remember to have fun! Sex toys are one of my favoritest things in the whole entire world and hopefully you'll enjoy them just as much as I do.

Lube Experiment (Now with video!)

So I was reading a sex education book that is a bit out of date and has some inaccurate information in it, but otherwise is a reasonably good resource. Anyways the point is that it said that silicone lube is highly flammable. Oddly enough in all of the reading I've done I'd never heard this before. Or actually a more likely story is that it just hasn't stuck. Well it will stick now because today we did lube science.

That's right, we lit lubes on fire. I have a much larger supply of water-based lubricants since I use a lot of sex toys and I don't want them to melt. So we tried 3 different water based lubricants: one with no glycerine and no parabens, one with glycerine but no parabens, and one with no glycerine but with parabens. None of these were flammable. In fact they all extinguished the fire so if you're ever in a fire and there is nothing to put it out with, but you have water-based lube handy it may just save your life ... but I wouldn't count on it.

You will want to be absolutely sure that that lube you're putting out your fire with is water-based though because as the book I was reading said, silicone lube is indeed highly flammable. I only had one brand of silicone lubricant to test unfortunately (the other one is going to be given to the winner of the lube contest that you should all be entering). The lube was Doc Johnson's iLube and when a lit match was held to a small puddle of the stuff the lube burst into flames. I was amazed at this and was not happy just knowing about one lube so I called a friend and had him set flame to his Eros silicone lube and he said that it also burst into flames. So I'd say that our results are pretty conclusive. Silicone lube is very flammable.

But why do you care, right? You're using it for sex, not as a lining in your baby's crib. You should care because silicone lube does not come off easily. This is a great property for a lube, but not such a great property if you're dealing with fire. This can especially be a concern if you play with candle wax during sex, are the romantic room full of candles type, or you like to cook a snack between sex romps to get more energy. I am imagining hands and genitals bursting into flames at very inopportune moments (really every moment is inopportune when it comes to bursting into flames though). So the point of this blog is to say that if you're using silicone lubricants BE CAREFUL!!! Wash your hands with soap and water before you handle fire and do not wipe your silicone lube covered hands on towels that may be close to flames.

Update: We redid part of the experiment using only Maximus and iLube and made a video. Enjoy!